Mark75

Hi

Day 56 - 8 weeks. First time I can say that for, well, 35 years. It feels good. Mostly doing well.

My loving supportive wife of 24 years. She does not have a problem, at all, with drink and hardly takes an aspirin. She enjoys a nightly tall white wine spritzer. This is usually our alone time. Some nights it doesn't bother me, some nights, it does. Not because I am afraid I'm going to drink, but it brings on the self pity crap. I wish I could have a glass with her..., it kind of comes between us a little. We've been so close all these years, until the last year or two. We still had nice romantic times, although less often lately. It's better now with me sober, but there is this one little (big?) thing.

My brother (AA 24 years) says this will bother me less as time goes on. AND I need to write out my gratitude list. But still, it gets me into stinkin thinkin. I know that she's got some resentments about my drinking, drugs, recent rehab, etc... This is really hard to talk to her about, and I don't even know how, or if I even should. Am I being selfish?

Anyone here with experience with this??

Anna

Hi,

I understand how you feel, but I wonder if you have thought of other ways to have romantic momentsd? A lot of times we think romance and wine go together, but it doesn't have to be like that.

Mark75

Hi anna

Thanx for responding.... If anything the romance is better when I'm sober. I guess I'm even finding it hard to ask here... Should I ask her to pass on the wine, at least some nights? I know she's seen that it gets to me from time to time, but with all that's happened and what I fear her response would be, I've been hesitant.

Or is this selfish and should I just worry about myself and how I handle it?

Jersey Nonny

Hmmmmn...tough one, since both my husband of 25 years and I were active alcoholics. He quit drinking first...pretty soon after he left me, and it took me two more years before I did. We both got sober through AA. Actually, almost all of his family was in AA/NA/Al-Anon.

I was able to pretty much detach from the "people, places, and things". I never allowed alcohol, didn't serve it, and no one ever drank in the house. I personally don't think I could live with someone who drinks, but that's me...everyone is different.

Has your wife gone to Al-Anon? Would she consider it? Do you have an AA sponsor? Have you discussed this with him? Do you go to discussion meetings? Have you brought it up there?

You can "discuss" this in the Friends and Family forum here. I'm sure you'll get some good advice there.

JMO...but, if your wife truly doesn't have a problem with alcohol...meaning she can take it or leave it...I would think she would do everything possible to support you in your recovery...even if it meant not having that one nightly drink...especially, if you tell her it's bothering you.

Once you've been clean and sober for a while, maybe it will no longer bother you. Maybe by that time, she won't miss her nightly drink, either.

Best of luck to both of you.

least

I can see both sides of this, I think. If your wife only has one glass of wine (every night or just sometimes?) it might be to your advantage to just 'tough it out' and work thru your resentment. After all, we can't control the actions of others, we can only control our reaction.

On the other hand, if she's just a sometimes-one-glass-of-wine-drinker it may not be hard for her to give it up, at least for a while.

For me, my trigger is being home by myself. But I live by myself now, except for a friend of my daughter's who sleeps here but is otherwise gone, and I have to get used to being alone and resisting the urge to drink. No one would know if I did... no one but ME. So I'm getting pretty good at staying sober and wouldn't want to drink even if the opened bottle of wine were on my desk.

Perhaps just bring it up with her in a non-threatening neutral kind of way and see how she reacts. And if she's supportive of your recovery maybe she won't mind giving it up for a while.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Give it a try.

Latte

We don't keep alcohol in the house but DH will occasionally go to a neighbors to have a beer and chat. It doesn't bother me because he goes over there to chat all the time and doesn't drink every time he goes over there.

It would bother me if he came home drunk but he woulnd't ever do that.

I know that my husband and I usually reserve one night a week where we don't talk about kids or work and just hang out, sometimes we play Wii together, sometimes we work on project together. Maybe reserving one night a week where she doesn't drink will make you feel more comfortable with her drinking the other nights.

Just an idea.

Pelican

Hey Cubile and welcome to SR

Some good ideas already posted here. I like Latte's idea of one night a week for an activity other than the usual. Wish it would work at my house!

I am an alcoholic. I have been sober 76 days. I am married. My husband drinks. He has cut back on his drinking but refuses to give up alcohol. His choice.

I tried to get sober in the past with his help. I always failed. This time I realized it was up to me to get and stay sober. I had to change my attitude. I am now more focused, confident and optimistic.

I just finished reading Mattcake's post on attitude. It was very inspiring. My attitude about my need to stay sober has made all the difference in my life. I am able to be around others who drink. I can have alcohol in my home. However, I have my boundaries. I do not want to be around drunks. I do not want to be intimate with a drunk.

I understand that AA advises newbies not to get into a relationship until they have been sober for a year. You and I are working toward a year of sobriety while already in a committed relationship. I feel like I am trying to learn a new dance. My dance partner is the same, the dance hall is familiar, but the music changed and new steps need to be learned.

This new dance got off to a rocky start, some toes were stepped on. But it looks like the dance partners are willing to rise to the challenge.

I wish you success in your sobriety and your dance moves!

Mark75

Thanx for those great responses.

Jersey Nonny -

I was just discharged Thursday from an 8 week rehab stay. The last 3 weekends I had a home pass and I was able to get to some meetings then. I've been to meetings everyday since I'm home for good. I am still very new to AA meetings and have not established a home group, I'm trying to go to different meetings as much as possible. So no sponsor, etc. yet - though there is one group I have been to 3 times and really like...

She has a very good friend in al-anon and she is very active in her group - she gave my wife some pamphlets (hint, hint - LOL) last summer (we only see them on vacation). I've suggested she call her, but I don't think she's ready. She saw that I wasn't doin' so great today and I was not up for talking with her... sometimes, she doesn't, can't, understand. If she asks about my mood today later tonight, I am going to strongly (gently) urge her to call.

I really don't think she has a problem with drinking, I think she has a problem with some resentment, not just from my disease and then the long rehab stay, but from when she was pregnant four times and I didn't quit while she abstained, etc... And, I don't think she really understands yet. I am not sure I do...

I don't think I'll need to refuse alcohol in the house for some types of family get togethers, but I'm not ready yet... especially with the holidays coming.

least -

Right now I think toughing it out is right - but I am going to be on the look out for some easing of her resentment and maybe some empathy from her regarding this issue and then bring it up as non-threatening as possible.

Latte -

I like, very much, the one night (maybe two) a week idea... when she's ready. It might help some of my resentment. I hate this resentment stuff !!

Sorry so long, but this really, really helps. My wife and I are gonna make it. We are in our early 50's and have been together since high school, work together (peacefully, thank God) and still are best friends and soul mates. This disease of mine, the 8 weeks in rehab and now my recovery are the most challenging thing we've faced together - and we've had our challenges. But I trust God and I think He wants us to be happy and stay that way.

Mark75

Thanx Pelican for your post !! I love what you said about the dance moves !! I also liked what you said about the attitude. Some nights I don't have any problem with her sitting down with her wine, some nights I do. Same situation, different attitude, of mine... different emotional response, of mine.

Sounds like we have something in common...

Stubborn1

I like what leastsaid.

I found out that it was hard on my spouse to come home after a night out with the smell of alcohol on my breath. I knew it was his cross to bear but looking back now it really was unfair.
I don't drink now and I would not even think about doing it in front of my husband just out of respect. He doesn't care what I do but why even have him feel like you are feeling.
I think what you are feeling is just. I would talk with her and ask her since your recovery is so new if she would mind not drinking every night just until you have a few months under your belt. You are allowed boundaries too you know.
If it bothers you then you have a right for it to not be around you.
Again, it's my opinion and my experience. I hope it helped.

Mark75

Thank you for posting Stubborn1 !

What changed? Did you quit drinking altogether or just around him?

All of your thoughts and experience help sooooooooo.... much!

coffeenut

Pelican, your post really hit it. Thanks.