Not sure what to do...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Not sure what to do...
My RAH just achieved 60 days sober as of yesterday. I am very happy for him. He has been going to AA meetings 3-4 times per week. I go at the same time to Al-Anon meetings (they have them simultaneously), except on Wednesdays I go with him to the open AA meeting because there is no Al-Anon meeting that night. This has been very helpful to me to see that he is not the only one, and help me understand it truly is a disease.
I have seen many positive changes in my husband, and for this I am thankful and hopeful. I know at this point he truly desires to be clean. However, I do have my concerns. We have been carpooling ever since he got out of inpatient (three weeks into his sobriety), because his car needs repairs we cannot afford at this time (plus the gas savings is enormous). Most of the time, I have the car because I need it throughout the day, and he does not. He does get the car on Wednesdays and on every other Friday because he has to pick up his kids. On the days he has had the car, I can tell he really struggles with staying sober. One of the days, as soon as we got home, he was frantically searching for his "where and when" and asked if I could take him to a meeting that night (and I did). On almost every day he has had the car, I can see on the phone bill that he has made calls to his dealer. These are the only days he has made these calls. I am 99% sure he did not hook up on any of those days.
I am concerned because he worked his first three steps in inpatient, but has not gotten a sponsor or worked anymore steps since he got out. It seems that he does not reach out to others in AA when he is thinking about calling his dealer, or while he is calling his dealer. I'm not sure how he is keeping from using, except maybe the dealer is just not available when he is calling him, or he is catching himself before he actually hooks up. When he has no transportation, he is fine. But it seems the minute he has a vehicle and access to a way to score, he tries.
Do I try to talk with him about this? Let him know I know he is struggling, and every time he has the car, he calls the dealer? Suggest he seek a temporary sponsor until he gets a sponsor, suggest he keep the phone list in his wallet so he has it when he needs it, etc. etc.
Or do I just keep minding my own business, and let him figure it all out even if that means he possibly screws up while he has my car and leaves me up a creek?
I know it can't go on like this forever. Eventually he will have his car fixed and the freedom to do whatever he wants. I am actually anxious to have the freedom not to have to run him all over town. At the same time, we enjoy each other's company, and he has said on many occasions, he likes carpooling because it keeps him out of trouble. Plus it's saving us hundreds of dollars a month in gas. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I want to know he will be ok when he's completely back "on his own". Ugh I hate this.
I have seen many positive changes in my husband, and for this I am thankful and hopeful. I know at this point he truly desires to be clean. However, I do have my concerns. We have been carpooling ever since he got out of inpatient (three weeks into his sobriety), because his car needs repairs we cannot afford at this time (plus the gas savings is enormous). Most of the time, I have the car because I need it throughout the day, and he does not. He does get the car on Wednesdays and on every other Friday because he has to pick up his kids. On the days he has had the car, I can tell he really struggles with staying sober. One of the days, as soon as we got home, he was frantically searching for his "where and when" and asked if I could take him to a meeting that night (and I did). On almost every day he has had the car, I can see on the phone bill that he has made calls to his dealer. These are the only days he has made these calls. I am 99% sure he did not hook up on any of those days.
I am concerned because he worked his first three steps in inpatient, but has not gotten a sponsor or worked anymore steps since he got out. It seems that he does not reach out to others in AA when he is thinking about calling his dealer, or while he is calling his dealer. I'm not sure how he is keeping from using, except maybe the dealer is just not available when he is calling him, or he is catching himself before he actually hooks up. When he has no transportation, he is fine. But it seems the minute he has a vehicle and access to a way to score, he tries.
Do I try to talk with him about this? Let him know I know he is struggling, and every time he has the car, he calls the dealer? Suggest he seek a temporary sponsor until he gets a sponsor, suggest he keep the phone list in his wallet so he has it when he needs it, etc. etc.
Or do I just keep minding my own business, and let him figure it all out even if that means he possibly screws up while he has my car and leaves me up a creek?
I know it can't go on like this forever. Eventually he will have his car fixed and the freedom to do whatever he wants. I am actually anxious to have the freedom not to have to run him all over town. At the same time, we enjoy each other's company, and he has said on many occasions, he likes carpooling because it keeps him out of trouble. Plus it's saving us hundreds of dollars a month in gas. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I want to know he will be ok when he's completely back "on his own". Ugh I hate this.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
If he's calling his dealer, he's using. Since no one can keep a drug addict from obtaining and using drugs, what steps can you take to change the situation? Alanon opened up a world of possibilities for me--and none of them involved settling for life with an addicted partner.
Bonnie
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 20
I wish I knew what to say. I just want to add some support. I would think that he is using if he is calling. Maybe he has a dealer with a conscious????
What a hard decision to make. I would ask him, if it were me.
What a hard decision to make. I would ask him, if it were me.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by CrushedbyCrack 
I just want to not have to worry anymore. I want to know he will be ok when he's completely back "on his own".
My worry decreased dramatically when I began to trust in my HP, to believe that my AH will be "ok" - even if his life looks nothing like I want it to.
Even if he drinks.
Even if he leaves.
Even if he loses his job.
The bottom line is: I don't get to make plans for another person's life.
You don't have any control over what your partner does or does not do.
That sounds scary, but it can also be incredibly freeing.
The worry can end - for me, it never accomplished anything except a stomachache!
He gets to live his own life and work his own recovery.
Fortunately, the same is true for you.
Take care.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
crushed,
Although I too smell something fishy in your husband's behavior (all those calls and no hookup? I think you know how unlikely that is) I tend to approach this stuff pretty delicately anyway, with as much loving detachment as I can drum up.
H and I have had a few conversations where I was feeling that maybe there was some shady stuff going on. I wanted him to have a chance to come clean, and so the conversation would go something like this (using your problem as the example):
"When you have the car, do you find that the temptation to use is stronger? Or is it about the same?" No judgment, no expectations.
or
"Do you still have cravings? How do you deal with them? Is there anything I can do to help?"
If he is using, as you mentioned, it will become clear soon enough. But for now, since you don't seem inclined to suspect him or challenge him, you may just want to ask. The answers might be interesting.
What are your boundaries if he does go back to using?
Although I too smell something fishy in your husband's behavior (all those calls and no hookup? I think you know how unlikely that is) I tend to approach this stuff pretty delicately anyway, with as much loving detachment as I can drum up.
H and I have had a few conversations where I was feeling that maybe there was some shady stuff going on. I wanted him to have a chance to come clean, and so the conversation would go something like this (using your problem as the example):
"When you have the car, do you find that the temptation to use is stronger? Or is it about the same?" No judgment, no expectations.
or
"Do you still have cravings? How do you deal with them? Is there anything I can do to help?"
If he is using, as you mentioned, it will become clear soon enough. But for now, since you don't seem inclined to suspect him or challenge him, you may just want to ask. The answers might be interesting.
What are your boundaries if he does go back to using?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 72
Give Love,
I like your approach, and wish I had read it yesterday before I talked to him. I did end up talking to him last night about the concerns I was having. I approached it like this...
"I need to talk to you about some concerns I'm having. I have made some observations and would like to offer some suggestions." Well, he listened, but he seemed to pull away halfway through and when I pointed that out, he said "you are making me feel uncomfortable". Some of the suggestions I made, he responded that, "don't you think I"ve been trying to do that" (find a sponsor, etc)
End result, I got everything off my chest, but I'm no closer to knowing how he feels about things. If I had approached it your way, I'm sure I would be. However, he did say this morning (when I asked if he was upset with me for bringing it all up last night) "no, I'm not mad at you, I never was, because it's all my fault. If I wasn't an alcoholic and a drug addict, you would never be having these issues in the first place." So i guess it's a good thing that he's trying to take some responsibility, and it seems that he did listen to what I had to say. I just need to learn that the person may not always respond the way I want them to, and they don't have to either....
I like your approach, and wish I had read it yesterday before I talked to him. I did end up talking to him last night about the concerns I was having. I approached it like this...
"I need to talk to you about some concerns I'm having. I have made some observations and would like to offer some suggestions." Well, he listened, but he seemed to pull away halfway through and when I pointed that out, he said "you are making me feel uncomfortable". Some of the suggestions I made, he responded that, "don't you think I"ve been trying to do that" (find a sponsor, etc)
End result, I got everything off my chest, but I'm no closer to knowing how he feels about things. If I had approached it your way, I'm sure I would be. However, he did say this morning (when I asked if he was upset with me for bringing it all up last night) "no, I'm not mad at you, I never was, because it's all my fault. If I wasn't an alcoholic and a drug addict, you would never be having these issues in the first place." So i guess it's a good thing that he's trying to take some responsibility, and it seems that he did listen to what I had to say. I just need to learn that the person may not always respond the way I want them to, and they don't have to either....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sounds like you're doing just fine, crushed. All we can do is our best, right?
Don't forget to take care of YOU in all this. Remember that no matter what choices he makes, you still have a few decades of perfectly good life on this planet to try to fill with joy, in whatever way you choose. You can have whatever kind of life you wish - you're driving this bus.
Hugs and good luck.
Don't forget to take care of YOU in all this. Remember that no matter what choices he makes, you still have a few decades of perfectly good life on this planet to try to fill with joy, in whatever way you choose. You can have whatever kind of life you wish - you're driving this bus.
Hugs and good luck.
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