THE TRUTH is........ (from an addict)
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THE TRUTH is........ (from an addict)
I found this last night...... It's as if my guy is saying it to me - and he actually has - in so many words!
Dear Family/Friends/Loved Ones,
I am a drug abuser. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.
Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.
I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.
Love,
Your "User"
Dear Family/Friends/Loved Ones,
I am a drug abuser. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.
Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.
I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.
Love,
Your "User"
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After reading that last night....... I prayed.... I prayed that my HP help me to just STOP! And low and behold - today - ...... ALL of *my* personal worries and concerns about my lifestyle and my own situation hit me hard. I am flooded with so much anxiety about all of the wrong things that are happening and have been happening by my own doing ..... that I'm in over load!
I'm scared to even pound out so many things that I have been avoiding.... and here I am facing it all head on..... to be quite frank..... I don't even have the energy today to put my concern in his life. If that makes sense?
My body aches thinking of all the things I have let slide on a home economic stand point and a professional / working standpoint. I have completely let myself go. I saw it happening in the throws of it - but now the consequences are brutal. It's time ..... I GET REAL with myself!
All this talking with him about what he is doing or not doing ... or what he is feeling and how I'm feeling....... all it does is make me feel better - like a quick fix. Literally.
I have been running away from reality. MY reality. The detriment of this result is HUGE!
Onward marching.............
I'm scared to even pound out so many things that I have been avoiding.... and here I am facing it all head on..... to be quite frank..... I don't even have the energy today to put my concern in his life. If that makes sense?
My body aches thinking of all the things I have let slide on a home economic stand point and a professional / working standpoint. I have completely let myself go. I saw it happening in the throws of it - but now the consequences are brutal. It's time ..... I GET REAL with myself!
All this talking with him about what he is doing or not doing ... or what he is feeling and how I'm feeling....... all it does is make me feel better - like a quick fix. Literally.
I have been running away from reality. MY reality. The detriment of this result is HUGE!
Onward marching.............
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Location: East Tawas, MI
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Abundance, Please don't be so hard on yourself. If you can give your abf chance after chance, I believe that you can give yourself the same kindness. Just take a deep breath and tackle things one at a time. You will be okay. If we could all take that message that you posted and burn it into our little brains, we would all be so much better off. I hope that you printed that out and taped it in a spot where you can read it daily. I found that helped me to keep my focus when things were rough. Hugs, Marle
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Abundance
Congratulations - you have developed the strength to see what you are now seeing. That is a HUGE accomplishment. Yes, it's big, scary and intimidating, but you wouldn't be facing it if you hadn't already done a huge amount of work on yourself to get there.
There is a thing called the paradoxical theory of change. It states that no change can be made until the person becomes fully aware of and accepts "what is". We see that with our addicts all the time - as long as they can hide from the reality, they can use.
I have been exactly where you are - I had let everything go - I put on weight, My cholesteral was off the charts, I felt terrible, my job was hanging by a thread, my marriage was a mess - all becuase I was obsessed with my niece and her drug use.
When I finally looked at my situation (the reality for me), I felt depressed - like it was a long road back to health and happiness. I started with doing things to make myself healthier and feel better physically and mentally - I started getting my sleep no matter what, I started yoga, I started eating healthy. That was in January of this year. Now I feel wonerful and although my niece is in more trouble than ever, I am able to live my normal life with joy.
So - please don't beat yourself up. I've let things slide because I kept thinking, If I just try a little harder... It takes a while to get to the place where we feel we've done everything humanly possible.
I read something in my "living your yoga" book - it said "letting go is just acknowledging that you weren't in charge anyway".
Prayers for health and healing...
ps - thanks for the first post - it was helpful to me.
Congratulations - you have developed the strength to see what you are now seeing. That is a HUGE accomplishment. Yes, it's big, scary and intimidating, but you wouldn't be facing it if you hadn't already done a huge amount of work on yourself to get there.
There is a thing called the paradoxical theory of change. It states that no change can be made until the person becomes fully aware of and accepts "what is". We see that with our addicts all the time - as long as they can hide from the reality, they can use.
I have been exactly where you are - I had let everything go - I put on weight, My cholesteral was off the charts, I felt terrible, my job was hanging by a thread, my marriage was a mess - all becuase I was obsessed with my niece and her drug use.
When I finally looked at my situation (the reality for me), I felt depressed - like it was a long road back to health and happiness. I started with doing things to make myself healthier and feel better physically and mentally - I started getting my sleep no matter what, I started yoga, I started eating healthy. That was in January of this year. Now I feel wonerful and although my niece is in more trouble than ever, I am able to live my normal life with joy.
So - please don't beat yourself up. I've let things slide because I kept thinking, If I just try a little harder... It takes a while to get to the place where we feel we've done everything humanly possible.
I read something in my "living your yoga" book - it said "letting go is just acknowledging that you weren't in charge anyway".
Prayers for health and healing...
ps - thanks for the first post - it was helpful to me.
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Posts: 1,691
Hey - this is actually a great place to be when you think about it. Thank God it is where you are and you can take the steps to do something different. This is experiencing what co-dependency is at the core - the focus we put on someone else allows us to defer all that we need to be focusing on in our own lives. The first step says it all for me "I accept that I am powerless over addiction AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE". That's when I make my list of what is unmanageable and post it where I can't sweep it under the rug. So much easier to think about someone else when my list gets so long but all that does is make things worse.
You know - I've been working at this for quite awhile now and it's always a great wake up call for me to look at it again. My life is quite unmanageable and I need to get in there and roll up my sleeves too - I'll be doing it with you. We're lucky that we know what to do and how to get off the merry go round.
Abundance, from the land of should have would have could have.....I wish that I had been strong enough to tell my addict to get sober, stay sober, work a program, and then call me after a year of that. I thought that my support would be such a help for him and that it would really give him the chance to do the "next right thing" (get sober and work a program). The stress and angst of early recovery did not do anything at all to bring us closer. Sure - there were a few pink cloud days when I felt like we were slaying all the windmills together....united towards a common goal. Basically, that was my addiction allowing me to feel some false intimacy with someone that really is only capable of having only superficial relationships. I was convinced that we were slated to be together and that our destinies were entwined.......we would each be equally saved in some amazing and movie worthy story. Oh - it's movie worthy as a precautionary tale. Not exactly the story that I dreamed of or expected. And mine is with him sober for 3 years now! No matter what happens I do understand. It's always best to prepare for the worst and then hope for the best.
Hang in there friend......you are a bright and loving woman and you will find your way through all of this.
You know - I've been working at this for quite awhile now and it's always a great wake up call for me to look at it again. My life is quite unmanageable and I need to get in there and roll up my sleeves too - I'll be doing it with you. We're lucky that we know what to do and how to get off the merry go round.
Abundance, from the land of should have would have could have.....I wish that I had been strong enough to tell my addict to get sober, stay sober, work a program, and then call me after a year of that. I thought that my support would be such a help for him and that it would really give him the chance to do the "next right thing" (get sober and work a program). The stress and angst of early recovery did not do anything at all to bring us closer. Sure - there were a few pink cloud days when I felt like we were slaying all the windmills together....united towards a common goal. Basically, that was my addiction allowing me to feel some false intimacy with someone that really is only capable of having only superficial relationships. I was convinced that we were slated to be together and that our destinies were entwined.......we would each be equally saved in some amazing and movie worthy story. Oh - it's movie worthy as a precautionary tale. Not exactly the story that I dreamed of or expected. And mine is with him sober for 3 years now! No matter what happens I do understand. It's always best to prepare for the worst and then hope for the best.
Hang in there friend......you are a bright and loving woman and you will find your way through all of this.
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PT - I'm holding it.... 
Marie - I HAVE to be hard on myself.... otherwise I become complacent. It's as though I have to add fuel to the fire inside me... how I wish all the trouble I have caused myself by losing site of my reality would just mend on it's own or with a quick fix - but the truth is that is not going to happen.
Which is why.... like PT said..... to hold onto it. THAT is what I have to do. I need a little buzzer to go off if I become side-tracked - either that or a swift kick in the A$$.
Troubledone...... I started doing hot yoga earlier this year and it was good for me... time consuming.... but SO good. From a healthy stand point - that is the way to go! What it sounds like to me is that you started looking after YOU - takes work..... doesn't it? I am depressed too... like it IS a long road back to health and happiness.... but also need to add in "wealth"..... that is where I'm hurting right now- financially. That is a tangible consequence - if you will. Which is a huge concern right now - I'm tapped. I shouldn't have spent the money that was needed for those 2 trips - but man - at the same time - for my mental state.... I DID!
WOW - what a wake up call.... like to the "gut" wake up call. My HP came through BIG TIME for me this morning...... I need to talk with him more often!
Donna - I like that you do make the list and not sweep it under the rug. That is TOTALLY what I have been doing. Too right that all it does is make it worse. I am so grateful for your ESH... it's as though you are the future me. You are an angel...
Pray that I keep this fire inside me - this reality in daily check. It's scary - but it's a down to the bones reality that I have been avoiding for far too long now.
Thank you and peace xoxoxo
Marie - I HAVE to be hard on myself.... otherwise I become complacent. It's as though I have to add fuel to the fire inside me... how I wish all the trouble I have caused myself by losing site of my reality would just mend on it's own or with a quick fix - but the truth is that is not going to happen.
Which is why.... like PT said..... to hold onto it. THAT is what I have to do. I need a little buzzer to go off if I become side-tracked - either that or a swift kick in the A$$.
Troubledone......
When I finally looked at my situation (the reality for me), I felt depressed - like it was a long road back to health and happiness. I started with doing things to make myself healthier and feel better physically and mentally - I started getting my sleep no matter what, I started yoga, I started eating healthy. That was in January of this year.
WOW - what a wake up call.... like to the "gut" wake up call. My HP came through BIG TIME for me this morning...... I need to talk with him more often!
Donna - I like that you do make the list and not sweep it under the rug. That is TOTALLY what I have been doing. Too right that all it does is make it worse. I am so grateful for your ESH... it's as though you are the future me. You are an angel...
Pray that I keep this fire inside me - this reality in daily check. It's scary - but it's a down to the bones reality that I have been avoiding for far too long now.
Thank you and peace xoxoxo
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what are YOUR fundamentals? what are the basics that YOU need to practice? how can YOU best prepare yourself for GAME time?
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(((Abs)))
Anvil's right, as usual, one step at a time. I've recently made a list of all the stuff I've been putting off...it's pretty long and overwhelming. So, I've made the decision to do one thing a day. They're not HUGE things, but I'm a big procrastinator, so putting it in writing makes me face it more than when it's just in my head and gets so lost with everything else in there.
Baby steps, sweetie. It's how I've worked my recovery from crack AND codie-ness. Each time you take a baby step, you get a little more confident that you CAN take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Anvil's right, as usual
, one step at a time. I've recently made a list of all the stuff I've been putting off...it's pretty long and overwhelming. So, I've made the decision to do one thing a day. They're not HUGE things, but I'm a big procrastinator, so putting it in writing makes me face it more than when it's just in my head and gets so lost with everything else in there.Baby steps, sweetie. It's how I've worked my recovery from crack AND codie-ness. Each time you take a baby step, you get a little more confident that you CAN take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Anvil ~ It sounds fabulous!
I am at that point... I am sick and tired of the life I am living.... I am fighting like hell - grant it - it's just been a day. I need to ignore those urges and triggers and REALLY dumb ideas too..... invest heavily in a different way of living by minding my own business.... LITERALLY! Minding to my business!
It's as though I'm a 14 year old going through puberty.... dragging my feet - thinking ::: but I don't wanna ::: ... THAT is not acceptable. FACE IT and DEAL and blinking GET ON WITH IT! Otherwise you are going to live as a homeless person! All of my luxuries that I have taken for granted WILL disappear! :::shaking head::: <--------- it's mind bending to me that I even let it get that bad! Good thing I'm not a resentful person..... and just by acknowledging it doesn't mean I will be resentful! (my fear!)
Amy - I like that you do one thing each day! Baby steps - as you say. I'm thinking like I did when I lost 50 #'s....... I exercised - ate right - and lost 1-3 pounds a week. Baby Steps!!!!!! Interestingly enough the weight I put on was due to emotional eating over a couple of years - and I had this epiphany. I had so many aches and pains..... and the doctor was getting ready to send me out for fibromyalgia and it occurred to me.... I'm just over weight! So I took Dr. Phil's challenge! hahahaha! Kept it off too! That was 3 years ago!
Fortunately - I have done this before (being responsible and all )... I'm tapping into it - that part of who I was!
I'm a capricorn... nuff said!
I am at that point... I am sick and tired of the life I am living.... I am fighting like hell - grant it - it's just been a day. I need to ignore those urges and triggers and REALLY dumb ideas too..... invest heavily in a different way of living by minding my own business.... LITERALLY! Minding to my business!
It's as though I'm a 14 year old going through puberty.... dragging my feet - thinking ::: but I don't wanna ::: ... THAT is not acceptable. FACE IT and DEAL and blinking GET ON WITH IT! Otherwise you are going to live as a homeless person! All of my luxuries that I have taken for granted WILL disappear! :::shaking head::: <--------- it's mind bending to me that I even let it get that bad! Good thing I'm not a resentful person..... and just by acknowledging it doesn't mean I will be resentful! (my fear!)
Amy - I like that you do one thing each day! Baby steps - as you say. I'm thinking like I did when I lost 50 #'s....... I exercised - ate right - and lost 1-3 pounds a week. Baby Steps!!!!!! Interestingly enough the weight I put on was due to emotional eating over a couple of years - and I had this epiphany. I had so many aches and pains..... and the doctor was getting ready to send me out for fibromyalgia and it occurred to me.... I'm just over weight! So I took Dr. Phil's challenge! hahahaha! Kept it off too! That was 3 years ago!
Fortunately - I have done this before (being responsible and all
)... I'm tapping into it - that part of who I was! I'm a capricorn... nuff said!
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NICE!!! I'm at step 5! What is cool is that the rest of the steps are a guide to help me be comfortable doing step 5! I LOVE IT! lol
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Thanks Donna (Lightseeker)
Man the Universe and my HP has been SOOO good to me today! So much gratitude. There have been many "signs" over the last 24 hours!
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Thanks Donna
(Lightseeker)Man the Universe and my HP has been SOOO good to me today! So much gratitude. There have been many "signs" over the last 24 hours!
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"If I stay in the light of what I can do to make my life better, rather than in the darkness of anger, blame and fear of the problem, my path remains lit and my world is a better place."
My dad also used to tell me the easiest thing in life is to fail. I'm a fighter - I don't like to lose - never have and most likely never will. Lately - my fight has been in the little battles of a huge war...... I am aware of the war - but my attention span is of the battles - compartmentalized thinking.
I've been doing what Amy does- making sure there is one thing that I do every day! Today - I have not done one thing productive for me - which is why I needed to bump this. It's no good talking about it (for me)...... I do better when I'm doing and not thinking.
Thanks Donna for asking
PS..... It's interesting and comforting to me that this step (#6) follows the 5th one.........
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.
I'm working out those reasons......
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I am fighting the draw to being consumed in my guy's life..... fighting the draw to live in *his* world - challenging that my life is really what it seems ..... fighting what I know and am aware of as being the truth for myself. I am fighting the temptation of going to the dark side.
The battles are mainly inner turmoil within myself. Stepping into the practical and sensible realm of letting go and believing only in myself. Not relying on empty relations that give me the "quick fix" that all really is okay. In the greater picture - it's really not ........ if things keep going the way they are going. To not get caught up in the darkness... even though I have a craving to challenge it. Challenge that I can dip my toes in without falling all the way.
I am fighting to wear that protective rain gear.... so that the rain just bubbles up and doesn't penetrate. So that I don't abandon my routine when I'm doubting my guy or getting upset with the choices (or lack thereof) that he is making! That I don't fall into his subscription of life....
Basically...... I'm fighting craving AND aversion.
The battles are mainly inner turmoil within myself. Stepping into the practical and sensible realm of letting go and believing only in myself. Not relying on empty relations that give me the "quick fix" that all really is okay. In the greater picture - it's really not ........ if things keep going the way they are going. To not get caught up in the darkness... even though I have a craving to challenge it. Challenge that I can dip my toes in without falling all the way.
I am fighting to wear that protective rain gear.... so that the rain just bubbles up and doesn't penetrate. So that I don't abandon my routine when I'm doubting my guy or getting upset with the choices (or lack thereof) that he is making! That I don't fall into his subscription of life....
Basically...... I'm fighting craving AND aversion.
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Basically...... I'm fighting craving AND aversion.
I learned that cravings would pass if I just let them and that tomorrow would be a better day as long as I stayed on the path of recovery. So I stuck with it no matter what.
I've had to use that same technique when a codependent relationship ended as well - forcing myself to focus on me instead of the other person so that I could get over it and move on to become a healthier person.
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Abundance- I really identify with you. I had completely disassociated myself from exAH's issues for years now but now that I'm back in the soup with my son in rehab facing all kinds of legal issues I'M RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED!!!
Now I am reminded why I promised myself NO MORE ALCOHOLICS!!!
Unfortunately, I neglected to make a rule against giving birth to alcoholics.
Honestly I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I am NOT the one in rehab, with no health insurance, license, car and facing jail time.
You sound like you are making OUTSTANDING progress though....good job!
Check out daveramsey.com for his ten steps for getting back on your feet financially...nothing fancy just old fashioned common sense.
Now I am reminded why I promised myself NO MORE ALCOHOLICS!!!
Unfortunately, I neglected to make a rule against giving birth to alcoholics.
Honestly I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I am NOT the one in rehab, with no health insurance, license, car and facing jail time.
You sound like you are making OUTSTANDING progress though....good job!
Check out daveramsey.com for his ten steps for getting back on your feet financially...nothing fancy just old fashioned common sense.
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