My sister is terminal and it is now just a death watch
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 5
My sister is terminal and it is now just a death watch
I am here asking for advice and help about my sister. I feel she is now terminal and has weeks to live because of her chronic alcoholism. She is 47.
Some history:
My sister started drinking at 15 years of age. During her teenage years everyone around her chalked her drinking up to 'sowing some wild oats'. She received her first DWI that we know about in her early 20s. I am sure she had more then one but she is very secretive about her life. I also know whe was in jail for a while on the DWI but do not know for how long. She has been married 3 times and the last time to another alcoholic. It was a destructive and violent relationship. After her marriage ended she went to live in an isolated community in Alaska. An alcoholic's paradise. She isolated herself from all family. We would rarely here from her with the exception an occasional drunken phone call. She liked to get on the phone when she had 4 or 5 glasses of wine. As the phone call progressed she would start becoming sloppily sentimental and ramble on and on until she became unintelligible and somtimes would pass out while on the phone.
She is the type of alcoholic who always managed to hold a full time job and then once off work she would drink until she passes out at home every night. She drinks more than any human being I have ever seen.
While my other sister was dying of cancer she hardly ever even called her or offered support.
About a year ago she started calling my sister in Seattle talking of suicide and sounding so out of it that my sister thought she was dying and flew up to Alaska to get her and bring her to my mothers home. From my sisters report her apartment was a hell hole filled with empty booze bottles, trash and unopened boxed of all kinds of products from home shopping channels.
Once at my moms she took over my mothers bed and for the most part laid in bed drinking. She was belligerent and downright mean to my mother even though my mom who lives on a fixed income and is almost 70 was sleeping on the floor of her own house. Things reached crisis level when my sister started to have trouble breathing and went to a clinic.
I knew my sister would never admit to the doctors that she was a drinker and so I called the clinic and told them that she was a chronic alcholic for 30 years and to check her heart and liver.
The nurse confronted her with the information I had given (although I was assured that this would be in confidence) and she started hyperventillating and becominbg hysterical. Anyway they did more tests and determined she was in heart failure. She was whisked away to the hospital and within 24 hours was on a ventilator and all organs, liver, heart and kidney were failing and we were given the diagnosis of multiple organ failure. They did not give her much of a chance and we feared the worst. She was on the ventilator for almost a month but somehow pulled through even though she contracted MERSA. The hospital staff called her a miracle.
During her time in the hospital my mother, sister and myself tried to find all the recovery resources we could. The hospital had two social workers but all they cared about was her insurance.
The doctors said her heart is running at 20% capacity and she is on a dozens of drugs for her liver, kidney and heart. Her chronic drinking caused alcoholic cardiomyopathy causing the weakened heart muscle to pump inefficiently, leading to heart failure. She also had cirrhosis of the liver.
The doctors told her she would not live a year if she touched alcohol.
When released she was given a fist full of pills to keep her up and running and also received some out patient counseling and went to live in a sober living facility. While at the facility she said she did not belong there because she was not like the "those other people". She only went to alcoholic meeting so she could stay at the facility.
She started getting her life back together and got a job and rented a basement room. I heard through my sister and mom that she was staying on the wagon although drinking O' Dooles, a non-alcoholic beer(she has refused to talk to me because I had called the clinic and told them she was an alcoholic)
Fast forward to now....she has started drinking again and has told my sister to check on her every few days in case something happens and her dog is left alone. She also claims the damage to her heart was caused by the paddles that she was shocked with in the hospital. this is ridiculous because we don't even think she was shocked with paddles and had been hospitalized the year before for severe heart problems. At the time she told us she had inherited a heart defect but we now know it was the alcoholic cardiomyopathy which were caused by her drinking. DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL. I know she will tell herself anything to continue to drink.
So now we are on death watch. She is killing herself and will be dead in a few months.
Is there anything to be done? My sister and mom do not think so. my mother naively thought nearly dying would make her stop drinking but now we know nothing will.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I am sitting at the edge a lake watching her drown and I can do nothing. Or can I?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Some history:
My sister started drinking at 15 years of age. During her teenage years everyone around her chalked her drinking up to 'sowing some wild oats'. She received her first DWI that we know about in her early 20s. I am sure she had more then one but she is very secretive about her life. I also know whe was in jail for a while on the DWI but do not know for how long. She has been married 3 times and the last time to another alcoholic. It was a destructive and violent relationship. After her marriage ended she went to live in an isolated community in Alaska. An alcoholic's paradise. She isolated herself from all family. We would rarely here from her with the exception an occasional drunken phone call. She liked to get on the phone when she had 4 or 5 glasses of wine. As the phone call progressed she would start becoming sloppily sentimental and ramble on and on until she became unintelligible and somtimes would pass out while on the phone.
She is the type of alcoholic who always managed to hold a full time job and then once off work she would drink until she passes out at home every night. She drinks more than any human being I have ever seen.
While my other sister was dying of cancer she hardly ever even called her or offered support.
About a year ago she started calling my sister in Seattle talking of suicide and sounding so out of it that my sister thought she was dying and flew up to Alaska to get her and bring her to my mothers home. From my sisters report her apartment was a hell hole filled with empty booze bottles, trash and unopened boxed of all kinds of products from home shopping channels.
Once at my moms she took over my mothers bed and for the most part laid in bed drinking. She was belligerent and downright mean to my mother even though my mom who lives on a fixed income and is almost 70 was sleeping on the floor of her own house. Things reached crisis level when my sister started to have trouble breathing and went to a clinic.
I knew my sister would never admit to the doctors that she was a drinker and so I called the clinic and told them that she was a chronic alcholic for 30 years and to check her heart and liver.
The nurse confronted her with the information I had given (although I was assured that this would be in confidence) and she started hyperventillating and becominbg hysterical. Anyway they did more tests and determined she was in heart failure. She was whisked away to the hospital and within 24 hours was on a ventilator and all organs, liver, heart and kidney were failing and we were given the diagnosis of multiple organ failure. They did not give her much of a chance and we feared the worst. She was on the ventilator for almost a month but somehow pulled through even though she contracted MERSA. The hospital staff called her a miracle.
During her time in the hospital my mother, sister and myself tried to find all the recovery resources we could. The hospital had two social workers but all they cared about was her insurance.
The doctors said her heart is running at 20% capacity and she is on a dozens of drugs for her liver, kidney and heart. Her chronic drinking caused alcoholic cardiomyopathy causing the weakened heart muscle to pump inefficiently, leading to heart failure. She also had cirrhosis of the liver.
The doctors told her she would not live a year if she touched alcohol.
When released she was given a fist full of pills to keep her up and running and also received some out patient counseling and went to live in a sober living facility. While at the facility she said she did not belong there because she was not like the "those other people". She only went to alcoholic meeting so she could stay at the facility.
She started getting her life back together and got a job and rented a basement room. I heard through my sister and mom that she was staying on the wagon although drinking O' Dooles, a non-alcoholic beer(she has refused to talk to me because I had called the clinic and told them she was an alcoholic)
Fast forward to now....she has started drinking again and has told my sister to check on her every few days in case something happens and her dog is left alone. She also claims the damage to her heart was caused by the paddles that she was shocked with in the hospital. this is ridiculous because we don't even think she was shocked with paddles and had been hospitalized the year before for severe heart problems. At the time she told us she had inherited a heart defect but we now know it was the alcoholic cardiomyopathy which were caused by her drinking. DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL. I know she will tell herself anything to continue to drink.
So now we are on death watch. She is killing herself and will be dead in a few months.
Is there anything to be done? My sister and mom do not think so. my mother naively thought nearly dying would make her stop drinking but now we know nothing will.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I am sitting at the edge a lake watching her drown and I can do nothing. Or can I?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, you are dealing with a lot!
I'm sure others will be along with some great ES&H but all I can offer is this. She is still in denial, trying to find others to blame for her problems and will not get help until SHE is ready. The best thing the rest of you can do is find al-anon meetings and get some support from others who have been through or are going through something similar.
Unfortunately, there are several people on here who have watched a loved one kill themselves with alcohol.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you stick around, read other posts and get to know the wondeful people who are here. I've never met a more supportive bunch of friends, from all over the world.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sure others will be along with some great ES&H but all I can offer is this. She is still in denial, trying to find others to blame for her problems and will not get help until SHE is ready. The best thing the rest of you can do is find al-anon meetings and get some support from others who have been through or are going through something similar.
Unfortunately, there are several people on here who have watched a loved one kill themselves with alcohol.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you stick around, read other posts and get to know the wondeful people who are here. I've never met a more supportive bunch of friends, from all over the world.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
My experience has been that no...there is nothing you can do. Pray is the ONLY thing you can do for her. It has to be HER choice to stop. There are ways, resources and all kinds of support for her if she so chooses to stop. But until then....nothing. I hate it, this disease totally sucks. It is cunning, baffling & powerful just like the book says. It kills and that is sad. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I am so grateful you are here. I have been sober for 11 yrs next month and there was NOTHING anyone in my family could do for me either.....until I had had enough!! Hang in there......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just sending some hugs and prayers your way. My addict is my daughter who is 22 and an only child. I had to let her go so that she could find her bottom. She is currently in a halfway house because she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I still take things one day at a time and try to be grateful that today she is clean and willing to work a program so that she can stay that way. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by worldtraveler 
DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL.
I feel for you and I'm sorry you are witnessing this. Say your prayers and love her, though from afar. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
World Traveler,
So sorry that you are going through this with your sister.
You've received some good advice and support...not sure I can add anything useful, so I just want to give you a (((hug)))....and let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family.
You know all of the sayings by now...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it...but sometimes you feel the guilt, thinking "i could have done more".
The reality is that you can do more and more and more...and she still would do what she "in her mind...needed to do".
I don't often suggest people seek therapy...but it may be beneficial to YOUR health to talk to someone about the stress, and should your sister's health deteriorate more, you may need someone professional to help you manage the grief process.
Blessings to you and your family.
Rivka
So sorry that you are going through this with your sister.
You've received some good advice and support...not sure I can add anything useful, so I just want to give you a (((hug)))....and let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family.
You know all of the sayings by now...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it...but sometimes you feel the guilt, thinking "i could have done more".
The reality is that you can do more and more and more...and she still would do what she "in her mind...needed to do".
I don't often suggest people seek therapy...but it may be beneficial to YOUR health to talk to someone about the stress, and should your sister's health deteriorate more, you may need someone professional to help you manage the grief process.
Blessings to you and your family.
Rivka
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I don't know what to do. I feel like I am sitting at the edge a lake watching her drown and I can do nothing. Or can I?
I understand the pain you feel..... it is so horrible.
My thoughts are with you xoxoxo
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((worldtraveler))))
Thank you for sharing your story, sometimes, just sharing the experience you are going through helps you to lessen the load.
So sorry to hear about your sisters health. My son is drug dependent, and like you, sometimes I feel as if I am experiencing a death watch too. The hazards of having a family member dealing with addiction...sad...
The only thing I have to add is, although your sisters health looks very bad right now, the only one who knows when her end will be is her H.P.
Prayer, and hope is all you have left, and sometimes, miracles happen.
YOU take care of you and your mom.
Hugs,
Thank you for sharing your story, sometimes, just sharing the experience you are going through helps you to lessen the load.
So sorry to hear about your sisters health. My son is drug dependent, and like you, sometimes I feel as if I am experiencing a death watch too. The hazards of having a family member dealing with addiction...sad...
The only thing I have to add is, although your sisters health looks very bad right now, the only one who knows when her end will be is her H.P.
Prayer, and hope is all you have left, and sometimes, miracles happen.
YOU take care of you and your mom.
Hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sending my prayers for your sister too, how sad it is to watch loved ones self-destruct.
We are here for you, for support and as a place to share and vent, and please know that we understand and we care.
Hugs
We are here for you, for support and as a place to share and vent, and please know that we understand and we care.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. honey, there is nothing you can do for your sister. you can not save her, she has to save her self. there is so much good advise here that i just want to give you a hug & let you know u have done all u can do. it is her life & her choices. i will say a prayer for you & her & your family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
*hugs*
I wish there was some silver lining that we could throw on this dark cloud and make it all better. But unfortunately, she is the only one who can really help herself.
Depending on where you live, a lot of states have some kind of rule where, if a family member sees the addict/ alcoholic do something that could harm themselves or someone else, they can get a court to hold that person for up to 72 hours to watch them, and even make them go into treatment from there if they feel it is needed.
But let me tell you... my parents did this to my sister several times when her heroin addiction was at its worst, and it did little to no good. What we learned from it was that, until the addict (please substitute the word "alcoholic" as you see fit) wants to make the initiative to get help, there is nothing that anyone can do that will change their mind. Because once they get to the treatment facilities, there are ways to trick the staff into switching their status to "voluntary" from "involuntary," and then they can up and leave, no matter what the court order says. So even this is no guarantee that she will really be held as long as she should be.
The only other advice I can offer is that I hope you will try to put yourself first in all of this. Her addiction is affecting you in every way. That's not right. You deserve to be happy and healthy, regardless of how your sister chooses to live her life.
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? I hope you will try to hunt one down near you... they can be a great resource.
Also, please keep coming back here and keep us posted; we're here for you!
*hugs and prayers*
I wish there was some silver lining that we could throw on this dark cloud and make it all better. But unfortunately, she is the only one who can really help herself.
Depending on where you live, a lot of states have some kind of rule where, if a family member sees the addict/ alcoholic do something that could harm themselves or someone else, they can get a court to hold that person for up to 72 hours to watch them, and even make them go into treatment from there if they feel it is needed.
But let me tell you... my parents did this to my sister several times when her heroin addiction was at its worst, and it did little to no good. What we learned from it was that, until the addict (please substitute the word "alcoholic" as you see fit) wants to make the initiative to get help, there is nothing that anyone can do that will change their mind. Because once they get to the treatment facilities, there are ways to trick the staff into switching their status to "voluntary" from "involuntary," and then they can up and leave, no matter what the court order says. So even this is no guarantee that she will really be held as long as she should be.
The only other advice I can offer is that I hope you will try to put yourself first in all of this. Her addiction is affecting you in every way. That's not right. You deserve to be happy and healthy, regardless of how your sister chooses to live her life.
Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? I hope you will try to hunt one down near you... they can be a great resource.
Also, please keep coming back here and keep us posted; we're here for you!
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
Posts: 135
I can relate to so much of what you are going through. Especially about the denial and blame and treating people who are trying to help not so well. I am in the same boat with my addict.
And I have to watch as he gets sicker and sicker. I am new so all I can say is I relate. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love get sicker and sicker. And I have worn myself out, and given us so much of my life and happiness. I thought I could continue to give up happiness, but now I am getting sick. My addict is constantly in pain and can’t even move without drugs or alcohol.
THere are lots of experienced and caring people who will listen and share here.
I’ve been advised to try meetings and I will try again, I’ve been to a few over the years but I’m going to try again.
I hope you find some comfort and clarity
And I have to watch as he gets sicker and sicker. I am new so all I can say is I relate. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love get sicker and sicker. And I have worn myself out, and given us so much of my life and happiness. I thought I could continue to give up happiness, but now I am getting sick. My addict is constantly in pain and can’t even move without drugs or alcohol.
THere are lots of experienced and caring people who will listen and share here.
I’ve been advised to try meetings and I will try again, I’ve been to a few over the years but I’m going to try again.
I hope you find some comfort and clarity
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by worldtraveler
I do not think my sister has 'wet brain'. I googled it an she has none of the symptoms.
I'm sorry if I disturbed you by posting that. I didn't post it to be a voice of doom, it was a possible explanation of her irrational thinking combined with her other health issues. Her doctors are the only ones who can diagnose it.
It was something that was covered at my RAD's rehab during the family sessions; it helped a few people understand what was going on with their loved ones.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi world, welcome. sorry to hear about your sister. i know first hand how painful this is. i lost my little brother, my dad and a few other close relatives as a result of alcohol and drugs. i agree with the others. as sad and painful as it is, there is nothing you can do other than pray and continue to take care of you. keeping you and your family in my prayers
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Like the others, I know from the experience of trying everything, that recovery is an inside job - it has to come from within the person who is addicted.
That said, there are miracles - and I hear about those miracles when I attend open AA meetings. There I have heard about folks who have been at death's door and then had a spriitual awakening and found some solace and sobriety, even if their remaining time wa short.
But I imagine you have all suffered greatly from your sister's drinking. It did me a world of good to attend lots (and lots!) of Alanon meetings. I thought they were supposed to tell me how to "fix" my alcoholic and addicted relatives and children... so that is why I first attended. What I have found out since, is that *I* was TERRIBLY affected by family alcoholism... some of it from MY childhood (which, since I survived it, I thought I was not affected anymore... wrong!).
I hope you can find some meeting to attend - of both flavors. They can be VERY informative and helpful to us who are left to clean up the damage left by our actively addicted loved ones.
There is a way to love the woman beneath the addiction - even if she never stops drinking... and that alone is worth attending meetings for.
I wish you the best.
That said, there are miracles - and I hear about those miracles when I attend open AA meetings. There I have heard about folks who have been at death's door and then had a spriitual awakening and found some solace and sobriety, even if their remaining time wa short.
But I imagine you have all suffered greatly from your sister's drinking. It did me a world of good to attend lots (and lots!) of Alanon meetings. I thought they were supposed to tell me how to "fix" my alcoholic and addicted relatives and children... so that is why I first attended. What I have found out since, is that *I* was TERRIBLY affected by family alcoholism... some of it from MY childhood (which, since I survived it, I thought I was not affected anymore... wrong!).
I hope you can find some meeting to attend - of both flavors. They can be VERY informative and helpful to us who are left to clean up the damage left by our actively addicted loved ones.
There is a way to love the woman beneath the addiction - even if she never stops drinking... and that alone is worth attending meetings for.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
I lost my mother last year to cirrosis. She was 64, started drinking in her fourties. She quit drinking as soon as her diagnosis was confirmed. By then it was too late she was extremely mentally confused, she suffered from seizures, heart problems, numerous health problems due to her alcoholism. On her good days she was still in denial, she didnt have cirrosis she had cancer ( thats what she wanted everyone to believe) She never admitted she was an alcoholic through all those years. It is heartbreaking to watch some one we love destroy themselves, I only wish now that I was more prepared to the signs of her deteriation. Rivka's advice about therapy may be very beneficial to you. We all wish there was more we could do for the addicts in our lives. Unless they are ready to get help there is nothing we can do. This is her struggle. We have no contol over it. Prayers to you and your family.
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