Did he even stop, I wonder.....
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
Did he even stop, I wonder.....
Two months and nine days ago my husband stopped drinking. He went to two aa meetings and was not interested in going to them. I figured I would be a bit controlling if I insisted and since he was not drinking I was fine. Not everyone is ment to go to aa or ready to go to aa.
There were a couple times he went out to do stuff and was gone WAY longer than he should have been but when he came home he did not seem like he had been drinking and I could smell nothing on him. So I figure maybe It's a trust issue on my part and let it go.
Saturday night we went to a costume party and he got us drinks. I had an O'Dools and his bottle had no label. I asked him what the deal was and he said it was another non-alcoholic beer. So we are there and I figure why bust him when I was having some fun and I would do it when he got the next one. Well when we got up there for the second one I heard the bartender say he did not have this brand he had claimed he just drank. (how strang) and he ordered a coke.
Yesterday when well and I was getting stuff done and about two I fell asleep on the sofa. (Oops) I woke a couple hours later and the husband was not home. I called his cell and he did not pick up. I called again and still he did not pick up. I tried a third time and he was angry and said he was 20 seconds from the door.
You guessed it. He had been drinking. At first I was so upset that I started to cry (he did not see this) but then I calmed down by reminding my self that he messed up not me. I am doing everything right and he owns this. I detached and went on about my business around the house. He felt I was mad at him and not talking to him. (funny how he always thinks that) See I may not have gone in and sat with him and chatted but I did not stop talking to him. I just didn't react. OK maybe I was a little cold. but I think I had a right to be.
So on the phone today he is huffy and mentions how I was not talking to him last night and I just came out with it and said that I was not happy that he went out. (Like I have to tell him why)
Now this post is about two things. One is that he drank and that is a big deal but the better part of this is I am ok. Two years ago I would be going nuts and crying all day but not now. I can stand up for my self. I can fend for my self and I know that (I) will be fine.
There is part of me that is sad and yet there is a bigger part of me that is so proud of my self. Even with everything that is going on around me and all the things that are so unknown in my future..... I have never felt better about my self than I do now. It's like I know in the end, it's all going to be ok.
I have been to some dark places and made it through to the other side.
D
There were a couple times he went out to do stuff and was gone WAY longer than he should have been but when he came home he did not seem like he had been drinking and I could smell nothing on him. So I figure maybe It's a trust issue on my part and let it go.
Saturday night we went to a costume party and he got us drinks. I had an O'Dools and his bottle had no label. I asked him what the deal was and he said it was another non-alcoholic beer. So we are there and I figure why bust him when I was having some fun and I would do it when he got the next one. Well when we got up there for the second one I heard the bartender say he did not have this brand he had claimed he just drank. (how strang) and he ordered a coke.
Yesterday when well and I was getting stuff done and about two I fell asleep on the sofa. (Oops) I woke a couple hours later and the husband was not home. I called his cell and he did not pick up. I called again and still he did not pick up. I tried a third time and he was angry and said he was 20 seconds from the door.
You guessed it. He had been drinking. At first I was so upset that I started to cry (he did not see this) but then I calmed down by reminding my self that he messed up not me. I am doing everything right and he owns this. I detached and went on about my business around the house. He felt I was mad at him and not talking to him. (funny how he always thinks that) See I may not have gone in and sat with him and chatted but I did not stop talking to him. I just didn't react. OK maybe I was a little cold. but I think I had a right to be.
So on the phone today he is huffy and mentions how I was not talking to him last night and I just came out with it and said that I was not happy that he went out. (Like I have to tell him why)
Now this post is about two things. One is that he drank and that is a big deal but the better part of this is I am ok. Two years ago I would be going nuts and crying all day but not now. I can stand up for my self. I can fend for my self and I know that (I) will be fine.
There is part of me that is sad and yet there is a bigger part of me that is so proud of my self. Even with everything that is going on around me and all the things that are so unknown in my future..... I have never felt better about my self than I do now. It's like I know in the end, it's all going to be ok.
I have been to some dark places and made it through to the other side.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Non-Alcoholic Beer
Ma'am,
Something to keep in mind, non-alcoholic beer still has alcohol in it, and is not appropriate for someone who is trying to abstain from alcohol completely. I suspect that your husband's relapse started when he first started drinking Odouls.
Best wishes - I hope your situation improves
Something to keep in mind, non-alcoholic beer still has alcohol in it, and is not appropriate for someone who is trying to abstain from alcohol completely. I suspect that your husband's relapse started when he first started drinking Odouls.
Best wishes - I hope your situation improves
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Hi Lost and Found,
I don't know about your husband, but I can tell you about my experience. My husband and I were on the same page, so I thought. He said he was quitting drinking and he wanted a sober life. Mind you, he did not attend AA or therapy or rehab or any other form of recovery. In 2005, he swore off drinking or so he said. He had what I thought was a life altering experience by watching a friend die from cirrohosis at age 39. He was afraid that this would happen to him...
I did not push for AA, and not because I was detaching (like you are doing by not hounding his recovery), but rather he and I treated it as an elephant at the tea party. We simply did not speak about it. I figured as long as he wasn't drinking, I was happy and the problem was solved. I didn't realize the depths of disease at that time. Anywho...
However, every underlying area of my life was devoted to investigation techniques such as checking the garbage, evaluating his eyes (for glassiness), checking his drinks at social gatherings, clock watching, time accounting, micro managing, and attempting to create a stress free environment in order to prevent a relapse.
This went on for over 3 years. Overall, despite something "wasn't right" in the back of my mind, I never addressed it. After all, he wasn't coming home blasted, so I was okay. I even started to trust him, and not worry about where he was or what he was doing. Occasionally, he would have a slip, which would consist of him drinking, me addressing the problem...demanding therapy or AA...a token therapy session...make up sex...followed by periods of prolonged paranoia until it was back into the routine again. Each period in between the slip was catergorize as a "normal life" which consisted of daily couple routines...food shopping together, socializing, vacations, work, etc...all appearing to be my indicator that we were finally like "other couples." I rationalized these slips and he convinced me that the problems causing them were external to himself and not to the disease...in his opinion, I should be thankful that he did as well has he did. To expect more was to be selfish on my part....
Anyway...to make a long enough story already a bit shorter, I started to notice a decline...as we encountered more stress, he could no longer hide what I eventually found out. My husband was drinking behind my back for atleast two years. He found ways around it. Booze that didn't stink...modifying his drinking...sleeping off the buzz, and a variety of other tricks. He even readily admitted he was an alcoholic. That coupled with my carefully crafted denial, I actually believed that he was sober and recovering.
After things fell apart, I began to slowly face the truth...the problem was much worse than I imagined. In my honest opinion, there is a difference between RECOVERY and ABSTINENCE. To recover is someone who admits that they can't do it on their own and gets outside help. It doesn't necessarily mean AA, but it means that they can admit that the disease controls them and if they could control IT, we wouldn't be in this situation. They need outside assistance. Abstinence can mean absence of alcohol, even for a prolonged period of time, but that does not denote recovery. Vital tools to cope with stress and life in general are missing, and eventually they turn to the one coping skill they have...the drink.
However, I could no longer focus on my husband's disease, I had to focus on mine, and that meant Al Anon or therapy. I had some gains here and there, but like the abstaining alcoholic, I was the abstaining codie by doing some things here and there to cover my obsessive behavior, but not actually doing anything to recover from it.
My only suggestion is get to Al Anon if you haven't already. You are making great strides here, but ask yourself are you abstaining or recovering from Codependence? To me, it is all relative. As I go to Al Anon, my situation improves...not because the alcoholic's choices, but because of mine and my new healthier approach... "Let it begin with me."
Cheers my dear...hang in there.
I don't know about your husband, but I can tell you about my experience. My husband and I were on the same page, so I thought. He said he was quitting drinking and he wanted a sober life. Mind you, he did not attend AA or therapy or rehab or any other form of recovery. In 2005, he swore off drinking or so he said. He had what I thought was a life altering experience by watching a friend die from cirrohosis at age 39. He was afraid that this would happen to him...
I did not push for AA, and not because I was detaching (like you are doing by not hounding his recovery), but rather he and I treated it as an elephant at the tea party. We simply did not speak about it. I figured as long as he wasn't drinking, I was happy and the problem was solved. I didn't realize the depths of disease at that time. Anywho...
However, every underlying area of my life was devoted to investigation techniques such as checking the garbage, evaluating his eyes (for glassiness), checking his drinks at social gatherings, clock watching, time accounting, micro managing, and attempting to create a stress free environment in order to prevent a relapse.
This went on for over 3 years. Overall, despite something "wasn't right" in the back of my mind, I never addressed it. After all, he wasn't coming home blasted, so I was okay. I even started to trust him, and not worry about where he was or what he was doing. Occasionally, he would have a slip, which would consist of him drinking, me addressing the problem...demanding therapy or AA...a token therapy session...make up sex...followed by periods of prolonged paranoia until it was back into the routine again. Each period in between the slip was catergorize as a "normal life" which consisted of daily couple routines...food shopping together, socializing, vacations, work, etc...all appearing to be my indicator that we were finally like "other couples." I rationalized these slips and he convinced me that the problems causing them were external to himself and not to the disease...in his opinion, I should be thankful that he did as well has he did. To expect more was to be selfish on my part....
Anyway...to make a long enough story already a bit shorter, I started to notice a decline...as we encountered more stress, he could no longer hide what I eventually found out. My husband was drinking behind my back for atleast two years. He found ways around it. Booze that didn't stink...modifying his drinking...sleeping off the buzz, and a variety of other tricks. He even readily admitted he was an alcoholic. That coupled with my carefully crafted denial, I actually believed that he was sober and recovering.
After things fell apart, I began to slowly face the truth...the problem was much worse than I imagined. In my honest opinion, there is a difference between RECOVERY and ABSTINENCE. To recover is someone who admits that they can't do it on their own and gets outside help. It doesn't necessarily mean AA, but it means that they can admit that the disease controls them and if they could control IT, we wouldn't be in this situation. They need outside assistance. Abstinence can mean absence of alcohol, even for a prolonged period of time, but that does not denote recovery. Vital tools to cope with stress and life in general are missing, and eventually they turn to the one coping skill they have...the drink.
However, I could no longer focus on my husband's disease, I had to focus on mine, and that meant Al Anon or therapy. I had some gains here and there, but like the abstaining alcoholic, I was the abstaining codie by doing some things here and there to cover my obsessive behavior, but not actually doing anything to recover from it.
My only suggestion is get to Al Anon if you haven't already. You are making great strides here, but ask yourself are you abstaining or recovering from Codependence? To me, it is all relative. As I go to Al Anon, my situation improves...not because the alcoholic's choices, but because of mine and my new healthier approach... "Let it begin with me."
Cheers my dear...hang in there.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I am recovoring from being codependent but it is slow. I go to counceling on top of AA and that helps too. I used to sit and fret every day. Where is he, what is he doing? Is he mad at me? Don't talk about that, he wont like it.... I do not think that way any more. Not saying I don't have my moments but I have learned to detach and rather than fretting about something that is out of my controle I either let it go or think it through to see what my choices are and try to be constructive. I may not confront him on all things but I do confront him. I show my feelings and make sure he understands that my feelings count and are valid. (I never used to do that)
Thanks for the response.
D
Thanks for the response.
D
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