Breakthrough
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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Breakthrough
So I've been positively pounding these boards, reading my brains out, sharing at meetings, working with a sponsor, yadda yadda blah blah
Last night I had a light bulb go on
Years ago, when I was a practicing alcoholic, and I would be hung over every day, and my GF would "punish" me, she called it "making me take responsibility for my actions", but it was punishment and I remember how angry that used to make me feel. I truly know the difference between "taking responsibility" and "being punished", her being angry was a consequence of my drinking, I have no problem recognizing that and seeing that for what that is, and being OK with that, I am just noting it because it has a bearing on my revelation.
Anyway, I was responding to a post last night where the OP asked for advice to "get him to take responsibility" for drinking and it brought up all those old feelings.
So i started thinking about that, about control, control issues etc.
The last few years, what has made me absolutely batshyte crazy, is I couldn't get those around me to "see my point of view" and "take responsibility for their actions and the impact it had on me".
I didn't count drinks, I didn't even CARE when my mother or XAGF drank, so in many ways I couldn't see my part, I couldn't understand why I was SO F'd up, or what to do about it.
Seems a simple thing to ask for right? Accountability......that's all I wanted.
Well, I realize when I was saying "I just need to get them to see my point of view" it was NO different in terms of control then "How do I get him to take responsibility for his drinking"
It seemed what I was asking for wasn't too much right? everyone has a right to be heard, to be respected, etc. etc.
I understood this:
but I didn't understand why/how I ended up so "wound" up
Like when I broke up with my XAGF, I didn't miss her even a little bit, but I obsessed for DAYS about her not seeing how her actions had impact on me, how "because she ______ I reacted with ______"
Well last night I "got it" trying to get someone to "see my point of view" is no different then trying to make someone "take responsibility" for their drinking.
If they get it, they get it, if they don't, it's not my job to make them see "the error of their ways"
State my truth then move on, if they get it, far out, if they keep repeating the behavior, make a decision on how to take care of myself.
One of the things my xagf did was lie to me on a regular basis, so my friends were asking me "Andrew, you need to ask yourself if it's OK for yourself to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you" there was no judgement about her or me, just, is this behavior acceptable to you, if you can learn to live with it, great, if not, what can you do to protect yourself" not "How can I get her to see how her lying to me impacts me" but "can I accept this behavior?" and not "how can get her to see when she disappears it makes me afraid" but "how can I take care of myself when she disappears?"
Anyway, I hope this makes sense, I literally couldn't understand why I was so ...tied in knots around all of this, I could see other peoples "control issues" and "boundary issues" but I just couldn't understand mine, because they seemed like such reasonable requests.
Anyhow, hope this made sense.
Last night I had a light bulb go on
Years ago, when I was a practicing alcoholic, and I would be hung over every day, and my GF would "punish" me, she called it "making me take responsibility for my actions", but it was punishment and I remember how angry that used to make me feel. I truly know the difference between "taking responsibility" and "being punished", her being angry was a consequence of my drinking, I have no problem recognizing that and seeing that for what that is, and being OK with that, I am just noting it because it has a bearing on my revelation.
Anyway, I was responding to a post last night where the OP asked for advice to "get him to take responsibility" for drinking and it brought up all those old feelings.
So i started thinking about that, about control, control issues etc.
The last few years, what has made me absolutely batshyte crazy, is I couldn't get those around me to "see my point of view" and "take responsibility for their actions and the impact it had on me".
I didn't count drinks, I didn't even CARE when my mother or XAGF drank, so in many ways I couldn't see my part, I couldn't understand why I was SO F'd up, or what to do about it.
Seems a simple thing to ask for right? Accountability......that's all I wanted.
Well, I realize when I was saying "I just need to get them to see my point of view" it was NO different in terms of control then "How do I get him to take responsibility for his drinking"
It seemed what I was asking for wasn't too much right? everyone has a right to be heard, to be respected, etc. etc.
I understood this:
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.
Like when I broke up with my XAGF, I didn't miss her even a little bit, but I obsessed for DAYS about her not seeing how her actions had impact on me, how "because she ______ I reacted with ______"
Well last night I "got it" trying to get someone to "see my point of view" is no different then trying to make someone "take responsibility" for their drinking.
If they get it, they get it, if they don't, it's not my job to make them see "the error of their ways"
State my truth then move on, if they get it, far out, if they keep repeating the behavior, make a decision on how to take care of myself.
One of the things my xagf did was lie to me on a regular basis, so my friends were asking me "Andrew, you need to ask yourself if it's OK for yourself to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you" there was no judgement about her or me, just, is this behavior acceptable to you, if you can learn to live with it, great, if not, what can you do to protect yourself" not "How can I get her to see how her lying to me impacts me" but "can I accept this behavior?" and not "how can get her to see when she disappears it makes me afraid" but "how can I take care of myself when she disappears?"
Anyway, I hope this makes sense, I literally couldn't understand why I was so ...tied in knots around all of this, I could see other peoples "control issues" and "boundary issues" but I just couldn't understand mine, because they seemed like such reasonable requests.
Anyhow, hope this made sense.
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Makes perfect sense, and it reminded me of something I read on here a long time ago that prompted a similar AHA for me. Now I'm going to search through the archives and see if I can find it and bump it up. Look for a post by "Bayouself."
L
L
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Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Ago 
Anyway, I hope this makes sense, I literally couldn't understand why I was so ...tied in knots around all of this, I could see other peoples "control issues" and "boundary issues" but I just couldn't understand mine, because they seemed like such reasonable requests.
Yield beautiful changes
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Originally Posted by Ago
I could see other peoples "control issues" and "boundary issues" but I just couldn't understand mine, because they seemed like such reasonable requests.
All of my requests seemed so reasonable -
And they were - to me.
We all (even alcoholics) have very good reasons for doing what we do. We do what we do because, in some way, it meets our needs.
Keeping this in mind helped me to see that while I had good reasons for him to stop drinking, I couldn't expect him to understand those reasons. He had his own reasons for continuing, and I certainly wasn't very willing to understand those.
-TC
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hehe
here's basically my personal philosophy, when i'm not being a complete wack I mean
here's basically my personal philosophy, when i'm not being a complete wack I mean
Now, what am I going to do about it?” When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.
For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today—especially my own life, as it actually is. Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.
For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today—especially my own life, as it actually is. Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by AmpHusky
What does OP and AHA stand for?
original poster (the person who started the thread)
aHA a ha aha
hmmm, the noise Inspector clousou makes when he figures out who the murderer is?
it's like haha but without the first H, aHA it means a revelation
I get it, aHA
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