Are all active alcoholics bums?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
Are all active alcoholics bums?
As some of you know, my ASO and I have been separated for 6 weeks now and we have a 9 month old daughter together.
Ever since we separated, he has rarely seen our daughter and is still driniking actively. He and I have an arrangement that he pays for day care. He helped out with the day care bill one week and has not pitched in since. Of course, we have not seen him since either. Now he is saying that he will give me enough for both weeks of day care that he was not around when he gets paid next week. He is supposedly in recovery since yesterday, yet he still does not have 24 hours of sobriety under his belt.
Anyway, I plan to officially file for child support if he does not follow through next week and begins to contribute every week going forward. I can get by without him, too, so sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to go through all the hassle or if I should just move on and accept him for the A/bum he is. However, a part of me thinks that it is only fair that he supports both his children as he does pay child support for his first daughter from a previous marriage already.
My A always took advantage of me even when we lived together because I let him do that. Although he is a functional A with a great job, he never paid rent or utilitites during the few years we were living together. He would buy the groceries most of the time and would pay for most of our entertaining bills (restaurants, outings, etc.), but what he spent never came close to what I spent on the house. His spending was always spontaneous. In other words, he could go out and buy something for the house and get a dress and/or a toy for our daughter, but it was only when he felt like it and was in the mood. He was never good with scheduled payments like rent, utilities, car payments, etc.
What are your thoughts on that? Have you had similar or different experiences with the A's in your life?
Ever since we separated, he has rarely seen our daughter and is still driniking actively. He and I have an arrangement that he pays for day care. He helped out with the day care bill one week and has not pitched in since. Of course, we have not seen him since either. Now he is saying that he will give me enough for both weeks of day care that he was not around when he gets paid next week. He is supposedly in recovery since yesterday, yet he still does not have 24 hours of sobriety under his belt.
Anyway, I plan to officially file for child support if he does not follow through next week and begins to contribute every week going forward. I can get by without him, too, so sometimes I wonder if it is worth it to go through all the hassle or if I should just move on and accept him for the A/bum he is. However, a part of me thinks that it is only fair that he supports both his children as he does pay child support for his first daughter from a previous marriage already.
My A always took advantage of me even when we lived together because I let him do that. Although he is a functional A with a great job, he never paid rent or utilitites during the few years we were living together. He would buy the groceries most of the time and would pay for most of our entertaining bills (restaurants, outings, etc.), but what he spent never came close to what I spent on the house. His spending was always spontaneous. In other words, he could go out and buy something for the house and get a dress and/or a toy for our daughter, but it was only when he felt like it and was in the mood. He was never good with scheduled payments like rent, utilities, car payments, etc.
What are your thoughts on that? Have you had similar or different experiences with the A's in your life?
things as it is
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 233
The active addict is a vortex of self-centeredness, sucking in and draining anything within reach.
File for support...no hesitation...just go do it. It will make you feel good about yourself as a mother. Trust me...I've been there.
File for support...no hesitation...just go do it. It will make you feel good about yourself as a mother. Trust me...I've been there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 73
My XABF has not paid living expenses for the past two years - and he has a full-time job paying him $25/hour! He lived with me for 6 months & never paid me a dime. The other year & a 1/2 he's lived w/his mother and never pays her a dime. Never even buys groceries!! ALL of his money goes to feed his habit.
Also, IMHO, I would absolutely file for child support! It IS also his child and there is NO reason why he should not have to contribute.
Also, IMHO, I would absolutely file for child support! It IS also his child and there is NO reason why he should not have to contribute.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
That sort of behavior isn't just limited to alcoholics who are actively drinking.
My youngest daughter's father was sober and very active in AA 13 years when I met him.
I had to have a paternity test done because he said he would pay child support 'if' he were the father. I wonder how many times Social Services has heard that one from a father?
His income taxes had to be garnished for years because he wouldn't pay.
Finally when my youngest was 11, Child Support Enforcement took him back to court for an increase in support. The amount he was giving wasn't even paying her day care.
He was home for a year on disability (shoulder surgery from a job injury) and was pulling in over 4 grand a month on disability and from a trust fund his parents left him.
Today he has been active and sober in AA for 33 years now, and has never been an part of her life except for one year when he made an effort, an occasional birthday card, and it was a continual battle with the child support.
My youngest daughter's father was sober and very active in AA 13 years when I met him.
I had to have a paternity test done because he said he would pay child support 'if' he were the father. I wonder how many times Social Services has heard that one from a father?
His income taxes had to be garnished for years because he wouldn't pay.
Finally when my youngest was 11, Child Support Enforcement took him back to court for an increase in support. The amount he was giving wasn't even paying her day care.
He was home for a year on disability (shoulder surgery from a job injury) and was pulling in over 4 grand a month on disability and from a trust fund his parents left him.
Today he has been active and sober in AA for 33 years now, and has never been an part of her life except for one year when he made an effort, an occasional birthday card, and it was a continual battle with the child support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I am now going thru the same thing. Our daughter is 5 months old. Since I kicked him out 7 weeks ago he brings me a small package of diapers a week. That is it. He does see her for about 15 or so minutes almost every day.
I just filed for child support and primary custody. He is an alcoholic and I don't trust him with our daughter. No way.
I suggest you do the same ASAP! Protect your baby.
I just filed for child support and primary custody. He is an alcoholic and I don't trust him with our daughter. No way.
I suggest you do the same ASAP! Protect your baby.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
For me, it turned out to be much more productive to ask questions like "why did I let someone take advantage of me?'" "What do I get out of having someone in my life who doesn't take responsibility for himself?" Calling him names, either verbally or in my head, kept me stuck in victim mode and fueled my resentment. Looking at my part empowered me. Just my two cents.
L
L
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 09-06-2008 at 09:11 AM. Reason: typo
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
My xabf lived with me & I got $60, once... his 2 kids are in their 30's & he still owes child support to his xw. I don't think they all do this, but there sure are alot of them. My 2 xah, also paid little to their children from previous marriages. All these guys were self employed. Now I realize why they were dumped in the 1st place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by zendust 
Freedom1990, I don't care how long or how active he is in AA, that's NOT sobriety.
He was never there for his first set of kids while they were growing up and he was drinking.
The same applies to his second set of kids after he quit drinking (my youngest has a half sister a year younger from a different mother).
It's a shame as he's seen as a swell guy in AA, sponsors all kinds of folks, yada yada yada. Of course, none of them are aware of his parenting, or rather non-parenting capacities outside of AA.
He's still got to look at himself at the end of the day in the mirror just as I do.
I did the best I could as a single parent, and today I like who I see in the mirror!
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
My XAB was very functional which is why I didnt pick up on his problem at first. He paid his bills on time, etc. However, he did have a lot of spontaneous purchases and I mean big purchases, but it was always for himself. Whenever It came to buying something for someone else, including me, it required thought and yeah, if he really felt like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 14
Startingover2,
Thanks for your post!
My XASO used to see our daughter every other day for 15 minutes at a time too, but he nevr brought anything...even a bag of diapers. Then he started seeing her less and less often....it has been 2 weeks now since he last saw her.
I don't trust him with our daughter either so, in a way, I'm glad he does not come around. However, there is the other side of me that is very sad that a man who claims to love his daughter so much does not even come to see her. I guess all that is quacking just like everything else that comes out of his mouth. Quack..quack...quack. Unless he stops drinking for good, he will never be active in his daughters' lives.
I will file for child support and, as far as custody, I currently have sole custody of our daughter due to the fact we never got married. We ended up putting our wedding off twice for various reasons...now that I look back, it was all related to his drinking. I am so glad we never got married!
Thanks for your post!
My XASO used to see our daughter every other day for 15 minutes at a time too, but he nevr brought anything...even a bag of diapers. Then he started seeing her less and less often....it has been 2 weeks now since he last saw her.
I don't trust him with our daughter either so, in a way, I'm glad he does not come around. However, there is the other side of me that is very sad that a man who claims to love his daughter so much does not even come to see her. I guess all that is quacking just like everything else that comes out of his mouth. Quack..quack...quack. Unless he stops drinking for good, he will never be active in his daughters' lives.
I will file for child support and, as far as custody, I currently have sole custody of our daughter due to the fact we never got married. We ended up putting our wedding off twice for various reasons...now that I look back, it was all related to his drinking. I am so glad we never got married!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I think its always a good idea to get the courts to order child support. They will also enforce it (mostly). Ask to have the support taken directly from his pay to avoid having to do the chasing down yourself also.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Funny how this cycle of enabling/alcoholic perpetuates...Hellma...I could have written your post. My AH and I lived together for years, and never once did he split anything with me 50/50. He would contribute to groceries or our entertainment, but I carried the house. Major economic responsibilities were always mine.
However, I realize now that although his self-centeredness is a part of the disease of alcoholism that is his problem, the self-matyrism and enabling is a part of the disease of co-dependence which is my problem. Since I made more money and he paid child support (forcibly garnished), I "never wanted to leave him short" because I felt that a man needs money in his pocket. Besides, I rationalized that his paying for entertainment was a way that I could feel good because I fooled myself into believing he was spoiling me.
What a joke. I can't tell you how much money I am wasted keeping everything together while he threw me a scrap every once in a while. When we finally broke the CD that we invested into after his mother died and left us a little, I gave him almost all of it (again I rationalized it was his mother's money)...know what? He NEVER put one thing back into our house. He never bought me anything. Instead he spent it on tattoos, vacations, boozing and drugging with his other woman.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hang in there and stay strong!
However, I realize now that although his self-centeredness is a part of the disease of alcoholism that is his problem, the self-matyrism and enabling is a part of the disease of co-dependence which is my problem. Since I made more money and he paid child support (forcibly garnished), I "never wanted to leave him short" because I felt that a man needs money in his pocket. Besides, I rationalized that his paying for entertainment was a way that I could feel good because I fooled myself into believing he was spoiling me.
What a joke. I can't tell you how much money I am wasted keeping everything together while he threw me a scrap every once in a while. When we finally broke the CD that we invested into after his mother died and left us a little, I gave him almost all of it (again I rationalized it was his mother's money)...know what? He NEVER put one thing back into our house. He never bought me anything. Instead he spent it on tattoos, vacations, boozing and drugging with his other woman.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hang in there and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
My ABF pays for all the groceries and the vitamines and even occassionally gives me some extra.
He did lend some money from me a few years ago but he paid it all back.
He is however very negligiant with paying online stores and such.
I guess he chooses who to behave with as a bum.
He did lend some money from me a few years ago but he paid it all back.
He is however very negligiant with paying online stores and such.
I guess he chooses who to behave with as a bum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
File for support. if nothing else put all the money away for her college education.
I am getting very minimal support from my STBXAH as he wants to "share" bills. Nevermind that he argues about a notebook for school that cost 1.38. He even tries to guilt me into feeling bad for the amount that he may have to pay for child support. this from a guy who hasnt had a drink in a year. the selfishness never ends.
File for the support. do it for the child.
I am getting very minimal support from my STBXAH as he wants to "share" bills. Nevermind that he argues about a notebook for school that cost 1.38. He even tries to guilt me into feeling bad for the amount that he may have to pay for child support. this from a guy who hasnt had a drink in a year. the selfishness never ends.
File for the support. do it for the child.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
spontaneous purchases yeah, I remember that one. Even if multiple 20.00 overdraft charges accrue. Far be it from me to question the deity purchase decisions. often for alcohol purchases
Originally Posted by Lizziesd
My XAB was very functional which is why I didnt pick up on his problem at first. He paid his bills on time, etc. However, he did have a lot of spontaneous purchases and I mean big purchases, but it was always for himself. Whenever It came to buying something for someone else, including me, it required thought and yeah, if he really felt like it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
