loner1968

Hi,
I usually post on the friends and family members board. I have been reading here and want to know how people can survive "mental health" issues. I have had depression, anxiety and ptsd for as long as I can remember. Of course it was not diagnosed early on. I also have rotten discs in my back and a roaring case of fibromyalgia. So basically I am a walking billboard for all of the "diseases" that people don't believe are real. especially if they don't have them. Sometimes...I don't really believe they are real. I go back and forth with it. So here is my dilemma:

I hate when I have to tell people I am on disability. I hate when I have to explain to people why I look like I am going to barf from the pain. I Hate when people ask me "whats wrong?" when they have known me forever. I hate that I can't keep up with life and that sometimes I can't move for days. I HATE my part time, dead end job that just keeps me more stuck than not working. I worry that people think I am lazy, irresponsible, or just stupid. BUT....I realize that if I can't accept my own issues then how will others? I grew up being taught that if you didnt hurt yourself at your job, like you didnt come home everyday half dead, that it wasn't important and you were a slug. My last boyfriend acted the same. As if he would want his woman to bust her a$$ everyday. Always told me my job was not important etc...so I have to deal with this stupid belief.

I'm just sick of it all. doctors, appointments, pain, forgetting things, explaining, telling new shrinks and therapists my story over and over again and it doesn't help me. Meds that don't work, doctors that act like THEY don't even believe me, that stupid useless PAIN SCALE with the faces on it. "yes I feel like that last one" "no you dont, that's impossible" OK jerk then you tell me how I feel" My shrink is always 15-20 minutes late for OUR appointment and then looks at his watch every 10 seconds. LAst time I was there he did this and when I walked to my car he was already at his!!!! NICE!

I'm supposed to have a counselor, was told to wait for her to call me. She never did. Then I was told she was waiting for me to call her. SO I called her. Left a message, still no call. What are people supposed to do??? How can I NOT feel like my life is a complete waste of time? I've had enough. Always going through this. Seeing my friends who are also "sick" go through this. What's the point? I can't even seem to hold down a part time job and forget ever saving for the future or anything at all. People say do something to change it. Like what? Like I haven't tried and done everything I am supposed to do? Doctors passing me off as "untreatable". disability deciding my part time job makes me gainfuly employed when I live below poverty level. I have been living like this for years and I can't imagine this being the rest of my life.

I really don't see a way out of this and it makes me more depressed.

WLDKATZ

ONE SECOND AT A TIME SOMETIMES!!!!!


Best of luck!
Pamm

historyteach

loner,
What do you have to be grateful for?
Do start a gratitude journal. It's important to rmember, especially in our darkest days, that there is some good in the world. Reach deep; don't think big; even the smallest of things that bring us joy count.

So, name one thing for which you are grateful....
And then, add on to it each day.
Soon, you'll have a book to refer to when you're down in the dumps,
and that book can lift you up again!

Shalom!

nandm

Well worth repeating.

Thanks Teach, once again you put my thoughts into better words than I could have said.

Isaiah

It just comes one day at a time. I've said for years that I don't know how I'm making it through but it just happens.

Freedom1990

I put off filing for disability for far too long, continued to work jobs that aggravated my degenerative disc disease, racked up over 7 grand in medical bills (and that was with health insurance), and tomorrow I finally have my disability hearing.

I completely understand all the feelings you are having, and I sank into such a deep depression late last year that I was thinking suicidal thoughts every day.

I have been in therapy since then, see a psychiatrist regularly for medication evaluations, and asked Vocational Rehabilitation to help me come up with a plan for advancing myself in life.

Today I am enrolled in college full-time, all my classes are online so that I can be comfortable at home with my orthopedic cushion and ergonomic computer chair. I will graduate with a degree that will allow me to work in an environment that doesn't have me on my feet all day, which is how I ended up with all those medical bills in the first place.

For the first time in years I have hope and don't feel trapped. I don't want to be on disability forever, and I am working towards becoming self-sufficient by finishing my college education.

I encourage you to reach out to other resources for help, including Vocational Rehabilitation.

I feel your pain and despair! :ghug3

justanothrdrunk

Gots the alcoholism, drug addiction, being treated for depression and anxiety, and I have syringomyelia (cyst in my spine).

I have no advice, but you're not alone.

loner1968

Thanks for the replies. I was mostly just venting. The pain gets so bad I could do some damage if I don't do something else so thanks for reading and responding.

Freedom: Those are great ideas and i appreciate them but I have already been there. I went to college and got help from VESID. I got a BA in science and work part time as a naturalist. A very cool job...if you're a college student who needs a part time job. I have been there now 6 years and can't make any more $ due to being on disability. I could never find another job anywhere with my health.

Now I am being sued for the student loans that have doubled since I graduated. I can't afford the low,low monthly payments. Have used all my forbearance and all that other junk I'm not considered 100% totally disabled because i can walk so there is no way to get out from under the student debt.

My entire disability check goes right to the credit card counseling so I Iive off the money from the job. Its not much but its something. The credit card debt is of course my fault. That's what I lived off after the drunk boyfriend decided he found someone with more of everything.

I do ok i guess. I just would like to have something new that's mine sometimes. not used or broken or patched together. I'm good at that stuff but ya know what i mean? I'm thankful for things of course but sometimes...when the pain is so bad that I don't want to go to bed because its gonna hurt worse when I wake up...I lose all sight of being grateful. I know people have worse problems. I am getting to the point where I can't fight it anymore. Its taking over and Its kicking my A$$!

I don't know. I never wanted to be on disability this long. I am now at the point where I need surgery but I am afraid because I have Medicaid and I KNOW from personal experience that medicaid recipients are not exactly top priority. I have a terrible fear of some doctor cutting into my back and doing things to my spine when he wasn't even interested in remembering my name or looking at my file!

I know I am not alone and that really doesn't make it better. We are all in the same delapitated boat.

jurneyman

Hey Loner, venting is a good thing, never underestimate the value of a good vent,
lately I have been using another forum to get the frustration out, I agree with freedom that there are more and more opportunities using the internet I am on SSI and it helps, but nowhere near enough if I want to keep my house and shop that I hope to get back to someday. I was doing consulting work and taking some online technology courses on
the internet before the depression started to drain all my strength and will to work, study, or accomplish anything good for myself, the procrastination is so self defeating, thatthere are days I just can't push through it anymore, but I hope that someway I will find the strength to pick up where I left off, It just seems that it is so far from where I am at today, maybe tomorrow, just hang in there, vent a little, pray if that is something that you could do, and watch and listen for some answers,you never know where they will come from.

loner1968

Well, I had my second appointment with the pain clinic today. Needless to say it was a waste of time and I left there feeling really alone and like I have nobody at all. I usually don't feel this way and I try to hold my own, fight it out etc...but these people are supposed to be there to help me and they acted like I was so unimportant.

I told the nurse about the flare-ups I get that put me down for days and make it so I can't even talk to anyone or open my eyes the pain is so bad. She asked If I ever did aqua therapy. I told her last time I tried medicaid would not pay for it. She asked me if I ever took Lyrica. I said the same thing. medicaid refused to cover it. She came back with two scripts. One for aqua therapy and one for Lyrica....told me to read the fibromyalgia pamphlet she gave me. It started when I was 18. I was diagnosed when I was 22. I am now almost 40. Thanks lady.

No wonder I am so depressed. Mybrain can't even handle simple things because its far too busy processing the huge constant amount of pain it detects. Yet I'm just supposed to go about my day as If everything is fine and shut up about it. If the docs don't care then who does?

So I left there with nothing. No ideas, no plans, no hope of ever getting this under control.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry the visit to the pain clinic was such a sham.

Go to the sticky at the top of this forum on prescription drug coverage. Lyrica is available. That's how I get my Cymbalta (through the Lilly Cares Program) free of charge because my MediKan card doesn't cover it.

sunflower1776

Loner--first of all, don't give up! Each day, each minute, each second may feel like a struggle, but you will get through it. I wanted to say one thing about the credit card consolidation--I started one of those programs, but then I looked at reality. I too have a lot of student loan debt and am currently racking up more (I'm over $100,000). Anyway, you are being sued by the student loan people so that is going to dramatically impact your credit score. When I was in this situation, I got some advice from a trusted source, and they told me to stop the credit counseling and let it all go to collection. Then, in the future once they give up, you can bargain with the collection agency to get a lower balance and then set up monthly payments. If you have great credit right now, then forget what I said, but usually if someone is using credit counseling, they don't. Just think about it--it will take some of the stress off--I know this first hand. You may have to change your phone number, though--the calls are non-stop! hehe Good luck!