Birdie3

So I just responded to a thread about crazy neighbors in another forum, but it really got me thinking & pretty angry. My neighbors don't have much money & 2 young kids, but they always seem to find money for things they want. Here's a quick brief. Like I already mentioned 2 young kids, husband has kids from previous relationship so he pays child support. She smokes pot every day after dropping her kids off at school & I think again after she picks them up. She pays about $5/each for any pain pills she can get her hands on. She takes her son's afternoon Rydalyn pill, so she can get a buzz. She regularly drinks as well, so does her husband. They both smoke at least a pack a day, but then run out of money about a week before payday. And here's the kicker. They collect food stamps because they don't make enough money to get by. Please tell me how that works. I've recently started working at a grocery store where I had a customer who used her food stamp card to buy groceries & BEER, then at the last minute added a couple packs of cigarettes. I know the food stamp card doesn't cover liquor & cigarettes, but seriously where are these people's morals??? How is it that they can take advantage of our tax money?? If you need food stamps to survive, then you shouldn't be able to buy drugs, cigs & booze while your kids suffer. Oh, and my husband was at a gas station the other day when a couple walked in with 4 YOUNG CHILDREN while the parents used the welfare check to buy cigs & booze. The cashier was disgusted by it, but she said there's nothing she can do. They ARE ALLOWED to use the money for it. Please someone explain this to me!!!

Anna

Hi Birdie,

My suggestion is to focus on yourself and your recovery.

If you believe that the children are in an unsafe environment, then calling family services would be a good idea.

Birdie3

Thanks Anna,

I do try to focus on myself, but my neighbor always knows that when my car is in the driveway, I'm home. I try to avoid her as much as possible because I know she's "toxic". I share a wall with her.. I'm basically attched to her. Her kids are sweet & I know they don't recieve as much attention as they should, so I try to not avoid them all the time because they deserve attention. We live in a military community, so me calling social services would basically mean that I would ruin his career completely, & the entire family would have nothing. It's kind of a dilemma. Military families are supposed to support each other no matter what. It's sort of an unwritten code. And if I ruined her husband's career, it could easily lead to my husband's career as well because everyone knows everyone's business. I don't know what I'll do, but I guess the reason for the post was to see if anyone else felt the same way I do... that so many people are taking advantage of the system. How is it that no one checks up on people who are getting free food every month, but then spend the extra money on cigs, drugs & booze?? Hell, I could use some extra money for food every month too, but in these times couldn't we all use some extra money??? I guess I'm just feeling frustrated by it all. I know everyone could probably say that I should call the authorities on them, but really would you all do that if you were in this situation??

Anna

I was a military wife for 22 years and I know what you're saying. I know how tight and small military communities are. I know that sometimes you need to go outside the military community and military police, in order to have something taken care of.

But, the bottom line is the children that are involved and if they are being neglected. If they are, I would absolutely believe it was my responsibility to do whatever needed to be done.

Celebration1994

This is just my spin on it, please understand I am not criticizing. I don't care what they spend their money or foodstamps on, if it bothers you, they have a hotline for welfare fraud, but...I care about the welfare of the children. For me, I know I would be looking to protect the children from being neglected. Years ago I had to call the hotline on my brothers chlidren as they were so neglected. It caused a mess in the family, but the children were removed until my brother and sister in law could get it together...and this took some time, and some harsh feelings in the family towards me. I have never regretted doing what I needed to do to protect the children. I know there are ways to report and stay anonymous, as I am a mandated reporter now, because I work with teen girls at risk, and I have had to report cases of neglect and/or abuse. The decision is yours to make. My prayers go out to the children and to you

lostbutterfly

It is difficult. I know people on benefits in the UK who can't afford stuff for their kids but can smoke and drink.

On the other hand, I am guilty of the same thing, in that I have put my habits over my kids needs.

Reading your post reminded me of that, and I am so glad I am not that person anymore (today, anyway)!

mle-sober

I have such mixed emotions to this post.

My mom and I were on food stamps for a year when I was twelve. It was humiliating. There were so many people on foodstamps in the poor rural community where we lived. It shouldn't have been a big deal. It was very common. And yet those that weren't on assistance looked down on those that were. At the grocery store, everyone watched to see what we were ringing up. Were we buying junk food? Soda? Expensive meat instead of inexpensive meat? I stood there and felt my face burn with shame.

There was a time when I was drinking that I went from liquor store to liquore store to hide how much I was buying. Afraid of what some stranger college kid would think about my purchase at the counter. Leaving my kids buckled into their car seats as I ran in to get my booze.

And I have been handcuffed and put in cop cars for my bipolar, drunken behavior. I have been in the hospital more times than I can count, put in four point restrainsts, told not to drink.... and I'd get out and drink again. I had so much shame from those instances but it didn't stop me.

Now, I feel freed from being judged, and from shame. Because I've gathered my courage and asked for help and found a path through the horribly difficult maze of learning how to be sober.

But it is only, truly, by unbelievable grace that I am where I am. I don't feel responsible for my sobriety, in many ways. I feel like it was a gift that the powerful universe gave me. I don't know where the strength came from. It didn't come from me.

So, that being said, I cannot judge others actions, where they are in their strugggles, how hard they work, what hurdles they have... I know my own seemed insurmountable and harsh for years and years. But the whole time, I was trying. I maybe looked insane and pitiful (and I probably was) but I was still trying.

When I see others that don't meet my ideal of what you should do with your life, I try very hard to have compassion. I am so grateful for my own experience. That's the place I come from. Gratitude.

The thread about our neighbors humored me because the question posted was what kind of neighbors do you have? And a lot of people said their neighbors were super crazy. But the truth is, aren't we all crazy drunks or addicts on this site, I mean really? I wonder how our neigbors would describe us?

Aysha

I agree with mle...Everyone has their own struggles.
I am on food stamps. I do go to the food pantry at the end of the month.
But every once in awhile I can go out to eat and yes. I have screwed up spending bill money on drugs.
That is my addiction.
But to me it doesnt mean I am no less entitled to benefits than the next person. I work and I pay my tax dollars to those programs.
Having those benefits help me survive.
I do not have kids. And Thats a whole nother thing. Taking your kid's meds to get high.
I wont even go there.
But I get the feeling people hawk me when I shop.
But I dont care.
Not one person outside of my house really knows what goes on in my life.
What struggles I really go through.
I do my best to keep my side of the street clean. Until I see someone affecting me.
Then maybe theres cause to cross the street.
But I cant ever really know what the next person is goin through.

Birdie3

I did not mean to offend anyone at all by this post, & I'm sorry if I did. Obviously we all have our own demons & have made poor choices or else none of us would be on this website. Gosh, if I had invested all the money I've spent on alcohol over the years, I would probably be a rich woman. I guess I'm just frustrated because I hear her complain every day about not having enough money to get by. Just today I think she told me she had less than $20 in her account to get by for another week, but she also tells me everything else she's spent her money on & I'm just supposed to nod in agreement & say that we're underpaid & gas prices are too high. And next payday she'll do the same thing. But she also sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle. I've actually heard her criticize other mothers about not taking care of their kids. And her kids are not beaten & abused & suffering in that respect. They are just suffering from having 2 parents that really don't have their priorities straight. I've though about anonymously reporting them. I still might, but I guess I'm just trying to weigh the options about how it could affect them. I don't want anyone to think that I'm being judgmental about anyone's lifestyle. None of us are perfect, but on the other hand it's hard for me to listen to someone who continually complains about not having money & can't afford certain things for her kids, but in the same conversation will tell me about buying pills from people in the neighborhood at $5/pill. I guess when it's so blatant it's a little hard not to judge. And I know how much her husband makes. It's the military. It's public knowledge to anyone who wants to look up the salaries on the internet, so I know that they're not really struggling & I think are just on the borderline of even being qualified for public aid. Maybe I should just stop my rambling about it now, & again I'm sorry if anyone took it the wrong way. I'm glad we have programs to help people out who are struggling, but I don't really think my neighbors are struggling. Sorry again of I sounded judgmental. I guess it was just reading another thread that was talking about crazy neighbors which made me think about them. I know we're all a little crazy in our own way. It's just a little sad to watch when you see it first hand & the kids are really the ones who are suffering.

Latte

It is scarey to think about what his career would turn into, but seriously the kids need a safe place. That is the bottom line. In my case DCFS helped us set up a plan to make sure the children were safe while I got help.

Once I got clean I was so greatful that DCFS had been there to help.

Birdie3

His career would be over. Period. That's why I'm having this dilemma. If I ruin his career, then what would happen to the kids?? Would they be even worse off?? And as I said, they don't want help. They don't think they need help. They think they are just fine. I know I don't have this addiction beat yet, but I do realize it's a problem. And thank God, I have no children involved in my addiction. And I'm sure there are so many other children out there who have it way worse then they do. How do you help someone who doesn't want help or doesn't even see the problem? Maybe I just need to mind my own business & stay out of other people's business??

Aysha

Are these kids in danger? Are they pretty much taken care of? Are these kids happy?
You cant help anyone who dont want or think they need it.

sct

My suggestion is to report them to child services, regardless. Odds are that his addiction will f*ck up his career soon enough on its own, and by that time immeasurable damage will have been done to the kids. My family was on foodstamps on and off for years. At times I know my father sold them to other families to have more cash to buy alcohol or just to have his own money when he wasn't working. His career is no excuse to let those children stay in that environment.

Birdie3

No, I wouldn't say in danger. Yes, pretty much taken care of. Clothes on their backs. Are they happy?? Probably not. Their mom admits to me that they're all happier when her husband is in Iraq. It's complicated. Her husband probably suffers, no definitely suffers from some affects of being in combat so many times. He's emotionally detached from the family & controlling of her & the kids. Like I already said, maybe I should mind my own business. I know I can't help someone who doesn't think they need it. I didn't mean to start a thread that was this involved. I guess I'm not sure if you're saying I should just leave them alone & not get involved with it all. I know they're not physically abused. If I saw signs of that, I know it would be my responsibility to take action. I guess it's just a borderline situation at this point. I know there's kids all over the country & world who don't have ideal homes & we can't save them all. I'm sure we all didn't grow up with "perfect" parents, so who am I to judge?? Maybe it's partly because when I was in college I thought about being a social worker, but never did it, but I still have something in me that wants to help other people especially when it's RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE. I just don't know.

Birdie3

SCT, I must have been writing at the same time you were. You're probably right, but I have just heard horror stories about kids getting sent to foster homes & being worse off than they were with their own parents. Thank you for your input though. I've never really been in a situation like this.

Aysha

IMHO..I would hope you really know what your talking about before you go messin with peoples lives.
Unless theres danger or neglect. How emotionally attached and whether or not they like being around this man is their business.
I am sorry..But this is exactly why I dont tell people my business and stay to myself.
If your tired of hearing her complaints. Then you have the choice to detach and not listen to it.

Crazy8Canuck

This is a very interesting discussion and I am intrigued by it....not sure why though, because I don't fully understand the food stamp thing. We don't have that where I live, but welfare checks are a common thing. I guess the military side of it is what I am curious about. I was in the Canadian navy for almost 8 yrs and as a part of our service we were required to be active in the community in a volunteer capacity (I helped a boys and girls club for military kids) and I saw the kids of the guys I worked with and knew which kids had drunk parents....and also met many of those parents in jail...with me, and ultimately in the ARC program (Alcohol Rehabilitation Clinic....28 day rehab). So I don't know what is available for the US military, but there are resources available to service people in Canada, and basically if you don't fly right after the program, mandatory 1 year sobriety or depending on your situation you have a choice of military jail or discharge....I personally faced military jail in the first place so 7 months after i took the 28 days and screwed up I left because I didn't want military jail...that's hard time.

personally if I was in your shoes I would contact a padre and have them intervene...that way the neighbors don't know its you, no police involved, unless the padre finds something, its very unlikely your neighbors would freak out on a padre, and it could be the wake up call your neighbor needs when his career walks in the front door and reality smacks him in the face. I have seen what happens to military kids that slip through the cracks of pi$$ tank parents...its not pretty and they suffer in the end. Call your base padre...don't worry about the parents....save those kids....and maybe the parents will clue in too, and his career will be saved.

You are a good person for caring...many don't and in some cases kids die...take a step , but make sure its a good step....call your padre.

Good luck and keep up the fight.

Chuck

Birdie3

Sorry Chynita, but why are you being so defensive?? If someone makes it their business to tell me every aspect of their personal life, how can I not listen or get involved?? I just read a post about people not wanting to come back to SR because people are critical of their posts & are not friendly. If you don't agree with me on this, please don't read my posts anymore. I thought this was supposed to be a safe place where we support each other. I apologized & said I didn't mean to offend anyone about it. Why are you being so critical?? I didn't say I wanted to ruin their lives. That's why I said many times that it's a dilemma for me. Sorry, but I have a heart & don't want to see young children being hurt because their parents have an addiction. If there's something I can do to help them not follow in their parents footsteps, then why shouldn't I?? Actually, I have spent a lot of time on this website reading posts before I joined & I always respected what you had to say. Your entitled to your own opinion, but I have to say that it's pretty hurtful to read what you wrote. I can sense that you're being critical of me. Not what I'm looking for on this site.

Birdie3

Thank you for the support Chuck & thank you for saying I'm a caring person. Yes, I think this is a very interesting & IMPORTANT issue, but it looks like I've offended some people by bringing it up, so I don't know how much more I should say about it. Maybe I'll just keep my opinions to myself from now on.

lostbutterfly

Well, it's hard to communicate in writing sometimes! It is easy to misunderstand each other.

Anyway, I wasn't offended, even though I was no better than these parents you are describing. It's good to be reminded of what I was and could be again if I pick up.

It's a very tough situation you are in, especially on a military base. I understand your dilemma. What Chuck said about a padre, where things would be kept confidential and informal initally, that sounds pretty good.