Please help me, I need help with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Please help me, I need help with this.
Ok, so I don't think I've ever really just sat here and blurted it all out - so here goes.
Dec 2, 2007. (6ish months ago). My addict partner, after trying quite hard, to do the right thing for 2yeards, on the methadone program, decides to come off it, and try living the sober life, while still working, and doing all the 'good family man' things. We had anothr child, feb 2007, so he was working, and I was the wife. We also have, a now 11year old son.
Anyway - that all went wrong. He started working with a crew of morphine chasing paddock peasants. Meaning, men who work in the grape vineyards, contract wages, (so they can come and go as they please, as long as they get their personal goal amount of work done. Usually enough to get on for a few days) ANYWAY. Let's just say, none of this went to plan. He started using really badly, and ....well to be honest, I can't even really remember.
He left, it was a mutual decision, for him to go and get himself clean and sorted. He went up north, came back down south, worked all over the place, turned to drinking for a few months, went back to using...blah bla blah.
The whole past 6 months - he has not contacted me or the kids, since Jan. I only know all this, as he has started ringing me, and trying to sort 'something' out. Last nights show shopper was the clincher for me - a reverse charges call, of the most irrational, depressing, sad lonely and miserable, unguided mumbo jumbo, I have expierienced in 6 months.
I've spoken to him about 10 times, in the past week. He's been straight a couple of times, happy a couple of times, then stoned on something, whether it be pot or valium, as he claims, or smack, morph etc. I don't really care.
Since he left, I have only just, managed to get myself in a position where, I've paid of the majority of my (our) debts, sort out a car for me and the kids, I'm starting a new business, have done excessive amounts of yoga and meditation - and am even on a diet, (lost 8 kilos this month - yes quite proud).
The thing is, he wants to come and get his hunk of junk Landrover, (beast of a car, runs really well, but is unregisstered - and he has no license), with out having to see us - as he is ' too sensitive to be able to handle it'???? And for me to look after our mastiff/shephard/pitt bull cross, that he has had with him, so that he can work, and get things 'sorted'. (I already have one of her pups here, 9 mths)
I can hear in him, that he trully wants for things to be better - but I can't feel a connection between us, that let's me know that he understands what this has all been like for me. I can't feel the deep resignation, needed for the beginnings of recovery for him. Just the same round and round in circles, not knowing whsat to do, to get better. I want him to get some help - and I've sadi this to him, and he says he is trying, then gets all sad, and does nothing.
I want to put a stipulation on him getting anymore help off me. Get into recovery, or 'No, you can't have the landy', type thing.
I'm actually happy, to look after Nemi, (the dog - I miss her).
I don't understand why he isn't ready to do 'whatever it takes', to get better. His baby girl - who he adored, while he was here, is now walking and talking, his 11 year old son, who I stupidly gave the phone too last night, is really totally unimpressed, and not interested in any of this bull$hit anymore.....ohhh, aarrghh. It's so messy and complicated - and I've been so organised, and budgeting, and working really hard the last 6 months to preserve what strength I had left, and then build on it.
I need advice, on how to go about putting my foot down, and recommending treatment, and recovery options, in the best way possible, so as to come across as still caring and loving this person, but without seeming.........oh, I don't know.
What do I do from here?
Thanks, feel free to ask any questions, if you think it may help you, help me.
And I really do need help - even if you think I don't want to hear it - maybe I need to.
Dec 2, 2007. (6ish months ago). My addict partner, after trying quite hard, to do the right thing for 2yeards, on the methadone program, decides to come off it, and try living the sober life, while still working, and doing all the 'good family man' things. We had anothr child, feb 2007, so he was working, and I was the wife. We also have, a now 11year old son.
Anyway - that all went wrong. He started working with a crew of morphine chasing paddock peasants. Meaning, men who work in the grape vineyards, contract wages, (so they can come and go as they please, as long as they get their personal goal amount of work done. Usually enough to get on for a few days) ANYWAY. Let's just say, none of this went to plan. He started using really badly, and ....well to be honest, I can't even really remember.
He left, it was a mutual decision, for him to go and get himself clean and sorted. He went up north, came back down south, worked all over the place, turned to drinking for a few months, went back to using...blah bla blah.
The whole past 6 months - he has not contacted me or the kids, since Jan. I only know all this, as he has started ringing me, and trying to sort 'something' out. Last nights show shopper was the clincher for me - a reverse charges call, of the most irrational, depressing, sad lonely and miserable, unguided mumbo jumbo, I have expierienced in 6 months.
I've spoken to him about 10 times, in the past week. He's been straight a couple of times, happy a couple of times, then stoned on something, whether it be pot or valium, as he claims, or smack, morph etc. I don't really care.
Since he left, I have only just, managed to get myself in a position where, I've paid of the majority of my (our) debts, sort out a car for me and the kids, I'm starting a new business, have done excessive amounts of yoga and meditation - and am even on a diet, (lost 8 kilos this month - yes quite proud).
The thing is, he wants to come and get his hunk of junk Landrover, (beast of a car, runs really well, but is unregisstered - and he has no license), with out having to see us - as he is ' too sensitive to be able to handle it'???? And for me to look after our mastiff/shephard/pitt bull cross, that he has had with him, so that he can work, and get things 'sorted'. (I already have one of her pups here, 9 mths)
I can hear in him, that he trully wants for things to be better - but I can't feel a connection between us, that let's me know that he understands what this has all been like for me. I can't feel the deep resignation, needed for the beginnings of recovery for him. Just the same round and round in circles, not knowing whsat to do, to get better. I want him to get some help - and I've sadi this to him, and he says he is trying, then gets all sad, and does nothing.
I want to put a stipulation on him getting anymore help off me. Get into recovery, or 'No, you can't have the landy', type thing.
I'm actually happy, to look after Nemi, (the dog - I miss her).
I don't understand why he isn't ready to do 'whatever it takes', to get better. His baby girl - who he adored, while he was here, is now walking and talking, his 11 year old son, who I stupidly gave the phone too last night, is really totally unimpressed, and not interested in any of this bull$hit anymore.....ohhh, aarrghh. It's so messy and complicated - and I've been so organised, and budgeting, and working really hard the last 6 months to preserve what strength I had left, and then build on it.
I need advice, on how to go about putting my foot down, and recommending treatment, and recovery options, in the best way possible, so as to come across as still caring and loving this person, but without seeming.........oh, I don't know.
What do I do from here?
Thanks, feel free to ask any questions, if you think it may help you, help me.
And I really do need help - even if you think I don't want to hear it - maybe I need to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Wow... what a hard place to be emotionally. I am so sorry that he is putting your through this.
I don't know much about what is available in Australia... have you ever tried Alanon or Naranon? Or something similar? These two groups are great support for friends and family of addicts or alcoholics. If there are any nearby, I hope you will consider going. If not, I'm sure there are online meetings available...
What is going on here is that your husband has unfortunately not truly hit his rock bottom- the point in which the pain of addiction is worse than the fear of never using again. One thing that we, as the friends and families of the addicts, have had to teach ourselves to do, as hard as it is, is to focus on ourselves first, and to lift the addict up to your Higher Power as you see him.
The most important thing here is that you and the children are getting the help that you need. You've got to be strong for your kids... but this is no easy task, and no one expects you to do that without resources, like the ones I mentioned above.
As far as the ultimatum goes, what you have suggested is a good start, but I would hope to eventually see the day when you can tell him that until he gets clean, you and the kids will have nothing to do with him at all. Not for cars, not for money, not for a place to sleep... nothing. I know this sounds like you are not helping him (or yourself), but think about this: who is benefiting from your suffering? Are you? Are the kids? Is your husband? While you may think you are helping him by giving him what he needs, all this does is help him to continue to use, as he will see no reason to stop.
Addiction is very impersonal. It does not care who it has to plow down to keep the addict hooked, nor are any of the actions of the addict geared at anything or anyone more than getting his or her next fix, even if there are other casualties in the process.
I see that you've been a member here for a while... please continue to post. We love to be able to build each other up around here... it's what keeps us strong too.
*hugs and prayers*
I don't know much about what is available in Australia... have you ever tried Alanon or Naranon? Or something similar? These two groups are great support for friends and family of addicts or alcoholics. If there are any nearby, I hope you will consider going. If not, I'm sure there are online meetings available...
What is going on here is that your husband has unfortunately not truly hit his rock bottom- the point in which the pain of addiction is worse than the fear of never using again. One thing that we, as the friends and families of the addicts, have had to teach ourselves to do, as hard as it is, is to focus on ourselves first, and to lift the addict up to your Higher Power as you see him.
The most important thing here is that you and the children are getting the help that you need. You've got to be strong for your kids... but this is no easy task, and no one expects you to do that without resources, like the ones I mentioned above.
As far as the ultimatum goes, what you have suggested is a good start, but I would hope to eventually see the day when you can tell him that until he gets clean, you and the kids will have nothing to do with him at all. Not for cars, not for money, not for a place to sleep... nothing. I know this sounds like you are not helping him (or yourself), but think about this: who is benefiting from your suffering? Are you? Are the kids? Is your husband? While you may think you are helping him by giving him what he needs, all this does is help him to continue to use, as he will see no reason to stop.
Addiction is very impersonal. It does not care who it has to plow down to keep the addict hooked, nor are any of the actions of the addict geared at anything or anyone more than getting his or her next fix, even if there are other casualties in the process.
I see that you've been a member here for a while... please continue to post. We love to be able to build each other up around here... it's what keeps us strong too.
*hugs and prayers*
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
You seem to have gone into crisis mode, taking control of those things which you can and doing your darn best to control the damage. He just doesn't factor in. Do you want to include him? I don't think you can minimize or soften the ultimatem. It is what it is. Good luck and I will pray for you and those little ones.
krhea
krhea
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thanks so much, everyone!
Nothing I haven't already thought about, and thought about and thought about.
But, after having the same things said by others, who are, or have been in the same circumstances, helps this little Libran, make some very tough decisions!
I'm expecting some more contact from the bathplug in the next couple of days. So, in trying to stick to my resolve, I'll post here my intentions;
To not engage in irrational conversation;
To not explain or justify myself - a simple, 'until you are clean and sober and healthy, I just can't keep giving away energy to you';
To maintain compassion and love, in the context of, 'I love you, you're an intelligent person, you'll find a way through this if you choose'
To pass on as much info of rehabilitation and recovery, in replace of sympathy for his situation
Thanks again!! I'll be back: ghug3
Nothing I haven't already thought about, and thought about and thought about.
But, after having the same things said by others, who are, or have been in the same circumstances, helps this little Libran, make some very tough decisions!
I'm expecting some more contact from the bathplug in the next couple of days. So, in trying to stick to my resolve, I'll post here my intentions;
To not engage in irrational conversation;
To not explain or justify myself - a simple, 'until you are clean and sober and healthy, I just can't keep giving away energy to you';
To maintain compassion and love, in the context of, 'I love you, you're an intelligent person, you'll find a way through this if you choose'
To pass on as much info of rehabilitation and recovery, in replace of sympathy for his situation
Thanks again!! I'll be back: ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Originally Posted by Omm anomanom 
Thanks so much, everyone!
Nothing I haven't already thought about, and thought about and thought about.
But, after having the same things said by others, who are, or have been in the same circumstances, helps this little Libran, make some very tough decisions!
I'm expecting some more contact from the bathplug in the next couple of days. So, in trying to stick to my resolve, I'll post here my intentions;
To not engage in irrational conversation;
To not explain or justify myself - a simple, 'until you are clean and sober and healthy, I just can't keep giving away energy to you';
To maintain compassion and love, in the context of, 'I love you, you're an intelligent person, you'll find a way through this if you choose'
To pass on as much info of rehabilitation and recovery, in replace of sympathy for his situation
Thanks again!! I'll be back: ghug3
Nothing I haven't already thought about, and thought about and thought about.
But, after having the same things said by others, who are, or have been in the same circumstances, helps this little Libran, make some very tough decisions!
I'm expecting some more contact from the bathplug in the next couple of days. So, in trying to stick to my resolve, I'll post here my intentions;
To not engage in irrational conversation;
To not explain or justify myself - a simple, 'until you are clean and sober and healthy, I just can't keep giving away energy to you';
To maintain compassion and love, in the context of, 'I love you, you're an intelligent person, you'll find a way through this if you choose'
To pass on as much info of rehabilitation and recovery, in replace of sympathy for his situation
Thanks again!! I'll be back: ghug3
AWESOME!!! Sounds like a plan! Your post sounded like you were starting to feel some peace away from the madness of addiction, so I am glad that you are going to keep moving forward in your own recovery and let him find his way on his own. Hugs
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Omm-
It sounds like without him you have done very well. Why bother with a "stipulation"? Just keep walking in the direction you are going in.
To me it seems that he is testing the water to see if he has a way back in. Do you use the rover? Do you need it? What would happen to you and the children if you let him have it? Do you think he would try to sell it for dope?
You know of course there is nothing you can do to make him stop using.... right? He will stop when he is ready and not a moment sooner you know this right?
It sounds like without him you have done very well. Why bother with a "stipulation"? Just keep walking in the direction you are going in.
To me it seems that he is testing the water to see if he has a way back in. Do you use the rover? Do you need it? What would happen to you and the children if you let him have it? Do you think he would try to sell it for dope?
You know of course there is nothing you can do to make him stop using.... right? He will stop when he is ready and not a moment sooner you know this right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thamks again to you all!!
So...., I've just wasted my evening trying to be rational, I sort of nearly got there.
I DID justify myself, over and over and over again.
I do believe I maintained healthy levels of love and compassion.
I did bang on and on about treatment and recovery.
The man rang, and was completely shattered, and devastated that the car he had no interest in, for the last 6 months, (because he took the other car) was now unavailable for him to take, (and potentially destroy - like the other one).
I said no. (Over and over again. I still haven't quite got the, 'say it once, then hang up if met with a battle'. I told him that I needed to sell the car for parts to raise the money, to add to my savings to buy [B]myself and the kids[B] a ute. (I need one for work). This was met with tears and sadness, and carry on.
He was honestly, a text book case, of an addict not getting the same amount of his usual dose of enabling. Devastated, (he won't be able to work), desperately sad, (how's he going to earn money to be part of his sons life again), angry, (I was feeling empowered by not letting him succeed??WTF??) I must admit, I did feel empowered - because I was standing up for me and the dirtmagnets - how can he not see this.
Really it's a joke anyway - he's in NNSW, and I'm in NWVic, roughly 2,000km away from each other. With $240, he's going to get his license, rego the car - which needs about $1500 work to pass a rwc, travel down here with the dog, then drive off to SA (400ks away). Yeah right.....
Tomorrow I am ringing the 4WD wreckers and selling it. For whatever, I don't care, the tyres are worth a bit, I'll get a bit of money for it.
I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. I did yell at him, he was banging on about how much he loved our son, so I got mad and started screaming, 'then why did you do it to him..' I couldn't help it, he's just an 11 year old kid, and this guy has just abandoned him, and still thinks that he has the right to feel bad about how he's treated him.
Anyway, I feel bad for yelling - but I don't know why.
I feel a bit removed from the fact that he said that he is never speaking to me again, as it is just too painful for him. If I got so upset about how badly I'd hurt someone I trully cared about - I would make it up to them.
I still would like to make him feel better, and safe. But I can only do this honestly, and by giving people something that I also need, I'm cheating myself, and my family.
What a mess this man is in. I do hope he gets better. His idea of recovery - well after he couldn't have what he wanted - he just can't talk about it.
My son told me after the call, 'you did the right thing.' (I'm loud, and he's got big ears) That made me feel alot more grounded, and set in my decision to stick to my 'me first' policy.
PS. I don't need the stupid car, I don't even like it any more - but I can use it, to help me make my life that little bit easier. And as I'm doing the right thing - I don't feel bad about it - I'm actually quite surprised how calm and good I'm feeling. He actually went pretty hard on the emotional blackmail train - and don't get me wrong i do (did) love my relationship with this person, and this person, but I'm actually thinking, yeah....well......whatever!!
Hope you all have a good night
So...., I've just wasted my evening trying to be rational, I sort of nearly got there.
I DID justify myself, over and over and over again.
I do believe I maintained healthy levels of love and compassion.
I did bang on and on about treatment and recovery.
The man rang, and was completely shattered, and devastated that the car he had no interest in, for the last 6 months, (because he took the other car) was now unavailable for him to take, (and potentially destroy - like the other one).
I said no. (Over and over again. I still haven't quite got the, 'say it once, then hang up if met with a battle'. I told him that I needed to sell the car for parts to raise the money, to add to my savings to buy [B]myself and the kids[B] a ute. (I need one for work). This was met with tears and sadness, and carry on.
He was honestly, a text book case, of an addict not getting the same amount of his usual dose of enabling. Devastated, (he won't be able to work), desperately sad, (how's he going to earn money to be part of his sons life again), angry, (I was feeling empowered by not letting him succeed??WTF??) I must admit, I did feel empowered - because I was standing up for me and the dirtmagnets - how can he not see this.
Really it's a joke anyway - he's in NNSW, and I'm in NWVic, roughly 2,000km away from each other. With $240, he's going to get his license, rego the car - which needs about $1500 work to pass a rwc, travel down here with the dog, then drive off to SA (400ks away). Yeah right.....
Tomorrow I am ringing the 4WD wreckers and selling it. For whatever, I don't care, the tyres are worth a bit, I'll get a bit of money for it.
I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. I did yell at him, he was banging on about how much he loved our son, so I got mad and started screaming, 'then why did you do it to him..' I couldn't help it, he's just an 11 year old kid, and this guy has just abandoned him, and still thinks that he has the right to feel bad about how he's treated him.
Anyway, I feel bad for yelling - but I don't know why.
I feel a bit removed from the fact that he said that he is never speaking to me again, as it is just too painful for him. If I got so upset about how badly I'd hurt someone I trully cared about - I would make it up to them.
I still would like to make him feel better, and safe. But I can only do this honestly, and by giving people something that I also need, I'm cheating myself, and my family.
What a mess this man is in. I do hope he gets better. His idea of recovery - well after he couldn't have what he wanted - he just can't talk about it.
My son told me after the call, 'you did the right thing.' (I'm loud, and he's got big ears) That made me feel alot more grounded, and set in my decision to stick to my 'me first' policy.
PS. I don't need the stupid car, I don't even like it any more - but I can use it, to help me make my life that little bit easier. And as I'm doing the right thing - I don't feel bad about it - I'm actually quite surprised how calm and good I'm feeling. He actually went pretty hard on the emotional blackmail train - and don't get me wrong i do (did) love my relationship with this person, and this person, but I'm actually thinking, yeah....well......whatever!!
Hope you all have a good night
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I think you did great - practice not perfection - I'm sure he yelled alot, so what's a bit of yelling between friends! You said what you needed to say, in the only way you could. Give yourself a hug! This learning new behavior was very tough for me.
Don't know if this will help you - but my sponsor encouraged me NOT to pick up the phone when the addicts in my life called - but to let it go on the answering machine. Then I could handle it - or not - on my time table, not on theirs. Addicts are impulsive and need to know - now. But I don't.
Keep posting. And find Alanon or Naranon near you. I know there are AA and NA meetings in Australia. Even an open (anyone can go) meeting of AA or NA would probably help you understand addiction better. And you could get some literature.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Don't know if this will help you - but my sponsor encouraged me NOT to pick up the phone when the addicts in my life called - but to let it go on the answering machine. Then I could handle it - or not - on my time table, not on theirs. Addicts are impulsive and need to know - now. But I don't.
Keep posting. And find Alanon or Naranon near you. I know there are AA and NA meetings in Australia. Even an open (anyone can go) meeting of AA or NA would probably help you understand addiction better. And you could get some literature.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
I agree with Splendra! Sounds like you're finally making some headway since he has been gone. Why would you want to subject the children to anymore chaos than they have already been through? I wouldn't go backwards now!
Keep walking in the direction you have been since his departure, and pray one day he'll really mean what he says.
Remember, actions speak louder than words!
Put the responsibility in his pocket!
Hugs, Devastated
Keep walking in the direction you have been since his departure, and pray one day he'll really mean what he says.
Remember, actions speak louder than words!
Put the responsibility in his pocket!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thanks again to you all!!
I rang the wreckers this morning, they came about two hours ago, gave me $200 for what was once my home, also said they'd take the $260 tyres off it for me, and I could pick them up early next week, (in my new ute!!!!), and if the boss doesn't give me $150 each for them, they reckon that someone will.
It was such a sad moment. Me and the addict, and our son, and our 2 (at the time) dogs, lived and travelled all through WA in that thing. I was trying to get all nostalgic, and remember the good times, as it was being carted off out the driveway - but all I could remember was the time, coming home from a drug run in Perth, where AH, too stoned to judge properly, went into a corner too fast, and had the thing on two wheels!! It was horrific. With our son in the back, and the dogs, and an idiot junkie mate of his...wow....the things we do. He was, thank goodness, pretty shaken by it - but one of the only times I can remember him handing over the driving, without too much of a fight.
I know I'm better off. I know I've done the right thing. I'm now just a little sad. I haven't really cried about all this, this time. I think it's really important to let the emotions out, but now sitting here typing about it, I think I've developed a new way of dealing with things. I hope so. I really don't want to have to deal with any of this, again.
Thanks again, to you all. I feel so much better off, knowing that you people are here.
I rang the wreckers this morning, they came about two hours ago, gave me $200 for what was once my home, also said they'd take the $260 tyres off it for me, and I could pick them up early next week, (in my new ute!!!!), and if the boss doesn't give me $150 each for them, they reckon that someone will.
It was such a sad moment. Me and the addict, and our son, and our 2 (at the time) dogs, lived and travelled all through WA in that thing. I was trying to get all nostalgic, and remember the good times, as it was being carted off out the driveway - but all I could remember was the time, coming home from a drug run in Perth, where AH, too stoned to judge properly, went into a corner too fast, and had the thing on two wheels!! It was horrific. With our son in the back, and the dogs, and an idiot junkie mate of his...wow....the things we do. He was, thank goodness, pretty shaken by it - but one of the only times I can remember him handing over the driving, without too much of a fight.
I know I'm better off. I know I've done the right thing. I'm now just a little sad. I haven't really cried about all this, this time. I think it's really important to let the emotions out, but now sitting here typing about it, I think I've developed a new way of dealing with things. I hope so. I really don't want to have to deal with any of this, again.
Thanks again, to you all. I feel so much better off, knowing that you people are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thankyou all, for your kind words.
Ok, so I've been answering the phone to 'him'. I told him I sold the Landy, that was an issue. As, he's suddenly now been offered a forest property, on a hundred acres, that he can live in indefinetly, and buy on vendors terms down the track. Bull$hit. But, now that I've sold the landy....creep.
The reason I'm here though, he told me how the other day, dead broke, some 'girl', just came up and offered him $50, for a kiss. I said, 'So now you're a prostitute then', this made me sick. 10 years, two kids, heaps of fun, and love. This is not fun.
The clincher, when I finally hung up on him, he thinks I may have given him herpes. I have a 16mth old baby, they test us for everything under the sun, before, during and after the birth. I also had a pap smear after she was born. He knows this.
I slept with other people, during our relationship. Drunken mistakes the first two, and the others, when he had left me for five months, with another 'woman', (she was 17, when they went away, using together). He said this, the herpes thing, just to hurt me. Or, otherwise, he is just so #ucked in the head.........I can't believe how many years of guilt I have wasted here.
Not answering the phone, anymore.
Not engaging in any form of conversation, unless obviously straight, and as happy and proud of me, as all the people that are around me now.
I am so hurt. I've read so much on this site, and never really applied all the hurtful stuff, to myself, or my relationship with this person, but I am one of those 'stupid' women, who's been manipulated, and lied to - THEN FEELS BAD ABOUT IT.
I just feel like such a di^khead.
Ok, so I've been answering the phone to 'him'. I told him I sold the Landy, that was an issue. As, he's suddenly now been offered a forest property, on a hundred acres, that he can live in indefinetly, and buy on vendors terms down the track. Bull$hit. But, now that I've sold the landy....creep.
The reason I'm here though, he told me how the other day, dead broke, some 'girl', just came up and offered him $50, for a kiss. I said, 'So now you're a prostitute then', this made me sick. 10 years, two kids, heaps of fun, and love. This is not fun.
The clincher, when I finally hung up on him, he thinks I may have given him herpes. I have a 16mth old baby, they test us for everything under the sun, before, during and after the birth. I also had a pap smear after she was born. He knows this.
I slept with other people, during our relationship. Drunken mistakes the first two, and the others, when he had left me for five months, with another 'woman', (she was 17, when they went away, using together). He said this, the herpes thing, just to hurt me. Or, otherwise, he is just so #ucked in the head.........I can't believe how many years of guilt I have wasted here.
Not answering the phone, anymore.
Not engaging in any form of conversation, unless obviously straight, and as happy and proud of me, as all the people that are around me now.
I am so hurt. I've read so much on this site, and never really applied all the hurtful stuff, to myself, or my relationship with this person, but I am one of those 'stupid' women, who's been manipulated, and lied to - THEN FEELS BAD ABOUT IT.
I just feel like such a di^khead.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
You sold the Landy and now you feel crappy. Don't let him do that to you with his big land offer. You did the right thing and do not feel guilty about it! And your not stupid either, some of us women have really hard heads or were believers, or we just want to give them a zillion chances....you did all that, you crossed that bridge and now you need to think about you and your son. (((HUGS))) And come here for kind words and love from your friends.....bg
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thanks, you two.
I do just love this person, but then I've also done my fair share of drug use, and know the difference between the two different people that you become.
It's just not the place that I'm in anymore, and I know that you don't have to be there. And for him to still be there, after all the times he's stopped using, and our kids, and all the great things we had together....well, it's sad.
And I have been taking all the right steps, .....yeah, just get over it - with meditation, and yoga, and working, and excercise...I think maybe now it's time for counselling, for all the sad, self stuff.
I do just love this person, but then I've also done my fair share of drug use, and know the difference between the two different people that you become.
It's just not the place that I'm in anymore, and I know that you don't have to be there. And for him to still be there, after all the times he's stopped using, and our kids, and all the great things we had together....well, it's sad.
And I have been taking all the right steps, .....yeah, just get over it - with meditation, and yoga, and working, and excercise...I think maybe now it's time for counselling, for all the sad, self stuff.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Omm,
Big hugs to you, you're living life on YOUR terms. Good for you.
Good decision not giving him the Landy, since he doesn't have a drivers license and would be driving illegal...
Hugs...
Big hugs to you, you're living life on YOUR terms. Good for you.
Good decision not giving him the Landy, since he doesn't have a drivers license and would be driving illegal...
Hugs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: australia
Posts: 29
Thanks again, to all of you who are helping me stay on track here. Without it, this forum, I would be in such a mess. It's so good to come here, and know that there will only be encouragement and advice, to do the right thing, by me and my beautiful children.
The addict had the audacity, to just then, hit me up with a reverse charges call. I pressed #2. I did not, and will not, be accepting reverse charge calls from someone who made me feel, like I did last night. He made me feel dirty, he made me feel, like a bad mother, and a woman of no value.
I've made many mistakes, and stupid choices in my life. But I have now become, through living through all of my experiences, someone that people enjoy being around. And the love of my life, has finally gone too far.
Sadly, as I'm writing these words, I'm welling up with tears, and hurt and all the broken hearted emotions, you can think of - but then another part of me is having all these lightbulb moments, of 'this is what stepping away from the addict, trully means', this will be the best thing for everyone. I think I really do get it now. Thanks to the sr forum people, and the dedication, to self preservation.
Any more hints and tips? I think I'm ready to implement myself silly, with the advice here, it's making me feel so much better!!
Thanks again
The addict had the audacity, to just then, hit me up with a reverse charges call. I pressed #2. I did not, and will not, be accepting reverse charge calls from someone who made me feel, like I did last night. He made me feel dirty, he made me feel, like a bad mother, and a woman of no value.
I've made many mistakes, and stupid choices in my life. But I have now become, through living through all of my experiences, someone that people enjoy being around. And the love of my life, has finally gone too far.
Sadly, as I'm writing these words, I'm welling up with tears, and hurt and all the broken hearted emotions, you can think of - but then another part of me is having all these lightbulb moments, of 'this is what stepping away from the addict, trully means', this will be the best thing for everyone. I think I really do get it now. Thanks to the sr forum people, and the dedication, to self preservation.
Any more hints and tips? I think I'm ready to implement myself silly, with the advice here, it's making me feel so much better!!
Thanks again
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