THE TRUTH is........ (from an addict)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Good stuff Anvil. It was after I started thinking about my relationship with my ex as my "drug of choice", and started applying the same recovery tools to it that I was finally able to detach and move on with my life in a healthier manner.
It's about actions. I started to wonder how in the world I could expect my ex to do the work to be a better person, when I wasn't doing the work to be better myself.
It's about actions. I started to wonder how in the world I could expect my ex to do the work to be a better person, when I wasn't doing the work to be better myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Dear Family/Friends/Loved Ones,
…”I am a drug abuser. I need help”…
I know you need help, but I can’t help you, only support you.
…”Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself”…
I think by helping buy guitars and tattoo equipment that this would keep you from doing drugs, by giving you a positive influence, and when you did the drugs, I would be so upset. That I failed. I felt when you did drugs I failed.
…“Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.”…
This is the worst thing I could have done. I was so angry, so angry and beyond words. I came out with horrible hateful words that I really don’t mean. I don’t understand that anger, because looking back I can’t believe I could say those things to someone I love. I was so hurt and so full of disappointment. I really wish I had the strength to walk away and express myself when you sobered up. I would tell myself to do this when you got high, to just keep my feelings to myself, and wait. My heartbreaks and the shattered sound are my words of hate. I wish I could have done this differently.
…”Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.”…
In a lot of ways you are a true gentleman that I always held you to your word. To not hold you to your word I would think would be insulting.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
…”I should have stuck to my guns when I asked you to go to a halfway house. I thought with my heart and not my mind and logic.”
…”Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me….”
-I am sorry I have lost my temper, I don’t know any other way
…”Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.”…
Again, I don’t know any other way. I pray God will give me strength.
…”Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it….”
You never lied to me about anything that did not pertain to drugs, I wish I had the wisdom to know the difference.
…”Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.”…
You know that never happened. You used, you were out, no if’s and’s or but’s.
…”Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.”…
I never accepted that I can’t not do this. I can not help or cure you.
…”Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.”…
I have.
…”I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.”…
I need help too. I love you.
…”I am a drug abuser. I need help”…
I know you need help, but I can’t help you, only support you.
…”Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you - and for myself”…
I think by helping buy guitars and tattoo equipment that this would keep you from doing drugs, by giving you a positive influence, and when you did the drugs, I would be so upset. That I failed. I felt when you did drugs I failed.
…“Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue whether I'm stoned or sober. It may make you feel better, but it only makes the situation worse.”…
This is the worst thing I could have done. I was so angry, so angry and beyond words. I came out with horrible hateful words that I really don’t mean. I don’t understand that anger, because looking back I can’t believe I could say those things to someone I love. I was so hurt and so full of disappointment. I really wish I had the strength to walk away and express myself when you sobered up. I would tell myself to do this when you got high, to just keep my feelings to myself, and wait. My heartbreaks and the shattered sound are my words of hate. I wish I could have done this differently.
…”Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain.”…
In a lot of ways you are a true gentleman that I always held you to your word. To not hold you to your word I would think would be insulting.
And don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
…”I should have stuck to my guns when I asked you to go to a halfway house. I thought with my heart and not my mind and logic.”
…”Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me….”
-I am sorry I have lost my temper, I don’t know any other way
…”Don't let your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.”…
Again, I don’t know any other way. I pray God will give me strength.
…”Don't believe everything I tell you. Often I don't even know the truth - let alone tell it….”
You never lied to me about anything that did not pertain to drugs, I wish I had the wisdom to know the difference.
…”Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.”…
You know that never happened. You used, you were out, no if’s and’s or but’s.
…”Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues.”…
I never accepted that I can’t not do this. I can not help or cure you.
…”Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for your own recovery. Find Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or CoDA; those groups exist to help families in just your situation.”…
I have.
…”I need help - from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from some people in a self-help program who are in recovery from a drug problem themselves - and from a Power greater than myself.”…
I need help too. I love you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Abs-you wrote....
......I am fighting the draw to being consumed in my guy's life..... fighting the draw to live in *his* world - challenging that my life is really what it seems ..... fighting what I know and am aware of as being the truth for myself. I am fighting the temptation of going to the dark side....
maybe I'm reading between the lines too much but I get the drift that you mean partaking in using substances to numb out and/or to be "there" with him. The other day you mentioned that you had used something just to get away from all the angst and join him where he was. Is this what you are talking about when you talk about the temptation of going to the dark side?
just wondering.....
......I am fighting the draw to being consumed in my guy's life..... fighting the draw to live in *his* world - challenging that my life is really what it seems ..... fighting what I know and am aware of as being the truth for myself. I am fighting the temptation of going to the dark side....
maybe I'm reading between the lines too much but I get the drift that you mean partaking in using substances to numb out and/or to be "there" with him. The other day you mentioned that you had used something just to get away from all the angst and join him where he was. Is this what you are talking about when you talk about the temptation of going to the dark side?
just wondering.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
Hello-Kitty. You nailed it. My boyfriend is a newly proclaimd addict and I wonder how me going back to him, and giving in to my weakness (him) makes me any different than him, giving in to his. We live in a world of people and great things. But we cannot enjoy anything around us until we've truly enjoy what is in us.
Abundance - You, yourself cannot carry the relationship. It's too heavy for one person to do alone. I find myself in a similar place asking myself why I want to be in a relationship where I'm doing all the work and all it does is cause me imense pain. It's because we're good people and love this addict and want to help them. But it is up to them to take care of themselves. All you can do is show them the right way and lead by example because we can't be with them every minute of the day and if they're not strong enough to stand alone then they will fall, regarless of how hard we try to be there to catch them...and they have the choice to either get up by themselves or die where they lie. Either way, it is out of our control.
Do one thing a day for yourself (yoga, walk, swim), get yourself organized and remember, above all else, to breathe...because...this too, shall pass.
Abundance - You, yourself cannot carry the relationship. It's too heavy for one person to do alone. I find myself in a similar place asking myself why I want to be in a relationship where I'm doing all the work and all it does is cause me imense pain. It's because we're good people and love this addict and want to help them. But it is up to them to take care of themselves. All you can do is show them the right way and lead by example because we can't be with them every minute of the day and if they're not strong enough to stand alone then they will fall, regarless of how hard we try to be there to catch them...and they have the choice to either get up by themselves or die where they lie. Either way, it is out of our control.
Do one thing a day for yourself (yoga, walk, swim), get yourself organized and remember, above all else, to breathe...because...this too, shall pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
No... it's not about that.... it's about escaping in general. For example, changing my plans around or not even making any - to keep him on a leash or in my presence. Sighing with relief when his van is home and / or when he comes home when he says he will, meanwhile - feeling sick in my stomach having anticipation that those things won't happen.
Dreading him to tell me that for this reason or that reason he has to go back up to the mountains - having feelings of suspicion.... basically - not trusting.
I give power to those symptoms. $%*(&#*(%
Spending time thinking.... to drug test or not to drug test. Energy spent on researching the best drug tests online for the best value..... meanwhile having a conversation in my head - "what are you going to do if it is positive? What are you going to do if he comes up with some reason to not want to take one?"
All the while - GET THIS ------ ...... things are pretty dang good. I mean he is engaging with the family - bringing in money - helping around the house - helping boys with their homework. But I also know that it's just one day at a time - and I can't count on it. Which is why I have so much anxiety. I've resigned to knowing that this is not a constant.
All this while I feel so free to be myself with him. He knows how I am feeling at all times. I express to him all of my fears... my dreams... my desires.... and he helps me. He comes through the majority of the time when I need help or am in crisis mode.
I don't need drugs to escape.... my mind and *his* addiction/cravings - acts as the host for me to escape from my reality. My stresses.
Don't get me wrong.... sometimes I think to myself - I just want to numb myself with chemicals / drink - but I don't. I have waaaaaaaay too much guilt .... don't know why - but I do. I just believe there is a time and a place to do it ..... I don't partake to cope - I see the danger in that.
The dark side for me is just feeling really heavy - checking out of my reality and into his life. His life (when not in active addiction) - is *fun*... lots of music... laughing ... odd jobs done around the house ... cuddling ... playing with the boys..... THINGS that people do when they aren't working. He doesn't work a lot of hours a week..... and obviously neither have I. I'm in vacationship mode with him..... and THAT I would have to say is VERY addicting....... and gets me NOWHERE financially. And I don't want to leave that happy place. When we are together and I know he isn't using...... I don't want to leave it - even though I know it's temporary. *this* is when I should be making hay (money)..... but instead I worry about leaving to do my job and focusing on my life because it means he'll have the freedom to go and use. (typically his mania of having *fun* is a trigger)
I'm ashamed to even admit to all of that.
However, on a good note...... The 2nd week of October, after getting back from our trip back East, I am starting a job where I'm 1099'd..... where I will have an office to go to ..... and I will be accountable to a "boss"..... and this will force me to do what is right in my job. However, it will also give him the freedom to make the decisions he needs to make for his life. It's forcing me to let go. *he too is self-employed.... and doesn't have to work very many hours for his expenses.
I just want to get back into that place where chaos surrounds me, but I make the choice whether or not to partake in that chaos - no matter how much it draws me.
I want my self - confidence and strength back.
Dreading him to tell me that for this reason or that reason he has to go back up to the mountains - having feelings of suspicion.... basically - not trusting.
I give power to those symptoms. $%*(&#*(%
Spending time thinking.... to drug test or not to drug test. Energy spent on researching the best drug tests online for the best value..... meanwhile having a conversation in my head - "what are you going to do if it is positive? What are you going to do if he comes up with some reason to not want to take one?"
All the while - GET THIS ------ ...... things are pretty dang good. I mean he is engaging with the family - bringing in money - helping around the house - helping boys with their homework. But I also know that it's just one day at a time - and I can't count on it. Which is why I have so much anxiety. I've resigned to knowing that this is not a constant.
All this while I feel so free to be myself with him. He knows how I am feeling at all times. I express to him all of my fears... my dreams... my desires.... and he helps me. He comes through the majority of the time when I need help or am in crisis mode.
I don't need drugs to escape.... my mind and *his* addiction/cravings - acts as the host for me to escape from my reality. My stresses.
Don't get me wrong.... sometimes I think to myself - I just want to numb myself with chemicals / drink - but I don't. I have waaaaaaaay too much guilt .... don't know why - but I do. I just believe there is a time and a place to do it ..... I don't partake to cope - I see the danger in that.
The dark side for me is just feeling really heavy - checking out of my reality and into his life. His life (when not in active addiction) - is *fun*... lots of music... laughing ... odd jobs done around the house ... cuddling ... playing with the boys..... THINGS that people do when they aren't working. He doesn't work a lot of hours a week..... and obviously neither have I. I'm in vacationship mode with him..... and THAT I would have to say is VERY addicting....... and gets me NOWHERE financially. And I don't want to leave that happy place. When we are together and I know he isn't using...... I don't want to leave it - even though I know it's temporary. *this* is when I should be making hay (money)..... but instead I worry about leaving to do my job and focusing on my life because it means he'll have the freedom to go and use. (typically his mania of having *fun* is a trigger)
I'm ashamed to even admit to all of that.
However, on a good note...... The 2nd week of October, after getting back from our trip back East, I am starting a job where I'm 1099'd..... where I will have an office to go to ..... and I will be accountable to a "boss"..... and this will force me to do what is right in my job. However, it will also give him the freedom to make the decisions he needs to make for his life. It's forcing me to let go. *he too is self-employed.... and doesn't have to work very many hours for his expenses.
I just want to get back into that place where chaos surrounds me, but I make the choice whether or not to partake in that chaos - no matter how much it draws me.
I want my self - confidence and strength back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Littlebird...... just to show you how much of this addiction is the same....... I relate to every single word you have said minus giving him money. Although - he has a few guitars already and I love him filling the house with music.
Anvil- thank you for that. You and Hello Kitty have given me some really good tools....... THANK YOU!!!!!
Snickers- thanks for that website. I'll check it out. I have two little boys and I pray and hope they don't turn to chemicals / drink when they are older. I'm a great teacher - believe it or not - they are learning from a very young age about how to settle cravings/aversions - via meditation and breathing work. I do it myself- but not as often as I obviously need to. I should really take my own advice.
Hope.... thank you for the prayer.
Bella..... that is great advice. I've done it before.....so I KNOW I can do it! I KNOW I CAN! So it's high time I quit knowing so damn much and start DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anvil- thank you for that. You and Hello Kitty have given me some really good tools....... THANK YOU!!!!!
Snickers- thanks for that website. I'll check it out. I have two little boys and I pray and hope they don't turn to chemicals / drink when they are older. I'm a great teacher - believe it or not - they are learning from a very young age about how to settle cravings/aversions - via meditation and breathing work. I do it myself- but not as often as I obviously need to. I should really take my own advice.
Hope.... thank you for the prayer.
Bella..... that is great advice. I've done it before.....so I KNOW I can do it! I KNOW I CAN! So it's high time I quit knowing so damn much and start DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Abs -
really glad that I misread what you have written. That's the trouble with not being face to face and just having cyber space to know one another. I really do understand all that you have written. The first year that my husband lived with me was his first year of sobriety. I lived with a huge amount of anxiety - felt the relief when his car was there, when he did the next right thing. I will tell you that the year anniversary of his sobriety really brought an easing up of all those feelings - the feelings when I would just feel it all in my guts. I gave a lot of my life over to him and his issues....I hated being consumed by it but it was almost impossible to not get consumed.
You are doing great - reaching out and wrestling with all of it.
Hugs
really glad that I misread what you have written. That's the trouble with not being face to face and just having cyber space to know one another. I really do understand all that you have written. The first year that my husband lived with me was his first year of sobriety. I lived with a huge amount of anxiety - felt the relief when his car was there, when he did the next right thing. I will tell you that the year anniversary of his sobriety really brought an easing up of all those feelings - the feelings when I would just feel it all in my guts. I gave a lot of my life over to him and his issues....I hated being consumed by it but it was almost impossible to not get consumed.
You are doing great - reaching out and wrestling with all of it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I have two little boys and I pray and hope they don't turn to chemicals / drink when they are older.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Donna.... re-reading it - I can see where you would think that. Codie's symptoms are so similar to drug addiction - which is why I can relate so much to addicts.
Anvil- thank you for that poem.... I'm going to print it out and keep it on the fridge. It spoke to me.
HK... My sons are learning a lot from him. He teaches them a lot on an academic level - he is available to them - he is interested in their world - he has taught them a lot about things that me or their father have not. Now as for drug abuse - they do not know. Even though he is in addiction mentality - currently using nitrous as a maintenance program - he still speaks recovery and spends time with them in that kind of spiritual realm.
Last night my guy came to me after doing about 3 boxes of N20...... and he is fed up. From the prior drug use - he got used to every day being different.. like the days prior were a dream. he just wants to wake up and not have these cravings. (boy do I understand).... he wants to wake up and just feel normal.... not as a drug seeker or craver.... he just wants to "snap out of it".... and not do the work. I get it. How I would like that too.... but that is not how it works. He is waiting to hear back today from the addiction specialist...
Also- my aunt arrived from the UK a couple of days ago.... she is on a mission to make my sister well. My sister has been living in homeless shelters for the past year per a nervous break down and after being on heavy drugs for about 20 years. DOC: opiates. So... my aunt who is not mentally well - feels that she can get my sister to accept recovery. I played her the voice mails that she leaves which are psychotic and sounds much like schizophrenia. She looked to her sister (my mother) and asked how my mom could let it get this bad!?! My sister is 46 years old.... as you all know- we can only do so much. My aunt knows this too - but she was in a state of shock after hearing the messages. Anyway- we 3 (my aunt, my guy, and me) are going out on a search today to find my sister - as my aunt has come all the way over to just say. "I love you"..... and maybe *something* magical will happen.
Last night the three of us were talking all about addiction and mental illness.... and my aunt does not know about my guy's addiction and she thought he was full of so much information. (which he was)...... however, during the conversation he skipped upstairs 3 times to use N20. It was a hard conversation to be had.... and he was beating himself up doing it too. He doesn't understand WHY he has to be this way. He is unable to just leave some for later..... etc etc etc.... i'm praying that this will make him realize that he needs to hit recovery HARD and that it doesn't just send him right back to a full blown relapse. I have resigned to the fact that he will - and if he doesn't I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Anywho- in about half an hour I am talking with my future boss about the job - and then we hit the streets downtown and look for my sister. This is a charitable thing I'm doing for my family over in England..... who are all just wondering what in the heck is going on with my sister. My aunt is very close with my sister- but has not been able to be in contact with her since she has gone homeless. I do worry though that this will flare up my aunt's illness- but she has many years in recovery for it and works with other mentally ill patients in her day to day life. Today - she feels grief for "reacting" as she did towards my mother- because obviously- we've all done everything we can and that the only thing we really can do is just give her the space to hit rock bottom.
I'm surrounded by this.... I've grown up with mental illness and (not me - although I do question just what is going on with me at times)... addiction/alcoholism... majority of it functioning though. This is all probably why I'm so understanding and empathetic ....... it's what I know. But I also understand that I'm in recovery for it myself (codie recovery).... and I'm in a struggle between the two. It's probably much like a drug addict using with all of the NA/AA material in their head.
Sorry for being so long winded .... I can't tell you how much I think of you all and how grateful I am for you and this forum. How much of our stories sound so similar. Even though I have been in addiction situations for the majority of my life - being in recovery does feel unique.... and I realize I'm not alone when I come here. This place isn't about feeling sorry for ourselves - but for bettering ourselves. For healing and to find strength and courage to step away from the addiction (darkness) and into the light. To write all of this down and putting it on here is extremely humbling and embarrassing... but I'm doing it anyway. Got to start by being truthful with myself!
Thank you again to you all from the bottom of my heart - for being there for me to share my stories and hanging in with me as I express all the trials and tribulations I am experiencing and have experienced. Thank you for your words... your stories of survival.... your stories in relation.... your wisdom.... you all are beautiful - kind - caring - giving - open people.
BIG love and peace ~ xoxoxo
Anvil- thank you for that poem.... I'm going to print it out and keep it on the fridge. It spoke to me.
HK... My sons are learning a lot from him. He teaches them a lot on an academic level - he is available to them - he is interested in their world - he has taught them a lot about things that me or their father have not. Now as for drug abuse - they do not know. Even though he is in addiction mentality - currently using nitrous as a maintenance program - he still speaks recovery and spends time with them in that kind of spiritual realm.
Last night my guy came to me after doing about 3 boxes of N20...... and he is fed up. From the prior drug use - he got used to every day being different.. like the days prior were a dream. he just wants to wake up and not have these cravings. (boy do I understand).... he wants to wake up and just feel normal.... not as a drug seeker or craver.... he just wants to "snap out of it".... and not do the work. I get it. How I would like that too.... but that is not how it works. He is waiting to hear back today from the addiction specialist...
Also- my aunt arrived from the UK a couple of days ago.... she is on a mission to make my sister well. My sister has been living in homeless shelters for the past year per a nervous break down and after being on heavy drugs for about 20 years. DOC: opiates. So... my aunt who is not mentally well - feels that she can get my sister to accept recovery. I played her the voice mails that she leaves which are psychotic and sounds much like schizophrenia. She looked to her sister (my mother) and asked how my mom could let it get this bad!?! My sister is 46 years old.... as you all know- we can only do so much. My aunt knows this too - but she was in a state of shock after hearing the messages. Anyway- we 3 (my aunt, my guy, and me) are going out on a search today to find my sister - as my aunt has come all the way over to just say. "I love you"..... and maybe *something* magical will happen.
Last night the three of us were talking all about addiction and mental illness.... and my aunt does not know about my guy's addiction and she thought he was full of so much information. (which he was)...... however, during the conversation he skipped upstairs 3 times to use N20. It was a hard conversation to be had.... and he was beating himself up doing it too. He doesn't understand WHY he has to be this way. He is unable to just leave some for later..... etc etc etc.... i'm praying that this will make him realize that he needs to hit recovery HARD and that it doesn't just send him right back to a full blown relapse. I have resigned to the fact that he will - and if he doesn't I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Anywho- in about half an hour I am talking with my future boss about the job - and then we hit the streets downtown and look for my sister. This is a charitable thing I'm doing for my family over in England..... who are all just wondering what in the heck is going on with my sister. My aunt is very close with my sister- but has not been able to be in contact with her since she has gone homeless. I do worry though that this will flare up my aunt's illness- but she has many years in recovery for it and works with other mentally ill patients in her day to day life. Today - she feels grief for "reacting" as she did towards my mother- because obviously- we've all done everything we can and that the only thing we really can do is just give her the space to hit rock bottom.
I'm surrounded by this.... I've grown up with mental illness and (not me - although I do question just what is going on with me at times)... addiction/alcoholism... majority of it functioning though. This is all probably why I'm so understanding and empathetic ....... it's what I know. But I also understand that I'm in recovery for it myself (codie recovery).... and I'm in a struggle between the two. It's probably much like a drug addict using with all of the NA/AA material in their head.
Sorry for being so long winded .... I can't tell you how much I think of you all and how grateful I am for you and this forum. How much of our stories sound so similar. Even though I have been in addiction situations for the majority of my life - being in recovery does feel unique.... and I realize I'm not alone when I come here. This place isn't about feeling sorry for ourselves - but for bettering ourselves. For healing and to find strength and courage to step away from the addiction (darkness) and into the light. To write all of this down and putting it on here is extremely humbling and embarrassing... but I'm doing it anyway. Got to start by being truthful with myself!
Thank you again to you all from the bottom of my heart - for being there for me to share my stories and hanging in with me as I express all the trials and tribulations I am experiencing and have experienced. Thank you for your words... your stories of survival.... your stories in relation.... your wisdom.... you all are beautiful - kind - caring - giving - open people.
BIG love and peace ~ xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I hope for your childrens sake you are right that all they are learning are good things, academics and the spirituality of recovery from your BF. I fail to see how an addict who is not in recovery can teach children the "spirituality of recovery" though.
Your boyfriend isn't even emotionally available or there for you so I just don't see how he could be emotionally available or there for your kids. However I'm not there so what do I know except that kids learn by watching how others behave, not by what they say.
I think the biggest mistake us parents make in raising children is assuming the kids don't know or they are not being negatively influenced by the addicts or alcoholics we choose to expose them too. Kids know something is up. They can feel when there is tension in the air. They can hear arguments after they go to bed, when they are supposed to be asleep. They may not have the words to put to it, but they know when something is wrong. It's called the elephant in the living room. Just because you throw a blanket over it and pretend not to see it, doesn't mean it's not there and your kids aren't going to trip over it.
My dad was a functioning alcoholic. But I didn't "know" it. I just thought he liked his beer and that was ok. No one told me it wasn't. He yelled alot. He was a firm believer in spare the rod, spoil the child. Growing up in an alcholic home really affected me and my brothers and sisters when we became older. We started drinking and partying at an early age. We have classic symptoms of ACOA - all of us. To this day my mom begs our forgiveness for exposing us to his alcoholism.
Oh and my dad was really good with us academically. He's the reason I went to college. Big deal. I was drunk the whole time.
Think about this Abs! You grew up with alcoholism and addiction around you. Don't you think that has had some affect on why you now choose to be with an addict and have a hard time letting go? Don't you think it is going to have a similar affect on your children?
Your boyfriend isn't even emotionally available or there for you so I just don't see how he could be emotionally available or there for your kids. However I'm not there so what do I know except that kids learn by watching how others behave, not by what they say.
I think the biggest mistake us parents make in raising children is assuming the kids don't know or they are not being negatively influenced by the addicts or alcoholics we choose to expose them too. Kids know something is up. They can feel when there is tension in the air. They can hear arguments after they go to bed, when they are supposed to be asleep. They may not have the words to put to it, but they know when something is wrong. It's called the elephant in the living room. Just because you throw a blanket over it and pretend not to see it, doesn't mean it's not there and your kids aren't going to trip over it.
My dad was a functioning alcoholic. But I didn't "know" it. I just thought he liked his beer and that was ok. No one told me it wasn't. He yelled alot. He was a firm believer in spare the rod, spoil the child. Growing up in an alcholic home really affected me and my brothers and sisters when we became older. We started drinking and partying at an early age. We have classic symptoms of ACOA - all of us. To this day my mom begs our forgiveness for exposing us to his alcoholism.
Oh and my dad was really good with us academically. He's the reason I went to college. Big deal. I was drunk the whole time.
I've grown up with mental illness and (not me - although I do question just what is going on with me at times)... addiction/alcoholism... majority of it functioning though.
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great insight from AH and H-K. I'll say it again - when children live in an environment with active addiction they are learning to either use or tolerate a user. I grew up in a home with a "secret" addiction. I had no clue that it was going on - but I certainly developed a radar for users (especially covert ones that I didn't know it straight up) that made them feel familiar. So familiar in fact that I would marry them. Kids are highly intuitive and they are in the process of developing their nervous systems. They might not know anything but I'd but money on it that someday they will look back and they'll tell you that they knew something "funny" was going on. I sure wish that my mother had been aware of what was going on and had done something about it.
When you let him move back in it was with the condition of being drug free. It's like being a little bit pregnant. No such thing - you either is or you isn't. So, I guess that I'm not understanding why he is using any substances in your home? If you want to allow that behavior that is one thing but it's important to realize that kids are impacted whether they know what he is doing or not.
Abs - you know we are calling you out on this because we care about you and your kids. You also know that no matter what we are here for you as you figure this out. Don't let the concept that addiction is a chronic relapsing disease affect the fact that you are able to create boundaries that have to be adhered to....if he relapses and that is tolerated then that is different than saying that you live in a drug-free home. My husband knew that if I ever found a substance in my home that that was it. In fact, it was "it" if I found out that he was using anything. I know that I am lucky that once he moved in he never did another drug or drank (yet) so it's easy for me to say because I didn't actually have to address it.
Be strong! Take care of yourself and your boys. I just keep thinking that if someone called DSS and they searched your home that you could lose them. Let alone if the kids are ever searching around and get into anything. None of this is easy but it is something to think about.
When you let him move back in it was with the condition of being drug free. It's like being a little bit pregnant. No such thing - you either is or you isn't. So, I guess that I'm not understanding why he is using any substances in your home? If you want to allow that behavior that is one thing but it's important to realize that kids are impacted whether they know what he is doing or not.
Abs - you know we are calling you out on this because we care about you and your kids. You also know that no matter what we are here for you as you figure this out. Don't let the concept that addiction is a chronic relapsing disease affect the fact that you are able to create boundaries that have to be adhered to....if he relapses and that is tolerated then that is different than saying that you live in a drug-free home. My husband knew that if I ever found a substance in my home that that was it. In fact, it was "it" if I found out that he was using anything. I know that I am lucky that once he moved in he never did another drug or drank (yet) so it's easy for me to say because I didn't actually have to address it.
Be strong! Take care of yourself and your boys. I just keep thinking that if someone called DSS and they searched your home that you could lose them. Let alone if the kids are ever searching around and get into anything. None of this is easy but it is something to think about.
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(((Abs)))
I agree with the above.
He's BEEN telling you he wants to quit. What has he DONE about it...changed substances.
As far as the kids, I totally believe they know "something" is going on. Kids are very bright these days, and they know way more about drug abuse than we ever did. They pick up on things, like he's always running to your room with the door closed....and mom is stressed out. They hear things from other kids at school...they will put two and two together.
What happens if they find out? Don't say "they won't" because he is using in your house and there is a BIG chance they will. What have they learned? That he is using and everything he's said to them is totally opposite of what he DOES (double standard). That mom has allowed someone to use drugs in her house, knowing that she can lose her kids?
In short, they will learn that it's okay to do certain drugs, as long as you talk about recovery, and they will feel like they've done something wrong. No matter WHAT happens in a child's life, they feel responsible..it's what kids do. They will think that maybe if they did better in school, cleaned up there rooms better, then maybe he won't use and mom won't be so stressed. They are codies-in-training.
Sweetie, we ARE there for you and we DO care. But you are dealing with the lives and futures of your kids. You don't deserve this, and they certainly don't.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree with the above.
He's BEEN telling you he wants to quit. What has he DONE about it...changed substances.
As far as the kids, I totally believe they know "something" is going on. Kids are very bright these days, and they know way more about drug abuse than we ever did. They pick up on things, like he's always running to your room with the door closed....and mom is stressed out. They hear things from other kids at school...they will put two and two together.
What happens if they find out? Don't say "they won't" because he is using in your house and there is a BIG chance they will. What have they learned? That he is using and everything he's said to them is totally opposite of what he DOES (double standard). That mom has allowed someone to use drugs in her house, knowing that she can lose her kids?
In short, they will learn that it's okay to do certain drugs, as long as you talk about recovery, and they will feel like they've done something wrong. No matter WHAT happens in a child's life, they feel responsible..it's what kids do. They will think that maybe if they did better in school, cleaned up there rooms better, then maybe he won't use and mom won't be so stressed. They are codies-in-training.
Sweetie, we ARE there for you and we DO care. But you are dealing with the lives and futures of your kids. You don't deserve this, and they certainly don't.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Anvil, Hello Kitty, Donna, and Amy....... you ALL have made some excellent points. I actually just wrote up a ton and LOST all that I wrote because my battery died. grrrrrrrrrr
So I'll keep it short (this time).
NO MORE ACTIVE ADDICTION ------------- PERIOD is allowed. If he *has* to use N20 THAT badly - he can leave the house to do it. It's not like he can sneak it around here because it's quite a noisy sport (to my ear).
In my guys and my defense - the N20 was only used when the boys weren't home or were sleeping.
I will also say that things are a helluva lot better (with us) now than they were a year ago - which is something I am grateful about. Is it perfect - no! Maybe him doing better (not using oxy - seeing that drugs ARE a means to an end - wrestling with it instead of being in full blown denial) IS making me look more at my issues? I don't know.
Not YET - am I worried about the boys - because the boys and I are extremely close and open..... we do NOT sweep things under the rug. I can't explain in short just how confident I am in the boys NOT being harmed (right now). But I DO see what you are saying and that they can be with active addiction being present. The boys express themselves and acknowledge their feelings and feel comfortable in their own skin in doing so. Again - they are students in the "Art of Living".... embracing change as being forever constant, working through attachment via observing craving/aversion for what it is..... not what it should be. We do meditation on sensations in our bodies when things are good and when they are bad. I receive accolades from other parents and peers and family members for just how genuine and present the boys are. On a soulful and awareness level - the boys are light years ahead of their peers. Their biological father rears from a "fear" approach - where I rear completely different. For example - he would "time out" and I would do "time in". If they are going to have issues - it's going to be more so from how they have totally two different types of parents.
PS...... Seeing my sister yesterday - living in a homeless shelter - not recognizing that she is in the throws of schizophrenia was VERY hard on my aunt, my guy, and myself. We went to my folks for dinner to give them the details. Today - as I'm writing this - my guy is sitting across from me playing his guitar along with a PHISH album....... and we are in a good space! One of his friends from outpatient had the audacity to ask me for his *new* phone number last night to find some oxy's after having a motor cycle accident. I firmly told him that I thought it was disgraceful to even think that it was a little bit okay to ask for such a thing from my guy. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus!
So I'll keep it short (this time).
NO MORE ACTIVE ADDICTION ------------- PERIOD is allowed. If he *has* to use N20 THAT badly - he can leave the house to do it. It's not like he can sneak it around here because it's quite a noisy sport (to my ear).
In my guys and my defense - the N20 was only used when the boys weren't home or were sleeping.
I will also say that things are a helluva lot better (with us) now than they were a year ago - which is something I am grateful about. Is it perfect - no! Maybe him doing better (not using oxy - seeing that drugs ARE a means to an end - wrestling with it instead of being in full blown denial) IS making me look more at my issues? I don't know.
Not YET - am I worried about the boys - because the boys and I are extremely close and open..... we do NOT sweep things under the rug. I can't explain in short just how confident I am in the boys NOT being harmed (right now). But I DO see what you are saying and that they can be with active addiction being present. The boys express themselves and acknowledge their feelings and feel comfortable in their own skin in doing so. Again - they are students in the "Art of Living".... embracing change as being forever constant, working through attachment via observing craving/aversion for what it is..... not what it should be. We do meditation on sensations in our bodies when things are good and when they are bad. I receive accolades from other parents and peers and family members for just how genuine and present the boys are. On a soulful and awareness level - the boys are light years ahead of their peers. Their biological father rears from a "fear" approach - where I rear completely different. For example - he would "time out" and I would do "time in". If they are going to have issues - it's going to be more so from how they have totally two different types of parents.
PS...... Seeing my sister yesterday - living in a homeless shelter - not recognizing that she is in the throws of schizophrenia was VERY hard on my aunt, my guy, and myself. We went to my folks for dinner to give them the details. Today - as I'm writing this - my guy is sitting across from me playing his guitar along with a PHISH album....... and we are in a good space! One of his friends from outpatient had the audacity to ask me for his *new* phone number last night to find some oxy's after having a motor cycle accident. I firmly told him that I thought it was disgraceful to even think that it was a little bit okay to ask for such a thing from my guy. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus!
Last edited by cece1960; 09-25-2008 at 03:19 PM.
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I truly don't know what I would do without this site. The reason why I say this is because I feel as though that I could handle the dysfunction because it's what I know. But I don't have to! How can one be addicted to dysfunction? Is it because we are safe.... it's familiar? Maybe it's because I think I can functionally handle it? But like drugs - there IS a means to an end. It takes you down and all those that you care about down with you.
My boys- they are MY MAIN CONCERN. I feel as though that being their mother - having 2 lives that I am responsible for - gives me a second chance. A chance of implementing a FUNCTIONAL household.... surrounding for them. I think of the memories that they will have..... as I have too have memories. My memories are functioning in dysfunction- sweeping things under the rug..... finding out in my early 20's that I have 3 half siblings..... for example. When i found out - I just went with the flow..... I was really happy about it, actually. But just because I have lived it - it doesn't mean my boys have to follow my foot steps. Grant it - I do give them the tools at an early age in how to cope and deal - but how grand for them to not be exposed to all of this to begin with?
We are all meant to be going back east next week Friday. My guy is battling tremendously with LIFE..... not seeing that life is worth living - which is why he uses drugs to deal.... to feel and act like someone normal. He does recognize he is an addict - but now his thing is justifying why he chooses to be one. I can't accept it.... I KNOW that life is hard....... shoot - I'm suffering my own personal consequences right now. What am I going to do.... lie down and die? NO...... but underneath all of his pain and anguish, as well as, his joys and accomplishments (that he does not recognize) - he is lying down to die. Emotions and feelings aside - I can understand (that's pretty sick isn't it?)........ however, it makes me want to not be in this relationship. It's too toxic to subscribe to his thoughts. Thing is.... is that it's not ever present and I forget about his subscription to life when he is living and engaging with us all. I know I can't make him see or make him do..... I try - but it only lasts so long before he has back in his head and feeling consumed of being a failure. Common sense tells me - he has these feelings when I take drugs from him and that he is not dealing with the root of his issues. But then he tells me that the reason he turned to drugs in the first place is because he was sick and tired of feeling how he was feeling - and that when he found drugs it gave him peace. He doesn't want to go back to where he was before drugs - he hated his life then too! Which tells me he has a mental problem. I have had confirmation from his friends/family that he has suffered with depression and ADD since childhood. He is a highly smart and intellectual man...... he has SO MUCH going for him. So many people think the world of him. He has a knack for making people feel safe.... his kindness and giving is more than any man has ever given me. The pain; however, is the most any man has given me too.
Anywho- just thought I'd share. :::sigh::: ~ I'm scared... and I too wish all would just be okay.
My boys- they are MY MAIN CONCERN. I feel as though that being their mother - having 2 lives that I am responsible for - gives me a second chance. A chance of implementing a FUNCTIONAL household.... surrounding for them. I think of the memories that they will have..... as I have too have memories. My memories are functioning in dysfunction- sweeping things under the rug..... finding out in my early 20's that I have 3 half siblings..... for example. When i found out - I just went with the flow..... I was really happy about it, actually. But just because I have lived it - it doesn't mean my boys have to follow my foot steps. Grant it - I do give them the tools at an early age in how to cope and deal - but how grand for them to not be exposed to all of this to begin with?
We are all meant to be going back east next week Friday. My guy is battling tremendously with LIFE..... not seeing that life is worth living - which is why he uses drugs to deal.... to feel and act like someone normal. He does recognize he is an addict - but now his thing is justifying why he chooses to be one. I can't accept it.... I KNOW that life is hard....... shoot - I'm suffering my own personal consequences right now. What am I going to do.... lie down and die? NO...... but underneath all of his pain and anguish, as well as, his joys and accomplishments (that he does not recognize) - he is lying down to die. Emotions and feelings aside - I can understand (that's pretty sick isn't it?)........ however, it makes me want to not be in this relationship. It's too toxic to subscribe to his thoughts. Thing is.... is that it's not ever present and I forget about his subscription to life when he is living and engaging with us all. I know I can't make him see or make him do..... I try - but it only lasts so long before he has back in his head and feeling consumed of being a failure. Common sense tells me - he has these feelings when I take drugs from him and that he is not dealing with the root of his issues. But then he tells me that the reason he turned to drugs in the first place is because he was sick and tired of feeling how he was feeling - and that when he found drugs it gave him peace. He doesn't want to go back to where he was before drugs - he hated his life then too! Which tells me he has a mental problem. I have had confirmation from his friends/family that he has suffered with depression and ADD since childhood. He is a highly smart and intellectual man...... he has SO MUCH going for him. So many people think the world of him. He has a knack for making people feel safe.... his kindness and giving is more than any man has ever given me. The pain; however, is the most any man has given me too.
Anywho- just thought I'd share. :::sigh::: ~ I'm scared... and I too wish all would just be okay.
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((((Abs)))) - I love the pictures.
Yes, we absolutely get comfortable being miserable. I thought that was what life was supposed to be. I kept saying "but we have some really good times!!!" as a way to downplay the bad times. Everyone else thought I was crazy for what I put up with...I thought I was in love.
I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your boys. I had the same kind of relationship with my mom, and I STILL don't know how I got so screwed up!!! I remember her, crying, asking "what did I do wrong in raising you that you think you deserve this?" talking about XABF #1.
Keep posting, and work through it. I know you're struggling, but I do see progress
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yes, we absolutely get comfortable being miserable. I thought that was what life was supposed to be. I kept saying "but we have some really good times!!!" as a way to downplay the bad times. Everyone else thought I was crazy for what I put up with...I thought I was in love.
I'm glad you have such a great relationship with your boys. I had the same kind of relationship with my mom, and I STILL don't know how I got so screwed up!!! I remember her, crying, asking "what did I do wrong in raising you that you think you deserve this?" talking about XABF #1.
Keep posting, and work through it. I know you're struggling, but I do see progress
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Man. It's so gorgeous where you guys live. I'm jealous. All I hear are sirens all day. Well I do work at a hospital but still... I live in a packed neighborhood in the city and there's lots of constant traffic outside my window. All the grass is manicured and the trees are only 8 feet tall and growing up out of the sidewalk. I have to drive out of town to get to nature. And I'm a nature girl at heart. I love phish and before I had my son, I used to travel to the gorge for camping and 3 days at Dave. Now I'm just caught up trying to provide for my little family and keep my jailbird/drug addict ex from hassling his son too much. Ahhhhhhhh well. It is what it is.
My son would love it out where you are.
Thanks for sharing the pics Abs. I really appreciate it. It looks sunny and warm. And the air looks so fresh. And your boys are gorgeous.
I'm glad you put your foot down about using drugs in the house. I'm so glad your not going to let him get away with the crap anymore. First things first, right?!!!
(((hugs)))
My son would love it out where you are.
Thanks for sharing the pics Abs. I really appreciate it. It looks sunny and warm. And the air looks so fresh. And your boys are gorgeous.
I'm glad you put your foot down about using drugs in the house. I'm so glad your not going to let him get away with the crap anymore. First things first, right?!!!
(((hugs)))
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