fndngserenity

Hi everyone. Today was a real eye opener for me. I had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks today but it made me realize how out of control my life has become. Lots of things have popped in my head today. Like how I gave everything I had to him....I mean, literally everything I had. I didn't save anything for myself. I know he has never asked me for anything....I just gave and kept giving until I was robbed of everything. I feel that hole now. I keep confusing this feeling but I know now....I'm lonely because I haven't given MYSELF the love that I need.
What an eye opener.....I have so much to think about. Backing off is one of them. I'm one of those very giving people (and when he is normal, so is he) but.....I can't be patient forever. I'm hurting so much inside because of this and my Mother made a good point today.
I am a VERY honest person, that is part of my foundation. But by keeping inside the way he is hurting me just so I don't push him over the edge or hurt him is killing me. I'm going agains something I believe so strongly in just so I don't hurt someone else. I need to be more caring to myself. I seem to have no problem making sure I don't hurt other people....well, what about me? It's okay to keep hurting myself? NO!
I'm becoming more aware of things that are helping me in my decision to back off from this situation a bit.
I picked up my daughter today....I had a lot of tears. It felt so good to hold her and see her beautiful face and sweet smile. She was so happy to see me. My ex-husband said she has been really upset. She knows something isn't right. She's smart. I know she's only five but she knows her Mommy hasn't been herself. We had a good night tonight. It was nice.
Well, I'm going to try and get some rest. Thank you all so much for your posts....all your words and insight help me so much. God bless all of you

Finally starting to see the light.......

Hugs!!

Heather