our2jz

I've been with my husband for 11 years. He has always been an alcoholic. For the first 8-9 years his drink of choice was Yukon Jack. He drank it every day. Bottles would be found in every drawer, or cabinet. He tended to get violent when he drank. Then about 2 years ago he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. He quit drinking immediately, and our lives changed drastically. We almost never fought. There was never any violence. He started being more involved with his kids. I was so happy and told him daily. I also told him that I would never go back to living with an active alcoholic again. Unfortunately, after about 1 year of sobriety, I found out he had started to drink again (this was last August). He only drank a little at first, only occasionally (and of course he hid it). I called a lawyer, and told my husband I was leaving him. He begged me to stay, and swore he'd quit. So, of course I took him back. By Christmas he was stumbling around every weekend. He was also on tranquilizers now (which he started taking shortly after he quit drinking). Christmas day I asked him to move out (after he was too hung over to spend Christmas day w/ me & his kids). After a week or so he begged to come back, and I reluctantly let him. At first he was very good, and trying very hard. I wasn't very receptive though, because I didn't feel like I could trust him. This really bothered him, and he eventually started drinking again. He has moved out once again. He has been gone for almost a month. At first he was drinking, because he felt he was "separated" and didn't have to answer to anyone. But he would insist he wanted to come home. I told him that it was amazing to me that his reaction wasn't to quit drinking & prove to me that he could. After that he did stop drinking.He has been calling crying all the time. I feel horrible for him. I think I still love him, but I have no trust or faith in him. I can't tell if my life is falling apart or falling into place. I would love to believe his promises, but I can't, and I don't know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.

EyesOpen

You're describing the classic scenario that we've all been through......again and again.

The truth is, he loves you and he loves alcohol. You're asking him to chose you over the alcohol. No alcholic will do that. They will quit alcohol if AND ONLY IF they decide that the pain of drinking is greater than the pain of not drinking. They have to hit that low point -- come to the point of thinking of alcohol as a bad thing, not their best friend. Sometimes the low point has to be when they've lost everything. Sometimes the low point never comes......and they drink their whole lives.

Sounds like the best thing to help you is to learn about who you are dealing with. It's easy to get deceived into thinking that you're dealing with a rational person when there's not a drink in his hand, but that's not true. Even when they LOOK normal, they're not. Not unless they've gone through getting the alcohol out of their systems for good (like 5+ years) and are actively involved with a program like AA.

I recommend the book "Getting them sober" by Toby Drews. The title is misleading -- it's not really about getting them sober, it's about explaining how to deal with them. They can be very manipulative and play on own emotions, to our downfall. It is an excellent resource.

Another excellent book is "Codependency No More" by Melody Beattie. It'll also explain how to keep from going crazy from being around the craziness of alcoholism.

You're fighting something stronger than you are. No one can come between an alcohic and his poison. Except maybe God, if your A will listen to Him.

Ann

our2js

I am a great believer in the adage "actions speak louder than words". They can talk all they want, and they usually believe themselves what they are saying, but until they take the action needed, it is only talk.

I would give this more time and space, and see if he takes any positive actions over a reasonable length of time. You don't have to make any decisions today. Waiting is an action, and you can wait as long as you want before making any decisions about what you want to do.

In the meantime, keep reading and try going to Al-Anon meetings too. This will help you heal and get your balance so that when the time is right, the answer will clearly come to you.

Sending hugs and prayers.

constant

Hey our2jz,

Take all the time you need to decide. I agree with Ann that actions speak louder than words......and if he does want this then he will do it on his own. In the meantime, learning to recognize co-dependant behaviour and things that should send up red flags will greatly help you.

Keep posting, Constant