EndOfPinkCloud

I feel as if my heart has been breaking on a daily basis. When does it end? I thought that after making the major decision to end my marriage of 14 years that the heart break part would lessen, if not go away.

It's so difficult because in order to end my marriage and get started on my own, I have to totally and completely change my life: return to my home country, have my stuff shipped back (after dividing up the stuff!), find a place to live, find a job, and enroll my 3 year old daughter into a new pre school, not to mention also catering to the needs of an energetic Labrador dog, all the while figuring out how to file for divorce. It it so overwhelming, today I can barely move. I have done well the past few weeks in going through the motions of life, but today I am just a wreck. I am so angry today, my blood is boiling and it's like I want to push people out of my way on the street. In fact, I think this is the most angry I have been about my entire situation in a long time. And I hate myself because I can't be fully present with my daughter with everything that is going on. I am so pitiful, so many times I think it would be much, much "easier" for me to stay in this marriage, as my life would not have to change.


But then I have to remind myself that staying in a marriage that is void of any emotional security, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy will slowly drive me more insane than it already has. According to the AH, he's a nice guy, he's no longer drinking, and we have fun together, so things haven't been that bad (gee, no denial there!). I notice more and more through journaling and reading that my heart break isn't all directed at walking away from my AH. In fact maybe very little heart break is directed at him. I think my heart breaks more to have to walk away from the life I have now that I love so much and that I have worked really hard to build here. And my heart breaks because I still wanted to have just one more child, to give my daughter a sibling. Leaving my marriage means that isn't going to happen, as I'm nearly 40 already. That by itself is a HUGE heart break. My heart breaks because I am grieving the image that I must give up as to what my live was supposed to be and what it should have been. And now I know I must embrace a new reality, which has not yet even evolved or been defined, which causes even further heart break.


I truly envy the people whose postings I have read that say something to the effect of "I should just go live with my parents, they would support me". I wish I had that option. I have put off every day making a phone call to my mother telling her what I am planning to do. She will just absolutely sh** herself. My family's reaction to this entire situation is probably an entire other posting because they have absolutely no idea that my husband is an alcoholic. Living abroad has unfortunately allowed me to hide whatever I have wanted to hide.


I thank all the people that responded to my previous posting. Unfortunately I feel as if I just don't have the energy to do much responding yet, but I am slowly getting there. In other words, I promise to evolve from my parasitic stage very soon!! And I am reading alot on this forum. At my last Al-Anon meeting I heard some words that really helped. A guy said, "I've survived having lived my life with an alcoholic. That means I can handle anything else that comes my way." I am trying to keep this in mind, especially on a day like today when I'm a blubbering mess and my heart is cracked.


Please send me your thoughts on how you have handled the daily heart break. Thank you.

AmpHusky

Sorry you are going through this endofpinkcloud. You will get there, and each day a little less will break. I find it to be hard because I didn't end the relationship because I didn't love her. I ended it because I hated the addiction and the person I was around that addiction.

Pajarito

(((Endofpinkcloud))) You are struggling with what I am struggling with- the loss of a dream. And it's a sweet dream- isn't it? To be married to a wonderful guy, to have the house we dreamed of, to have the kids, friends, etc. There's nothing wrong with that dream- and we can have it, but maybe not in the way we thought we could. I wanted children, but I have one- and she is the light of my life. Who knows- maybe I'll meet a guy with his own kids, and I'll become a "mom" to them. There are other ways to have kids- and I just have to remember that. It's hard though- this is NOT how I pictured my life.

And it's scary- WHAT is my life going to be now? All I know is what I have today. Still- it's hard. What helps me is remembering I have just today- or I will become overwhelmed. Every night I go to bed and think about all the good things I accomplished, and in the morning before I get up I think about what I want to do just for today. My heart feels broken too, but I have been told many times that time will help, and I do believe it. I feel stronger today than I did a year ago when STBXAH left. I am sorry you are going through this, but I think you can make your life easier by breaking it down into smaller bits. Journaling helped me, reaching out to friends, counseling and reading. . .

I just read a great book on getting through difficult times called "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser. It's about waking up instead of burying your head in the sand or not learning from difficult times. It helped me to think about my humanness and how I need to be compassionate with myself. That's one thing I hope to get out of this- a healthy, peaceful, compassionate life. Living with STBXAH was NOT healthy. I didn't like who I was becoming. Now I have the opportunity to "find" myself again and learn some things about myself now- what I want, who I want to spend my time with.

Be compassionate with yourself. This is hard stuff. Your dd will be ok- I have said it many times- dd will be ok if I'm ok- the same is true for you. Take care of yourself and take small steps. I'm glad you posted again. ((()))

denny57

One day at a time, one thing at a time.

I made a list and promised myself to TRY and do one A WEEK. Sometimes I got lucky and accomplished more than one a week. In two months I had most of it done. I think what really overwhelmed me was the idea I had to GET IT ALL DONE NOW- that is what living with alcoholism had taught me - to jump through hoops.

Good luck!!!

veryrestless722

i wish i knew how to handle the daily heartbreak, my husband left me in april, i was two months pregnant, i went nuts when i realized he wouldnt come home, i almost did something very stupid because i just couldnt handle the pain of going through this again (this is the third time hes left) and with a baby, i knew i either had to get an abortion to be able to keep my place to live and be able to pay the bills, and that in itself would have been a struggle, or i could keep the baby (which i did) and lose everything i owned and have to move in with someone else

i now live with my parents, i tried living with a friend, then my sister and those were horrible situations so now im with my parents and it doesnt make it any easier , it does money wise and having somewhere to live and help with my baby when he gets here, but i live with the heartbreak of it everyday, i lost my dream

i was the type who waited until i thought everything was good before i would try to have a baby, i had seen too many teenage pregnancies around me and the mother going through the pregnancy alone, and i was like no way in hell is that gonna be me, i want a mother and father in my baby's life, like i had, i want my own little family, but i got none of that, i have the help of my family but im going through this alone because my husband should be here with me, but hes livign with another woman and could care less what happens to me, because i left him at work (his excuse for leaving)

i live with the image of him and that other woman everyday, i know when i go to deliver my baby, he wont be there, i know one day my son will come ask me why he doesnt have a father or why his father didnt want him, so i know my heartbreak isnt over yet, the only thing that has helped is time, its been 6 months since he left, ive seen him a couple times since then but it was too hard so ive cut all contact with him , it makes it easier, so far most days i do ok, and maybe in another 6 months ill be even better who knows

i know how you feel though, i hate losing everything and starting over, thats why i went back to him so many times, it was comfortable and took away the unknown, but it was always a struggle, and at least now i dont have someone yelling at me all the time, so basically all you can do is take it one day at a time and you'll see one day that it doesnt hurt quite as bad as it once did

Silverberry1331

Give it time. (((hugs))). I know how you feel. I am there right now. You have had years together and a certain life that you lived. It is going to take time and adjusting. You are going through the grief cycle. There is going to be anger, tears, frustration. Be gentle will yourself.

I know. I have said and felt the exact same way. Growth manifests itself in change. Sometimes we feel like it would be better to be back in that place, but the problem is that we know too much now...have grown so much...even if we were able to go back, it would never be the same. I feel the anger also. Don't hate yourself. Please be gentle. You are doing the best you can right now.

Remember step one...you have no control...go to the HP. What does this say? This says that you have absolutely no idea what life holds for you! Okay, so you are nearly 40, so what?...that is okay. The HP has incredible things in store for you, and you just never know. So don't write off the possibility of that wonderful new life and even that child you may want to have. It ain't over until it is over...and you just don't know....Breathe...let it go and let God.

Yeah..me too sometimes. My mother can hardly afford herself, and my father, well he has the money, but would never ever do that...Actually, few people have that option. I think they are blessed to have that, but on the other hand, aren't we blessed? You are self sufficient. Your daughter and yourself are clothed, feed, sheltered, and loved (and the puppy too!) You are able to command your life in that sense! You need not live under another person's roof or by their rules...it is all about you and your child...also, hiding alcoholism from the outside world is common. That is a part of the family disease. An outlet to discuss those, whether it be al ANON, a friend, or a journal would help...In Al Anon, they say, you are only as sick as your secrets...air them out in a safe place.


Goodness! I could have written this statement! DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR FEELINGS!!!! You don't have to promise anything to anyone. You need support right now! It is our Codie nature to apologize for being human and needing support. We are the superpeople who take care of everything right? This is a part of our disease of co-dependence. This is what the forum is here for! Everytime I would start a thread, I would have the same thing in mind, but this is what the forum is here for! We are all here to gain support and learn and grow. You are NOT in a parasitic stage. You are a strong, beautiful woman who is confronting a challenging situation, and would like some support from her friends. (((HUGS!)))

Sometimes, all that I want is for someone to tell me that I am loved and everything is going to be all right....so from Silverberry to Pink...I love ya! And everything is going to be all right.


:ghug

TooMuch4TooLong

Gradually you will let go of the dream and see it for what it really is, a chance for you to grow and change and as you heal you will dream a new dream and you will be strong enough to make it your reality. Peace.

Jadmack25

I am seriously looking at having to let go of the hopes and dreams I have hung on to thru 18 years of alco hell. At my age, in my 60's, I should be happy and contented instead of miserable and lonely. Time to take stock and clear out the useless and unwanted bits and start over. Thank you for the inspiration to to it.