respektingme

Speaking mathematically, I have a sum. A sum that exists from a series of constants. One part is his children and mother, another part is his drinking mind and another part is me. The sum is hatred and resentment towards me.

We've been married for almost 16 years. I didn't realize (and his family would never believe) how much alcoholism has played a key role in his thinking all these years until the past year or two.

It explains so much. It explains why he resented me, why he tore me down to his family, why he needed and longed for approval from them (at my expense much of the time), and why he has created total chaos between us all these years. He'd argue that he has been trying to "build bridges", when he's only ever ramped up the drama.

So, now his 3 children are "adults". They still believe he's Mr. Good Guy and I'm the evil witch. They have no idea they were played, that they were used in a twisted effort to boost his self-esteem when he was home drinking himself into stupors because they didn't live with us. I got hung out to dry as the reason he drinks. In fact, one time his oldest daughter came right out and asked me if I think he drinks because of me. None of them have been to Al-Anon so they have no idea.

Now I'm doing what is best for me , and that is not going with him to visit. They have started to notice since I haven't been there this year. And consequently, (I know some will argue this is controlling) I'm not about to let him take our kids with him until he's been sober 6-12 months. His family are all welcome to come here anytime, they just don't (shows me how much they really want to see our kids, they live 4 hours away). I don't know when I'll agree to go there. I'm not trying to make a statement. I'm just doing what gives me peace. Nothing changes unless you change it.

AH is going there this weekend. He's really been doing a good job at working his program for the past 5 weeks. Since he's new to sobriety, he's a little confused as to what to tell them about why the kids and I won't be there. Knowing that he has absolutely screwed up every attempt to speak on my behalf and only incited them more, I suggested that he not address their complaints by attempting to speak for me. That leaves him clueless as to what to say. So he concluded that he'll tell them if they want answers to call me and speak to me directly. That gave me knots in my stomach. I don't want to speak to them either. So I told him noooooo, that's not going to work. The bottom line is, they can not behave with civility towards me and I'm through hoping their behavior will change. And he has never stopped drinking, so that hasn't changed. I'm sick of it. Why does he keep wanting me to have to explain to them that I'm sick of their behavior? Or he continues to feed them excuses for why I'm being a bitch? They all live in complete denial and all have explosive tempers. They never admit fault, never apologize and they don't accept criticism.

I just don't know what to tell him. I think the best thing he can do is keep his mouth shut and refuse to discuss me at all. I know that will leave them with even more questions because he can't tell them the truth. And I really don't care what he tells them. Undoubtedly whatever he does will only add fuel to the fire. But when they don't get sufficient answers from him, they will address me and I worry about how I will respond. I don't want drama from them, I want them not to cause knots in my gut anymore. Distance seems to be my only option. But the more I change and find solitude from keeping my distance, the more of a statement I seem to be making and the drama seems to be mounting again. I feel like I'm in a damn spider's web.

Ultimately, if would be soooooooooooo nice if my DH really spoke the truth. It would be sooooo nice if he'd tell them that many of his actions over the years have been fueled by his alcoholic brain and that he's helped to create total chaos in this family, and that he's completely disrespected me and fueled them to disrespect me also, and that he simply can't tolerate it anymore and he's done hurting me or allowing his family to do so either. It just never happens. He's working his program right now, and so early on that means he's removing himself from the drama he's created. It doesn't include trying to fix anything. Maybe someday that will come.

Till then, I still feel like I don't know what to do as far as responding to any of them.

theotherone

I do not speak to my In-laws...I find it easier for me. They too believe I am the evil b#&@* who creates the problem in everyone's lives. They too are still in denial along with my A.

I need to do what makes me happy...I struggled with trying to explain our life and their interference. I realized I did not cause the chaos, I cannot control them and I cannot cure their behavior. They choose to ignore the elephant in the room because they do not have to live with it on a daily basis, yet they still get satisfaction in fueling the fire. In the end the fire will turn on them, when they have to deal with it.

I can only be content with the positive changes in my life and protect my kids from what I can. I've decided I don't have to explain myself to any of them. They can believe what they want and continue to bury their heads in the sand and blame me as they always have. It no longer controls my life.

Believe it or not...you are slightly luckier than me...mine are only 20 minutes away!

Barbara52

Yup. And if he can't do that, well, he can deal with the consequences of whatever lies he chooses to tell. I ahve to question how much he is actually in recovery if he cannot be truthful with his family. I would think honesty is part of any recovery program.


As I see it, it's perfectly ok to say "I don't want to discuss it." No one is required to discuss anything with anyone they don't want to.

Bernadette

Hi Respekt--

He could just say "Respekt and the kids aren't coming today. We've discussed it and I'm OK with it, and I don't really want to talk about it. Next subject." If they press him he can firmly state "Leave it. It's a private matter between me and my wife." He's telling the truth and opting out of any drama.

Could he ask his sponsor for some tips?

Respekt you're doing the right thing for you and your kids so try to detach from the outcome. What his relatives, who you say are still active alcoholics, think of you and your decisions really does not matter. And your H, who is still learning how to live life as a sober person, has to pick his way through these emotional minefields on his own.

Peace,
B.