shanman422

After 5 days of sobriety and consistsently going in and out of feeling confident, I came home last night from my second job and my husband was having a glass of wine with a friend. No big deal... he ask me if i wanted to try it and I declined! But this was my first incling that I am going to have to tell him soon because I am not going to be able to be that strong all the time.

I chose not to tell him right away because I've made too many promises in the past that I would be better and it never happened. So I wanted to prove to myself first that I could go a weekend without it, with only a few friends knowing my decision to stop. So here is the rest of last night...

DH ended up going out with his friend for a few more drinks at a local bar that we often attend.... or at one point did before my son arrived. Last weekend on my 5 day binge drinking session I went to that local bar for my friends birthday... we had already gotten the coke so we were all set there. But right as we walked in one of the bouncers who I have asked for it in the past came up to us and said he had it if we needed it. Well my husband went to that bar last night and he told him he had it if he wanted. My hubby never really got into it like I did... and hated that I loved it as much as I did. I have continuously lied that I didn't do it that much even though I did it every opportunity I could.

This morning he said "You need to stop doing coke and going to the bar"... Perfect entry to what I have been secretly hiding from him for the last 5 days that I have become powerless to drugs and alcohol and I'm a Alcoholic and addicted to coke. His reaction was so selfish and he even admitted that it was. He kept saying you don't have a problem honey... uh YES I DO IF I AM TELLING YOU THAT I DO!!! He doesn't want things to change, yet upset that I can't just slow down and just have a few. He said my son alone should be my power to just say no to drugs!!! If only it was that easy, right?

I've been crying all morning now... My first opportunity to come here and talk to you guys is what has kept me sane. In the end he did say he is willing to support me and do whatever it takes. But how can I get him to really understand that this is much more serious than he thinks it is??

Anna

You don't need to convince your husband of your problem. You only need to focus on staying clean and sober and you've already got 5 days!

It's very hard for others to understand what we go through. I was so frustrated with my family when I stopped drinking. They didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I recognized that the addiction was my problem and that I had to fix it.

SelfSeeking

Oh, Shanman, I have been there. Telling my SO the truth about my alcoholism was what many of my first posts were about, I think *hugs* I know it's really hard.

Here was my experience. I, too, was a sneaky user (alcohol). I was so sneaky I was fooling myself for a long time, and when I realized the extent of my problem, I told my SO. But that was ALL I told him: I have a drinking problem. I think I'm an alcoholic. Then I was so angry and hurt when he was shocked and doubtful, and kept drinking around me.

What changed the situation was my sitting down with him and telling him all about the ways I'd been sneaking the drinks, hiding how much I was drinking, telling him about the vomitting and the blackouts and all of it. How much I obsessed over wanting to drink, how I couldn't turn a drink down. How I tried to get as drunk as possible whenever possible without anyone getting concerned that I was too drunk. I had to let him in to all of it. Then he understood. I took him to an open AA meeting last night. He's a huge support for me now.

I don't know if you've done that- sat down with him and really talked about where your addiction has taken you. If not, it might be worth a try?

Congratulations on your sober time. You are doing amazing work. Keep posting!

grrrr

Hi Shanman,

I have read some of your other posts and think what you are doing is very brave and great for you. I am new to accepting my problems as well, but I can very much relate to people I love not understanding for years. Others here may have better advice though.

I told my mom on Monday that I was an alcoholic also and not just a pot addict (which I had recently kicked). She has always had a hard time accepting that I have addiction problems. Even though she said in that conversation that she would support me, she also said, if at any time in the future I can say to her that we can have a glass of wine together, that would be great. Talk about not understanding. Then she hasn't called me or texted me all week for any support. I was im-ing with her online Thursday and she said she would call me that night after dinner, it is Saturday morning and I haven't heard from her.

Bottom line, I realized I am on day 6 sober for me. I will tell her that this is a big deal, and that I was disappointed she hasn't been more supportive. I can give her some books to read or articles online to show her third party information about the disease. But I think it will take time before others catch up to where we are because we know ourselves best, and they do not want to accept that this is our life now. It means they will need to make changes too, and most people don't like change.

A similar thing happened when I was living with my boyfriend a couple years ago. We were going through a relationship book, and questions about alcohol came up. I got emotional and admitted I struggled with it and drank to solve stress problems. We didn't drink for 3 days, but then were back at it at day 4. I had told him I had a problem, and he basically blew it off. Now I know it is up to me to stop, and I will just continue to talk to the people I love. They are not the judge of whether or not I have a problem, and I won't let them talk me out of it.

If your husband didn't want you to do coke in the first place, and is not telling you it is ok if you just slow down, he seems to be in denial. If he thought you had a problem until you admitted it, again denial, and keep talking to him about that. Sorry for rambling, stay strong, good luck, keep talking.

K

shanman422

Thanks all... yeah he is definitely in denial!!! But I do feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders just by finally speaking to him about it.
I have been with my DH for 9 years... we have been married for 4... I have had this dicussion 3 to 4 times since I have been with him that I have addictive issues. My mother is a recovering alcoholic... she has been sober since I was 6. I know I have her to confide in, but have yet to talk to her because I'm afraid of failing yet again and her worrying about me. I know the more support I get will be better for me ESPECIALLY from my family! For now I'm taking one day at a time. Today is day 6 and I look forward to a sober weekend... I'm feeling strong and that's from all of your great advise! I am so glad I found this site!!!!! THANK YOU... big hugs to you all!

Alive

It's incredibly hard when we realize our pain has not the impact on others we thought it deserved. But that's a great chance to learn that it only needs to matter to you.

6 days is awesome.

the other day i said to someone i'm with that i wanted him to understand what i go through. he said he couldn't, that he wasn't going through what i was going through, that he had never experienced that, and all he could do was just stand there, and that meant a lot to me. i guess i realized some people don't have the same emotional baggage, they have a different one, or even haven't been in that situation to know how it feels. that's why it's important to come to places like sr.

you know how this is important to you, you're doing it for you.

one of the things i am learning is that i need to grow and deal with my own pain without the need for someone to confirm the situation or how much it hurts. if something is important to you, that's it. that's all you need.

i'm proud of you