Almost 4 weeks, and his resentment is baccckkkk
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Almost 4 weeks, and his resentment is baccckkkk
He'll have an entire month of sobriety next Wednesday. And man has it been nice around here. The kids seem at peace. We've been happy and at peace. AH seems to have pulled his head out of his butt for once regarding not trying to control me anymore.
That was until his mother got on him about the dreaded "holidays". Joy, joy, joy. I've never ever met a person more up in everyone else's business than his mother. She tries to manipulate everyone like puppets. She's a master at control. She was raised by a raging alcoholic and her current husband is a raging alcoholic. Thank goodness she got saved at 14, so she has all the answers and the bible to back them up. It's just been a nightmare, particularly holidays, for the past 15 years. I've never gone there once and had a good time. There has never been some sort of incident where at least one of his family members passed on the the opportunity to remind me I'm an outcast. And it can happen right in front of my AH and he'll pretend not to notice. And I think my MIL relishes in it actually.
However, his mother reallllllllly wants us to come for Thanksgiving so the whole family can be together. Yeah, that's what I always hear. And no, nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. So, his jaw has been set since yesterday. We hashed it out for a while and I still don't think he has ever once listened to my side of not wanting to go there. He absolutely overlooks everything I say. All he knows is that his mother has sent him on a directive and he must obey. When we were talking about it, and he was being a smart-ass and repeated what he "heard", which isn't what I said, just an attempt to minimize/deny/reject my concerns as usual, it occurred to me that he was quacking. I read it just the other day. This is what alcoholics do. They see what they want and steamroll everyone to get it. He won't listen to me.
So, the kids and I aren't going. I stopped arguing with the duck. So much for his sober hat being on. All it would have ever taken for MY husband to do, just once, would have been to stand up for me and set a boundary for them. Nope, was always just easier to make me eat it.
Anyway, I'm pleased with standing my ground. And I will refuse to discuss it with any of his family members directly either. If he can't listen to his own wife, then I'm not going to supplement his lack of hearing by relaying my message to his drama queens. They act out, period. I'm over it, period. They ever learn to act like responsible, mature adults, than we can be around each other. And, oddly enough, none of them act out when they are visiting here, which is probably why they insist we go there!
The one thing I've learned this past few days though is this. Our son, who struggles with social awkwardness, has been so mellow and relaxed and positive over the past 3 weeks. Even when he started into 6th grade, he has just been doing great. Then when my AH decided to take me to task over his mother's Thanksgiving trap, the tension returned into our house. And oddly enough, our son was in a terrible mood today, all day. He was rude to me and treated me as my AH was, cold and selfish.
Just another light bulb going off. Although AH and I might not fight too much outwardly, the shift in the tension level and lack of love just over the past 2 days has been noticed by my kids. I was naive to think they didn't or wouldn't notice.
I'm just not willing to forego my sanity, happiness and self-respect anymore to visit his family when they have absolutely no self-control. I doubt they will change, but that's not up to me to change them. And I had hoped my DH had changed, but apparently change is difficult so he's reverting back to me being the enemy. And he may be drunk tonight or sometime this week. But I made my decision.
Funny, because someone I know was recently telling me that neither she nor her husband has spoken to his mother in the past 8 years. Why? Because his mother treated his wife poorly and he wouldn't stand for it. But he's also not an alcoholic. Me, me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. :chatter
That was until his mother got on him about the dreaded "holidays". Joy, joy, joy. I've never ever met a person more up in everyone else's business than his mother. She tries to manipulate everyone like puppets. She's a master at control. She was raised by a raging alcoholic and her current husband is a raging alcoholic. Thank goodness she got saved at 14, so she has all the answers and the bible to back them up. It's just been a nightmare, particularly holidays, for the past 15 years. I've never gone there once and had a good time. There has never been some sort of incident where at least one of his family members passed on the the opportunity to remind me I'm an outcast. And it can happen right in front of my AH and he'll pretend not to notice. And I think my MIL relishes in it actually.
However, his mother reallllllllly wants us to come for Thanksgiving so the whole family can be together. Yeah, that's what I always hear. And no, nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. So, his jaw has been set since yesterday. We hashed it out for a while and I still don't think he has ever once listened to my side of not wanting to go there. He absolutely overlooks everything I say. All he knows is that his mother has sent him on a directive and he must obey. When we were talking about it, and he was being a smart-ass and repeated what he "heard", which isn't what I said, just an attempt to minimize/deny/reject my concerns as usual, it occurred to me that he was quacking. I read it just the other day. This is what alcoholics do. They see what they want and steamroll everyone to get it. He won't listen to me.
So, the kids and I aren't going. I stopped arguing with the duck. So much for his sober hat being on. All it would have ever taken for MY husband to do, just once, would have been to stand up for me and set a boundary for them. Nope, was always just easier to make me eat it.
Anyway, I'm pleased with standing my ground. And I will refuse to discuss it with any of his family members directly either. If he can't listen to his own wife, then I'm not going to supplement his lack of hearing by relaying my message to his drama queens. They act out, period. I'm over it, period. They ever learn to act like responsible, mature adults, than we can be around each other. And, oddly enough, none of them act out when they are visiting here, which is probably why they insist we go there!
The one thing I've learned this past few days though is this. Our son, who struggles with social awkwardness, has been so mellow and relaxed and positive over the past 3 weeks. Even when he started into 6th grade, he has just been doing great. Then when my AH decided to take me to task over his mother's Thanksgiving trap, the tension returned into our house. And oddly enough, our son was in a terrible mood today, all day. He was rude to me and treated me as my AH was, cold and selfish.
Just another light bulb going off. Although AH and I might not fight too much outwardly, the shift in the tension level and lack of love just over the past 2 days has been noticed by my kids. I was naive to think they didn't or wouldn't notice.
I'm just not willing to forego my sanity, happiness and self-respect anymore to visit his family when they have absolutely no self-control. I doubt they will change, but that's not up to me to change them. And I had hoped my DH had changed, but apparently change is difficult so he's reverting back to me being the enemy. And he may be drunk tonight or sometime this week. But I made my decision.
Funny, because someone I know was recently telling me that neither she nor her husband has spoken to his mother in the past 8 years. Why? Because his mother treated his wife poorly and he wouldn't stand for it. But he's also not an alcoholic. Me, me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. :chatter
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You should do what is best for you, and if that means not going there, then don't go there.
They may be right or wrong, your AH may be right or wrong, none of it matters because you cannot control any of them. The only person you have control over is you. Take that job very seriously and leave the others to themselves. That is the best example you can set for your kids.
L
They may be right or wrong, your AH may be right or wrong, none of it matters because you cannot control any of them. The only person you have control over is you. Take that job very seriously and leave the others to themselves. That is the best example you can set for your kids.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey There respektingme ---
You might want to remind your husband regarding 'marriage' and 'husbands' and 'wives'...................AND mothers-in-law.....espceially since, you say....:
"...Thank goodness she got saved at 14, so she has all the answers and the bible to back them up..."
OK, let's just take quick peek into that bible..... in Genesis, Chapter 2, my Bible has written the following....:
Gen 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
Gen 2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
Gen 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I sounds like your husband still wants to be the little boy of his mommy and has forgotten to 'leave his father and mother and cleave (stick cling, adhere, abide, be joined together) to you, his wife, as you have [I'm taking a leap of faith here and presuming you HAVE done what I'm about to write.... (o: ] left your father and mother and are cleaving (sticking clinging, adhering, abiding, being joined together) with him, your husband.
I hope you haven't taken offense to anything I've said here; I truly don't mean to, but it seems I offend some folks, more often than not....(I forget who said it, but it is said that we Americans may all live together, but we seem to be separated by a common language....lol).....
Although I did say a lot here with my tongue sort of in my cheek, I am also serious....I take marriage seriously, and in-laws can create a serious ***** in the marriage armor.....
Here's positive thought and prayers goin' up fer you, and your husband, even your mother-in-law.....and all those involved........... (o:
NoelleR
You might want to remind your husband regarding 'marriage' and 'husbands' and 'wives'...................AND mothers-in-law.....espceially since, you say....:
"...Thank goodness she got saved at 14, so she has all the answers and the bible to back them up..."
OK, let's just take quick peek into that bible..... in Genesis, Chapter 2, my Bible has written the following....:
Gen 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
Gen 2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
Gen 2:23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
I sounds like your husband still wants to be the little boy of his mommy and has forgotten to 'leave his father and mother and cleave (stick cling, adhere, abide, be joined together) to you, his wife, as you have [I'm taking a leap of faith here and presuming you HAVE done what I'm about to write.... (o: ] left your father and mother and are cleaving (sticking clinging, adhering, abiding, being joined together) with him, your husband.
I hope you haven't taken offense to anything I've said here; I truly don't mean to, but it seems I offend some folks, more often than not....(I forget who said it, but it is said that we Americans may all live together, but we seem to be separated by a common language....lol).....
Although I did say a lot here with my tongue sort of in my cheek, I am also serious....I take marriage seriously, and in-laws can create a serious ***** in the marriage armor.....
Here's positive thought and prayers goin' up fer you, and your husband, even your mother-in-law.....and all those involved........... (o:
NoelleR
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LaTeeDa, thanks. I know you are right. Amazingly, he called his sponsor and went to a meeting and his attitude got much better later. He really does seem to be working his program. But you're right. I used to fear what his family would say about me, how they might influence others to hate me, how they could come between us. None of that matters anymore. They can't behave. Their problem, not mine. I have so much more peace when I don't deal with them.
Noelle, we're believers. But I've learned that you can't argue the bible with people like this. They don't listen, period. They simply wait for their turn to show you more scripture to back up their side while you are talking. And I don't argue the bible with anyone anyway.
Noelle, we're believers. But I've learned that you can't argue the bible with people like this. They don't listen, period. They simply wait for their turn to show you more scripture to back up their side while you are talking. And I don't argue the bible with anyone anyway.
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Originally Posted by NoelleR 
Hey There respektingme ---
You might want to remind your husband regarding 'marriage' and 'husbands' and 'wives'...................AND mothers-in-law.....
You might want to remind your husband regarding 'marriage' and 'husbands' and 'wives'...................AND mothers-in-law.....
As a recovering codependent, I have learned that "reminding" others, especially alcoholics, of their roles and responsibilities is part of my problem. Not only does it not do any good, it buys me a one-way ticket to the Land of Insanity.
Maybe sharing a story about how you "reminded" an alcoholic of something and it worked for you in a positive way would help. Otherwise, I think this advice is counterproductive.
I know you are a recovering alcoholic who sometimes likes to post over here on F&F. But, I'm curious. Do you have a loved one who is alcoholic? Do you have a desire to overcome codependence? Do you go to Alanon?
L
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I love your rant only because it sounds like me many years ago. I'm an alcoholic and wanted help and I got served divorce papers and did it suck!!!! I am glad however that my XH did serve me the divorce papers. I had tried to stop drinking through AA meetings but nothing else had changed in my life. "If nothing changes, nothing changes" and I needed to do a lot more than stop drinking and I was so buried in being sick about everything.
I can tell you this much (because you know, now the XH would like for us to be able to start over again, be a family........his mother lives two doors down from the house), you know what? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! For me to even play with that idea, I might as well pick up another drink. I learned so much about myself and I need to take care of me first.
I know that your husband is the one with the "problem" however, you play a part in all of this too and you ABSOLUTELY need to be able to take care of yourself. I really wish you the best. I totally get why they say when you're getting sober it's best if you're not in a relationship, it makes so much sense to me. Put the focus on you.
I love this icon -------> :chatter LOL!!!!!
I can tell you this much (because you know, now the XH would like for us to be able to start over again, be a family........his mother lives two doors down from the house), you know what? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! For me to even play with that idea, I might as well pick up another drink. I learned so much about myself and I need to take care of me first.
I know that your husband is the one with the "problem" however, you play a part in all of this too and you ABSOLUTELY need to be able to take care of yourself. I really wish you the best. I totally get why they say when you're getting sober it's best if you're not in a relationship, it makes so much sense to me. Put the focus on you.
I love this icon -------> :chatter LOL!!!!!
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
NoelleR,
As a recovering codependent, I have learned that "reminding" others, especially alcoholics, of their roles and responsibilities is part of my problem. Not only does it not do any good, it buys me a one-way ticket to the Land of Insanity.
Maybe sharing a story about how you "reminded" an alcoholic of something and it worked for you in a positive way would help. Otherwise, I think this advice is counterproductive.
I know you are a recovering alcoholic who sometimes likes to post over here on F&F. But, I'm curious. Do you have a loved one who is alcoholic? Do you have a desire to overcome codependence? Do you go to Alanon?
L
As a recovering codependent, I have learned that "reminding" others, especially alcoholics, of their roles and responsibilities is part of my problem. Not only does it not do any good, it buys me a one-way ticket to the Land of Insanity.
Maybe sharing a story about how you "reminded" an alcoholic of something and it worked for you in a positive way would help. Otherwise, I think this advice is counterproductive.
I know you are a recovering alcoholic who sometimes likes to post over here on F&F. But, I'm curious. Do you have a loved one who is alcoholic? Do you have a desire to overcome codependence? Do you go to Alanon?
L
My SO and I had been together for a while when I noticed that I was not being invited to ‘family’ get-togethers. In fact, in some cases it was specifically stated that I was NOT to come. Well, I sat down with my SO and we talked, and I told them that they could either be ‘with me’ or they could be with their family (I did not use any scriptural references as these folks were not religious in any way), but that these actions were not acceptable to me, and I would not live like that....We came to agreement, and the SO went to the family and they had their little confab.....they did come back with the response (BS to me) that I probably wouldn’t want to come anyway, so that’s why they didn’t invite me (to which I replied that I should have been given the opportunity to decline gracefully..... Since that time, I have been invited, and most times I thanked them for the invite, but gracefully declined.....now, I did attend some of the get-togethers, and over time we even became ’friends’ (well, maybe not friends, but not enemies....lol).....this particular SO and I are no longer together, but, after some 35+ years, we are still very close friends; we talk 2-3 times a week, and we see each other 4-5 times a year, sometimes even vacationing together (along with their current SO---just one big happy family.....lol).....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOW-----I didn’t realize I had to defend myself , or that one had to ‘qualify’ to post responses/suggestions in this thread.....but if so, here goes....I don’t know any recovering/recovered alcoholics/addicts who would not qualify -- they all have friends and/or family who are alcoholics and/or addicts......but I believe many al-anoner’s/nar-anoner’s don’t hold with this definition, so I guess I’ll go into a li’ll detail.....My mother drank alcoholically (I don’t call anyone an alcoholic/addict; I believe that’s up to them, and not me) -- although she stopped for about 15 years when we had to go and live with her mother (a teetotaler--her house; her rules). When she died (her mother/my grandmother) my mom went into full throttle drinking.....heck, even at my best, she could out drink me. And then, in her late 70’s early 80’s she quit.....so, yes I know what it’s like to live with an active person who drinks alcoholically.....My father was also an alcoholic (diagnosed by his doctor); he died in his 60’s after having lost a good deal of his stomach and liver (and what was left was hard as nails).....I didn’t know my father, but when I met him when I was 19, I was supposed to spend the summer with him, both in NYC and his summer place on Lake George.....after two weeks at the summer place I’d had enough.....and told him so; his actions and words were unacceptable to me, and my boundaries were being crossed.....so I left.....Of course there are many other family members who could be called alcoholics, but I figure these two will do for now......
“...I have learned that "reminding" others, especially alcoholics, of their roles and responsibilities is part of my problem. Not only does it not do any good, it buys me a one-way ticket to the Land of Insanity...” --- I see this as part of my recovery.....not to change them, but to get it out.....and it gives me a ticket to a sane/serene life.
“...Do you have a desire to overcome codependence? Do you go to Alanon?..” --- Early on in recovery I went to some ACOA, CODA, and Alanon meetings, and read their books/pamphlets, but they just weren’t for me.....I realized that as an active alcoholic/addict I was all these things (people pleaser to the max), but today I’ve learned that as long as I work at my recovery; keep my side of the street clean; I have no problems with anyone.....I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms, and I let others live their lives as their own; I set my boundaries, and I live content within them, along with the greater part of the world at large.
“...Noelle, we're believers. But I've learned that you can't argue the bible with people like this. They don't listen, period. They simply wait for their turn to show you more scripture to back up their side while you are talking. And I don't argue the bible with anyone anyway...” --- You’re absolutely right; I don’t argue religion with anyone (that’s so obviously a waste of everybody’s time), but for my own peace of mind, I do make my statement.....and leave it at that.....I certainly don’t play ‘dueling scriptures’ with anyone; that’s not a tune I care to dance to.
I hope I’ve answered most of the ’questions’ here. I live my life to the best of my ability; happy, joyous, and free (content/serene) -- all the while trying not to keep others from doing the same (I’m sorry, but I just don’t see the sense of having miserable experiences with others for 15 years -- to me that’s counter productive for everyone involved)....and, yes, there are still alcoholics/addicts in my life; some active, most in recovery....we all have our boundaries, and we all try to respect those of others.
Noelle
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Thanks for the clarification. I see where your coming from regarding "reminding." I guess I found the advice counterproductive since I have followed Respektingme's story and am aware that she has "reminded" her husband about this a lot. So, I feel it is counterproductive to repeatedly remind an A of something if they already know how you feel about it. I did this way too much in my marriage, so that's where I was coming from.
L
L
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