Toxic relationships and steps to change "you"
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Toxic relationships and steps to change "you"
Many of us struggle with the toxic relationships in our lives (or don't even realize how toxic they are). For years I have really struggled with this and have struggled with letting go. I'll let go for a bit but then fall right back into iit with the right words. Last night I came across this information and stayed up half the night going through this in detail. It has helped me to take a fresh look at how my hopes and dreams keep me hooked into a man that just hasn't been willing or able to make the changes that would help to create a healthy and happy relationship. I can't change him but I can change how close I am to him. Hope that this will also help someone else. I'm the type that needs a specific recipe.
Types of Toxic Relationships (any yes answer qualifies)
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy, wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
Types of Toxic Relationships (any yes answer qualifies)
( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.
( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
( 6) Smothering you.
( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.
( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.
( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.
(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.
(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
(14) Other has an addictive disease.
(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.
Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do, or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.
Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.
Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy, wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.
Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.
Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.
Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.
Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.
``Letting Go''
To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To ``let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To ``let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To ``let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.
Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
LightSeeker - thanks! I too am still at a place where "recipes" are helpful. I wonder if the further along with my own recovery the less I'll need these? Maybe I always will, who knows? for now, I need them - thank you for sharing!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I just posted about Toxic Love vs. Healthy Love on another thread. Here is some MORE great information.
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Landlord - Hopeless? On no - not at all. It's a jumping off place...an awakening of sorts to what our choices and relationships tend to be. It's an opportunity to see that we need to do something different.
For me, it meant getting to meetings, to counselling, to having a sponsor, to working the steps, and really put forth a lot of effort to change things for myself.
I notice that you are new to SR - welcome! There is wonderful information at the top of the forum in the sticky's. I think that recognizing that there is a problem is one giant step in the right direction. I spent a lot of time in relationships that were toxic and didn't even recognize it! Then I began to recognize them and the hard work of changing me from the inside out began.
The work is worth it though....I can't tell you the hours of sitting in the chairs at meetings and time meeting with my sponsor and time working the steps that I have spent. But each moment has been worth it. I've still got a long ways to go - but hopeless? No way!
For me, it meant getting to meetings, to counselling, to having a sponsor, to working the steps, and really put forth a lot of effort to change things for myself.
I notice that you are new to SR - welcome! There is wonderful information at the top of the forum in the sticky's. I think that recognizing that there is a problem is one giant step in the right direction. I spent a lot of time in relationships that were toxic and didn't even recognize it! Then I began to recognize them and the hard work of changing me from the inside out began.
The work is worth it though....I can't tell you the hours of sitting in the chairs at meetings and time meeting with my sponsor and time working the steps that I have spent. But each moment has been worth it. I've still got a long ways to go - but hopeless? No way!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
We have been split up for 5 months now. (I broke it off) And I still cannot stop thinking about her. I miss her so much. If you asked me what I miss about her, I could not give you an answer. If you asked me what I loved about her, I could not give you an answer. It was mostly lust. She was beautiful, but very arrogant, rude, angry, the list goes on and on. Her negative qualities out-weighed her positive qualities 10-1. So why am I so hung up on her? How do I release myself from thoughts of her? How do I stop crying over her?
If we got back together, her annoying qualities would still be there, and I know I would Probably kick her out again in a few months. It's just that I am so lonely. I live alone in a big house full of stuff, but it feels so empty. I am so lost.
I am doing everything everyone has suggested: Spend time with friends and family, Staying busy, finding new hobbies, dating other women, I'm writing a book, etc. I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist. But when it's time to go to bed... Thats the worst part. Its cold and lonely. And then I wake up, and remember dreams I had about her... It is so hard! I'm just so tired of feeling like this. What else can I possibly do? anyone???
If we got back together, her annoying qualities would still be there, and I know I would Probably kick her out again in a few months. It's just that I am so lonely. I live alone in a big house full of stuff, but it feels so empty. I am so lost.
I am doing everything everyone has suggested: Spend time with friends and family, Staying busy, finding new hobbies, dating other women, I'm writing a book, etc. I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist. But when it's time to go to bed... Thats the worst part. Its cold and lonely. And then I wake up, and remember dreams I had about her... It is so hard! I'm just so tired of feeling like this. What else can I possibly do? anyone???
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I wish I had the answers LandLord, because I am going thru the EXACT SAME THING as you. I could have written your post.
Someone else will be along here soon to give you some better perspective than I am able to. Here's all I know right now:
One Day At A Time.
Someone else will be along here soon to give you some better perspective than I am able to. Here's all I know right now:
How do I release myself from thoughts of her? How do I stop crying over her?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I need this all again today too.
I hate missing him (and his kids - I am really missing the kids too).
I hate that it is so difficult on certain days. I haven't figured out why it is a piece of cake on others.
I too am pursuing my passions, spending time with friends and family, enjoying a date here and there, etc ...
yes, I hear everyone ... one day at a time ...
today seems endless
I hate missing him (and his kids - I am really missing the kids too).
I hate that it is so difficult on certain days. I haven't figured out why it is a piece of cake on others.
I too am pursuing my passions, spending time with friends and family, enjoying a date here and there, etc ...
yes, I hear everyone ... one day at a time ...
today seems endless
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by LandLord 
What else can I possibly do? anyone???
Just this shift in perspective I have found a miraculous exercise to rid me of obsessing on something negative in my own life. And just like exercise, it needs to be done on a regular basis, to keep me able to see things from a less egocentric place.
It could be something as simple as going to a local animal shelter and showing a few scared animals a bit of love, perhaps before their final hours.
CLMI
One-derful!!!!...by the way "One" meaning "me without him"..him is the "rollercoaster ride toxin giver" of what all these 7 years I thought was real love......NOT!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Response to LandLord's Question
Originally Posted by LandLord
What if you answered yes to all of the above types of toxic relationships? (Which I have)
Hopeless?
Hopeless?
Perhaps you could post a new thread describing the situation you are having difficulty with and any questions you have for other people to share their thoughts about.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
I am out of the relationship. yes.
My problem is I can not let go of thoughts of her. I still miss her. That is my problem. I want to be able to move on. I am trying everything. We split up back in May, and I still cannot get over it, and I'm the one who broke it off! How do I let go?
My problem is I can not let go of thoughts of her. I still miss her. That is my problem. I want to be able to move on. I am trying everything. We split up back in May, and I still cannot get over it, and I'm the one who broke it off! How do I let go?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
LandLord,
Well, from Lightseeker's post above, I copied the following:
What is it about this abusive person that you believe? That you miss her even though she is abusive? Something else? That you need her to be happy? That you can't live alone?
Have you broken this out for yourself in writing? It always helps me to write my thoughts out.
Recovering from an abusive relationship often starts with ME. I have to do a lot of self-reflection, which means looking at what it is that I want or desire. Usually, I discover that it's the desires that are the strongest that cause me the most problems. I would ask myself: How did you get involved with a person who is abusive? What exactly did you WANT from this person in the first place?
I usually do this while cleaning my house. Literally. Once I have decided that I don't want a particular person in my life anymore, even if I'm balling my eyes out and can hardly speak to another human being, I will clean my house top to bottom. Once I'm done, and yes while still crying and sobbing, I will call my closest friends and talk to them about my wants and desires and my hurt and my inability to let go. And I listen.
Perhaps you could start with some of these things.
Well, from Lightseeker's post above, I copied the following:
Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.
Recovering from an abusive relationship often starts with ME. I have to do a lot of self-reflection, which means looking at what it is that I want or desire. Usually, I discover that it's the desires that are the strongest that cause me the most problems. I would ask myself: How did you get involved with a person who is abusive? What exactly did you WANT from this person in the first place?
I usually do this while cleaning my house. Literally. Once I have decided that I don't want a particular person in my life anymore, even if I'm balling my eyes out and can hardly speak to another human being, I will clean my house top to bottom. Once I'm done, and yes while still crying and sobbing, I will call my closest friends and talk to them about my wants and desires and my hurt and my inability to let go. And I listen.
Perhaps you could start with some of these things.
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