krhea75

We got a letter from the DA yesterday and they are revoking my son's probation because he didn't finish the outpatient program. He has a court date in August.

He thinks if he signs up for classes in college and keeps working this will show them that he is functioning well. I'm not so sure. I have strongly suggested that he call the outpatient program and get back into it, but he is dragging his feet. After all, he's not really using you know!

I could call the place and set up the appt. and take him, make him go and he probably would. Or I could leave it up to him. He's 18 and thinks he knows everything. He could possibly end up serving some time in the county jail but it wouldn't be very long (80 days) I think.

So I just read Ann's post for today and I'm thinking that i leave it up to him. If he wants to take a gamble and see if he could beat the system, let him do it and deal with the consequences. The thing is, I don't really want him to go to jail. Any thoughts on this? Have any of you had similar situations?

The original charge was brought on because I found evidence he was selling adderall and called the cops. the charge was possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell.

Thanks.
Krhea

hello-kitty

Can you encourage him to go back to outpatient and offer your assistance (the things you stated up above), and then leave it up to him to accept your help?

marle

If he is using, he does not want to go back to outpatient because he will get caught with a dirty urine test. I would leave it up to him and see what happens. Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect

(((Krhea)))

Although I can understand you do not want him to spend time in jail, that may be just what he needs to fully realize the consequences of his action.

No parent wants to see their child in jail....except those parents here who would at least know where their child was...safe with "3 hots and a cot". My 4-1/2 months being locked up made me realize I don't ever want to do that again!

Of course he thinks he is grown Maybe let him deal with his "grown up" decisions...to try to beat the system. I've always had to learn my lessons the hard way, and I've gotten tired of it....now I'm trying to listen to those who know better!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

greeteachday

My daughter who was clean and sober for almost a year by the time she faced the consequences of her actions and jail time, told me that it was in many ways the best thing that could have happened to her. She changed her whole perspective on her sense of entitlement (I mean totally) she embraced a program completely whereas before she was kind of white knuckling it at times; she consistently took total ownership of her actions for the first time...the list goes on. In short, she matured immensely...the difference is day and night. She is wise beyond her years now. My regret is that it took me so long to let her face the consequences of her actions. I spent far too much time trying to get her to do the right thing, making appointments, etc etc and it did the exact opposite of what we for some reason think it is going to do.

The fact that the "only" charge was one you filed probably just means he was never caught, right? I know it is hard, but I really believe your thoughts are right on point...this is his to own, not yours. Hugs

Done_With_It

I agree with the above. Let him deal with it. I can understand not wanting him to go to jail, but he has to learn consequences of actions. He can learn them now or five years from now or whenever.

I'm still learning the hard way sometimes, because it takes some time to let things sink in.
When I got my last new car, it took me 4 times of running out of gas to figure out the gas tank on this car was different on my other car...
My Other car could run forever on E, but not this one......
Point being my Mom kept telling me, Done this car is different, you can't do that.
It took me being stuck on a hill, running out of gas in traffic hour to finålly figure it out.
My step dad was just like are you SURE she's not blond?
Do NOT know why I did not listen to her, I just had to learn my own lesson.

I know this is not just a car running out of gas, but learning from our mistakes
are the best way they stick, in my experience....

I think some of the best confidence we gain is from doing and learning on our own also.

beegee

krhea,
I know your struggling with trying to keep him out of jail but you know all we read here is that He has to make his decisions for himself. Trying to beat the system doesn't sound too good but as Impurrfect said "let him deal with "his grownup decisions..to beat the system".
I mean you can suggest to him to go but anything other then that is you not him. When they know better it is impossible. (((Hugs))) and prayers he does right.....

krhea75

My son called the outpatient program himself and made an appt. He is begging me to let him come back and live with me. I told him that I would take him to AA and pick him up from AA, and he could spend the night. He hasn't taken me up on it yet. Today is pay day for him so it could be a bad day.
Thanks for your responses.
krhea

Impurrfect

(((Krhea))

I'm glad he made the decision to call the outpatient program, and I hope he makes the appt.

Just remember, as hard as it is, keep the focus on YOU and let him do what he's going to...heck he's going to do what he's going to do ANYWAY! HP is teaching him a lesson. Even when I've made the wrong decisions, I learned a LOT from them because I had no one to blame but myself! After doing things the wrong way enough times, it finally sunk in that maybe, just maybe, I may want to try doing things the right way..I was a slow learner, and stubborn Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

krhea75

Thanks Amy,
I will try to accept what is happening and let go. I'm fighting the urge tonight to call him. I miss him. I feel like he is becoming more and more distanced from me. I guess i have to let him go in order to get him back the right way.
krhea