Reddmax

Okay, so the SD sees that I've been packing boxes. She asks me questions, and I try to lie, but she sees right through it. So I tell her what happened this last weekend.

She confronts her mother, who then confronts me.

Any advice?

Redd

hadenoughnow

Tell her mother to mind her own business, if the A can keep drinking then you can keep packing.

TTOSBT

Very well said hadenoughnow!

I am the recovering drunk wife, so I am not sure I can offer too much advice on how to deal with us. The boxes alone would have sent ME to treatment. What exactly did she have to say when she confronted you? I guess it does not matter unless she was sober. Any chance of that?

Reddmax

She was sober, and she got furious with me. Basically she said if you want to leave then leave.

Considering what my lawyer said (I need time to create the documents), I think I need to grovel a bit. My AW has no interest in anything but keeping control

Redd

Barbara52

Make those documents your #1 priority. Take a day or 2 off work and get it done!

denny57

Keep packing.

AmpHusky

What does SD stand for?

TTOSBT

SD= sober daughter
Wow, she sounds like a piece of work.
Yup, I would keep packing....

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Hi Redd,

I've been reading your posts and they have given me a lot of perspective..being the exAW.

You aren't doing AW any favors. You have to let her reach her bottom. Please do whatever it is to give yourself some peace and let her fall at her own rate. I know from your posts that this is gut-wrenching for you. I hope that you find that peace soon.

Respectfully,

Karen

prodigal

What documents do you need time to create? Can't your attorney help you with this? You need to "grovel" in order to create documents? At this point, it seems to me that your need to buy time by groveling would appear that your AW's interest in keeping control are being maintained.

What good would groveling or kissing up to your AW accomplish? She goes off on your with little or no provocation on your part. I am just trying to understand what sort of time you are buying. You are living with a volatile drunk.

Redd, NOBODY has control of this situation, particularly your AW. Control by whomever, getting one's ducks in a row, buying time, groveling .... this is denial on both sides. Getting out of a marital situation with a drunk was not easy for me, it wasn't pretty, and it got downright ugly at times.

Bottom line: regardless of the mess, I got the heck out and things improved for me.

Lilyflower

Redd, when I read the word 'grovel' it immediately makes me think that you feel you need to do this to keep the peace. However you are keeping the peace for who exactly? She argues with you for any reason anyway - she is an alcoholic and that is what they do! If you grovel, you will stil get hell. You set yourself up to be ridiculed and put down.

You still seem to be in denial about this, you are typing words, and I hear you saying you have had enough and want out, but to be honest, I don't feel nor see that this is truely what you want.

IMHO you don't want to go, you are going through the motions of going, but your heart is not in this. If it were, you would know that there is no need to grovel - you have done nothing wrong!!! You have had months to create documents - you haven't gotten down to it. You have spent all your time complaining about her and doing nothing. You want her to change. You are dragging your feet over this because you are hoping she will click on that light bulb in her head and change her actions.

If you truely want this Redd you gotta make your words and actions comply, just like a recovering A. If you want to stay that's alright too, begin to learn ways to handle your stress and find a way to detach so you can live in peace. Do one or the other, but always - BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. Get in touch with how you really feel about all this, because right now, and after reading your posts for so long, I truely don't believe that you know what you want.

This is meant with all the best intentions Redd, I hope you don't take offense.

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reddmax

I should have been more clear. The attorney has to have time to create the plea,and orders required by the filing. Groveling was my depression getting the worst of me. I just need to avoid confrontations until I file, mainly because of the instability of my partner.

Redd

Barbara52

Why is it you have to remain living with your AW while the papers are being prepared?

Reddmax

Mainly financial,

Whatever she does before filing becaomes part of joint debt or property. Also, since she has anger issues, I'm trying to keep her from destroying things until I have a order to conserve assets in place.

I know my progress is slow toward my own recovery. It's weird, in that I can confront people that I don't have an emotional attachment to. Its just people that I care about I can't confront. I also have problems with maintaining "righteous" anger. This confrontation is going to hurt, and hurt badly because its rejection. It didn't work.

I also made a bet with my roommate to be. Since the AW is very sick today, she'll be nice because she needs me. Tomorrow, she'll feel better, and drink more. Saturday and Sunday she'll be at full bore, she'll go nuts on me, and I'll leave. This time permanently.

Redd

respektingme

Yay!!!!! You're leaving!!!!! I haven't been here for several days. Been busy doing projects around the house. Saw your weekly update and expected more of the same. Knew she would have been drinking and knew you would have recently been through more hell. But this time you've really made your plan. You have a future roommate?? That's terrific! You have a plan to get out. You have contacted an attorney. You are taking action. The light is at the end of the tunnel and it's getting closer. I can't wait to hear what happens after you get out of that place. You're going to have so much peace!! Imagine getting to enjoy a weekend. Ahhh, you'll have serenity and it will have been a long time coming. Can't wait to hear about it. I wish she would have quit. And perhaps she may still quit. But until she's committed to changing something, yay for you for getting there.

prodigal

You cannot keep her from trashing the house if she so desires, unless you physically restrain her. I don't think that would be a particularly good idea, since she might decide to call the police and say you were physically abusing her.

If you don't want her to destroy things, put them in storage. Heck, if she's as drunk as you say she is, she won't miss the stuff or care anyway.

This is just an excuse for you to stay. Take what you need. Take what you value. Quit dancing to her tune. If you have valuable family heirlooms, get them out of the house now. If she's gonna kick a hole in the t.v. set try to burn the sofa, call the cops.

Either you are gonna be ruled by your fears or you are gonna act in spite of your fears. The ball is in your court, NOT her's.

prodigal

Although you care about your AW, she doesn't give a good cahoot about you. Unless she wants to use you. Her focus is booze. Why do you have problems with "righteous" anger? Righteous anger is NOT anger; it is setting boundaries, refusing to be bullied, and making a stand. What your AW demonstrates is unrighteous, self-serving anger.

I also do not understand the rejection you are talking about. She rejected you in favor of the booze when she decided her addiction took precedent over you and your marriage.

Generally, our relationships with unhealthy people don't work out.