exjunky update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 607
exjunky update
I feel a little guilty leaving so many people "hanging in the lurch" ... one day I just vanish from this place and what are you supposed to think, the worst?
Well if you thought the worst you were closer to the truth than if you thought the best, but things aren't too bad. Let me explain.
After 5 years I broke up with my girlfriend. It was pretty good as far as breakups go. We left as friends. She moved across the state, some 300+ miles away. I want to help her in any way I can to get a fresh start. Meanwhile I need a fresh start myself. Drugs were a big component of the breakup but not the only issue by a longshot. The details aren't important, the bottom line is, it was a breakup.
So I've got a new apartment and my drug habit has been relatively under control -- by that I mean, I've been worse off, but I still use. I keep saying that I'm going to clean up but things keep coming up so I procrastinate becoming clean. (How did that old movie Airplane! go? "Not a good week to quit cigarettes" ... "Not a good week to quit dilaudid" ... "Not a good week to quit sniffing glue" ... that sort of logic.) And so I've been real scarce around SR. I feel like I have no business even being here; I choose to use. No sense in even signing in unless I have something productive to contribute, and I didn't.
But wait, there's more to this story... much more. Now that I've got settled into my new apartment, I invited a girl to come visit me from the other coast (the west coast of Florida, not California). I figured we'd hang out, do drugs, play around on the internet, eat at some nice restaurants and of course in the back of my mind a little nookie wasn't out of the question.
But nothing could have prepared me for what happened when she got here. I went positively head-over-heels for her. She's the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. She stayed a few days and just drove home yesterday. I had a dream last night of being with Amanda. I made coffee this morning and the coffee machine seemed to gurgle "Amanda". I made cereal this morning and I saw Amanda's face in my milk. I got it bad, doc.
Amanda is not an addict, but she is willing to do drugs once in a great while for recreation, and is tolerant of drug use, in a Libertarian sort of way. At the same time she realizes that some people cannot use drugs without starting on a road of complete self-destruction. She's smart enough to know that I am one of those people. So now I have a new motivation to get clean: Amanda. Nothing is more important to me than Amanda right now, not even heroin, my drug of choice which historically I have placed above everything else.
So now you're caught up. I started using again, I broke up with my girlfriend, and no sooner do I begin living on my own I fall head-over-heels in love with Amanda. Now I'm ready to give sobriety another shot. This time I really think things will be different. There's that old saying from NA meetings... "If nothing changes, then nothing changes." Well my friends, something changed! I know that I can do it this time, because I want to do it, and the stakes have never been higher. I want to make Amanda happy and I can do that best, if I am drug free and fully functional.
So wish me luck!
X.J.
PS - I love all you SR people but I'm so out of touch lately I have no idea what's going on with you all. I hope the people who have been clean for ages are still clean for ages and I hope the people who were struggling have fought the good fight.
Well if you thought the worst you were closer to the truth than if you thought the best, but things aren't too bad. Let me explain.
After 5 years I broke up with my girlfriend. It was pretty good as far as breakups go. We left as friends. She moved across the state, some 300+ miles away. I want to help her in any way I can to get a fresh start. Meanwhile I need a fresh start myself. Drugs were a big component of the breakup but not the only issue by a longshot. The details aren't important, the bottom line is, it was a breakup.
So I've got a new apartment and my drug habit has been relatively under control -- by that I mean, I've been worse off, but I still use. I keep saying that I'm going to clean up but things keep coming up so I procrastinate becoming clean. (How did that old movie Airplane! go? "Not a good week to quit cigarettes" ... "Not a good week to quit dilaudid" ... "Not a good week to quit sniffing glue" ... that sort of logic.) And so I've been real scarce around SR. I feel like I have no business even being here; I choose to use. No sense in even signing in unless I have something productive to contribute, and I didn't.
But wait, there's more to this story... much more. Now that I've got settled into my new apartment, I invited a girl to come visit me from the other coast (the west coast of Florida, not California). I figured we'd hang out, do drugs, play around on the internet, eat at some nice restaurants and of course in the back of my mind a little nookie wasn't out of the question.
But nothing could have prepared me for what happened when she got here. I went positively head-over-heels for her. She's the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. She stayed a few days and just drove home yesterday. I had a dream last night of being with Amanda. I made coffee this morning and the coffee machine seemed to gurgle "Amanda". I made cereal this morning and I saw Amanda's face in my milk. I got it bad, doc.
Amanda is not an addict, but she is willing to do drugs once in a great while for recreation, and is tolerant of drug use, in a Libertarian sort of way. At the same time she realizes that some people cannot use drugs without starting on a road of complete self-destruction. She's smart enough to know that I am one of those people. So now I have a new motivation to get clean: Amanda. Nothing is more important to me than Amanda right now, not even heroin, my drug of choice which historically I have placed above everything else.
So now you're caught up. I started using again, I broke up with my girlfriend, and no sooner do I begin living on my own I fall head-over-heels in love with Amanda. Now I'm ready to give sobriety another shot. This time I really think things will be different. There's that old saying from NA meetings... "If nothing changes, then nothing changes." Well my friends, something changed! I know that I can do it this time, because I want to do it, and the stakes have never been higher. I want to make Amanda happy and I can do that best, if I am drug free and fully functional.
So wish me luck!
X.J.
PS - I love all you SR people but I'm so out of touch lately I have no idea what's going on with you all. I hope the people who have been clean for ages are still clean for ages and I hope the people who were struggling have fought the good fight.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Glad to hear from you--ex 
That's great that you are giving recovery another try....but I do have a concern. I was told that we must want to be clean for ourselves--first and foremost. If this girl motivates you somehow to get back into the rooms and start working a program--cool........but what happens if she finds another boyfriend......what then? Will you still want recovery? 
That's great that you are giving recovery another try....but I do have a concern. I was told that we must want to be clean for ourselves--first and foremost. If this girl motivates you somehow to get back into the rooms and start working a program--cool........but what happens if she finds another boyfriend......what then? Will you still want recovery? Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,139
Good to see you back ((XJ))!
I agree with Angelina's post...but hey, whatever it takes right? You do what you need to do to get your sobriety back and I really hope everything falls into place for you with your newfound love!
Don't forget to love yourself too, man! :ghug3
((HUGS))
Jane
I agree with Angelina's post...but hey, whatever it takes right? You do what you need to do to get your sobriety back and I really hope everything falls into place for you with your newfound love!
Don't forget to love yourself too, man! :ghug3
((HUGS))
Jane
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((XJ))
Welcome back!
I have the same concern as Angelina. If getting clean for Amanda gets you STARTED, then I think that's okay, but you have to choose recovery for YOURSELF or it just won't work...at least not for long.
I'm going on 20 months clean, and my recovery has to be a priority.
Good to see you back!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome back!
I have the same concern as Angelina. If getting clean for Amanda gets you STARTED, then I think that's okay, but you have to choose recovery for YOURSELF or it just won't work...at least not for long.
I'm going on 20 months clean, and my recovery has to be a priority.
Good to see you back!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Ya know, I was *this* close to posting a 'where's xj' thread the other day, brother. Glad to hear you're doing somewhat okay at least. My best advice is to NOT let this girl know how into her you are, make her wonder ... I know I'll get yelled at by the some folks around here for saying that (I have before!), but ... as something of a serial monogamist who's been in a LOT of relationships in my day ... trust me on this one. Early on, you wanna play your cards close to the vest, as they say 
Plus, that helps you mentally if things don't end up working out, you can't lose too much face that way. Just my OPINION, do with it what you will ...
And I agree with everyone else ... you gotta want recovery for yourself, and I think you know that. You pin your recovery on someone else, on a relationship, and then things don't work out, THEN where are you? "The Deep End" I think is an apt metaphor ... Again, been there, done that. Got the t-shirt...
Welcome back in any case my friend. Even if you're using, I still think you can contribute man, and I hope you will ...
Plus, that helps you mentally if things don't end up working out, you can't lose too much face that way. Just my OPINION, do with it what you will ...And I agree with everyone else ... you gotta want recovery for yourself, and I think you know that. You pin your recovery on someone else, on a relationship, and then things don't work out, THEN where are you? "The Deep End" I think is an apt metaphor ... Again, been there, done that. Got the t-shirt...
Welcome back in any case my friend. Even if you're using, I still think you can contribute man, and I hope you will ...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: lost, very lost
Posts: 460
so glad to see you XJ, we are here for you, and glad you found a cool chick, she sounds great and very intelligent!! We all love you here! Stay around! I miss your wit, and often funny posts! Dont go again, no matter if you are using or not, you are "our" XJ!!!!!! We love and need you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Welcome back Ex. I love your honesty and about the mushy lovey-dovy stuff. Good for you but my first reaction too was...don't do it for her - do it for you!
Good luck. I'll be watching your posts for updates!
Good luck. I'll be watching your posts for updates!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 607
Don't worry, when I said "I have a new reason to get clean" I didn't mean a one-and-only reason, I meant one more reason to add to the already gigantic list.
And about that, I've really been a lot better, I guess it's all relative. I haven't used much in the last few months but as long as I am willing to use, even "on occasion", there is a problem.
bvaljalo - Good advice as usual but I don't think it applies to this very special situation. I don't throw around the word "love" lightly ... the normal playbook gets tossed aside when **** like this goes down! I know, I sound like a giddy schoolgirl. Don't worry, this isn't the first time to the dance for me.
And about that, I've really been a lot better, I guess it's all relative. I haven't used much in the last few months but as long as I am willing to use, even "on occasion", there is a problem.
bvaljalo - Good advice as usual but I don't think it applies to this very special situation. I don't throw around the word "love" lightly ... the normal playbook gets tossed aside when **** like this goes down! I know, I sound like a giddy schoolgirl. Don't worry, this isn't the first time to the dance for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
I can dig it, man ... since it's a 'special situation' and all ... and thus, the 'normal rules' don't apply ... you can just throw caution to the wind ...
Just stick around this time, so you can lemme know how that plan works out for you, kay?
Just stick around this time, so you can lemme know how that plan works out for you, kay?
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I personally could care less how or why you get clean.
As long as you do.
But then the only person you need answer to is yourself. Not anyone here or anywhere.
You already know the deal.
I know you will get that sober life again.
There is no doubt in my mind.
Good luck and glad to see you.
As long as you do.
But then the only person you need answer to is yourself. Not anyone here or anywhere.
You already know the deal.
I know you will get that sober life again.
There is no doubt in my mind.
Good luck and glad to see you.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Ex-Junky,
When I first came on these boards, you were an encouragement to me. I came onboard in Oct. 07. I have 9 months clean now!!!
You too can do this, just like we all have. Are you willing? I hope so! Jump on board, dump your crap and take the plunge. We have all been there. Don't prolong quitting any longer, you are just wasting precious time.
You have only 657,000 hours to live (more or less) How are you spending yours?
You will be so much further along mentally and out of the fog quicker if you start soon rather than later!
Welcome back! Blessings, Sheila
When I first came on these boards, you were an encouragement to me. I came onboard in Oct. 07. I have 9 months clean now!!!
You too can do this, just like we all have. Are you willing? I hope so! Jump on board, dump your crap and take the plunge. We have all been there. Don't prolong quitting any longer, you are just wasting precious time.
You have only 657,000 hours to live (more or less) How are you spending yours?
You will be so much further along mentally and out of the fog quicker if you start soon rather than later!
Welcome back! Blessings, Sheila
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 384
exjunky, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you are feeling like it's all worth it again!! Who cares why you get clean as long as you get that way.
You have been a real friend and inspiration to a lot of us, I know some of your words still ring in my ears.
Best of luck to you and Amanda...
Rock on
You have been a real friend and inspiration to a lot of us, I know some of your words still ring in my ears.
Best of luck to you and Amanda...
Rock on
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