Mom vs Codie

Old 07-19-2008, 06:09 AM
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Cool Mom vs Codie

My daughter has been clean for about 15 months and lives with her fiance who has been clean more than 2 years. I absolutly adore her fiance. Well I have senced that there has been trouble in paradise for a few months now. Sometimes my daughter makes coments, like she's not going to marry him because he needs to clean up his finacial past. He has found craigslist & spent abit of $$. He has also played cards & gone over his allowece a few times. He really is a great guy with a big big heart.

Well my daughter (22) told me that her & fiance had a talk the other night & he finally opend up & told her he is not happy. He is affraid that they more or less just got clean together & are now growing in different directions. He was worried that if he breaks up with her that I will not want anything to do with him. Not true, he's really become part of the family, with or without my daughter.

He said he wants the weekend to do some sole searching. I am very proud the way my RAD has handled herself. She said, "Danm I was just more or less frutrated about finaces, I had no idea that I might loose him." She is giving him his space this weedend, not just crying & begging him to stay. She told him that she loves him & wants to be with him. She said she is willing to do what it takes to work on the relationship. She even said she would go to couples counseling if he wanted.

I hope things work out like their HP has planed. She would end up moving back home w us. After having my kids, stepkids & friends of kids moving in & out of here the last couple years it has been pretty nice & peaceful the last few months without them. Gosh, that sounds aweful doesn't it? My RAD doesn't make enough $$ to get a place of her own. (for those of you who remember.. the small trustfund she had was spent on drugs) She would need to save. I don't feel as a mom I could tell her no, you can't come here.
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Old 07-19-2008, 06:14 AM
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(((Helpus)))

It sounds like they are realizing a problem, but also working on it and doing a pretty good job!

As far as her moving home, I had to move home because of the financial mess I put myself in. I DO pay rent, though, and help around the house. I can totally understand why you would NOT want her home, but if she does, you may want to consider her paying rent. I pay $100/week, which is far less than anything I could get, and it makes me feel like I'm contributing to the household.

I hope they work things out.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-19-2008, 06:25 AM
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Sending some hugs. I will be in the same situation in a couple of weeks. Daughter moving home from the halfway house. She will have 70 days clean, has not worked in over 2 years and will be looking for a job. She has not lived at home since she was 18 so we will see how that works. Am thinking that the big roll of duct tape that we bought a few weeks ago will come in handy I remember as a young adult, I moved in and out of my parents home a few times due to illness, break-ups and college. It was always nice to have a place to go home to but equally nice to move out again. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-19-2008, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by helpus View Post
Gosh, that sounds aweful doesn't it?
It just sounds honest My recovering daughter is home right now figuring out her next move, and my ultra responsible 23 year old son might be moving home in a couple of weeks until he gets an apartment or house (he's also thinking about buying). I'm sure he doesn't want to stay here for long because he moved out five years ago and I don't allow overnight guests LOL!

Part of me groans at the possibility of a full house again and the rest of me, after the craziness of the last couple of years, is just so damned glad to have them alive and healthy. I'm telling myself "one day at a time" for both joys and pains.

Prayers for all of us working it out.
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Old 07-19-2008, 08:11 AM
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Helpus,

I understand the dilemma. I have been where you are, a RAD wanting to move home. My stomach hurts just at the thought of it.

Just from my experience, it's very hard for them to come back home after being out on their own. The situation was equally hard on both of us because I knew I'd want to fall back into my old tendencies ... meddle in her life and say way too much ... and she immediately became defensive, even when going to meetings and working a program. I'm sure you know "recovery" doesn't not equal perfect behavior for either one of us.

We lasted about 1 1/2 months before she decided she had to leave. She said she had to get back to where she was living so she wouldn't drink/use again. Her behavior had gone downhill and I was ready to gas up her car and say "Have at it, sister"!

As much as her being home was causing turmoil, her decision to go back to where she had been living looked like a horrible one ... no job, no place to live, no money and a scrungy ABF who was not working a good program or working one at all.

THANK GOD for my recovery through Al Anon and this board. I was scared to death to let her go, but knew I had to. I went in the closet, prayed for the courage to let her drive off without falling apart, and kissed her goodbye. That was a DEFINING MOMENT in my recovery.

Long story short, the bad looking decision turned out to be the best decision she could have made. Oh, there were some very huge bumps at first and calls home, crying, making me rely on my HP even more, but both she and I made it through. Recovery taught me I could not fix her life for her and I had to get out of the way and let her figure it out.

I said all that to say this. We moms do want to love and support. And we have to decide what is best to do at the time. But ultimately, I had to rely on everything I had learned in recovery in order to let my AD go, even when, according to human eyes, the decision she was making was awful. And even more than that, I had to put my recovery into action and do things that were even harder than letting her go, like saying no because it would be best for both her and me. Thank God for Al Anon and this board. I never would have been able to get out of the way without them.

I love that page in the "One Day at a Time Book" that says something like as long as I am standing in the way, I am blocking my daughter's Higher Power's light. There is no way He can get to her if I'm always in the middle.

I'll keep you and your RAD in my prayers. The move home might be stressful, but just like in my life and my RAD's life, it was just part of God's recovery plan for both of us.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 07-19-2008, 10:09 PM
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Being that she is and has been clean, it just becomes a matter of what would you do if she wasn't an addict at all? things like, set some boundaries for behavior and responsibilites in your home, and see how it goes.
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:23 AM
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Hangin, love you quote! I will make sure to stay out of the way of my daughters HP. I will be putting my recovery to the test. Making sure I only give advice when asked, I am alittle worried cuz this is where she has many many drug conectons. I need to turn the worry over to my HP. RAD said as soon as she gets extra $ she wants to get a kanji tattoo that says "strength"
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:34 AM
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Helpus,

Better a tattoo than a drug.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend, about 9 months clean and sober, still struggling like all get outs. She says she calls me cause we can talk and that I'm easy to talk to. Of course we are in different programs, but we're still both working at the 12 step thing and "turning our life and our will" over to our HP. (Maybe I should say trying, daily, to do that.)

So yesterday as SHE is calling ME for support, I told her a little of what is going on in my life at this point regarding my RAD. (It's always something, isn't it?) She'a smart enough in her recovery to tell me all the time, "Hey, don't ask me. I have to ask my sponsor about everything. I don't know nothin'!" But in our conversation, she quiety and humbly said, "Well, can't you just trust God on this?"

BAM!!!! A nine month, struggling to stay clean/sober person said exactly what I needed to hear..."Can't I just trust God on this?"

For me, helpus, that's what core of my program is about. If I'm going to surrender MY life to my HP, and get out of the way so He and my RAD can work on her life, why in the world would I do that if I don't trust him? Either I trust my HP or I don't.

So it's been running through my mind all last night and this a.m. "Can't I just trust God on this?"

Amazing how our HP brings people and statements into our lives when we aren't expecting it.

Just thought I'd share. Thanks for listening...

Mama hugs,
Hangin' In
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