Aysha

I dont know what it is. But I have been struggling in my head again.
I have been having using dreams every night for the past 2 weeks. They didnt bother me until last night.
Today ..I am sitting here at 4am literaly keeping myself hostage.
I started having urges at work earlier. Shaking. Shortness of breath. Racing heart. Feeling sick. I havent felt like this since last time I was out there.

I am obsessing and it is driiving me crazy.

I almost said F it a couple times but caught myself.

I cant go back again. If I go back out there. I wont come back. I am done with this ****.

I am hanging on so tight right now it isnt even funny.
I have the want creepin in and thats not good at all.
I caught myself thinking I want to throw a huge 20 on a pipe and take it to the head. For no reason.

I keep staring at the phone..pacing around..cant get comfortable.

Lord please let me make it through the rest of this night.

No offense..But please dont tell me to get to a meeting. Not going to happen.

I just needed to get it out. I havent struggled at all this round of recovery.
I knew it was too good to be true. But I cant give in. I wont give in.
I wish this **** would stop.

Aysha

I need to add that it didnt help that out of nowhere after almost 4 mos. 2 people that dont even know each other from the neighborhood hit my cell this past week.

What are the chances of that? AM I being tested here?

stone

It will pass soon Trish.

It might be different for you but I find eating something helps me.

Tell yourself...no way...if you let yourself argue it back and forth it makes it hard. Try to accept you just aint gonna and it will pass more quickly.

Aysha

I just looked at your avatar and it made me laugh..My mind was not in the right place for that one.

I have been eating all day. My stomach is going to pop.
Good idea..debating it makes the chances slim of beating it. Your right and I agree.
Debating makes it seem like it is possible. I need to make it impossible. I am shivering right now. I feel like a freak. Clenching my jaw. This is bad today.

Bamboozle

Hey, chiy...I don't know what the crap is going on...these past two weeks have been bad for me...I've been really close to relapsing nearly every night. I feel like I'm hanging on and blowing in the wind. I'm obsessing about drinking now...I could, it's in the house...but it doesn't belong to me. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping this passes soon. I can handle this crap for a few days in a row, but not weeks in a row.

stone

LOL, sorry bout the avatar!

It WILL pass and you will be SO happy you didn't.

Aysha

Didnt bother me stone...Just thought it was funny and ironic is all. No harm.

We can make it Bam...I am B****ing now. But I am pretty confident I will make it. But it is dam uncomfortable. And getting it out really helps me alot. If I just sit here and battle myself alone. I am screwed.

Cant really tell the grams. She is useless. She will say some dum **** like you better have my money and make sure your a$$ is back heer to leave later. Sad but true.
Not that she is ok with it. But she gave up trying to stop me a long time ago.

Wont tell anyone else in my family. Everyone will be on red alert and it really isnt that big of a deal right now.

I know why even complain if I pretty much think I am not going to go. Well..I am not 100% But I am 99.99999% I wont.

I never post whe I feel like this and thats probably why I always end up goin. So if you guys dont mind. I am just going to chat away for now. If anything it will keep me occupied.

stone

I don't usually post when I feel like that either but I did the other day and it really helped me...I got through it. Usually I just say nothing and disappear. So, keep posting if it helps.

I changed my avatar anyway.

Aysha

AWW you didnt have to do that.

Yea thats me..Just disappear. I have only been on here one time while using and high and that was torture. Thanks to one person on this forum (brother ;o))that stuck with me the whole time I was buggin out. I felt like such an idiot coming here high.

Trying to talk recovery while I am hitting my pipe. So ashamed.

Those days are over. Yes thats right ..OVER!!
Take that AV!! Wowo.that was a fast 45 mins.
This place is awesome. I will be ok.
We are going out of town today for my grams bday. Cant screw this up.

Dee74

I think we're always tested Trish. It's a constant factor. I think you get used to it tho.

It comes down to what we want more - and hell I know what you want more.

It's like Stoney says - don't dialogue with it - you know what you want - don't give it the time of day.

Some days are harder than others - but you just have to play the tape through as they say - been there done that - nothing there for me.

hugs
D

Bamboozle

I used to sleep a lot when I couldn't drink...now I can't do that because I'm not sleeping well...If it wasn't for me posting and PMing, especially this last week, I'm positive I'd have been boozing it up. Thank you everyone.

stone

Glad it is passing Trish.

Bam, if it was me I would throw the drink out, I wouldn't care who it belonged to!

Mattcake

Chi. Despite the circumstances, it's so cool that you are actively reaching out.

Hmmm... No real advice here.. Just what works for me when I get cravings. I just don't think too much nor focus on them; instead, I picture my hellish experience with addiction, look at it in the eye and say: no f*cking way! I am NOT going back to nailing myself to a cross. And allow it to slide.

What are you feeling right now? Beneath the cravings themselves? Is there anything about this day in particular that might be getting to you? *cough*

Aysha

TY Bam..I think you are a great contributor here as well. We are going to make it.

I have a headache now from clenching my teeth.

It is starting to go away a little. I am still a little bouncy. Leg hopping around. But thats fine. Beats freakin out high runnin around crazy in the **** city that is the spot.
The city I go to when I am being stupid is called Schenectady. It means End of the road in native Indian. How true that is.

Aysha

Not really..I dont think.. You know I am sure like alot of people..Just the simple fact of doing good can trigger someone. Hell..I have done good so long..ONE TIME wont hurt. I guess I would fall under that category right now.

Bamboozle

stone... . Can't tick off the owners (of the house, that is). I have nowhere else to go. Viewing it as NOT my property is still working. At least it is completly out of sight.

Aysha

I think I am going to curl up with my Bobble baby and watch some tv. Got a long day ahead. 2 hr drive and dinner tonight. Thanks you guys. I love you guys. I can honestly say that everyone here has saved my life more than once.
Have a good night all. Its a wrap. No way am I going.

Bamboozle

Chiy...I keep telling myself I can do it one time...but the last time I did that I couldn't stop for two months.

Bamboozle

Good night.

Mattcake

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee74

It comes down to what we want more - and hell I know what you want more.

AGREED D Desire is so much stronger than plain old willpower. Willpower is just a vicious cycling struggle... Desire is a roadmap. No need for detours Chi