cassandra2

Ok so I am now taking a new angle of dealing with my exabf. I went back and read some of my posts and realized that yes, I am indeed more concerned with what drug his is doing, what he is thinking, why he lies etc....

The sad fact is that it doesnt matter what drug.
Doesnt matter what he is thinking.....
Doesnt matter why he lies.....
Doesnt matter what he feels.....Probably numb anyway...
Doesnt matter that he says he loves me and the kids....Actions are showing that right now he doesnt. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.


All that matters is me and the kids. And if we mattered AT ALL more then the drugs then he would be doing something about it PERIOD!!!!!

So yesterday morning I dropped off my daughter and only answered yes no questions. Would not engage in his pity party for himself. Did not acknowleged his concerns of how he was going to do this that and the other.

I STOPPED answering the text messages that are just CONFIRMING this that or the other. In fact I dont answer at all.

I STOPPED answering the phone. Suddenly now he is calling when before it was just texts. I DO NOT return phone calls.

I dropped off/picked up daughter today and both times had friends on the phone so that I didnt engage in conversation with him. This is as no contact as I can get as I have to see him everyday but I think that it will get easier.

I am not going to subject myself to all the BS he continues to feed me. Its driving me crazy trying to figure out why he said this or what does that mean. Or is he really gonna do that. The only thing I will help him with is TREATMENT PERIOD!!!! I also told him that I will no longer give him rides. He has an appointment he is a big boy and can figure that out for himself.

Its the weekend now and I am gonna stick to my guns and have NO CONTACT!!!!! Please help me stick to this........I need to be held accountable for this and I am still very weak here.

Thanks for reading....

hello-kitty

Hi Cassandra. Good for you. Take it one day at a time, one phone message at a time, one weekend at a time... whatever it takes. I was amazed how much better I felt, once I stopped responding to all the madness. The less contact I had, the less I wanted.

When you put your daughters health, safety and mental stability first in your life, you are making the right decision.

Impurrfect

Way to go (((Cassandra)))!!!

I'm so proud of you! I've seen you get down, but you always bounce back, quickly, and stronger than you were.

He won't like the "new you" but that's a good thing...it lets him see some consequence for his actions.

Keep it up, you're doing great!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cassandra2

This no contact is dual sided. I have to break free from all the BS. That is what makes me get down. Trying to figure out all the crap and seperating truth from reality has taken a toll on me emotionally. I cant keep going through this. I cant keep letting him control how I feel on a day to day basis.

Amy you are so right about the consequences. That is the other side of this. Of course he isnt feeling like much has changed. I still talk with him, give him rides, be nice to him, help him out blah blah... And then the other day he asked when he could have his check card back!!!!!!!! I started to think about that and realized NOTHING HAD CHANGED FOR HIM. Here are me and the kids crying and missing him but he doesnt feel that AT ALL. So I figure the only way to do that is to start to do something different.

I think I read a post with the definition of insanity is you keep doing the same thing but expect differenct results! So from here on out I am NOT playing into the BS. He called me earlier and left me a message asking me to call him back he needed to talk to me. I thought you know what our daughter isnt with him so whatever he has to talk to me about is NOT important. Not only that but why give him the opportunity to ask me for whatever and then me feeling like I have to do this because he needs me. I dont want to be in a position of having to turn him down or listen to this that or the other.

Its tooo hard for me. Its easier not to talk to him and to not have to deal with it. There isnt anything that I want to hear from him except I am going to go get help.

Chino

Good for you! Every step you take away from his drama, is another step closer to a better world for you and your daughter

Neverwanted

Cass....I am so impressed with the growth on the matter since you first posted here. You have inspired me and reflected my own concerns back to me so that I can see where I should be.

In hearing your story I have learned much from you and was able to step back - not always successfully but enough to make a step....


YOU ARE NOT WEAK! Goodness Darlin! You are so strong that your progress has impacted me to try harder in the darkest moments.

TY for sharing and showing me I can do this too...you are a beacon. So much progress in leaps and bounds..;you are STRONG

NeedingHelp7

I hear ya Cassandra. You really do get to a point when enough is enough!! I think you are there. .... I had to do the same thing to keep my sanity. I went to text in mid Oct., and there are very few of those. Because of a child we have to have some communication, but the phone is just too tempting to be drawn into emotional drama upsetting stuff. I messed up yesterday, when AH was to have visit at 3:30pm and he sent me a text at 3:50pm saying he couldn't make it ( Usually the visit is Wed. and we had already rescheduled for Thurs. because he had a training Wed. ). Son was disappointed and I was mad at AH, and slipped and called him leaving a message on his voice mail that that was a rude thing to do to son. So slips do happen at times when your first doing this, but it gets easier, because you begin to feel better and stronger.

Okay...I'm glad you are doing this....You can help me be accountable too!!!

Here are some techniques I use....

When communicating about child I use "text only" such as.... "Re visit tommorrow: son and I will meet you at the Library at 1pm" Keeping things said, short and to the point.

I make it a rule to never talk about my feelings to him. (I have had slips, and you can expect some at first too, especially if he is provoking, but it gets easier to ignore).

I make it a rule not to talk about my life, what I'm doing, or what my plans are.

I make it a rule to talk during visit about son only. (A few slips here have happened too, mostly him, but it's getting better.)

I make it a rule to not call him for any reason, whether about son, if I'm upset about something, nothing. If I'm tempted to call him, I call a friend, domestic violence hotline, an alanon member, come here. Anything until the urge to call him passes.

Stay strong....but expect slips....don't be too hard on yourself if you slip...it's kind of like experimenting with boundaries, and finding out whats best for you....it does get easier.



NH7

outtolunch

So you got sick and tired of being sick and tired, eh?

Nothing changes if nothing changes and you are changing the only thing you control. Your reaction. I can feel your renewed strength.

Live

Thank you again Cassandra, and to each for their responses.

I too would like to be a part of this thread. It teaches me and guides me, when my head strays. I want to be accountable too.

Over a two week period, since the crisis, I let myself become completely run down and did not take care of myself. I misspent my energies in the wrong direction.

Yesterday, I granted myself the need to rest. I was completely exhausted in every aspect. I can't believe how long I slept!

My biggest struggle is to not worry about him. But I am doing better. A little bit

with gratitude,
Tena

NeedingHelp7

So ya know what AH does today..????

He CALLS us at 12:30pm (visit to start today at 1pm). He said he had to work last night (if he works visit is 3-7pm). So I told him I don't appreciate his calling 1/2hr before, that he could have text last night letting us know he had to work. Last weekend he said he wouldn't be working this weekend because he had training Mon Tues and Wed. Said he texted 2 days ago about it.......LIAR AH!!!!! He didn't text 2 days ago. I told him "where there is a lie, there is no truth, and I don't want to hear the lies, so goodbye!"

Stuff like this really gets to me, but I can't do a thing today but PRAY PRAY PRAY. I can't call my lawyer, and I can't call the law guardian.

Why did I pick up the phone....because it's visit day....never again!!!!!!

This is what I feel like doing to him right now!!!!!!!
He better thank God I'm not a violent person.

He is an evil monster!!!!!!!

cassandra2

I cant say I know exactly how you feel because I am experiencing the exact opposite.

I havent gotten a call or text. I am kinda mad cause I thought he would atleast try. Now I feel like I am not sending any message.

This morning I got into my van and drove around for an hour listening to REALLY LOUD music. I have started to tell myself F*** Him when I start thinking about what he is doing to our family. I kept telling myself that we didnt deserve that and I am not gonna keep taking it.

If he was right and this breakup was really about me and him not getting along then why doesnt he call the kids? Why does he BS me with the I love u and the kids crap? That is what I keep telling myself HE HAS A DRUG PROBLEM!

A year ago he would NEVER dream of treating me or the kids this way and now he has done the unthinkable.

I know exactly why he is being silent. GUILT. He knows what he did and I know what he did and believe me KARMA will be back around for him.......

MAKES ME SICK HOW THEY DO THE THINGS THAT WE COULDNT EVER DO TO OUR FAMILIES!!!!!

cassandra2

I like that saying about where there is a lie.....Thats good have to use that for myself.

You slipped and its ok...What you do with it now is on you...Had a new thought after I read your post again. We keep doing this and thats why we keep getting hurt. What really sucks is that he thinks its ok to do this to his kids.

How are your kids taking this?

Live

LOL....it seems that we are all carrying Ann's message around like a jewel.
I wrote it down word for word.

I have been going out of my way to be fair and honest. I email him to ask him what he wants done about his things and etc. He doesn't reply....but I just got a visit from a sheriff no less about me moving furniture, the sheriff told me a third party saw someone here yesterday and furniture moved.

Yes, I commisioned an end table/small coffee table that he has never indicated that he had any particular interest in.

I would have shown the sheriff the furniture, which I made a list of that, he asked me not to sell but the sheriff wasn't that interested. I did explain that I intended to move them into the storage unit and told him which storage unit. That is being nice. I could just leave them abandoned in the rental which I must move out of and am working on. Not to mention that before he asked me not to sell them, he gave it all to me as a gift.

I just tried to phone him and tell him to read his email...or my posts here if he wanted to know what was going on. He will not answer his phone.

He left things in such a mess here that I would just abandon it, but I have too much respect for my landlords to do that.

I did email him that he could go buy the table from the consignment shop if he wanted to.

I don't think he is even reading his emails.
And because they are all civil, respectful, considering his wishes and asking him his preference......that is just plain damn dumb.

He is mad because he told me to sell his laptop and camera on ebay....so I sold them. Now he is furious. He cried about it. He did not cry about the marriage etc.

Last time we separated, he later told me that he had a secret route and drove by everyday keeping track of me. He is supposedly at his sister's 5 hours away, now I doubt that.

The information the sheriff had contained some inaccuracies anyway.

Whew! I needed to get that off my chest.

I was having a good, productive day. I am not going to let his stupid behavior ruin it. Altho' it did just waste some of my precious time.

He doesn't bother to communicate with me about what he is doing or ask me what I prefer or what would be helpful to me.

Dumb. Just dumb. I had invited him to please come get his prescriptions and some clothing and he refused. And I am still worrying about him not having his prescriptions, when I told him that, he told me not to worry about it. I had even asked if he wanted me to mail them to him.

I smell a rat.

He is not friends with any of the neighbors. The landlords have been gone several days. IF he has any friends left, I wouldn't know who they are! He lost all of his friends quite awhile back to the best of my knowledge.

I don't have anything to hide anyway.

I had told him on the phone just this week, that what I most wished for him was to stop screwing up.

Very few people know about what has happened. I will not insult him, but almost everyone of them has pretty strongly. And the one who did not was because I made excuses for him and did not communicate what I was doing with well at all. Very poorly, in fact.

My mother said some really horrible things in a phone conversation and I told her I would not listen to her insult my husband. End of that conversation.
I hadn't meant for her to know anyway. I had phoned my father for advise, business advice and thought he would keep it confidential. It was strictly a business conversation.

I listen to advise, but in the end I will do what I think is right. So, good thing for him I have not taken the advise I have been given more than once.
I have to live with myself, my conscious and my values.
I am not going to violate those, even if it seemingly makes things harder on me.

The easiest thing to do is rarely the right thing to do.

Thank you for letting me vent!!!

With gratitude,
Tena

NeedingHelp7

Thats what ticks me off the most Casandra.

He missed the visit Wed., due to training, so I was gracious enough to say okay we can schedule
Thurs. 3:30, and to meet us at the YMCA. At 3:50 at the Y I get a text from him saying "he can't make it", and canceled visit, that he will see son on Sat. He said he sent that text at 11:06am and that's what it said, but you know what he did? He changed the time on his phone and sent that text making it look like he sent it earlier when in real time it was 3:50pm!!! Is that devious or what????? Afterward, I checked my phone to see if time can be changed and texts sent, and it can be done!!! Thats what he did!!!!

Then today he does this.

So we met at the Y today at 3pm for visit, went to return video games, and he still kept saying he sent a text earlier about working and visit time today. LIE, LIE,LIE!!!!!! I said "I won't tolerate this emotional abuse any more! Enough" I told him "I will see you in court!" I grabbed sons hand and we began to walk home. He stood there dumbfounded!!! I can't emotionally nor mentally handle such a sick demented lying druggie man around me and son again!

He better be able to prove he worked last night to the judge. And he better be able to prove he sent a text to me that he worked last night....which he can't, because he never sent one. And he better be able to prove he was sick on Thurs. He is sabotaging his own visits as well as emotionally abusing us, disturbing visit days, and so on....it never ends. I have to have the judge end this....thats the only way this is going to end. We need someone else to supervise the visits, because AH just wants to hurt me, in the meantime he's hurting son and the time he wants w/ dad too.

I'm going to talk to domestic violence advocate in court on Monday and see what can be done.

Me too Casandra!!!

You can never depend on an addict to be there for anyone, not even thier own child!!!! Whatever way he treats you, he will treat the children the same. It's an aweful reality!!!

Huggs to you and I hope you feel better too Casandra.

cassandra2

I just had an Ahhh HAA moment......
Yesterday ex sends text in am after I drop daughter off. (My boundry here is that I will only answer texts from him when he has our daughter and ONLY if they are pertinent to her) He asks if we can talk. I said What he said call me I said I cant then he sends this text going on and on about our daughters health and that he wants me to send her nebulizer with her everyday. Ok that was totally pointless because she doesnt need it everyday.

So I did not answer that text. Then after I pick up daughter he calls 2x and I did not answer so he leaves a message saying he really needs to talk to me could I call him when I got the message. I never returned the call.

So today I am sitting here thinking why hasnt he text or tried to call. DUH I am the one who is STILL NOT responding. This has been my choice. He took something from the house the other day and I called him out on it and have gone no contact ever since. THIS SILENCE ONLY CONFIRMS THE GUILT!!!!

So again I am on top. I refuse to speak to him. If he were truly worried about his daughter he would be calling to see if she was ok. Again ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!

Let me ask you this. Has your AH been abusive to you or your children? When I say abuse I am not talking about the everday abuse that we get from our active addicts I m talking about physical abuse?

I have been down that road and have found the system to be especially helpful in those kinds of situations.

outtolunch

Step #1 is to ignore the buzzard.

Step #2 ( far more chanllenging, for me, at least) is to cease obsessing about all things addiction.

Live

I have been emailing in a business matter, trying to consult with him about what he wants done with his things, what to keep, what to sell etc. Practical solutions to address the many matters at hand.

He does not respond. So I guess he has gone no contact.

I was trying to be fair and civil and handle things like adults.

He has not responded.

That's fine with me. I will make the decisions and if he doesn't like them, he has no one but himself to blame.

NeedingHelp7

Cassandra, yes AH has been very abusive for the past 3 yrs. Thats why we've been in and out of Family Court. Domestic violence is more than physical abuse. Drug/alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, child abuse is all domestic violence. Family Court judges here take it all very seriously. Next court date is in Dec. we are going into trial right now, and w/ him playing games w/ supervised visits, he's not going to do well. He was ordered to be drug tested last week, so we will know what the results to that is come Dec. in court. I don't believe he's been clean!!!! When he missed Thurs visit, I believe he was high.

Cassandra, AH has supervised visits because he is an active addict. If he looks high on a visit, I can stop it at any time. He's not allowed to drive, ever, when visiting son, I have to drive. I won't let AH in our home since Aug do to his addiction, fear of him stealing something, or planting something in our home. You can never be safe enough from these kind of guys. They will think of the most devious unheard of stuff. And never let them near your purse or cell phone.

I think you are doing well not answering to your AH every whim. Sounds like he was just trying to use conversation about daughter to get to conversation w/ you, now thats not working for him.

I have been so tempted to call AH a give him and piece of my mind, and tell him where to go, but it would make feel worse, so I'm not doing it. He can't be fair and civil like the norm. His character is to be dirty, tricky, and devious. I will try not to let it ruin my night.

Bless you Cassandra, when having children with a man like this, it's just get insane even w/ the visits. I thought having a judge order everything, it would put AH in his place, holding him accountable. AH will even try to evade the judges orders. It's all insanity, you can't work with insanity.

NeedingHelp7

OTL....Thankyou for the reminder. 2 calls have come in since being home one listed as "unknown" caller and one listed as "private" caller. I know there both him. So I don't answer the phone. My ignore button is on.

cassandra2

I posted a thread earlier about just need someone to listen.

I am weak today. I have had crying fits all day. In my still quiet voice I can hear the words that say he will get better and our family will heal from this and we will be able to move forward as a family.

Just as quickly as that still quiet voice comes another voice that says what if he doesnt get help? What if he continues on this path? I am left here in limbo and I dont know what to do. I know how to move forward. I know how to take care of myself and my kids but the thing is I DONT WANT TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HIM.

I read all this stuff about what addicts do. I know that they destroy themselves and try to destroy everyone around them. That is why he is no longer living here. He was never violent, abusive, cheated, or treated me poorly in anyway but made me feel that there was something wrong with me when I would confront him about the pills. Or make me feel that I was pushing him to hard to get help.

I pushed him because I know that he didnt want to live this life before. The person I fell in love with wanted to be with his family. Now we are expendable.

Can addicts be going through the pain of addictions and still have moments of clarity?

Can addicts be going through the addiction and still soul search?
Can addicts feel any pain at all?
Why doesnt he reach out to me in those moments of pain if he is having those moments?
Why cant he just admitt what I already know to be true????
Why keep up the act that everything is gonna be ok for him???\

Somebody anybody do you know?