ToughChoices

Is crying all the time.

She and my father came over this weekend for my son's birthday party - a big, tag-in-the-park-chocolate-cake-and-ice-cream-remote-control-car-racing kind of party that was LOTS of fun for everybody.
Except her.
Because she's so sad. And angry. And disappointed.

With me. With my life. With my husband.
Ugh.

She kept giving me the "smother hug." You know, the one where you hug for what feels like an appropriate amount of time, but when you try to pull away the other person won't let you?
Then when she finally let go she'd have tears streaming down her face.
I'd ask her what was wrong and she kept saying, "Nothing, nothing."

Right. She's fine.

When she got me alone in the car for a few minutes, she started bawling about how Peter had failed me, how sad she was that my life had turned out like this. She can't sleep or eat - she's overcome when she thinks about me sleeping alone in my little house.

"But, Mom," I said. "I'm happy. Things have worked out just as they should. I love my little house, and you don't need to worry about me. I'm doing fine."

She cried more.

Um.
So.
I think my mother is codependent.

The realization is freeing, in a way. The behaviors that always drove me batty as a teen - the neediness and passive aggressiveness - there's a reason for 'em!
And, man oh man, much as I hate to admit it, did I ever pick up some of those behaviors and run with them!

There is no alcoholism in my family of origin, so I often wondered where I learned my codependent traits. Now I can see how codependency would evolve in my mom - her father (who died before I was born) was an abusive alcoholic - and influence me.

Wow. Alcoholism is a family disease, alright.


-Tc

Aquarian

I often wondered where I learned my codependent traits. Now I can see how codependency would evolve in my mom -

I had to smile a little at that. We do learn lots of stuff from our parents, whether we like it our not (or admit it or not)! My AH quit drinking and also has a medical condition where he can't have sugar. My well-meaning mom frequently says stuff like - "oh you should get the beer out of the house, only have your sweet treats away from the house". I have to keep reminding her (and myself) that part of my husband's problem is that he needs to learn how to use his words, communicate clearly, know and set his own boundaries. The codependent part of me use to LIVE to try to anticipate his every comfort in life, meanwhile not taking care of myself! Crazy! I am not going to do that anymore. And your passive aggresive stuff rang true to me as well. At times my AH would have a mood, but when asked what's up, he'd say "nothing". I grew up with an A dad with TONS of moods and I WILL not be put in a position of being a mind reader anymore! If someone can't explain what's wrong - tough crap I say now or get back to me when you can! It's manipulation and it stinks!

peaceteach

I think it is cool that you were able to make this observation of your mother. And that you were able to reassure her that you are okay. Moms worry, fret, and somehow take the blame for their children's every woe. Until reading about codependency, mind you! I think parenting can be extremely an extremely codependent relationship if we are not mindful of ourselves while parenting. It is good that you are showing your mom a strong side of yourself, that you are surviving without a man. Maybe you will be her catalyst for change

ToughChoices

When I was a teenager, my dad would periodically go out of town on business.
My mom was always a mess - weeping and calling him all the time.
I remember thinking she was so weak. She depended on him so much.

I did not want to assume that pattern, but it slowly crept up on me.

I think I've come to a point where I can get beyond seeing her "weakness" (or mine, for that matter) as the problem, and I can begin to see the underlying need for reassurance, for love, for physical presence as a coping mechanism. She uses my father to cope with her internal pain.
She uses me in a very similar way.

I would love to be able to help her see her way through the pain.

Freedom1990

Yep, it is a family disease.

Your mom and my mom would probably get along very well!

FormerDoormat

I used to think there was no alcoholism in my family of origin, either. But still codependent tendencies were passed down to my mother and she passed them down to me. Then I learned that my great-grandfather (who I later learned was actually my grandfather's uncle) used to be a raging alcoholic but had been sober for years by the time I came around. That's apparently where the initial damage was done.

Codependency is as incidious as alcoholism. But the BUCK STOPS HERE, BABY.