Hikeon

I basically drank away my 20's and entered my 30's as an on again, off again drinker. I knew I had to take sobriety seriously or I would be drunk for the rest of my life, if not just on weekends.

I found a few online meetings and there I would often complain about my ABF and my own need to get on with life. A lady there startled me by writing "If you think he's immature, YOU"RE immature, because it takes one to know one".

From that moment on I took becoming an adult seriously. I had hoped my BF would be similarly moved, and here and there he was, but mostly he just did what he had always done. This was years ago, and he is almost exactly the same now as then.

My xab is still in the throws of alcohol addiction, and lives much like a teenager would if he could get away with it.

We are now just friends (we live far away from each other, so we email or occasionally talk on the phone) and that works well for us both. I am very fond of this person and don't mean disrespect to him or anyone reading this.

My question is this: Could alcoholism be rooted in immaturity? How much of a role does immaturity play in this problem/disease? Have any of you been suspicious that a refusal to grow up is the fundamental problem with your loved one?

Barbara52

I would reverse your question for the answer. I think for some immaturity is rooted in alcoholism. Emotional and intellectual devlopment seems to freeze at the age where the alcoholic begins their drinking. I know I seen other post some liks to studies on this very issue.

respektingme

I've read some psych books not necessarily revolving around alcoholism. From what I understand, arrested development can happen for a number of reasons, like a traumatic even or loss in ones life. So, that person just stops growing emotionally at that age. I think therapy is really good for these types.

To a large extent, the same thing happened to me. I used to take pride in the fact that I was "slow to anger", "slow to react" yet when I reacted I could do it with the force of a steamroller. Thought it was because I'm a Taurus. Come to find out, it is/was the Fight or Flight symptoms and oddly enough, that is a sign of arrested development. Oops, lol!!!!

I lived in fear as a young teen so I internalized my rage and fear. Only when I got so cranked up that I stopped caring about any potential consequences did I flip my lid. Well, come to find out, people without this condition pass through this phase into other phases where they learn appropriate ways to express themselves. They learn how to address conflict like an adult, how to not flip their lids, how to communicate effectively with the best outcome, and they have much less baggage left over from resentment. I can't count the number of times that I let my mother-in-law and my stepdaughters treat me like the dirty gum on the bottom of their shoes. I kept my silence and convinced myself I was doing the "right thing" by doing so. That way I was able to justify my reactions to them. In honesty, I was afraid they'd band together and put the heat on my alcoholic husband, who would in turn make my life miserable.

Fear held me back, just as it had my entire life. So, I have been trying to make a concerted effort to speak my mind, with little emotion, so that I can get my point across. I also got on my neighborhood HOA. That has been a great experience for me, because there's never no excitement there, lol. I even got to take part in a questions and answers session with a mob of angry people. Was great practice.

So, bottom line, I would advise you to read some books about arrested development and such. Then try practicing your skills. The more you do, the better you're get. I think anger often comes from not being heard, or having someone get the best of you. You just need to practice and gain confidence in your new found skill, and you'll really feel much better!!

Hikeon

Someone once told me that the average emotional age of a drinker is 14, regardless of their real age. Because that's often the time when people start to drink.

I have no way to know if that is true or not.

It does fit well with a statistic that says if a person starts drinking before 18, they have a 45% higher chance of problem drinking lasting far into adulthood.

Hikeon

We tend to think about the trauma and loss side of things, and for many it's true, but I can't help think there's two sides to that coin. That a good number of A's had very pleasant childhoods that couldn't be lived up to in later teen years or adulthood. Thus the substance abuse. In effect, that's what I suspect my XAB's story is, in part. Of course it becomes much deeper than that as time goes on.

respektingme

My AH would tell you his childhood was perfect!! His mother was a "saint"!! He used to say things about feeling sorry for other people who grew up in divorced homes or abusive homes, because his was just so normal.

16 years later and I know differently. His mother (who, BTW, grew up with a lifelong alcoholic father who drank himself into the grave, and a raging abusive mother) is probably one the all-time most dysfunctional, controlling, manipulative, "religious", mean, spiteful, hateful, self-loathing individuals I have ever met. And she has never outwardly questioned herself ever. She has all the answers, to this very day. She visits and gives her baby boy (almost 50) advice like he's still 5. Her current husband is a raging alcoholic and she tells me how to deal with my AH. And she recently commanded me NOT to tell our 11-yr-old that AH is an alcoholic. She barks orders. She doesn't listen to anyone, ever, not ever.

But my AH will still tell you that she was a perfect mother. And since his father passed away at 51 and I never met him, he became an automatic saint.

For my AH to admit that his childhood had anything to do with his drinking, would mean he'd have to admit that his mother screwed up. And he doesn't want to do that. Hence the reason he wouldn't go to counseling. He KNOWS he has issues, but he hides from them. I think he's probably afraid he'd choke her if he ever faced his issues with her.

I'm sure some people have ideal childhoods and wind up being alcoholics. But I wouldn't assume many people who say their childhoods were perfect are being honest with you or themselves.

Hikeon

I think you're right about people who insist their childhoods were perfect.