wearymama

Although all of the posts I have read break my heart, it is somewhat comforting to realize that I am NOT all alone in my suffering. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if the recovery/relapse cycle will every end for my husband. Just when I start to trust him again and truly believe that he is sober, here we go again! We had five wonderful years, but the past seven have me wondering when enough is enough. He has never been violent or verbally abusive, and has continued to be an attentive, involved husband and father - at least on the surface. Underneath is this constantly lying, beg/borrow/stealing, and conniving person that I don't even recognize. I had hoped that losing a job and a brush with jail time would be enough to keep him resolved to stay clean. It did, for a while, but then he fell, and hard and it has just kept getting worse since then. He's in jail now, and likely bound for rehab afterwards. I just feel so sad, lonely, and confused. I still love him, but I don't want our kids to grow up in the same kind of messed up home I did. He doesn't deny that he is an addict, nor does he deny that he needs help or refuse to accept it. Nothing ever seems to help for long. He's never been to an inpatient treatment center before, though. I'm afraid to hope. Does it ever get easier? Will it always be this hard? Where is the man I fell in love with and where is my kids' Daddy? Sorry for the long post, I just don't have anyone to talk to - his family prefers to pretend that everything's ok, and mine would prefer that I left him.

hope213

welcome to s.r. i am sorry that your husband is an addict. it is tough to walk the road with an addict. my son is mine & no matter how much we love them they have to fall & fall hard to want to get any better. my son too is in jail & that is the way it is. he is on his way to prison for a very long time. i hope your husband will hit his bottom quick. there is nothing you can do or say to keep him clean.he has got to want to do it for himself, not for you or the kids.right now he is safe, he is not using, he is not lying to you. he is just where his h.p. wants him. do not bail him out. this is not your fault.
you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it.
keep coming back. there is alot of support here & we all are just like you. we love an addict.prayers for your husband, kids & you.

mooselips

((wearymama))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have someone to talk to now, you're not alone anymore.


I'm not sure if it will ever get easier for you, or the children. It only became easier for me when my 2 addict sons were not allowed to live at home anymore. THEN, it became alot easier..

While he's incarcerated to may want to re-evaluate your life, what do you want from this relationship? Where would you like to be in your life in 5 years? And like you've already said, the children are growing up in a dyfunctional setting.

Do you attend Alanon, or Naranon?

Hugs....

AquaBlue

Welcome wearymama!

I'm new myself and while my addict is my 21 yr. old son, I can still relate to your sadness, lonliness and confusion... I'm slowly learning that I need to take care of myself as I can't cure my son! The 3 C's: " I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it."

I'm sorry that you don't have support from either side of the family. Have you thought about going to al-anon meetings? I'm going to start going again myself. Initally I went to a fantastic therapist that helped me tremendously. I do think it's very important that you get some kind of help for yourself and the kids. Bless your heart, you have a lot to deal with.

Lastly, I personally won't ever give up hope-ever. But, I have majorly lowered my expectations when it comes to my AS.

Hugs & Prayers for you, Wearymama.

Impurrfect

(((Wearymama)))

Welcome to SR! As Moose said, you're not alone any more. There are lots of wonderful people here going through similar situations.

I'm a recovering addict, and I can only say that I had to face some bad consequences to even think about recovery. Jail was one of them. Knowing that I couldn't come home, if I was still using, was another.

We have to hit bottom and for each of us it's different. There's no cure for addiction, but we A's (addicts) can find recovery and lead good lives. However, we have to want it really, really bad and put the effort into it.

I hope you can use this time, while he's away, to really think about what you want for you and your kids in life.

Another thing, I personally don't believe much an addict says...I go by their ACTIONS. My XABF is currently in jail, and full of talk about wanting to get help, get clean, etc. I have heard this from him every time he was in jail, and he's never DONE anything but go back out and get high. When I chose recovery, I didn't make a lot of promises, I just did what a responsible person does (got a job, paid bills, was accountable) and eventually got the trust back from my family.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

wearymama

Thank you. I would like to attend meetings, but there is no Naranon group within 100 miles of me and the only local Alanon group meets just twice a week - after my babies' bed times! It's incredibly frustrating, but I am grateful to have found SR!

Hubby asked me NOT to bail him out, which was perfect, since I couldn't have anyway. Really in a tough situation because I left my job after 1st child was born and we've been depending on his income.

funkzter

Hi wearymama,

Welcome
i too am in love with an (heroin)addict. I've been with him for 8 years+ and it's also been pretty unstable, that's the least i can say...Clean for some time then relapse then clean then relapse then methadone then clean then relapse etc etc etc.... It's just so hard cos everytime i believe he wants to stay clean so badly. And i'm like "why can't it then??!!" I've learnt that it's unfortunately not that easy
My bf is now in inpatient rehab and it's been 4 months. Fortunately i'm the bread winner so at least i don't have to worry about $. Maybe you could try to see if you could get a job to gain independance? It'll be one thing less to worry?
I also have a baby girl, she is 5 months old, and it's tough & lonely to raise her alone.
Anyway, i think it's good your husband didn't want you to bail him out and hopefully he'll try the inpatient rehab. However hard and long it'll be, in the long run it might be worth it.
take care
Carine

greeteachday

Welcome - glad you found us and that you are thinking about yourself and your kids. It's a shame that there aren't any meetings available when you can attend. I know it may sound a little scary, but Naranon and Alanon websites do have literature and information about starting a meeting. I'll bet there are other young moms in your shoes who could use someone to talk with. In the meantime, keep reading and posting here - I find it so helpful to speak with people who understand.