Am I a fool?
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Am I a fool?
Sorry for the long post. Blessing to all who read this.
I wrestle alot with what to do with my marriage.
When I came home from a long trip a month ago, he blasted off that he feels something is missing---I am too controlling---He should have a beer from time to time if he wants---He doesn't want anymore children (something he wanted before we married)---on and on....Then a week later, I went to my sister's in NC for her baby shower. While I was up there (we live in FLA), he goes down to the Keys, with someone else, and during a crazy weekend that gets out of hand tries to commit suicide.
After all this, you would think I would leave, right? I mean who else would allow themselves to be treated so poorly?
After his release from his Baker Act (three days and deemed no longer a danger to himself), he comes home. We go to marriage counseling, first together then alone. In our session together, we address the someone else he went to the keys with. He said she is nothing more than a drinking buddy...Through my own investigative work, I find she is some bartender at some dive he hangs out at. Whatever she is is almost moot at this point. We discuss the possibility of separation during session. We discuss our age difference (15 years) and his lack of soberity. When we go alone to session, the therapist tells each of respectively that we should maybe go our own ways. With this news, he suddenly gets freaked out...after he left her office, he gets sauced. However, after that, he tries desparately to make amends...Cooking, cleaning, abstaining (without meetings, of course), and no more phone calls to the "drinking buddy." He keeps talking about for better, for worse...He tries to engage me in conversation. Says that he said all those things to get my attention
I feel torn...I feel so guilty when I think about our separating. I know in my mind that he is not trying to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth over. I also know that in the end, I am going to have nothing but heart ache. He can't stay sober without real help. My heart says something else, I don't want to leave him like this...while he is trying...I also am afraid of the pain that this is going to cause. The long road ahead with separating is difficult. He has no income (applying for SSI) and no family. And the worst part is...I love him. Sorry for the long post...but tell me...am I a fool?
I wrestle alot with what to do with my marriage.
When I came home from a long trip a month ago, he blasted off that he feels something is missing---I am too controlling---He should have a beer from time to time if he wants---He doesn't want anymore children (something he wanted before we married)---on and on....Then a week later, I went to my sister's in NC for her baby shower. While I was up there (we live in FLA), he goes down to the Keys, with someone else, and during a crazy weekend that gets out of hand tries to commit suicide.
After all this, you would think I would leave, right? I mean who else would allow themselves to be treated so poorly?
After his release from his Baker Act (three days and deemed no longer a danger to himself), he comes home. We go to marriage counseling, first together then alone. In our session together, we address the someone else he went to the keys with. He said she is nothing more than a drinking buddy...Through my own investigative work, I find she is some bartender at some dive he hangs out at. Whatever she is is almost moot at this point. We discuss the possibility of separation during session. We discuss our age difference (15 years) and his lack of soberity. When we go alone to session, the therapist tells each of respectively that we should maybe go our own ways. With this news, he suddenly gets freaked out...after he left her office, he gets sauced. However, after that, he tries desparately to make amends...Cooking, cleaning, abstaining (without meetings, of course), and no more phone calls to the "drinking buddy." He keeps talking about for better, for worse...He tries to engage me in conversation. Says that he said all those things to get my attention
I feel torn...I feel so guilty when I think about our separating. I know in my mind that he is not trying to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth over. I also know that in the end, I am going to have nothing but heart ache. He can't stay sober without real help. My heart says something else, I don't want to leave him like this...while he is trying...I also am afraid of the pain that this is going to cause. The long road ahead with separating is difficult. He has no income (applying for SSI) and no family. And the worst part is...I love him. Sorry for the long post...but tell me...am I a fool?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331 
I know in my mind that he is not trying to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth over. I also know that in the end, I am going to have nothing but heart ache. He can't stay sober without real help. My heart says something else, I don't want to leave him like this...while he is trying...I also am afraid of the pain that this is going to cause. The long road ahead with separating is difficult. He has no income (applying for SSI) and no family. And the worst part is...I love him. Sorry for the long post...but tell me...am I a fool?
We base our decisions on our feelings. I feel sad. I feel depressed. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like the A in my life is making me crazy. I had to make some decisions REGARDLESS of my feelings.
I had to look at WHAT IS. That does not mean I don't have feelings or that I deny them or that I repress them. I just had to look at the facts in a detached way. You have pain with him. And, yes, you will have pain if you decide to leave him.
Feeling pain is something we all try to avoid; ultimately we cannot avoid pain any more than we can avoid death. But darned if we don't try! I'd much rather go through the pain I'm feeling now because I know I'm growing without AH being a factor in my life. It feels a whole lot better than allowing his misery and addiction to be factored into my own pain.
No pain, no gain.
Keep in mind, that there is a good chance he could be lying to you. His "friend" may well have been a "fling" while they were down in The Keys boozing it up. I generally suggest if a spouse suspects their partner of cheating on them that they get tested for STD's.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Silverberry,
Not a fool!! Calling ourselves names just is upsetting. Just get the facts straight and move froward from this day. The past is gone you are free in this moment!
I know in my mind that he is not trying to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth over. I also know that in the end, I am going to have nothing but heart ache.
I agree with Prodigal-- there will be pain, no question. You have the right to decide how you want to handle it. If you split it will be painful. If you stay it will be painful. So there's no avoiding the pain! There is only deciding what kind of life YOU want and taking the steps (baby steps maybe at first) to achieve that life.
Only you can decide. This guy is an active alcoholic. He cheated on you. He does not work and is not planning to work for the rest of his life. I imagine you do everything to keep "the home fires burning?" He's a man, an adult, and whether or not you believe it - he will take care of himself if he has to.
You are a woman - an adult - you can only really take care of YOU. So what do YOU want from life? Where do you want to be in 2? 5? 10 years? Those years are gonna come, no matter what you decide to fill each day with. What do you want your days to to be honestly filled with?
You don't have to decide anything TODAY. Take a few days, try to detach from his "quacking" and start imagining your REAL future. Not the future where he changes, or he does this, or he does that - the one where you picture what YOU are doing!
Courage Silverberry-- you're not alone!
Peace,
B.
Not a fool!! Calling ourselves names just is upsetting. Just get the facts straight and move froward from this day. The past is gone you are free in this moment!
I know in my mind that he is not trying to fix the situation, merely trying to smooth over. I also know that in the end, I am going to have nothing but heart ache.
I agree with Prodigal-- there will be pain, no question. You have the right to decide how you want to handle it. If you split it will be painful. If you stay it will be painful. So there's no avoiding the pain! There is only deciding what kind of life YOU want and taking the steps (baby steps maybe at first) to achieve that life.
Only you can decide. This guy is an active alcoholic. He cheated on you. He does not work and is not planning to work for the rest of his life. I imagine you do everything to keep "the home fires burning?" He's a man, an adult, and whether or not you believe it - he will take care of himself if he has to.
You are a woman - an adult - you can only really take care of YOU. So what do YOU want from life? Where do you want to be in 2? 5? 10 years? Those years are gonna come, no matter what you decide to fill each day with. What do you want your days to to be honestly filled with?
You don't have to decide anything TODAY. Take a few days, try to detach from his "quacking" and start imagining your REAL future. Not the future where he changes, or he does this, or he does that - the one where you picture what YOU are doing!
Courage Silverberry-- you're not alone!
Peace,
B.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I had a few thoughts after reading your post.
Do you or have you started to attend Al Anon?
You would probably find it quite helpful.
And the second thought I had, which is a bit random is, have you read that book called 'When Katie Wakes'.
It is a memior of a woman he gets involved with a guy a lot older than her, and he is an abusive alcoholic. The book cuts from her situation now and as she grows up, and her situation with her mother, who was also an abuse alcholic that she took care of.
To cut a long story short, the lady gets a puppy and calls it Katie and beings to take care of it, and in some strange way as her life progress the dog/Katie gives her the self esteem she needs to leave the F**k Wit - excuse the language, but he's pretty awful.
It's a lovely book.
Do you or have you started to attend Al Anon?
You would probably find it quite helpful.
And the second thought I had, which is a bit random is, have you read that book called 'When Katie Wakes'.
It is a memior of a woman he gets involved with a guy a lot older than her, and he is an abusive alcoholic. The book cuts from her situation now and as she grows up, and her situation with her mother, who was also an abuse alcholic that she took care of.
To cut a long story short, the lady gets a puppy and calls it Katie and beings to take care of it, and in some strange way as her life progress the dog/Katie gives her the self esteem she needs to leave the F**k Wit - excuse the language, but he's pretty awful.
It's a lovely book.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
lizw,
that sounds like an interesting book, I like dog books, esp when they save someone.
________________________________
I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
that sounds like an interesting book, I like dog books, esp when they save someone.
________________________________
I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I loved my dog too. After many years of throwing his ball and expecting him to return it, so that I could throw it again, I gave up. When I walked away, he knew and would come running up to me and drop the ball. As soon as I went to pick it up again he would grab it and run again.
Make any sense?
Make any sense?
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Originally Posted by chrisea
lizw,
that sounds like an interesting book, I like dog books, esp when they save someone.
that sounds like an interesting book, I like dog books, esp when they save someone.
About half way through the book, the ABF get a puppy as well and of course expects the lady to look after it - she does everything else for him. But get this, he calls his dog GOD. It's very clever and at the end of the book I balwed my eyes out.
Even now when I think about it, it makes me feel like crying. Not in a sad 'that's awful' kind of way, but in a 'that's so beautiful' kind of way.
I think only those of us who live or have lived in abusive relationships, and with out hope, most of our lives, and then try to change it, appericate the effort and/or the courage we need to do so.
I did wonder if she went to Al Anon too but because of our traditions (personal anonymonity at the level of press, radio and tv) didn't include it.
Here's a link to a review of When Katie Wakes
BookPage Nonfiction Review: When Katie Wakes
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I just wanted to say thank you to all who have answered my posts. I have only been on this site from the day I joined. I found the site, read some stuff, and signed up. This is the first time I have ventured out to discuss this aspect of my life. Funny how I present a different picture to the rest of the world...sometimes, I feel like if I say, "I'm fine" one more time, I am going to go postal. Here, I don't have to say that I'm fine. I can be myself and have no fear. I can admit that things are not fine. Each post has been a treasure to me...your thoughts, your insight, your support, your candidness, everything. Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Silverberry, you may find that you do not have to pretend in the real world either. I know when I finally started talking to people, I had been fooling no one and they already had a very good idea as to what was going on. Perhaps you have some family or friend you can decide to open up to?
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
Funny how I present a different picture to the rest of the world...sometimes, I feel like if I say, "I'm fine" one more time, I am going to go postal.
When it came her time to share she told this story about having this BF who was an alcoholic and how much money she had spent on keeping the relationship going and giving him what he wanted. Then she said, "How can I appear so together to the outside world but feel like such a mess inside?"
And I couldn't have put it better myself. I'd just brought my own house, was running a business, had a lot of friends and had gotten into a new relationship but instead of being happy about this stuff, I felt awful.
It was one of those 'light bulb moments' for me because felt excactly the same.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Lakeview, OR
Posts: 2
I am sorry to hear about your situation, but it sounds very familiar to me. My husband has continuously made promises that he doesn't follow through on, and has a severe addiction to internet porn and alcohol. I want to leave so badly so that I might have a chance at a normal life, but never seem to have the guts to do so. I don't think you are a fool...but unless he is willing to receive help for his addictions, I would hope you would be strong enough to do better for yourself. Unfortunately, I have hit rock bottom many times and still stay, so I cannot say it is an easy decision.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 112
I am sorry you are in this situation 
It is really hard to leave someone you love. I am in the same situation with someone I love right now. My significant other's alcohol abuse is only a small part of the problem, but there are obstacles that make it very painful to have this person in my life. Right now I am experiencing another kind of pain - the pain of missing someone. At least for now I've decided that missing someone is something I can get over (and hopefully find a more constructive relationship in the process). Staying in a bad situation will just prolong the pain of that situation and when it does eventually end I will still have to get over it. So, knowing that the pain of separation is going to happen either way, I am opting out of the pain that additional time in the relationship will bring.
That may not make sense. Either way, everyone's situation is different and nobody can tell you what to do. Good luck and keep posting
It is really hard to leave someone you love. I am in the same situation with someone I love right now. My significant other's alcohol abuse is only a small part of the problem, but there are obstacles that make it very painful to have this person in my life. Right now I am experiencing another kind of pain - the pain of missing someone. At least for now I've decided that missing someone is something I can get over (and hopefully find a more constructive relationship in the process). Staying in a bad situation will just prolong the pain of that situation and when it does eventually end I will still have to get over it. So, knowing that the pain of separation is going to happen either way, I am opting out of the pain that additional time in the relationship will bring.That may not make sense. Either way, everyone's situation is different and nobody can tell you what to do. Good luck and keep posting
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