waiting551

Well as some of you have read before my AH and now substance abuse husband have finally confessed to me that yes he has a problem. I thanked him for finally telling because I knew about for some time. All the signs were there and I even tried telling myself it wasnt true. Typical codie!
The only hard thing I cant really digest is that we dont have kids, yet but he stated the convo last night as I dont feel complete and I get depressed when people ask me about why I dont have kids. I couldnt believe what I was hearing he was trying to tell me the cause of his problem was b/c I have chosen to not bring a kid into this!!!!
Then he changes his mind and says he nevermind its my problem its not your faullt. Then he wants to make a plan like ok if I stay clean for awhile then will you have a kid and I was like how sick are you to ask me to have a child when you have just told me ok I do cocaine now will you have my child.
OMG I know its the drug addiction its just hard to grasp the concept right now. He doesnt want me to tell his family but little does he know I told them the last time I found cocaine in his wallet they were just deciding what was the best way around it. I will finally tell my parents b/c I cannot handle this on my own and try to act like everything is ok!

Any advice anybody has is greatly appreciated. I am sincerely happy he finally admitted but I need a little help on what now?
Is it ok to tell his family that he confessed to it b/c right now they dont know.
I would think it is better for him to have more support or am I wrong?

bigsister1982

waiting,

My brother went through withdrawl/detox months ago (at home - with nobody but his family - extremely scary). I can't tell you how happy we all were when it was all said and done, and he said, "I don't want to get back on that stuff because I never want to go through that again."

But that's not good enough. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't say to my brother, "so what... you're off the prescription. what are you going to do NOW?" It's my impression that addicts feel like they deserve the moon & stars for every little accomplishment. If your AH stops using cocaine and 'only' smokes pot all day - what's changed, except the drug? Addicts will stop trying to please you as soon as they think they've done enough for YOU, it doesn't mean that they are happy themselves.

I'm getting that you are hearing a lot of 'this is YOUR fault - not mine' and I've been there too. I like what Hope wrote -

I'm not trying to say to give up because that isn't the answer. But please don't accept that he's come 'far enough'. You deserve better than that.

lizw

I even said OMG and laughed outloud when I read this. It reminds me how we alcoholics/addicts are pretty creative when it comes to finding excuses to justify the way we live i.e.the drinking and/or using.

I am glad you have enough common sense to see that there is nothing you have done or not done to get him using or get him using. I'd also be backing right away from any kind of deal with him that goes, "if you get clean, I will (fill in the blank)"

I have to also echo what the previous posting says, in terms of, why do you feel you have to do something? It's his problem not yours. Your problem is learning how to live with it all, as it is. Or choosing not too.

:ghug

BayAreaPhoenix

Yes, he needs support, but until he's ready for that support and he's ready to make a change, you telling his parents or anyone else isn't going to make a bit of difference. If you need support from your friends and family for what you are going thru and how you are handling the situation - that is for YOU. When he's ready for support and knows what he needs, he will tell who he needs to.

He can quit anytime (hey, anyone can quit anytime, and they do - they do it everyday, over and over again), but quitting and working at their own recovery to mend and repair and learn the skills needed to live with you (be a parent, partner, son, etc.) is the other, bigger, side that you need to see - whatever and however you define "recovery".

This disease is selffish, as you know. Stay focused on what he does. It may not work the first time, it may not work the first 20 times, but without even one ounce of personal accountability and responsibility - you will not see a true attempt at "fixing" this problem. No amount of YOU telling others so they know about the situation will change this - parents, siblings, mentors, employers, etc . - until and unless HE is the one ready to make a change.

Good for you and knowing what you know. Say true to yourself and what you know is the truth!

waiting551

Thank you to those that replied to my first post as it really helps to hear both sides to a story.
My husband brought me home flowers last night and I just said "wish these were for a different situation b/c they are not even pretty to me right now"
He kept TALKING about going to his classes and he wants a sponsor but like before I cannot believe a single thing until I see it. Or maybe not even then, Good for me right?
Last night I didnt cry i wasnt mad I acted normal with the exception that he told me he talked to another guy at work and the guy told him of all the health problems u get when u use cocaine. I just told him yep and all the other side effects I had seen were just the beginning. He acknowledges it was the power he felt and having a secret gave him a weird sense of power. I know he can and will relapse and there will be secrets again so I take his words with a grain of salt. I got heartburn so bad last night and I dont get heartburn hardly ever and I read today that stress will cause it. That is enough to scare me into thinking for me and me alone. I feel like he is my drug b/c instead of distancing myself from him I feel like I need to be around him more. I know it is a codependent habit and I realize that. I almost feel like I am detaching myself from my drug (him) and I am going through the depression in a different way than ever before. He is going to Calif with his family this weekend for 4 days and I have decided not to go and turn off my phone and not talk to him. Hard for me yes and I know I will just worry that it will make him mad or sad. But for me I need to do this b/c I have always been there when he needs me. Plus his family there is planning on talking to him about his use so that will be good for him. I made plans with friends yesterday so I cannot back out for the fear to make him mad or sad. I will just hope that puts a flicker in his eye of what is to come if it continues. Wish me luck and any comments will help, no matter if they are tough comments or good ones I need all the support I can get.