Where do you draw the line between enabling and being a supportive wife?
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Where do you draw the line between enabling and being a supportive wife?
Right now my AH is withdrawing from opiates. I'm not sure if it's because he wants to get off them or if it's because money is tight and therefore he can't buy any pills.
He has told me three times in the last three days that he wants help and would like to get on suboxone or methadone. Then he asked me to call around and find him a clinic... hmmmm. I don't feel like it is my place to do this. I mean if he wants help that bad he should be doing the calling and setting up an appointment, right? In his defense he has been working from about 7 AM till way past 5 pm but still, if he was getting drugs he would have found a way to call around to get those right? I found him several clinics and wrote down the numbers but thats as far as I'm going to go. I think that if I do anything further, I would be enabling him because it's something that he is capable of doing for himself. I mean I actually think I have done to much already.
I'm trying to look at his actions and not his words. He is saying he wants help, which I guess is progress on his part because last week he was telling me that he was not using. But his actions are still not of someone who is serious about getting help.
He woke up in the middle of the night with dry heaves, I guess because of the withdrawels. I layed there a minute and thought to myself, should I do anything? If I do anything to help him would it be enabling him? But the wife in me knew he had to get up for work in a few hours so I got him a wet wash rag to put on the base of his neck and some medicine for the nausea and went back to bed.
So I guess my question is this, where do you draw the line between being an enabler and just being a wife?
He has told me three times in the last three days that he wants help and would like to get on suboxone or methadone. Then he asked me to call around and find him a clinic... hmmmm. I don't feel like it is my place to do this. I mean if he wants help that bad he should be doing the calling and setting up an appointment, right? In his defense he has been working from about 7 AM till way past 5 pm but still, if he was getting drugs he would have found a way to call around to get those right? I found him several clinics and wrote down the numbers but thats as far as I'm going to go. I think that if I do anything further, I would be enabling him because it's something that he is capable of doing for himself. I mean I actually think I have done to much already.
I'm trying to look at his actions and not his words. He is saying he wants help, which I guess is progress on his part because last week he was telling me that he was not using. But his actions are still not of someone who is serious about getting help.
He woke up in the middle of the night with dry heaves, I guess because of the withdrawels. I layed there a minute and thought to myself, should I do anything? If I do anything to help him would it be enabling him? But the wife in me knew he had to get up for work in a few hours so I got him a wet wash rag to put on the base of his neck and some medicine for the nausea and went back to bed.
So I guess my question is this, where do you draw the line between being an enabler and just being a wife?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: girard il
Posts: 23
Do you really think he's going to go to work sick?
Hi I am an opiate addict and let me tell you there is no way myself or any other opiate addict I know could ever go to work if they were really sick. If I was sick at night I would have to use the next morning to be able to function. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Anyway I am in a methadone program now and I wish I would have just went to a detox. 'cause now I'm just dependant on the methadone it doesn't get me high but if I don't have it I get sick. And like you said if he can get the drugs he can get help.
But if you getting him the appointment for the center or making the calls for him gets him started in recovery then it would be well worth it as long as he is serious. I wish you the best! STEF
Hi I am an opiate addict and let me tell you there is no way myself or any other opiate addict I know could ever go to work if they were really sick. If I was sick at night I would have to use the next morning to be able to function. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Anyway I am in a methadone program now and I wish I would have just went to a detox. 'cause now I'm just dependant on the methadone it doesn't get me high but if I don't have it I get sick. And like you said if he can get the drugs he can get help.
But if you getting him the appointment for the center or making the calls for him gets him started in recovery then it would be well worth it as long as he is serious. I wish you the best! STEF
Women Do Recover!
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: So Cal/SE TX
Posts: 210
I Agree, he gets the pills or fix so he can dial the number if he wanted.
But yes, I wish there was a great answer for that.
What I do think is there is a VERY fine line between being that supportive wife and a just plain doormat. I guess the answer is if you keep doing the same thing over and over again to try and help him then your past being a support and moved on to assisting him in killing himself.
Good luck!
But yes,
Where do you draw the line between enabling and being a supportive wife?
What I do think is there is a VERY fine line between being that supportive wife and a just plain doormat. I guess the answer is if you keep doing the same thing over and over again to try and help him then your past being a support and moved on to assisting him in killing himself.
Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Jerect)))))
It is sometimes a fine line, but I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. I found that I did what I felt comfortable with and what I was ready to handle at the time. For example, I wasn't ready to ask my daughter to leave the house...I just couldn't do it and I did not want to "threaten" something I could not follow up on. So I established other boundaries to take care of myself and to stay safe, until I was able to say, if you are not working recovery you need to live somewhere else.
I agree that making the final calls is something he needs to do. In many places, due to privacy laws, etc. we don't even have the choice - the person seeking treatment must call (that was a big help to me...I couldn't do it for her so I wasn't even tempted
)
One thing that helps me in deciding if I was acting supportive or not was to look at how I felt and what my motivation was. Did I do it to in some way try to control using? Did I feel resentful or angry or like a vicitm if I took some action? If so, I didn't feel I was acting from a position of support.
Sending hugs. I know this is so tough and I think you are doing a great job of trying to focus on your own recovery and let him take care of his.
It is sometimes a fine line, but I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. I found that I did what I felt comfortable with and what I was ready to handle at the time. For example, I wasn't ready to ask my daughter to leave the house...I just couldn't do it and I did not want to "threaten" something I could not follow up on. So I established other boundaries to take care of myself and to stay safe, until I was able to say, if you are not working recovery you need to live somewhere else.
I agree that making the final calls is something he needs to do. In many places, due to privacy laws, etc. we don't even have the choice - the person seeking treatment must call (that was a big help to me...I couldn't do it for her so I wasn't even tempted
) One thing that helps me in deciding if I was acting supportive or not was to look at how I felt and what my motivation was. Did I do it to in some way try to control using? Did I feel resentful or angry or like a vicitm if I took some action? If so, I didn't feel I was acting from a position of support.
Sending hugs. I know this is so tough and I think you are doing a great job of trying to focus on your own recovery and let him take care of his.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi jerect,
ahhh this is the eternal question... I have wondered the same thing many many times and i have been both supportive and enabler.
i believe that from a lot of people's view i've been a very very BIG enabler, i've been as far as to keep heroin for him and to give it the next day (well i won't go into the details of the why here as it's not the point but it shows that sometimes you just make choices and, whatever the word to describe your action is, it's just a word and well- too bad- you did it anyway...)
In any case, i agree with the "call": it has to come from him. I've done same as you before: research on rehab and give him the list of numbers. But the actual step to call them and make appointement is a HUGE step and should be from him, most importantly to prove to himself that he is ready.
Take care
Carine
ahhh this is the eternal question... I have wondered the same thing many many times and i have been both supportive and enabler.
i believe that from a lot of people's view i've been a very very BIG enabler, i've been as far as to keep heroin for him and to give it the next day (well i won't go into the details of the why here as it's not the point but it shows that sometimes you just make choices and, whatever the word to describe your action is, it's just a word and well- too bad- you did it anyway...)
In any case, i agree with the "call": it has to come from him. I've done same as you before: research on rehab and give him the list of numbers. But the actual step to call them and make appointement is a HUGE step and should be from him, most importantly to prove to himself that he is ready.
Take care
Carine
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jerect)))
I agree that making the calls should be on him. Yes, he works long hours, but when we truly want recovery, we can be just as determined to get help as we were determined to get the drugs.
As far as him being sick, I probably would have done the same thing you did. I hate to see someone suffering, but when it's their own fault, I know MY attitude comes through. My stepmom has IBS, but will eat things she shouldn't and then get sick. I will do what little I can, which is listen to her complain, and I feel bad, but I remind her that she's a grownup and that being sick is a consequence of eating things she knows she shouldn't (I'm big on consequences these days )
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree that making the calls should be on him. Yes, he works long hours, but when we truly want recovery, we can be just as determined to get help as we were determined to get the drugs.
As far as him being sick, I probably would have done the same thing you did. I hate to see someone suffering, but when it's their own fault, I know MY attitude comes through. My stepmom has IBS, but will eat things she shouldn't and then get sick. I will do what little I can, which is listen to her complain, and I feel bad, but I remind her that she's a grownup and that being sick is a consequence of eating things she knows she shouldn't (I'm big on consequences these days
)Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I try to follow logic instead of my heart with such a question. I have tried to help so, so many times that at this time, doing the smallest thing would arise so many emotions. What I try, or at least tried to do was tell him to go to an NA meeting, get a sponsor and let them handle it.
In a way I felt as though it was a way of showing him, "You see what this is doing to me? I am so tired of this that I don't even want to help you anymore, because you are only going to let me down... again."
Through time I have just learned to let go (I'm not married so it may be easier for me then you to do this.) My AB is in prison right now. I wrote him a letter last night, but I don't even feel like sending it today. I mailed him a Bible (He is Catholic) and the Quran (I am Muslim). I figure he can take what he want from that, and handle his own issues with his higher power.
To sum it up, my line is moving so there is more space for me. There was not an equal space, it was next to my toes and he had all the room to move around. Now I am moving it so there is an equal space for both of us.
In a way I felt as though it was a way of showing him, "You see what this is doing to me? I am so tired of this that I don't even want to help you anymore, because you are only going to let me down... again."
Through time I have just learned to let go (I'm not married so it may be easier for me then you to do this.) My AB is in prison right now. I wrote him a letter last night, but I don't even feel like sending it today. I mailed him a Bible (He is Catholic) and the Quran (I am Muslim). I figure he can take what he want from that, and handle his own issues with his higher power.
To sum it up, my line is moving so there is more space for me. There was not an equal space, it was next to my toes and he had all the room to move around. Now I am moving it so there is an equal space for both of us.
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