Kimmieh

I realized this morning that I don't want to spend the day waiting for ABF to call, so I turned off my phone. I have been freaking out about a deadline (tomorrow), so I emailed my professor to tell her I can't do it and suggested another plan of action (which has been an alternative all along, so there was no need to stress myself). I decided that I need more time for myself, so I moved my exams back to get that time.

I have been wanting to join a gym and made a virtual model of myself at my goal weight and made her my desktop background for motivation (she looks great, lol). I thought about going to that gym, but instead I took a two-hour walk along a really beautiful trail (with lots of alligator sightings!). When I was driving back home, I think I finally really got what detachment means (at least to me). I have to do this all the time. I can still love him and see him per our agreement that he is sober when we hang out, but then I can go home and leave him to his life and his decisions. I can still believe in him, but not be consumed by his potential and what can be. I can provide him with info on treatment and offer rides and know that THAT is being supportive in a healthy way.

So now I am at home, drinking coffee, eating cherry pie (my treat for today), watching House (yay!) and looking back on a great day. And it was not hard. All I had to do was turn off my phone and leave the house.

I am sure there will be plenty of roadblocks ahead, but right now, this feels good. And really, this board has been the biggest source of wisdom! Thank you all for sharing your experiences. When I read that other people are in a similar situation, I felt like a normal person again.

guiab

Kimmieh,
I am happy for you. You have made a step forward - No make the a giant leap for Kimmieh forward.
Continue, keep posting, and keep on with thoughts like this:
"I think I finally really got what detachment means (at least to me)"

blue-eyed soul

oh, good for you! i need to refer back to this post as an example ... today i thought for sure AH and i would spend some time together as it was a beautiful day and i had been gone most of friday and saturday.

but after breakfast, he went to help the neighbors with some limb trimming, then didn't return home until dinner and left again to go visit another friend. so while i had a productive and restful day, it wasn't what i had hoped. i should have just gone and spent the day doing something fun and not building up hopes to be let down ...

thanks for sharing your successful detachment day ... i'm going to remember you the next time i do this to myself!

GiveLove

These days, I save my hopes for me, and choose not to "get them up" for anyone else...........I just feel like life is so short, we could get taken at any time, and I don't want one of my dying thoughts to be "he....hasn't......called.....today....." That took a lot of kimmieh-style practice, though!!

Kimmie, thanks so much for your post. What a great reminder of what a lovingly detached "me day" looks like.

HealthyLimits

Sounds like a great day! I wish I could have gone on your hike and I've been thinking I need more alone time myself though I don't have anybody I'm waiting for either.

I do have a question for you. How long have you two been together? And this may be a foolish question but why go through this, why not just move on if you don't have any children and you aren't married? I just can't picture being with somebody that I have to separate myself from so much.

Kimmieh

Thank you all for your encouraging replies! It's still a good day (there is a House marathon, hehe).

HealthyLimits, that's a good question and it's good that you asked because it forces me to ask myself that as well. I am not ready to let go yet. We have been together for two years. The first year he would drink, but I did not realize that he has a problem (he did not get very drunk very often and rarely smoked pot). He had a DUI (before we met) and was court-ordered into treatment (about a year after we met) and it worked very well. He got a new job and was extremely motivated. He wanted to quit drinking. I remember that he was looking for places where he can play pool that does not serve alcohol. So overall, our first year went well, then we had a few difficult months, then he picked himself up again.

So things were fine and were getting better by the day because he loved being sober. Then I was out of the country for two months this past summer and we were not able to be in touch very often. I came back and he was getting wasted every night and was stoned all day (would even smoke before work). I still don't know what happened. There has been a lot of tension between us since August.

This is a long introduction to my actual answer, but I am not ready to give up because he has made an effort once and I still have hope he will do it again. Recently he admitted he has a problem. He also admitted that he has PTSD (confirmed by a therapist at the treatment center) and depression. The therapist believes that he drinks to self-medicate his depression.

With us now living apart, there is room to wait and see without me being miserable or stressed out. He needs to go back into therapy and a few days ago he agreed. But if things continue this way and/or he gets worse, there will be a point when I say I quit. And I know he will understand, so I don't have to fear anger or stalking. It's just not the time yet. Posting here helps me to monitor myself.

HealthyLimits

I'm a pretty blunt guy so please never take what I say wrong. I have this little mantra I always say that goes like this:

"Wish/hope in one hand and **** in the other, see which fills up faster"

I'm saying that because when I get in a relationship I accept somebody for who they are that day. I don't hope they will be this person or that person. By no means am I telling you not to support a good man working on change. What I am saying however is when you've hit the point that you've got more rocky time behind you than healthy time. It's time to start looking at yourself and asking why you're alright with that.

Love is a hard thing to let go of and sometimes it's all those hopes and dreams that are harder to let go of than the relationship itself.

My issue is that if you're a healthy, well rounded, balanced young woman don't get in the market of flipping (as in buying a house in rough shape and fixing it up) with a man. I have found people grow far slower when they have somebody to lean on. Why not distance yourself, focus on your life, he can focus on his and you see where things are in 6 months?

My guess and I've been there. Is you're scared if you let go now that will be the end. Maybe he will go down a road that's far more damaging without you there. If this is your fear I would say again you need to ask yourself why you're taking on this project without being married or having children together.

The best relationship advice I could ever give anybody is to read the book "If the Buddha dated", it's very cheap on half or something and it should be law to read before getting into any relationship.

Good luck and I'm thinking good thoughts for you...

Jadmack25

Had chat with a priest about "detachment". Some time back I was told that "it was a very unchristian behavior", and because I respected the advisor, I also accepted her comment. Priest shook his head at her words, and said he totally disagreed with them. He says detaching from something which harms you either physically, mentally or spiritually is often a necessity. It is the way you detach that could be "unchristian", not the act of doing so. He also pointed out that Alanon also uses the term "detaching with love".

If you did not want to be involved in alcohol hassles which were being caused by another's problem, then the only way out was to distance yourself from both the alcohol and the alcoholic.
He finally said that Jesus told us to "love your neighbour like yourself", which to him meant we have to have love, respect and care for ourselves first.

You seem to be detaching with love, Kemmieh.

Kimmieh

HealthyLimits, thanks for all the input!

Thank you and you are right. At this point I feel like he has been good for me and ironically it is because he showed me (before the drinking became what it is now) that I don't need to be jealous and needy and controlling out of fear that I will lose him because he is not going anywhere. That made me relax and this relationship really easy. He loves me for who I am and of course some things bother him, but he says "well, that's just what it is. I love you anyway." So at this point, this relationship has overall been a good one with a lot of trust and respect. My best friend is male and we dated briefly - ABF does not mind in the least. He likes the guy and is happy we are friends. I love that about him.

BUT: for the past 3 months or so, it has been tough, yes! His focus has shifted to alcohol and pot and being able to consume both and it has become more important than me. That hurts, but have learned not to take it personally. The worst part was the constant worry when he was out and the stress when he came back wasted out his mind (with me checking if he was still breathing at night and other fun things...). That I have eliminated by telling him that if he comes home like that he has to leave. He moved out, which allowed me to reclaim my sanctuary and not have to deal with him bringing friends home to smoke pot on my balcony. And I worry much less because I don't know what he is doing. But this cannot go on forever and I will need the "togetherness" back. Right now this situation works out well and I have relaxed quite a bit. But as I said, I try to monitor myself (with the help of posts like yours) and when I become miserable again and there is no change, I will have to end it.

It seems as if it is more a case of flipping him back to where he was and that was what I was trying to do the past months, to no avail. And he and I have agreed on what you say about leaning on somebody. He said he needs to establish his own life in his own place. As for the distancing, you are right, it seems so final, which is why I don't call it by name. This is a sort of distancing that is a compromise: we do our own thing, talk a few times a week and meet every so often for dinner or something "structured" like that. And live our separate lives while still loving each other for a few months. So I am not quite taking it as far as you suggest (out of fear, yes), but it's a step in the right direction. When I was dating my mentally ill BF, I was far from where I am now and consumed with his problems 24/7. It was ridiculous. I became suicidal when I learned he was cheating because I felt like there was nothing to live for anymore. I look back in horror.

I will check it out, thank you!

Thank you, Jackmad! I still have hope that he can turn it around and I can give him that chance because right now I am not miserable and stressed out. I miss him, but that's fine. I missed him when he was still here, too, and was miserable on top of it.

And I am not going to lie: this is hard and of course I would rather be in a healthy happy relationship with no alcohol and drugs. But at this point I remember how he was until I left this past summer and I still want this relationship to be with him. He has been good for me, regardless of his addiction, so we will see what happens for now. One reason why I am reading on this board is because it shows me what can be if I am not careful and it puts things into perspective. There is only so much hope you can have while being healthy.

HealthyLimits

Do you understand what you just said? That is a healthy relationship with a real man. While it isn't always easy to find, you also shouldn't give credit for it or stay with somebody for treating you the way a man should treat a woman. That's like saying you like the fact that he doesn't hit you.

Seems like you're moving forward, working more on you and learning from your past so good work there! The only thing I want to point out is you're assuming to know what his default mode is. Truth be told you don't know which is the real person. Either he held it together long enough to get in a relationship or he's falling apart now. No way to know really other than his past.

I wish you luck and please keep us posted. I spent 10 years in a relationship...I'll correct myself there. I spent 6 months in a relationship and 9 years breaking up. Letting go is SOOOO hard but sometimes it's what needs to be done. I hope this is just a funk he pulls out of but I think the issues are always going to be there and he clearly hasn't resolved the issues that cause him to avoid being lucid.

I have this motto:

I expect to be 100% myself in a relationship, I expect my partner to do the same. I expect to get 80% of what I want from another person and that means I'll accept 20% of things I don't want. There are of course some deal killers no matter how good of a match. Like I won't date a woman that smokes weed ever!

This is what I expect, when things dip to 70% I keep a watchful eye and at 60% or even 70% for an extended time I would leave because I'm unwilling to accept less.

If that was tough to understand sorry and I'll try to clear it up but you should get my point. Perfection in a partner isn't possible but what balance are you okay with.

Kimmieh

Yes, true, and I was trying to say that the relationship felt good most of the time. I agree that it SHOULD be this way, but to find someone who treats me this way, is attracted to me, I am attracted to him, we make each other laugh, share interests, etc. felt great. The stress started much later. I don't know what the default is, but the good lasted longer than the bad and I see tiny baby steps in him towards going back to where he was.

Well, the drunk as a person is not that different from the non-drunk person except that the addiction comes first. He is not a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, has never been abusive, possessive, angry, or combative. I hate that he is drinking because it messes up his life, it makes me feel anxious and worried (not so much anymore that we don't live together anymore), and because it consumes him. I realize that this can change and get much worse, but so far the balance between good and bad still works in his favor.

BUT: I could not live with him like this, which makes me wonder if I can live with the uncertainty of relapse even if he chose recovery. I don't know, really.

There more I think about this, the more I believe he needs to go into inpatient treatment to have time and assistance to deal with his issues because he had so much going on in his life (he was in combat, lost a child, was abused as a child, etc.). If he does not deal with that, he will never be sober, so AA is not enough. He needs some serious therapy. I ask myself if I really want to share this burden and I am not at the point to say yes or no because everything is still so fresh...

That sounds very sound to me. Since we did so well for a while, I will now keep the watchful eye. And my deal breakers are hard drugs and guns. I do not want those anywhere near me.

I will keep you posted and please know that I pay attention to what you say and while I still want to rationalize, I try to be realistic. I feel good about this right now. Many of the bad feelings (the stress, the worry) are much much better now. So perhaps this is not what I should do (in the long run), but it's a step in the right direction. I am not ready for a leap yet.

DII

You know a friend of mine told me a while ago that "you're either all in or your all out". He was referring to my relationship with my AW. Very simple but very true. I was in some of the time and out most of the time. I know it isn't that simple but the premise is that you are not doing yourself or your A any favors by being in and out of the relationship. When I looked at myself I had to be honest that I COULD NOT be "all in"! I don't think if she was sober and working her program I could ever again be "all in". When I looked at it that way and realized that fact it made my decisions much easier!

Kimmieh

Thank you, DII. This is something I think about often and I have not quite found an answer. I don't feel like I am in and out of the relationship. I am trying to make it more healthy by making myself more healthy. He is still my partner, but he is troubled, so we have a bit of a distance.

It is quite possible that I will that decision for very similar reasons, but the time is not there yet. I still feel that I am making progress and I still feel good about this.