Should I leave hubby?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 4
Should I leave hubby?
I told my husband (who says he wants to quit the codeine) that I was leaving. After not wanting to give me his medicine so I could dole it out to him, he finally did. However, I am not. I am in a confused state of mind. He said if I leave then he wants the fiorinal back. AHHHHH! My gut tells me to continue to look for apts. I'm telling myself the house is materialistic and not a home if no one is happy...anyone know what I mean? The saga continues. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Alja)))
Welcome to SR!
Only you can decide whether to leave him, and it sounds like you've already made the decision.
The only ones we have control over in a relationship is US. We can't make them get clean, and if they only do it to appeas us, it won't last.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I've had to hit bottom in BOTH situations, and once I did, I knew what I needed to do. I'm clean, the ex boyfriend is still active and presently in jail. I haven't seen him in over a year, but he's begging for "another chance". It's not going to happen, because I hit bottom with him.
Read other posts here, and keep posting. There are some wonderful people here with a ton of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
Only you can decide whether to leave him, and it sounds like you've already made the decision.
The only ones we have control over in a relationship is US. We can't make them get clean, and if they only do it to appeas us, it won't last.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I've had to hit bottom in BOTH situations, and once I did, I knew what I needed to do. I'm clean, the ex boyfriend is still active and presently in jail. I haven't seen him in over a year, but he's begging for "another chance". It's not going to happen, because I hit bottom with him.
Read other posts here, and keep posting. There are some wonderful people here with a ton of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 5
...I do! I do!...my situation is a little different. I am living with someone who has taken steps towards fixing himself..not quite there yet, but has finaly admitted his problem, and wants to stop. (ok...so maybe not so different afterall
........We have a child together and I am a stay at home Mom. We moved here for is job, and I have no family or close friends close by. My daughter starts school in September, and I'm not sure what to do either. I don't want to take her out of school, and uproot her again. That's my exscuse anyway. I suppose the truth is...I'm just not happy, but too scared to let go. I don't want to leave him, but I am also confused, because I don't know that anything will ever change for the better if I stay. Maybe he can't get the help he needs for himself with me here. And ,right now, going through this, we don't have much of a relationship anyway. We don't talk (he has nothing to say), sleep in seperate rooms, and I feel so stressed, and can't seem to 'detach' myself enough from his problem the way I need to in order to better myself, and the situation for our daughter and I. I don't really know what to do either. Like U, I am at the stage where, my gut tells me I should start fining another place for us...but I'm just not there yet. Leaving would mean having to face being a single Mom again, and not knowing where to go to, with no support around, and no idea what I want to do. I know I need to figure these things out for myself, regardless if I stay with him or not...but ...just don't know where to start. Feels sort of like an addict in a way...I want out of this downward spiral, but feel this certain hoplesness;not knowing which step to take next or how to take it.,so jsut slipping further into the dark instead..'cause it's easier. I keep saying to myself...if only he didn't ever try these things, if only we were enough for him...I can't help but hold on to what might have been. I know it's silly, that it's not about us, that I can't change him, only me. I KNOW this, yet still. like U...am so confused and lost. ...I really Feel for U, and hOpe that One day soon we can find the courage to stand on our own feet (whatever that may mean for each of us)...I think, right now, I am just going to try to focus on getting our daughter into school, and getting back out there myself, finding work, and gaining back some of my independence. Make new friends...get back to ME. I keep thinking I just need to try to 'detach' from him and his problem emotionaly anyways. I know it's sOOOO hard , especialy when U'r living with them. ....LONG story short (sorry for the length btw....I'm sorry I don't really have any concrete advise for U, but please know I DO know what U mean!........so happy to have found this place...feel a little more connected and a little less lost. ...any time U feel like talking, don't be a stranger ........Thanks for sharing~and All the best to U! ~
........We have a child together and I am a stay at home Mom. We moved here for is job, and I have no family or close friends close by. My daughter starts school in September, and I'm not sure what to do either. I don't want to take her out of school, and uproot her again. That's my exscuse anyway. I suppose the truth is...I'm just not happy, but too scared to let go. I don't want to leave him, but I am also confused, because I don't know that anything will ever change for the better if I stay. Maybe he can't get the help he needs for himself with me here. And ,right now, going through this, we don't have much of a relationship anyway. We don't talk (he has nothing to say), sleep in seperate rooms, and I feel so stressed, and can't seem to 'detach' myself enough from his problem the way I need to in order to better myself, and the situation for our daughter and I. I don't really know what to do either. Like U, I am at the stage where, my gut tells me I should start fining another place for us...but I'm just not there yet. Leaving would mean having to face being a single Mom again, and not knowing where to go to, with no support around, and no idea what I want to do. I know I need to figure these things out for myself, regardless if I stay with him or not...but ...just don't know where to start. Feels sort of like an addict in a way...I want out of this downward spiral, but feel this certain hoplesness;not knowing which step to take next or how to take it.,so jsut slipping further into the dark instead..'cause it's easier. I keep saying to myself...if only he didn't ever try these things, if only we were enough for him...I can't help but hold on to what might have been. I know it's silly, that it's not about us, that I can't change him, only me. I KNOW this, yet still. like U...am so confused and lost. ...I really Feel for U, and hOpe that One day soon we can find the courage to stand on our own feet (whatever that may mean for each of us)...I think, right now, I am just going to try to focus on getting our daughter into school, and getting back out there myself, finding work, and gaining back some of my independence. Make new friends...get back to ME. I keep thinking I just need to try to 'detach' from him and his problem emotionaly anyways. I know it's sOOOO hard , especialy when U'r living with them. ....LONG story short (sorry for the length btw....I'm sorry I don't really have any concrete advise for U, but please know I DO know what U mean!........so happy to have found this place...feel a little more connected and a little less lost. ...any time U feel like talking, don't be a stranger ........Thanks for sharing~and All the best to U! ~
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I tell ya I would go insane if I tried to monitor the dosage of any of the addicts in my life. I think addicts or the addiction really loves it when we think we are controlling their dose.
No matter how I involve myself with the activities of the addicts in my life I end up setting myself up for complete misery. Addicts manipulate and lie and will do just about anything to obtain their high. They know how to lead me to feel I am helping them get clean. Oh no I absolutely cannot do that especially if it is my intention to remain sane.
I have managed to keep my family of origin from messing up my daily life and I am working on getting my H out of my life. All of them have brought extremely negative yucky stuff into my life. My downfall is not recognizing it and responding in the best interest of myself....
No matter how I involve myself with the activities of the addicts in my life I end up setting myself up for complete misery. Addicts manipulate and lie and will do just about anything to obtain their high. They know how to lead me to feel I am helping them get clean. Oh no I absolutely cannot do that especially if it is my intention to remain sane.
I have managed to keep my family of origin from messing up my daily life and I am working on getting my H out of my life. All of them have brought extremely negative yucky stuff into my life. My downfall is not recognizing it and responding in the best interest of myself....
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
you sound like you know what to do.
it's hard to make a big move, you're not alone,
ask yourself, what will my life be like if i go?
can i live with addiction or do I want to try and find some serenity?
good luck
it's hard to make a big move, you're not alone,
ask yourself, what will my life be like if i go?
can i live with addiction or do I want to try and find some serenity?
good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Alja, It's so hard for me to understand why anyone would stay with an addict that makes life miserable. It's my son and a cocaine habit that we're dealing with. That hurts enough. You'll find your way when your ready and if not I hope and pray for you that things change. Hugs, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave. I left. He didn't ask me to dole it out, he just didn't make the decision to recover. There are plenty of recovering addicts who are still in chronic pain - worse pain (I'm assuming) than what my AH experiences, and are managing to find another way because not being an addict is more important to them - to live clearly, and live with the ones they love.
Face to face meeting in Alanon or Naranon would help, have you gone? In my case, going to NA meetings actually helped me more. Because my AH kept telling me he had quit, and who knows what all else - my friend and boss took me into the rooms with him so I could see what recovering addicts "look and act like". For me, I needed to keep seeing the contrast from what I heard (quacking) and what recovery really looks like! There are so many resources - here is one of the best - to help us find our way for ourselves.
So many times, as you have probably read as you read around, our active A's will say something like, if I don't have you (or you and the kids) then I have no reason to quit... Emotional blackmail. If he wants to quit, then he does - with or without you. Setting up excuses to use is just that - excuses.
Boundaries. Realistic boundaries that you are ready to follow-thru with! Focus on what YOU need for your sanity and your happiness. It's hard to do when you're busy focusing on someone else and their problems, problems which you have no control over. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The only person you can do any of those things for is yourself!
Hugs to you -
Face to face meeting in Alanon or Naranon would help, have you gone? In my case, going to NA meetings actually helped me more. Because my AH kept telling me he had quit, and who knows what all else - my friend and boss took me into the rooms with him so I could see what recovering addicts "look and act like". For me, I needed to keep seeing the contrast from what I heard (quacking) and what recovery really looks like! There are so many resources - here is one of the best - to help us find our way for ourselves.
So many times, as you have probably read as you read around, our active A's will say something like, if I don't have you (or you and the kids) then I have no reason to quit... Emotional blackmail. If he wants to quit, then he does - with or without you. Setting up excuses to use is just that - excuses.
Boundaries. Realistic boundaries that you are ready to follow-thru with! Focus on what YOU need for your sanity and your happiness. It's hard to do when you're busy focusing on someone else and their problems, problems which you have no control over. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The only person you can do any of those things for is yourself!
Hugs to you -
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