losing my serenity
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
losing my serenity
Try as I may, there is just so much going on right now that I am feeling that bubble of anger growing inside of myself and feel like I am about to blow.
Exabf is supposedly coming this weekend to get his stuff from my house, which after 7 months of holding for him, I decided he needs to get it or I am dumping it. So needless to say despite all his ''I can't afford a van, i have no money, I have no were to live'' bs that I have been hearing and letting go on for months, he actually manages to get a van.
Told him I don't want to see him when he comes, I will leave his stuff outside for him to collect, to which I got a torrent of 'whys?' 'Don't do that, if you do that you are just being cruel/sh*tty', 'I want to see you to see how you are'. The whole week of dealing with him has really bought me to a low point. I haven't even been on the phone to him much (2 or 3 times in one day, over a week). But the whole thing has brought up so many feelings.
I found out his dad kicked him out and he is living with someone and has been seeing her since the summer, from his sister. Which was a kick in the guts. Poor girl, he is now milking her for all she's worth (he ain't working). I guess I wasn't ready to hear that, it bloody hurt.
Then I have had a letter from the council over the tax debt from last year. It went unpaid as at the time we were literally living on 15p packs of noodles for dinner, no gas, no electric etc etc. They have decided, despite much communication between me and them, that they will take my debt monthly from my earnings, which will sum about £300 a month including this years tax too. They are not chasing him for what he owes, as I am willing to pay and in contact with them they will get it from me, as we are ''joint and separetly liable''. Urrrgh! So mad, going to speak to consumer credit council about that to see if I can fight their decision.
So then with that in my mind aexbf decides to completely deny he owes me any money toward our shared debts. Little F**ker!!!! I am sooo mad!!!!
I went too far and began to bad mouth him, he hit all my buttons, and I allowed myself to get sucked in and let it verbally rip, I told him I hated him for what he had done to me. I went too far, I didn't like what I did. I didn't like me at that moment. I have forgiven myself, I know I am still recovering, still making forward steps. I tried to call him, no answer so ended up leaving a message to say I regretted saying I hate him, I don't.
I have lost my serenity dealing with this this week. I cannot wait for the weekend to come and go. I want his crappy belongings out of my home and I want him completely out of my life, don't want to look at his manipulative, twisted persona ever again, don't want to hear of him, speak to him, nada! I will take the bugger to court when/if ever I can afford it and get my money back that way, or perhaps actually, one day when I am feeling more serene, I may have the inner peace and clarity to write this off as a major life lesson and never allow this to happen to me ever again.
I want this over. I have let this go on too long. Wishing now I had stood my ground earlier and made him get his things or threw them. I guess I wasn't ready back then, and I was ready now. I am where I am meant to be, thats what my HP tells me.
Big bump in my recovery road, but getting through it, one day at a time....
Thanks for listening
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Exabf is supposedly coming this weekend to get his stuff from my house, which after 7 months of holding for him, I decided he needs to get it or I am dumping it. So needless to say despite all his ''I can't afford a van, i have no money, I have no were to live'' bs that I have been hearing and letting go on for months, he actually manages to get a van.
Told him I don't want to see him when he comes, I will leave his stuff outside for him to collect, to which I got a torrent of 'whys?' 'Don't do that, if you do that you are just being cruel/sh*tty', 'I want to see you to see how you are'. The whole week of dealing with him has really bought me to a low point. I haven't even been on the phone to him much (2 or 3 times in one day, over a week). But the whole thing has brought up so many feelings.
I found out his dad kicked him out and he is living with someone and has been seeing her since the summer, from his sister. Which was a kick in the guts. Poor girl, he is now milking her for all she's worth (he ain't working). I guess I wasn't ready to hear that, it bloody hurt.
Then I have had a letter from the council over the tax debt from last year. It went unpaid as at the time we were literally living on 15p packs of noodles for dinner, no gas, no electric etc etc. They have decided, despite much communication between me and them, that they will take my debt monthly from my earnings, which will sum about £300 a month including this years tax too. They are not chasing him for what he owes, as I am willing to pay and in contact with them they will get it from me, as we are ''joint and separetly liable''. Urrrgh! So mad, going to speak to consumer credit council about that to see if I can fight their decision.
So then with that in my mind aexbf decides to completely deny he owes me any money toward our shared debts. Little F**ker!!!! I am sooo mad!!!!
I went too far and began to bad mouth him, he hit all my buttons, and I allowed myself to get sucked in and let it verbally rip, I told him I hated him for what he had done to me. I went too far, I didn't like what I did. I didn't like me at that moment. I have forgiven myself, I know I am still recovering, still making forward steps. I tried to call him, no answer so ended up leaving a message to say I regretted saying I hate him, I don't.
I have lost my serenity dealing with this this week. I cannot wait for the weekend to come and go. I want his crappy belongings out of my home and I want him completely out of my life, don't want to look at his manipulative, twisted persona ever again, don't want to hear of him, speak to him, nada! I will take the bugger to court when/if ever I can afford it and get my money back that way, or perhaps actually, one day when I am feeling more serene, I may have the inner peace and clarity to write this off as a major life lesson and never allow this to happen to me ever again.
I want this over. I have let this go on too long. Wishing now I had stood my ground earlier and made him get his things or threw them. I guess I wasn't ready back then, and I was ready now. I am where I am meant to be, thats what my HP tells me.
Big bump in my recovery road, but getting through it, one day at a time....
Thanks for listening
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
(((Lily)))
Well it sounds like you have a lot to be angry/upset about. I understand how you feel, I did the same thing on the phone last week to my exabf (told him I hated him), but you have such a good attitude about it, and you are right, it's a bump in the road. At least you can FEEL something.
I sure hope this week goes fast for you and by the weekend you are in a better place. Hang in there!
I went too far and began to bad mouth him, he hit all my buttons, and I allowed myself to get sucked in and let it verbally rip, I told him I hated him for what he had done to me. I went too far, I didn't like what I did. I didn't like me at that moment. I have forgiven myself, I know I am still recovering, still making forward steps. I tried to call him, no answer so ended up leaving a message to say I regretted saying I hate him, I don't.
I sure hope this week goes fast for you and by the weekend you are in a better place. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
((Lily)) - I am sorry these circumstances have taken a toll on you. The feelings will pass and you will have your serenity back. I have been dealing with a tough week myself . . . so I hope in some small I can offer you some comfort. How great will it be to be rid of the constant reminder of him -- to have his belongings out of your house once and for all. You are strong enough now to deal with it; or it wouldn't be happening now! Take care; find the strength inside you because it is there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((lily)))
Oh man. Tax woes and the exabf all coming down in the same week.
You're lucky you didn't go completely ballistic.
Look, you probably did hate him in that moment. He's a bad dude for leaving you with all the debt - it isn't right - it isn't fair - and yet you have to deal with it as a professional and as a good citizen and that sux. It is tough when the vile angry words slip out of us though because it does end up making us feel low.
As hard as it is in the moment - if I can stick with the "I" statements I can vent as loud and nasty as I want to and have less regret later! But - don't beat yourself up - it is very hard in those moments - and you have some legitimate beefs with this person who seems to hang on to being clueless about how his behavior affects others in serious ways.
Peace & good luck--
B.
Oh man. Tax woes and the exabf all coming down in the same week.
You're lucky you didn't go completely ballistic.
Look, you probably did hate him in that moment. He's a bad dude for leaving you with all the debt - it isn't right - it isn't fair - and yet you have to deal with it as a professional and as a good citizen and that sux. It is tough when the vile angry words slip out of us though because it does end up making us feel low.
As hard as it is in the moment - if I can stick with the "I" statements I can vent as loud and nasty as I want to and have less regret later! But - don't beat yourself up - it is very hard in those moments - and you have some legitimate beefs with this person who seems to hang on to being clueless about how his behavior affects others in serious ways.
Peace & good luck--
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
I'm so sorry for all this that you are having to deal with.
What on earth? Can they do this? Really can they do this? You are a mother with a mouth to feed. £300 is a load of money to take off you. Surely they must understand the circumstances.
I've just had to set up an IVA as there was no way I was gonna get out of debt myself. I feel like kicking myself all the time for letting my finances get the way they did, I was so sensible with cash beforehand.
Have you spoken to Citizens Advice about the tax?
It's maddening how stable we feel then just contact will throw that all up in the air. You've been so strong.
Don't feel guilty about wanting to leave his stuff for him to collect. You don't owe him your time. I've hit out too and perhaps said things I regret to the ex but we are only human.
I really wish things improve for you x x
Then I have had a letter from the council over the tax debt from last year. It went unpaid as at the time we were literally living on 15p packs of noodles for dinner, no gas, no electric etc etc. They have decided, despite much communication between me and them, that they will take my debt monthly from my earnings, which will sum about £300 a month including this years tax too. They are not chasing him for what he owes, as I am willing to pay and in contact with them they will get it from me, as we are ''joint and separetly liable''. Urrrgh! So mad, going to speak to consumer credit council about that to see if I can fight their decision.
I've just had to set up an IVA as there was no way I was gonna get out of debt myself. I feel like kicking myself all the time for letting my finances get the way they did, I was so sensible with cash beforehand.
Have you spoken to Citizens Advice about the tax?
It's maddening how stable we feel then just contact will throw that all up in the air. You've been so strong.
Don't feel guilty about wanting to leave his stuff for him to collect. You don't owe him your time. I've hit out too and perhaps said things I regret to the ex but we are only human.
I really wish things improve for you x x
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((lily))) Hang in there!
The money thing is a real killer. I hope you'll be able to get it sorted.
I really feel for you. I was about to start a thread and vent a little on how my AH has really unsettled me. Snap!
I'm arguing with him in my head when I'm at work today because of his frustrating attitude/victimhood!!
Your serenity will come back, you've worked too hard on it for it not to. Remember, this too will pass and you can get back to being free.
The money thing is a real killer. I hope you'll be able to get it sorted.
I really feel for you. I was about to start a thread and vent a little on how my AH has really unsettled me. Snap!
I'm arguing with him in my head when I'm at work today because of his frustrating attitude/victimhood!!
Your serenity will come back, you've worked too hard on it for it not to. Remember, this too will pass and you can get back to being free.
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by SugarLily 
Can they do this? Really can they do this? You are a mother with a mouth to feed. £300 is a load of money to take off you. Surely they must understand the circumstances.
The offer of payment went to court and was deemed too low, I guess they were thinking that he was still with me. So at that point the court granted the council to set up a deduction from earnings order which entitles them to take 12% of your monthly income for wage balance of £900+ and 7% for income under £900. Crap thing is they can take this TWICE in one go!
I have appealed to it and been told that they will now only take one deduction as long as I keep up with my repayments for this year.
It is still going to be a huge amount for me. So I am going for further advice.
I am sorry you are going through financial troubles too, it is a headache that I know too well! It is good you got the IVA, I didn't qualify for one which made matters a little more complicated!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Then they took us to court, or I should say me because aexbf had gone by this point.
Its a horrible, horrible feeling being in debt. Its so hard to find a way out.
One thing that has been helping me when I get down about my finances is I try to remember what my psychic lady told me, (yes a psychic - Im not a fruit cake I swear! ) she said she knew I was in trouble with money "but no one ever went to prison for owing money". That stuck with me somewhat.
It sucks we've ended up in this situation - but I try to treat it as you said in an earlier post - "a major life lesson "
Thats what I said to my dad last week when I was complaining about my situation, he said "I still can't believe you had a house and sold that house and you are in debt still"
I replied that I had made a mistake, had I known what the future held would I make the decision to live with the ex? Of course not.
It's dissapointing how things stand but we need to make the best of a bad situation. See the silver lining...... You are out of a relationship that made you miserable, yeah you've come out of it with some scars (finances etc).... But you'll get there.
You're a strong woman, try not to let it get you down. x
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thanks everyone for the responses so far. It has caused me some distress and I am trying to keep focused on the goal - get him out my life and get my finances in order - anything else is excess stuff I do not need!
I am just still so peeved that he can just walk away from the finance aspect of things. I was told straight by the council that despite me giving them a forwarding address for him that they will not chase him for 50% of the debt. It is unfair that because I am willing to make amends, they will take the easy road and get 100% of the debt from me alone. They have basically said that if I want to reclaim the 50% from him, I need to take it up in civil courts, for which I have to pay! What a joke! It riles me. I actually said to the poor bloke on the phone 'So if I do a runner to Scotland, you will stop chasing me too'. It seems that with council tax, as long as you move out of the city boundary, they won't chase you. What bs!
This is what I am going for further advice on, because I think this is so unjust, as well as can I get the deduction percentage decreased as I am a lone parent and this will cripple me! We will see what happens, but I am trying to be positive about it as I have found that usually these organisations are overly harsh and will never admit that there is another option available to you if they can intimidate you into paying up quicker!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am just still so peeved that he can just walk away from the finance aspect of things. I was told straight by the council that despite me giving them a forwarding address for him that they will not chase him for 50% of the debt. It is unfair that because I am willing to make amends, they will take the easy road and get 100% of the debt from me alone. They have basically said that if I want to reclaim the 50% from him, I need to take it up in civil courts, for which I have to pay! What a joke! It riles me. I actually said to the poor bloke on the phone 'So if I do a runner to Scotland, you will stop chasing me too'. It seems that with council tax, as long as you move out of the city boundary, they won't chase you. What bs!
This is what I am going for further advice on, because I think this is so unjust, as well as can I get the deduction percentage decreased as I am a lone parent and this will cripple me! We will see what happens, but I am trying to be positive about it as I have found that usually these organisations are overly harsh and will never admit that there is another option available to you if they can intimidate you into paying up quicker!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I feel for you, Lily - the financials are, in my opinion, sometimes the most difficult to deal with it. Not only does it reek of unfairness, but it's scary.
Some things I am still protesting or appealing. Others I have let go and written them off as a consequence of MY choice to share a life with an alcoholic.
Thank you for posting - it may sound like a cliche - but if you help one person reading this thread realize what possibly waits for them as they hang in there, inactive, waiting for the one they love to choose sobriety you have a done a great service.
Much love ((( )))
Some things I am still protesting or appealing. Others I have let go and written them off as a consequence of MY choice to share a life with an alcoholic.
Thank you for posting - it may sound like a cliche - but if you help one person reading this thread realize what possibly waits for them as they hang in there, inactive, waiting for the one they love to choose sobriety you have a done a great service.
Much love ((( )))
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by denny57
Others I have let go and written them off as a consequence of MY choice to share a life with an alcoholic.
I hope that I may benefit someone out there, the mess they leave behind and the trouble I caused for myself, ugh! If I ever invent that bloody time machine, I will go back and have a serious chat with myself!!!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I hear you on serenity being tested. There must be something in the water! My ex also pulled the "I want to come over and get the rest of my stuff" crap. When I gathered it all up and left it in the entry way he was angry (apparently he wanted to rifle through my house and take what he wanted). He followed that up with nightly drunk dialing and threats to take me to court because I am a "unfit" mother so now he is only allowed to call during the day (he has not spoken to me since thank goodness).
Don't even get me started on money!
It seems that every week I have to come up with a new set of boundaries, it's exhausting!
Don't even get me started on money!
It seems that every week I have to come up with a new set of boundaries, it's exhausting!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( Lily)))
I can take one day at a time, but I hate it when a whole bunch of them gang up on me at once!
Hopefully you can be gentle with yourself. I've had those slips, too, where I wasn't nearly as dignified and gracious as I wished I had been. I have learned that I can realize I am NOT sorry for what I said, although I may be sorry for how I said it.
I also had the financial nightmares that came from an irresponsible ex. I talked to people and paid the best I could. It's all we can do! And each payment reminded me that I was closer to having my connections with him dissolved. It's a good feeling.
BIG hugs.
Catss
I can take one day at a time, but I hate it when a whole bunch of them gang up on me at once!
Hopefully you can be gentle with yourself. I've had those slips, too, where I wasn't nearly as dignified and gracious as I wished I had been. I have learned that I can realize I am NOT sorry for what I said, although I may be sorry for how I said it.
I also had the financial nightmares that came from an irresponsible ex. I talked to people and paid the best I could. It's all we can do! And each payment reminded me that I was closer to having my connections with him dissolved. It's a good feeling.
BIG hugs.
Catss
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