Tiacity

The last time I shot cocaine was Monday. It's Friday. I think the only reason I'm not obsessing or doing it now, is because I have a red bump (abcess?) on my arm where it bends. It's pretty terrifying. I has gotten smaller, but it's hard, about dime-sized, and hurts.
I'm a thirty-something professional, and really don't want this to get out.
I do go to 12 step meetings, for three years now, and have relapsed about five times. I put together a year and a half, up until three months ago.
I'm scared about this bump. I want to say, "I promise never to do it again if this goes away" but I don't know if I mean it.
I know what I SHOULD do. But has anyone been where I am now that can tell me anything?

phoenix

Welcome to Sober Recovery


I have been almost exactly where you are...right down to having the abscess on the arm.I know it is scary,but you will need to have it taken care of.It will NOT just get better on it's own,and neither will you.You don't have to do this alone.

First things first...get yourself to your doc,or to the ER.If it is an abscess(sounds like it is),it may need to be drained and packed.That's what they did with mine,but mine was quite large before I got scared enough to go in.You don't want to wait.I still have a scar because I put it off too long.

Next,get back to meetings,and get honest.Keep posting here as well.We are here and we care.And again...get that arm looked at.

Hugs

phoenix

BikerBill8

Welcome to SR, What Phoenix said get to the doctor. I had the same thing I got it treated and the doc took a HIV test to make sure that I didn't have the virus. Hope that you get it taken care of soon and get back to meetings. Be Cool BikerBill8

Tiacity

Thank you both. This morning it is worse not better, it hurts much more, I can't move my arm very well, and I guess I should go to the ER. I'm so scared. I don't know why it didn't get this bad until now, it's still been since Monday since I shot.
I'm going. I'll let you know what happens. Thank you so much.
HUGS

phoenix

I am so glad you are going to get it looked at.It's getting worse because it is an infection,and it may move slowly,but untreated it will always get worse,never better.I was scared to death when it happened to me,and had no idea what it was,but I had all sorts of wild fears.I even thought maybe it was a blood clot,and would break loose and go to my heart or brain

Try to put aside your fear.The docs are going to know what caused it...no getting around that.But like I said,they've seen it all.Not much shocks them.Just let them treat it,so you can start to heal.And then get back to meetings and start fresh.

We have an NA forum here,and several other good forums.Make yourself at home,and take advantage of the support.The people here are just awesome

Keep coming back,
Hugs,

phoenix

Tiacity

Well, that's done. I went to the ER and since they didn't prod me about it, I didn't tell them what caused it. They think some kind of bite. I really didn't want to say, unless backed into a corner. Since I don't have tracks on my arms, (I'm riding the fence between recovery and using) I really believe they didn't suspect. Okay, so I'm further enabled.
But the abcess is HARD, not mushy (ickk) and the doc said she didn't think it had puss yet (ICKKK) but stuck a needle in anyway, since I said "please just get it OFF". But it's huge now, and I'm on antibiotics, and am supposed to go back in two days if it does not look any better.
I wonder if they would have done anything different if I had told them what I did to cause it? Probably just treated me like a junkie, instead of a "normal woman".
Okay, I'm ready to hear anyone's opinion that I did not tell the truth at the ER. But I'm glad I'm on antibiotics, a pretty high dose, and that I went.
And I thank my HP that I'm not having cravings today.

phoenix

The main thing is that you went,and now you are on the road to healing.Honesty comes hard sometimes,and I'm not sure I'd have done any different...nor would most people.Not saying that to enable,but I'm sure not in any position to judge you

Even after several years clean,I still have a bad habit of putting off trips to the doctor.I always regret it...lol.

Think of this as a wake up call,and get back to taking care of yourself.Keep posting,and let us know how things go.

Hugs

phoenix

Tiacity

Thanks Phoenix.
Wake up call, yes, and I've certainly had so many of those over the years. But I want to live sober. Be healthy and clean. I want to look like Kate Hudson! :shades: and I'm not going to look anywhere near my best; or be of any help to anyone in or out of recovery if I keep dabbling. I am 100% an addict/ alcoholic.
I must keep green the feeling of this "thing" on my arm, because it's bigger, and hurts.

I'm so glad I found this site, when I was trying to find out online what to do about the abcess. I will keep using it. In addition to all the other resources that I've been given.
HUGS,
tiacity

Juls

Tiacity,

If you live near a healthfood store, go and get Burdock root, in the tincture. Ask the clerk. Apply several times a day to the area. Burdock root is very helpful in healing cysts, and bringing them up so they will open and drain.

Juls

Tiacity

Thanks Juls. That's while it is still hard and stiff right? I was wondering what to do if it breaks open. Anyone know? It may just go down, said the doctor. Last night I was freaked, thinking it's huge, I can barely move my arm and that Quack at the ER is too stupid to know what to do, and I may die as a result. Like you said, Phoenix, I was thinking poison was traveling throughout my body, and my heart felt a little fast, and I'd probably have a heart attack or die of some kind of poisoning.

However, this morning I woke up, and feel almost no pain, it's smaller. But really HARD. What is with that? I had a rough time sleeping, I kept waking up feeling dope sick and prickly. Really not fun. Yesterday was difficult. But that's over.

I'll see if I can get Burdock tincture tomorrow. Thank you. I will (most likely) go to a meeting today, and most definitely tomorrow. I have a great one right near where I work.
HUGS.
tiacity

howie

I hope you are doing better. I am glad that you got your arm checked out. I know how you feel about the fear of getting caught and then you don't get caught and feel like you skated by one more time. I justify my use sometimes like that. Its not a good thing to do. I have been on and off the wagon. My choice is to snort coke. Never used needles, but we all know what we are going though.
God bless you tiacity and take care.

Tiacity

Howie I'm doing better in that I'm clean for one week, totally clean. I would love to snort coke, and would if I could but after one year of doing that, my nose rejected it, and I thought I had to stop it altogether but no, we are too smart for that and I recalled that shooting was the only reasonable option.
I'm down on my knees every day praying not to use, and being grateful for the last 24 hours, and maybe this is a blessing (thing on arm).
I don't know if I have to go back to dr today or not, it's still pretty bad. I'll decide later and get the burdock root that Juls recommended.
And as much as I try to turn over my will, I will decide if I'm going to use, I sincerely doubt it will be today, but I want my light to shine again, I keep snuffing it out.
God bless, and good luck to you too Howie.
Let's keep coming back!

2stop

**{TIA}}-Three years ago I had those abseccess and sores all over my body.and i have never shot up a drug, I almost lost my right arm, the docs thought it was some kind of bite too, but couldn't say for sure..and I wasn't going to volunteer the 30-50 or more pills I was taking a day. My arms would swell up so bad it felt like my heart was going to blow and I would black out. A doctor later told my husband that I was in end-stage narcotic addiction. The first thing I thought was..no I'm not, I'm not a heroin addict that shoots up! I truly wish I had been honest with a doctor back then, I have put myself into a real bad condition of health becuase I am so stubborn and well just scared to tell a doctor. I am slowly coming to my senses though, today I am calling an addiction place here in town and try to get in this week, please go get you a doctor and tell them you need help. I should have died so many times from being stubborn and scared..I know it's hard, I know it seems impossible, but please get the help you deserve, you're worth it you know! I will have you in my prayers.

Tiacity

Tammie,
Thanks for sharing that with me. You don't have to be an IV drug user to live a complete nightmare, and I've lived many and I belong here.
It happens that I am going to have to go back to the doctor today, because it is no better and she said to come back in 2 days if it was not better. I'm getting really scared again. Okay, I think I'm probably going to tell on myself. What EVER, I just want this thing off my arm, and I am positive there is poison (cocaine, whatever) swimming through my body, though I'm functioning enough to be at work.
Right at 5pm, I'm off to hopefully have this opened up. I don't want to wait.
tiacity

2stop

Sending you a big **{HUG}} and praying for you today.

phoenix

This is a case where honesty will turn out to be the best policy.It usually is anyway

It's hard for the docs to help us,if we don't tell them what's wrong.Often,they can spot it anyway,but not always.I'm glad you are going back,and I'm sure it will get cleared up.I have an infection in my toe and have been on Cipro all weekend.It is getting better...but so slowly.And it hurts so bad
It's all a result of puuting it off,in my case.A bad habit of mine.

Take care,and keep us posted.

Hugs

phoenix

Tiacity

Thank you Tammie, and everyone. I needed that. I know that on the outside I appear fine, but I'm not. And my sponsor is being really distant and unavailable. I think it's time to get a new sponsor, and this time preferably one that is not ten years younger than me. I feel jilted, but there are so many other women who have reached out to me in meetings I know I won't have a problem. Major resentment building about present-about-to-be-fired sponsor. Okay and I'm lonely, but about to go to a meeting. Not hungry or tired. All checked. I'm going to be okay. I so wish this abcess would have disappeared by now, but that would have been too easy right?
Hugs right back.
Tiacity

2stop

It did take a long time for mine to heal, but I waited until I had a high fever and really bad chest pains..I have a lot of scars from them, but they did heal in time with antibiotics and some other meds I can't remember, Just make sure you get back to the doctor and have it fully taken care of, okay? Thinking of you and praying for ya! Hang in there!!

Tiacity

Phoenix, I missed that about your toe before, sorry. Yes, I noticed a few years ago that I make myself physically ill and very depressed when I'm dishonest. I almost wish...I could lie...naaaahhhhh, never mind. It's a good thing.

Okay, next right thing, next right thing: finish work. THEN: go back to dr. Tell truth and don't use today. Already went to a meeting. And don't get overwhelmed. These are the things I know I need to do, and so simple.

And I'm really getting this thing, abcess, taken care of because it's like having a golf ball velcro-ed to my arm! I can't wear short sleeves! It's hideous! It's a sign. It's really unpleasant, but I'm fortunate. Of all the things that could have happened.....ODing for one thing. I'm grateful. And grateful for all of you too.
Hugs,
tiacity