How did it come to this?
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
How did it come to this?
This is very hard for me. I am a very private person but I need some support right now. I have my meeting today with my counselor and I know I want to talk to him about this but I'm afraid of what he will do.
I'm so ashamed. Everything with my addict boyfriend was going well. He was going to meetings and taking his meds like he was supposed to.
I saw him after work tuesday and he seemed good. An hour later I saw him at the bar so I called him. He got a new phone and he didn't have all his contacts so he asked me if I had someones number. One of his drug dealers. He tried to tell me a story and I started crying and told him "Please don't lie to me". He got so angry....he hung up on me. And then he texted me and said, "Don't you dare come here, I will be so mad." That hurt so much to feel his anger. I dropped my daughter of at his moms house. I texted him and he said you've said enough for tonight, leave me alone. I asked if he loved me and he said no. I sat outside of the bar....crying and thinking about how angry he was and how this was never going to change and how all I wanted was "him" and realizing I could never have it. I was so scared....so low....I knew no matter what, it was over.....he was so angry that he may try and kill himself. I would've made him do that.
I know I need to talk about this, I know I need to get it out but it hurts and I feel so much guilt and shame.
I slit my wrist. I texted him before I got too bad and told him I was sorry and that I was dead without him. I got out of my car and started walking. All I wanted was a place where I could be alone, where I could die alone. I was walking towards the woods near my apartment. He called me....several times. I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text and said "u call me now or never call me again". I called. I couldn't talk very good. I was shaking and crying....I couldn't breathe. I was scared. I just wanted it to be over. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
He asked where I was. I told him I was walking. I was talking to him and he pulled up behind me and made me get in. He didn't see for almost a half hour what I had done. It was dark and the shirt I was wearing was dark so you couldn't see the blood. That hurt him a lot. I didn't want to hurt him....I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel the worry everyday of whether he's going to leave me here or not. I don't think he is repairable and that hurts so much.
Now that it is done, I feel so much more hurt...that I would do something like this. Not just think about it but cut myself. I'm trying my best to hide it with long shirts...I don't want people to see. I wasn't planning on having to explain it to anyone. Everytime I look at it, it haunts me. And what haunts me even more is that I'm even capable of doing something like this and that I know I haven't hit bottom yet.
I am scared. I just want this to be over. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm no good to my beautiful little girl. She deserves the mom that I used to be. She doesn't deserve this.
I don't know what to do.
Lost
I'm so ashamed. Everything with my addict boyfriend was going well. He was going to meetings and taking his meds like he was supposed to.
I saw him after work tuesday and he seemed good. An hour later I saw him at the bar so I called him. He got a new phone and he didn't have all his contacts so he asked me if I had someones number. One of his drug dealers. He tried to tell me a story and I started crying and told him "Please don't lie to me". He got so angry....he hung up on me. And then he texted me and said, "Don't you dare come here, I will be so mad." That hurt so much to feel his anger. I dropped my daughter of at his moms house. I texted him and he said you've said enough for tonight, leave me alone. I asked if he loved me and he said no. I sat outside of the bar....crying and thinking about how angry he was and how this was never going to change and how all I wanted was "him" and realizing I could never have it. I was so scared....so low....I knew no matter what, it was over.....he was so angry that he may try and kill himself. I would've made him do that.
I know I need to talk about this, I know I need to get it out but it hurts and I feel so much guilt and shame.
I slit my wrist. I texted him before I got too bad and told him I was sorry and that I was dead without him. I got out of my car and started walking. All I wanted was a place where I could be alone, where I could die alone. I was walking towards the woods near my apartment. He called me....several times. I didn't answer. Then he sent me a text and said "u call me now or never call me again". I called. I couldn't talk very good. I was shaking and crying....I couldn't breathe. I was scared. I just wanted it to be over. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
He asked where I was. I told him I was walking. I was talking to him and he pulled up behind me and made me get in. He didn't see for almost a half hour what I had done. It was dark and the shirt I was wearing was dark so you couldn't see the blood. That hurt him a lot. I didn't want to hurt him....I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel the worry everyday of whether he's going to leave me here or not. I don't think he is repairable and that hurts so much.
Now that it is done, I feel so much more hurt...that I would do something like this. Not just think about it but cut myself. I'm trying my best to hide it with long shirts...I don't want people to see. I wasn't planning on having to explain it to anyone. Everytime I look at it, it haunts me. And what haunts me even more is that I'm even capable of doing something like this and that I know I haven't hit bottom yet.
I am scared. I just want this to be over. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm no good to my beautiful little girl. She deserves the mom that I used to be. She doesn't deserve this.
I don't know what to do.
Lost
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Honey, Nobody is worth hurting yourself for. He is a grown man, he should be abel to take care of himself. Your daughter is a little girl and she needs you. Talk to your counselor and tell him everything. You need to see that noone is worth hurting yourself for.
If your daughter deserves the mom you used to be, get help for yourself, and be that mom again. Don't allow how your boyfriend feels about you at any given moment sway you. He seems to change if you don't do what he wants...........that is manipulation of the highest degee. Love is patient and kind it is NOT supposed to hurt.
If this relationship with your boyfriend is causing you so much pain, you end it, don't give your personal power to him, thats why you feel so lost, because you are letting how he feels about you affect your self worth.
Make sure you get to see your counselor & tell them everything.
Love & HUGH Hugs,
Diane
PM Me anytime.
If your daughter deserves the mom you used to be, get help for yourself, and be that mom again. Don't allow how your boyfriend feels about you at any given moment sway you. He seems to change if you don't do what he wants...........that is manipulation of the highest degee. Love is patient and kind it is NOT supposed to hurt.
If this relationship with your boyfriend is causing you so much pain, you end it, don't give your personal power to him, thats why you feel so lost, because you are letting how he feels about you affect your self worth.
Make sure you get to see your counselor & tell them everything.
Love & HUGH Hugs,
Diane
PM Me anytime.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
having lost a person I loved to suicide I want you to know there is NOTHING in this world that is worth your life Nothing and NOONE!!! Even if it doesnt feel like it right now, and you think that you cant get thru this YOU CAN
is there someone close that you can call? I think that its great that you came here and told us but you need someone close by to help you right now..............
heres the number for a hotline in Maine----Statewide Hotline Referral#
1-888-568-1112
your not alone, the despair you feel is something many of us here on SR have felt at one time or another~~~~
You will be in my thoughts and prayers
is there someone close that you can call? I think that its great that you came here and told us but you need someone close by to help you right now..............
heres the number for a hotline in Maine----Statewide Hotline Referral#
1-888-568-1112
your not alone, the despair you feel is something many of us here on SR have felt at one time or another~~~~
You will be in my thoughts and prayers
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
I asked him if he was saying that he didn't love me. and then I asked him if he loved me. the "no" was that he wasn't saying he didn't love me but the messages crossed. He told me that when you love someone, you can't "turn it off". He said even if I hurt him in any way, he would still love me....nothing would make that go away. For the first time ever he apologized to me. I could see the pain in his eyes. He kept looking at my wrist and saying how much that hurts him and how he doesn't like that I did that. I told him how it felt when he got so angry with me and how the text message sounded. He kept saying he was sorry that him being angry affected me that way. Said he was not going anywhere, not to worry. But I know better. I feel his pain. I see his pain. That whole night was a disaster - to numb the pain, he ended up buying coke powder! He has NEVER done that. He said it was a waste of money....it didn't do anything. Then yesterday he felt so guilty for doing it. It was just a horrible night. Now I will remember it for the rest of my life. I will see the scars on my arm everyday. It hurts when I look at it....to think that I could have left my daughter here without a mother. That really hurts a lot. I love her so much...I know she deserves the real me and I am trying but this force is so strong.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((findingserenity)))))))
It seems like you need more help than you are getting right now. Maybe you need to go to a doctor or emergency room and tell them how you are feeling.
I am praying for your safety and your health. Please get more help dear one.
It seems like you need more help than you are getting right now. Maybe you need to go to a doctor or emergency room and tell them how you are feeling.
I am praying for your safety and your health. Please get more help dear one.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((fndngserenity)))
Big hugs to you..sweetie YOU and YOUR daughter are worth SO much more than all this chaos. Please see your counselor A.S.A.P. or go to the E.R.
A friend of mine, a long time ago, had a husband who told her one night that he NEVER loved her, and was in love with someone else. She was married to him for 20 years.
She broke a vase and tried to her herself. Her husband had her hospitalized for a manatory 72 hours. I called her, and I asked her how she was feeling. She said, I wasn't trying to hurt ME, I was trying to hurt him, so he would feel sorry for me, and not leave me, and the children.
I'm not saying this is your case.
But NO man is worth us hurting ourselves.
Please post and tell us if you've talked with someone, or gone to the E.R.
Hugs, and prayers sweetie...
for you and your daughter...
Big hugs to you..sweetie YOU and YOUR daughter are worth SO much more than all this chaos. Please see your counselor A.S.A.P. or go to the E.R.
A friend of mine, a long time ago, had a husband who told her one night that he NEVER loved her, and was in love with someone else. She was married to him for 20 years.
She broke a vase and tried to her herself. Her husband had her hospitalized for a manatory 72 hours. I called her, and I asked her how she was feeling. She said, I wasn't trying to hurt ME, I was trying to hurt him, so he would feel sorry for me, and not leave me, and the children.
I'm not saying this is your case.
But NO man is worth us hurting ourselves.
Please post and tell us if you've talked with someone, or gone to the E.R.
Hugs, and prayers sweetie...
for you and your daughter...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
sweetie, I've been where you are, I really have. It's only by divine intervention that I'm still alive.
You have GOT to get some more help for you...tell your counselor everything. You also need to get the heck away from him. I didn't just try the suicide thing once, I did it 3 times....all over a man I thought I couldn't live with and, now, I wonder what I ever saw in him? Yeah, he was great when he wanted to be, but the bad times far outweighed the good and I was too wrapped up in it to see it.
Can your daughter stay with your mom for a few days? You need some serious immediate care and you need to focus on YOU.
It really doesn't matter whether he loves your or not. He's making your life miserable, you cut your wrists over him, and he's not worth it.
PLEASE get some help....today!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You have GOT to get some more help for you...tell your counselor everything. You also need to get the heck away from him. I didn't just try the suicide thing once, I did it 3 times....all over a man I thought I couldn't live with and, now, I wonder what I ever saw in him? Yeah, he was great when he wanted to be, but the bad times far outweighed the good and I was too wrapped up in it to see it.
Can your daughter stay with your mom for a few days? You need some serious immediate care and you need to focus on YOU.
It really doesn't matter whether he loves your or not. He's making your life miserable, you cut your wrists over him, and he's not worth it.
PLEASE get some help....today!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i feel so sad for you that you are hurting like this. he is not worth you. please tell counselor everything. nothing he does is your fault. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it.(his addition). there is nothing you can do to help him but you can help yourself. please let us know how you are. you have your whole life ahead of you. let him go, he is not good for you or your daughter. big hugs to you & prayers for you & your daughter & your b.f. we r here for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm so glad you came here and told us. That's a sad cry for help honey. If I was there right now I'd help but I'm not so you'll have to help yourself. Tell your therapist. And let us know how you are doing and what steps you are going to take to save yourself from yourself, ok?
(((hugs)))
Please don't forget that YOUR DAUGHTER needs you more than that man. She's far more important then some adult who refuses to take care of himself. She needs you. She's worth it.
Hang in there.
Hey. If you want help right away, call this number:
1-800-273-TALK.
Totally anonymous and they will guide you on what to do when you feel you can't go on, OK?!
(((hugs)))
Please don't forget that YOUR DAUGHTER needs you more than that man. She's far more important then some adult who refuses to take care of himself. She needs you. She's worth it.
Hang in there.
Hey. If you want help right away, call this number:
1-800-273-TALK.
Totally anonymous and they will guide you on what to do when you feel you can't go on, OK?!
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Thank you everyone. I did go to my counselor yesterday and when he saw my wrist and I told him what happened, he brought me to the hospital. I know it was the best thing to do. I am afraid I am going to lose my job now though. But I cannot worry about that. They put me on a low dose of lexapro to see if that helps. The entire time I was there I couldn't stop crying and there were a bunch of crazy people all around me, fights breaking out....hello, this is Lewiston Maine, not the bronx. I didn't feel safe there. I told them I couldn't sleep there. They were okay with me leaving as long as I stay with someone and see my counselor. I'm going at ten with my Mom to an appointment.
It was very hard to tell my family what happened. I felt so much guilt and shame. It still hurts that I had the power to do something like that to myself. I am going to be getting help as often as I can get it. I need this. I almost left my baby girl here without a Mom. Having a mom who needs a little help is better than having no Mom. It really hurt to hear my mom say it would have killed her to have to tell her granddaughter she didn't have a Mother anymore.
I've hurt so many people. Which makes me hurt more but I know it will pass in time.
Thank you all for everything. I'm not going anywhere....except to get help. Thank you all for your hugs and prayers, I feel them.
Love,
Heather
It was very hard to tell my family what happened. I felt so much guilt and shame. It still hurts that I had the power to do something like that to myself. I am going to be getting help as often as I can get it. I need this. I almost left my baby girl here without a Mom. Having a mom who needs a little help is better than having no Mom. It really hurt to hear my mom say it would have killed her to have to tell her granddaughter she didn't have a Mother anymore.
I've hurt so many people. Which makes me hurt more but I know it will pass in time.
Thank you all for everything. I'm not going anywhere....except to get help. Thank you all for your hugs and prayers, I feel them.
Love,
Heather
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
I'm so glad to hear you're reaching out for help. That little girl needs her mommy and I'm just happy to hear everyone is there for you and they all know the pain you're going through. It will get better now that you know you're not alone. You need to spend this time on you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Heather))
I'm so glad you are getting help. I know you don't believe it now, but once you learn how to focus on you and your daughter, and stop believing you're nothing without a man, you will find so much more joy in life. I promise.
Please keep us posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm so glad you are getting help. I know you don't believe it now, but once you learn how to focus on you and your daughter, and stop believing you're nothing without a man, you will find so much more joy in life. I promise.
Please keep us posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I just saw this thread and am so happy you are getting the help you need. Your little daughter would have a hard time growing up without her own mom...stay safe and check in periodically. And honey~~~keep up the counseling. This guy has hurt your self confidence and you need to regain that..Hugs, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Oh, dear dear girl, this entire post has brought tears to my eyes, I feel so sorry for what this disease has done to you. I am sure your mom will help you thru this but if not please follow thru on your own, YOU are VERY important to you daughter, YOU are VERY important to this family on SR and YOU are VERY important to God. Now you need to learn to be important to yourself too. Find meetings, find books, find anything that will help you thru this.
I agree with those above, rethink the situation with ABF, nobody is worth losing your life for.
Love of your daughter will get you thru this, Keep her foremost in your thoughts and push the ABF to 3rd place in you mind.
Hugs and Prayers,
Barb
I agree with those above, rethink the situation with ABF, nobody is worth losing your life for.
Love of your daughter will get you thru this, Keep her foremost in your thoughts and push the ABF to 3rd place in you mind.
Hugs and Prayers,
Barb
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Reading this post brings tears to my eyes too. I keep saying that everything is perfect between us, that we were meant to be.....and sometimes, it really feels like that. But lastnight was the first time I saw him since I had gone into the hospital. On the phone he told me he wasn't going anywhere and that he would always be there for me like I have been for him. Hmmm....When I got there, he didn't touch me once, nor today. He kept his distance from me. And I thought, Okay, he has a cold and probably doesn't feel like snuggling except for the fact that he held his dog most of the night. HIS DOG!! I was hurting so bad from what I was going through and he WAS NOT there for me. I hurt so much inside and as I laid there I really thought about that. How if this was so right, then why was I laying there hurting like that? Why was I allowing myself to feel this way? My anxiety has seemed to of worsened since starting the lexapro. I think it is because of everything that has happened and the wonder if I am going to lose my job. I'm trying to look at it this way....even if I lost my job...I still have me and I still have my daughter.
I am going to try and pull away now. I have to do it slowly but I need to regain myself. I've lost too much already and I don't want to lose anymore. I thank God everyday for all of my friends and family here on SR....without you all I don't know where I would be right now.
I will keep you all updated. Thank you so much for all of your posts and prayers, they mean more than you will ever know.
Hugs,
Heather
I am going to try and pull away now. I have to do it slowly but I need to regain myself. I've lost too much already and I don't want to lose anymore. I thank God everyday for all of my friends and family here on SR....without you all I don't know where I would be right now.
I will keep you all updated. Thank you so much for all of your posts and prayers, they mean more than you will ever know.
Hugs,
Heather
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Heather, please continue the counseling and getting help for this. Right now you are sick, but there is hope and there is help and your daughter needs y0ou to get well.
No person should have this kind of power over anyone. It's not healthy for you or for him.
Please take care of yourself and focus on getting well, you are so worth it.
Hugs
No person should have this kind of power over anyone. It's not healthy for you or for him.
Please take care of yourself and focus on getting well, you are so worth it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Heather, I see hope in your screen name....fndngserenity......you can find that serenity. Like others have said, please take care of yourself and focus on you for awhile. You are worthy and a long beautiful life is still in your future, you just need to reach for it, take it for yourself. You can do it, just take it one day at a time and take care of you. You mentioned earlier about feeling guilt and shame because of what you did. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, you are not the first person to have done something like that, so please forgive yourself. I will be thinking about you...
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
You remind me of myself with an icy look into my near future if I would follow mine to his hometown...I am so into "him" and now realize my baby girl comes first thankyou so much for your words they have made me feel that we are sisters in this and I am praying for you, your baby loves her mommy so much and you are her world THAT is all that matters right now, you may not be ready to leave but you need to think about your baby girl...boy I should listen to my own advice...chilling how similar we are...I bet you are strong and take on everything too living like a single mom in your own family...I know you are strong you just have to believe that all you need is to be healthy and happy and that little girl will grow up in your image and not the timid scared one that is portrayed by these addicts affect on us....my love and care is out and sent straight to you , hang in there you can do it...God bless you and give you courage to do what you know is right...you may be codependent and the actions you took were a result of that and I don't think you are in a place to judge yourself harshly you need love and unconditional support and we are all here to give you that...write anytime and I will do my best to be there for you...you can make it through this and maybe he will snap out of it but even if he doesn't you have to care for yourself and your little one right now...God Bless
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