sodetermined

I was in a pretty good mind frame last night and then this morning. I got a phone call from Chris' ex-wife, she talked to me for awhile/gave me support, I don't know between her saying all the right things and everyone's post yesterday, I finally was able to feel half way ok last night. And I was even thinking about my future, like winter, and things I want to do with my son, by myself. Then at some point in the evening, I had a thought....oh, boy, I'm starting to feel like it's going to be ok (of course with bad days still), but it was the first time since the breakup and me finding out about this other woman that I really felt like things will be ok. Anyway, I thought, yep this will be the time he will call me. Before, when he was using drugs and drinking, it NEVER failed, every time I would get through the deep depression and even THINK about moving on, he would call me.

When I got to work this morning, I received a phone call from Caller ID Blocked. Well I answered (CMH that calls me here at work also has 'Caller ID Blocked' when they call), and then...his voice..."Hello, Wendy?". Click. I hung up. My heart started racing, my hands got all sweaty, I thought, "What does he want?". So then, less than a minute later, he calls again. I didn't answer this time. He left a message, saying he called to find about his cell phone but I couldn't be adult enough and I had to hang up the phone. Well the last time we talked we already had the conversation about his cell phone, and I told him I put it in one of the boxes that day, that I do not have it (and I don't). So then I call him back at work (bad choice, probably), and say "Chris, I don't want to talk to you, I just called to let you know that I don't have your cell phone, I already told you that it's in one of those boxes", and he says "Wait, dont' hang up"...and then I hung up. So he calls again, right away, and leaves another message "Well you hung up on me again but the other question I wanted to ask you about was gun season is coming up and I wanted to know if it would be at all possible if I could take Ryan hunting, but you won't talk to me so whatever."

That was it. He hasn't called back again. But I feel like his games are starting now. In fact, when I talked to Renee last night, she said, just make sure you are strong, and you use this time to get very strong, because he will be calling you, trust me. I mean, he had no reason to call, and I feel like he's going to try and use Ryan to get me sucked back in.

Now, why I am posting is mainly because, ever since he called, I have this sense of relief. And I know what it is, I feel like I'm in control of him again.....like now that I know he has probably realized he screwed himself over, he will be calling me and wanting me back. Like I "have him" (even though I know I don't have him, and never will have him), in the false sense. Am I making any sense? I am finding myself thinking, well, maybe he realized how much I meant, and if he would just...then maybe it would work. I am trying to quickly push these thoughts out of my head, because it goes against everything I am trying to learn with recovery. I mean it's almost like I've stopped grieving now, and that scares me because I know that's not right, I know it's not that easy. Like I am giving myself "false hope". At the same time, I am comforted that he hasn't just forgotten about me and is probably regretting his choices.

Thoughts, anyone?

denny57

But I get to choose whether to play them. And if I choose to play them, I'm an adult and I know what the rules and possible outcomes are.

If I don't want to hear someone say "you couldn't be adult enough blah blah blah," I don't listen to the message and I certainly don't call them back to hear it "live." That's just me.

Good luck!

Mair

It's hard when they start the calling. The only way i coped was by not answering, there was one time on my birthday 8 months after we split up he tried to ring i didnt answer, he then sent a text saying "happy birthday" i replied for the first time in a long while saying "thanks", but that was when i was strong enough to do so, in the beginning i used to shake when my phone rang in case it was him. But time is a great healer, and i no longer care whether he still thinks of me or not. All i know is that i am happy and content with my life, no need to be comforted by distorted memories of my xab.

This will come to you in time, it's a process, keep strong it's worth it.
hugs

Gill

Startingover2

Oh boy! They sound the same. My AH does the same thing and I have been dealing wtih this for years now. All the games. Remember its just that...a game. He thinks you are straying a bit too far away and he needs to yank on your string a few times to get you back in line. Thats all it is. He hasn't made any changes. He still has OW and is still using. In his perfect world he would have you, OW and use.

Keep moving on.

GiveLove

Good for you for hanging up. And good for you for seeing through his game.

Aside from the lunacy of him thinking you'd let an active alcoholic take your child hunting, this is pretty typical A behavior.

The question is whether having this feeling of control is going to be enough for you, or whether you're going to need to take the next step, which is flying to him when he pushes harder, or when this current relationship doesn't work out, forgetting everything you've learned.

Stay strong, SC. Whatever it takes.

Silverberry1331

Thank you for this...what a reminder....I must remember this. Wendy...my hubs did the exact same thing today...called...senses I am straying a bit too far....it is all the same...nothing has changed, except for me....keep on swimming!

ToughChoices

I think you know this, but sometimes I need a reminder:
Love is not a competition.

Reveling in someone else's pain, enjoying the power that you feel when they are hurting - this is a sign of sickness in the relationship.

He does it to you, and you do it to him.

When I love someone and feel loved by them, I do not wish them pain. I do not want them to realize that their life is "screwed over", and I am their only hope.

All that said, I certainly think that these feelings are very human. They're very understandable - they're just not (in my book) very loving.

Making that distinction is valuable here, in preparation for the temptations (read: desparate, pleading phone calls) that are to come.
In my relationship, I became TOTALLY confused about what it meant to love and be loved. I had dealt with the power struggle for so long, that I started to conflate the pleasant feelings that arose from "holding all the cards" and being needed, with being in love. With being happy and wanted.

When I got the familiar, power trip conversation that started something like, "I'm such an idiot. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me....yada yada yada.....", because it felt so good - I felt loved.
And I let him move back in.

You sound as though you understand the sickness of this scenario.
Bravo! It was a hard lesson for me to learn.

-TC

sodetermined

TC,

I do know that my sickness is what is giving me relief in this phone call, I guess I'm just not sure how to combat this. I mean I want to know he knows he messed up....I guess just keep going forward. I am actually going to be able to go to Celebrate Recovery tonight, and I'm glad, I really need it today.

ToughChoices

You combat it by recognizing it without letting it alter your path to health and emotional well-being.

And by going to your meeting and having fun!

I often feel some very sick and dark feelings.
Today I am grateful that I can recognize them for what they are.
They're part of me!
BUT if I let those feelings dictate my actions, I buy myself a whole mess of heartache.
All those months I spent wondering where the pain came from? Now I know.

Pajarito

I guess I can relate Wendy- and I haven't had STBXAH calling me at all- ever. But I have had thoughts about what it would be like if he did call me remorseful. He's moved on- pretty easily from what I can see. That's been hard for me to understand. I am grieving over a year later like nothing I have ever grieved.

I like what Toughchoices had to say about those thoughts being part of an unhealthy thought process and dynamic in a relationship. I can see that in me too- although STBXAH and I haven't played out that dynamic. I also believe it's human, and when I can identify my humanness instead of acting in the same unhealthy ways, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I applaud you for seeing this in yourself. It's helping me to think about my own thought patterns too- Thanks. . .

peaceteach

I agree with Paj. I think it is very insightful and honest of you to admit the "whys" of your feeling relief, realizing that you are choosing to get sucked into the game again if you surrender to that FALSE relief, much like an addict chooses to use again by the FALSE relief of the drug. Keep vigilant--the pay-off is great in the end. Be patient and loving with yourself, recognize dishonest or unhealthy "feelings" and keep working on YOU. Great job