WatzDaCcret

I feel like my husband only tries to be nice to me when he goes out to drink. He knows what his plans are going to be days in advance and he says all these sweet things to me like he used to when we were first together.

My husband was the most romantic person in the world and used to experience the world with me, but now it is not the same. I am 8 months pregnant now, and I am always home. He never asks if I want to do anything with him, and he always has money problems. I am always putting in for what he lacks in bills, mortgage, car payments....everything. I feel like I couldn't possibly go out because that would mean that I would spend money, and I can't afford to do that if I don't know whether I will have to put in extra money for him.

He tells me that he is depressed and then he goes out to drink with his friends. He spends more money and he bets...all of the things that we can't really afford with a child on the way and a mortgage.

I have asked for a little more attention and some appreciation, but I get nothing. There is no appreciation for all that I do...and I can't even get my husband to give me a massage. I have not had a single massage my entire pregnancy. I know that I sound like a whiney ***** right now. But I feel like I am worthy of a little of that time....and when I do get attention now I don't feel like it is sincere anymore....there is always some ulterior motive.

That is so sad......

Stubborn1

He does this to you because you are allowing it. If he has money to go out then he should be putting some away for the child. You can file for child support even though you are living together. It can go back into your household but it's nice to know it's established. Maybe he'll wake up when he see's he is ordered to pay. His betting may not look so appealing when the law is laid down.
Good luck. You deserve better.

NeedingHelp7

WatzDaCcret,...... Welcome.

I agree with Stubborn1, in that you could file for child support. He is financially abusing the family, and neglecting as well. Does he have a gambling problems also?

I feel so very sad hearing the way you are being treated during pregnancy. My heart goes out to you. You should be enjoying this time preparing for birth. Is this your first child?

BayAreaPhoenix

Hang on to that. You ARE worthy - of his time, attention, friendship and partnership! After a while, for me, I continued to let my AH take me foregranted and there was a time where I was just grateful for any little bit of attention, and I think in consequence didn't feel worthy of more. It's insidious, the way our accommodating to make things work starts to chip away at our self-worth and self-esteem.

I could relate to many things you wrote. The behavior isn't going to get any better. You can not accept it. Boundaries. Clearly defined, but you have to be willing to enforce them - whatever they may be.

(((hugs)))

WatzDaCcret

Yes, this is our first child.

WatzDaCcret

Thank you, I will try. I am a very strong woman and for some reason this behavior breaks me down. I was never a sad person before. I was ALWAYS happy and now I feel like I need counseling because I lay home at night crying and alone.

My husband never came home last night and I have no idea if he went to work this morning. I fear him losing his job and where would that leave me.

The worst part about this is that I pretend that everything is okay with my family. I never tell them that anything wrong is going on because I don't want anyone to know that I am not living the life that I wanted.

You know, I had no idea about the child support though. If this continues that is exactly what I will do. I need to have something to count on, and unfortunately it is not him.

winnie12

WatzDaCcret, I'm officially angry for you. I went through this same type of selfish behavior with both of my pregancies (two different men). I didnt handle that rejection well - its hard with the hormone surges and the exhaustion - you're having to take such good care of yourself while your partner is out partying it up - it can make for some very bitter feelings. No great advice for you here except that it will pass and you will have a wonderful new person that you will fall head over heels in love with.

during those times I learned a lot about putting my children first and how to stand on my own two feet without a man. With the first, I stopped paying his bills and somehow found the cash to go get a massage myself. Your baby comes first and from experience I can tell you that its harder to raise a baby if you're also helping to support your child's daddy. Setting those boundaries now and preparing him for the financial situation you will be in soon could make the transition easier.

But one other thing that i learned is that typically women become mothers the day they find out they are pregnant but many men dont become fathers until the day the baby is born. It seems to be hard for some men during preganancy to really accept that they are dads and I think alot of them get really scared when they think about the changes that are about to happen. If there is anyway you can talk about it or get counseling (even if for yourself) it could help.

NeedingHelp7

This is an aweful way to go through a pregnancy. It does leave bad memories, never forgetting....counseling will help you though. It happened to me also, and I've never forgotten. The pain is gone, but it has left a bad memory of how selfish his father was, and what a difficult time it was for us. It happened during my second pregnancy w/ older son (now 19). His father cheated on me in the 8th month, I caught him right in the act of it. I had to move out. Thankfully we found a neighbor who took us in at that time, and she also helped me through delivery. It wasn't easy.

The only best thing to do is focus on you and the soon coming child.

I know it's shame thing that your feeling. It's not your fault that he's not what he portrayed himself to be, you have no reason to feel ashamed but he does. And I do believe it's best to get out everything in the open w/ your family. You will need their support (hopefully they are the supportive kind) more than ever now. Your AH needs to be exposed for who he is. Sometimes exposure helps stop some of the behaviors, leading one to get help, but not always.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

May God comfort and guide you through giving you the answers and strength you need. He is there for you, just call on Him in your time of need and He will answer.

We are here too.

Many huggs,
NH7

Freedom1990

I feel your pain.

However, I learned that expecting any semblance of healthy love, caring, and concern from an active A is like going to the hardware store for bread as I've often heard said.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this pregnancy without the support you deserve.

That being said, I found myself pregnant a little over a year into my recovery from alcoholism and my daughter's father was never ever there for her. He's been active in AA for over 32 years now.

I found the loving support of others in recovery, and my sponsor was there through my labor and was there for the delivery too. I will never forget her kindness.

ZombieWife

If it's this way now, imagine yourself after the baby comes. You get 1 hour of sleep here, one there, sometimes 30 minutes. The baby needs constant attention, is crying. You get over-exhausted and become too tired to sleep. You get on edge, you cry at every little thing.

And where will he be? Out drinking?

When you add a newborn into the mix, things will get extremely stressful and overwhelming. Unless you have a family member who can help you for a month, then you're on your own. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy to want to face this. That could be why he's out--he's freaking and not able to step up to the plate and be responsible. Maybe he's living what he thinks is the last few weeks of his youth that will be gone once the baby comes.

Thing is, most of the time when a guy goes through this, he doesn't stop after the baby comes. He goes out more, for longer periods of time and then comes home to sleep it off while you're sitting there hallucinating in the couch because you haven't slept in 72 hours, with a crying baby in your arms that won't let you get more than 45 minutes at a time.

Is this what you want?

I wouldn't want to be with this guy whether he was sober or not. He needs to man up and quit acting like a child. A new baby is stressful for everyone--especially you. It will be more than emotional/mental stress for you. Your body is going to need healing and rest. Do you really think he's the one to take over during an important time like this?

Alaia

I did that with my family for awhile with ex-abf. Once they found out what was going on, they were supportive. They told me how they felt, but also explained that I am an adult and can make my on decisions. They didn't pry for information. They only expressed their feelings and that they were worried. I really didn't think they would be like that, seeing we don't have the best relationship but IMO sometimes its better to tell them and have their support. They are going to find out sooner or later and it's like a big weight lifted off your shoulder. The decision is yours though. Good luck with everything and I am sorry this is happening to you.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am sorry you are here but you have found friends & a place to call your own. now is the time to set boundries for your husband. it will not get any better unless there are some changes. if he can not or does not want to, it is time for you too. i feel your hurt. you deserve better. keep coming back & know we r here & we care. hugs & prayers,

WatzDaCcret

Yesterday, I had signed on to inform you that I my husband didn't come home. Well, I had plans with his sister and I almost cancelled but something told me to follow through with it.

Yesterday ended up being my baby shower. I was extremely surprised. I had no idea. Everyone was there. My family and my husband's family. The only person who was not there was my husband. People kept on asking me and I kept saying, "as far as I know he is at work". At least that is what I assumed this morning, and I would continue on my way with a smile on my face. There were times when the shower was awkward for me, such as when they tried to play games that the husband was obviously supposed to be there for. I kept on looking at the door and he never showed.

I wasn't upset during the shower, but as I was driving home with his sister and all the gifts, I realized my husband wouldn't be in any pictures. Then I spent that night crying till he got home.

He says that he feels like he hit rock bottom, after missing this event. He tells me that he doesn't want to do this to me, and he certainly doesn't want to do this to our son.

Can someone tell me why I, a very optimistic person, cannot believe him. I don't want my negativity to depress him, but I feel like I heard this all before.

Last night, I sat in my car and screamed to the top of my lungs. I asked, "Why do I deserve this?" Then I felt horrible because my baby must have heard me and he started moving all around. It made me more upset.

I feel like that event in the car, looking back, makes me think that I am going to lose it. I want to believe my husband but I don't. He says that he doesn't want to continue to do this to me and he never wants to do it to our son, but that he hates AA. He says that it is so depressing and he always feels worse when he leaves, then when he stepped in. He stated that he wants to seek professional help and then he asked me what he should do. Except I don't have answers for him. I feel like a dried out spout. I gave, gave, gave so much that I don't have the energy to want to help him anymore.

Is this something that will be costly to me? Should I hide the fact that part of me doesn't want to help, because I am sick of trying? Any ideas?

cassandra2

Maybe you need to tell him those things. Tell him that you are tired and just cant give anymore until you start to see him giving a little. When you put it on someone else's plate it frees you up not to feel responsible.

I would get the same thing from my ex. He would say he is tried of being this way and wanted to get help. At first it was sooooo good to hear that from him but then as you say it gets old. You hear it but they dont do it so you know in the future when you hear it its just empty words.

Somewhere they (addicts) need to take responsibility for their recovery. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. If you were to go out of your way spending much time trying to find a program for him and he wouldnt go how would that make you feel.

Drained? Disappointed? Betrayed?

If he spent all day looking for a place to go for help and found a place and then went. How would that make you feel?

Relief? Hopeful?

You need to let him decide what is gonna be his rock bottom. I know this is much easier but your strength right now needs to go to your unborn child. And he needs to know this. You cant be there for him right now because he isnt there for himself and until he gets to that point there is nothing you can do.

Now its a waiting game. The question is how long are you willing to wait? How much of yourself are you willing to give up in that process?

BayAreaPhoenix

If he wants recovery he'll get it. He can talk and talk (it's called quacking), but there's always a reason. He doesn't like AA, what should he do, where should he go? Well, when he's figuring out where to party and where to find drugs or alcohol, he can figure that out just fine. He can figure this out too.

And, in my opinion - I don't buy the AA meetings being depressing. If they are, find another meeting until you find one that fits. I sit in NA meetings almost every week and have for over a year. As I understand it, they are just like AA meetings, and I - along with everyone else - feel uplifted and good when we leave. The people in those meetings are walking the walk, they are not just talking the talk - and it's inspiring.

This is a time for you and your baby. Focus on what you know and see, let him show you what he's doing.

(((hugs)))

NeedingHelp7

That must have been devastating to be at your baby shower, and him not show up. And have to play like everything is alright, he's probably at work scenario. There's an embarrassment that goes into that too, I know.

I think you did the best you could do. Had you brought it up to family members then, you would have lost it.

I was always the optimistic person, in the family also, just like you, which has it's + and -. The + is that I was alway the encourager, the cheerleader, the - being that it was much easier for me to stay in denial at times because of being too optimistic. I realized there was a time when even my optimism wouldn't save AH. I became sad as ever when I realized my dream of being with AH til death do us part was over (this doesn't happen for all), all because of ADDICTION and ADULTERY!! Then he couldn't stand to see my every day sadness. The happy wife was gone at that point. How could he even expect me to be his encouraging loving helpmate any more? My agony was a reflection of what he did to this marriage and family, and he couldn't stand it. How could he expect me to help him? I couldn't. The kind of help he wanted was forgiveness over and over through every crisis, and just let things continue as they are. Any help I gave him would just be enabling, and I knew that from being through recovery myself.

He disappeared on us 2 times during our marriage, for 2 days at a time, on drugs and other women too. The 2nd time I told him to leave, move out.
I had to think of the children, at the time I had 2 at home. And I wasn't going to expose them to his insanity any longer. He went through an outpatient program, but since then has went back on the very drugs he was detoxed from, and probably more.

Whats I know how you're feeling. I know the devastation of feeling what you've always wanted is slipping through your fingers. And NO NO NO one deserves that kind of treatment, ESPECIALLY DURING PREGNANCY.

Have you heard of Alanon. Alanon is a support group that helps Family and Friends of alcoholics? If you could find a meeting in your area, you will find much love and support there. I promise.

One day at a time. Let go and let God.

Many ((((huggs)))),
NH7