brundle

I once heard that if you put a frog in a pan of water and slowly turned up the heat that the frog wouldn't jump out of the pan. He would just boil alive; never realizing that the water was getting hotter and hotter.

I've been stalking around this board for over a year never saying anything; kind of like how I never say anything to my AH. Sometimes I start to write; it's almost as if I've learned that it's just better to say nothing. Ever. I got married 7 years ago to a man who was too go to be true. I know you all know what I mean, I've read your stories that are some how my story too. This was my second marriage; he was in recovery. My second addict. I believed a man could change. That was then. I had two children, then 15 and 10. He had one child, never married and a great job. He was (is) a professional. I thought my prayers where answered. I waited 8 years between guys and other then he pushed our courtship too quick, well you all get the picture.

The emotional abuse started a month after our honeymoon but I had no idea what was going on. So started my education. With-in 6 month I may have left him had I not gotten sick with MS and bed ridden. We sold MY home, his dad died and then he really started drinking... am I talking too much? I tried to fight back but I was told I was verbally abusive and needed anger management. I felt I was loosing my mind.

7 years have gone by. He still has his job, so I guess that makes him a functioning alcoholic. His son has been in and out of reform school. Last year he beat up a teacher; very badly. My husband has distanced himself from his son. AH hates to take responsibility for anything. My children 21 and 17 are going to start going to Al-Anon with me this week due to some of their issues.

I swore I would never live this life again. My AH husband drinks to a sloppy state every night. Uses pot "a handful of times a year". And is addicted to porn. Not only do I stay, I say NOTHING!!! Mostly because I feel I'll go mad if I have to hear him lie or rationalize his behavior. Also, he acts as if he doesn't understand; I'm tired of explaining.

Recently he's started watching my 17 yr old son's girl friend in a way that makes every one including me feel "weird". I feel he's crossed a line. I've still said nothing (gosh I hate me)... but I've started looking at places this week for us to move. I've asked him to leave our large beautiful home before... he wont.

I know I HAVE to go due to this issue. But I feel like that frog; I almost feel like doing nothing. Like I've already been boiled alive. I could really use some words of wisdom. Please forgive me for sounding so... pitiful...

Thanks

Barbara52

You don't sound pitfiful at all! You are starting to take the steps needed to get out of the pot of boiling water!

You are headed in the right direction, finding another place to live. That's is fantastic! Now take the next step and actually sign a lease. It's not going to be easy and you will most likely doubt yourself even as you are doing it. BUT once you are out and you start feeling the peace that I know will come, you will KNOW you did the right thing.

baileyboop

You don't sound pitiful. You sound tired....:ghug2
Prayers to you...

Chrysalis123

I don't think you sound pitiful either. I think you sound aware! Thank you for posting. :ghug3

denny57

No. I also "stopped talking." Once I started up again, I haven't shut up (note my number of posts LOL)

The move sounds like a good idea - if only to give some distance and time for clear thinking. Take your laptop and keep posting!

Also that "weird" feeling you get when he's around the 17 year old? Listen to it.

((( )))

veryrestless722

wow i like that frog saying!

you say that you just never say nothing, well really whats the point it never changes anything, i said plenty and nothing changed, you may have the better idea

i think it would be a good idea to move out, but thats a decison you have to make on your own

and no you dont sound pitiful, most of us have stayed in bad relationships, your not alone in that :ghug3

it took me a while to post also, now i post all the time, whether anyone listens to me or not i dont know lol but it helps me to read and post and know im not alone in my situation, so just jump right in with everyone else :ghug2

felicidade

I was told the same thing and truly believed it. (It was believing it that was insanity).

You are NOT pitiful. It sounds like you are jumping out of the pan.

It is so hard and scary, but you've done it before and can do it again.

Reading your post made me highly aware of my STXRAH's attempts to show me how he's "changed."

Thank you for your post.

Freedom1990

I think that is the best analogy with the frog I have ever heard, honestly.

I clearly remember one night when my abusive EXAH had gotten psychotic after being up several days on meth and drinking whiskey.

He went off about something and was hitting stuff off the kitchen counter and battering the cabinets with the steel bar off of the dumbbell.

I was standing in the middle of the living room thinking I should be scared and I'm probably going to die, but I was just totally numb, devoid of any sense of urgency or danger or just how wrong it all was.

I had come to the point where I had completely shut down.

I hope you continue to post, and I will surely keep you and your kids in my prayers. :ghug2

brundle

I want to thank everyone! I really need all the support. I'm jumping on and off as not to get caught by the AH. Part of my not talking has to do with keeping the peace.

Denny57: I'm not ignoring my feeling. I told my son not to bring her around when my AH was home. Imagine that conversation; that's what has pushed me to finally do something.

Thanks for making me feel like I belong.

Felicidade: Your welcome. And I did go to counseling for both anger management and verbal abuse! Isn't that funny!

Freedom1990: I understand.