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Son moves back home and so begins the chaos....

Old 07-11-2008, 08:49 AM
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krhea75
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Son moves back home and so begins the chaos....

Well,
My son moved back home after meeting some of my requirements. He finally agreed to not bringing the pit bull home, paid me $50 of the money he owed me for wrecking my car, and began the process of signing up for college. Things seemed good for a while. He seemed like his old self. he still wasn't going to meetings, but I was hoping for the best. He is also still going to work at KFC.

Yesterday he got his paycheck and was gone all day. But he came home at 1:30 a.m. yelling at me because he couldn't find his checkbook and his dad had his atm card because he went in overdraft last month. I heard someone else come in the house as he was rummaging through my cupboards and yelling at me, so I got up and said who else is coming in my house? He yelled, it's just his friend, can't he just have his friends over. As he left, I got a whiff of alcohol. When I got up this a.m., my front door was left open.

today I need to kick him out. I just read ann's poem and the part about self-love really struck me. I need to care about me more than him. It's hard as a parent, and to be honest, I don't think I can do this. But I know in my head I need to do this. How do I get from the knowledge to the action?

Krhea
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:54 AM
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Khrea,

You are so strong. I know you can do this. You have been such a great motivator for me in the past... you have taught me so many things.

Something that I have relearned these past few days is that doing what helps us most actually, backwards as it sounds, ends up helping our addicts most as well. The more that we try to "help" them, the more they expect our help, and the less they do on their own.

So, try to not think of it as kicking him out. Think of it as forcing him to act his age and take care of himself. You can do it, and so can he.

Best wishes! *hugs and prayers*
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:47 AM
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Krhea, I am so sorry for your heartbreak with your son. I know it won't be easy, but sometimes we have to the tough thing. ((((HUGS))) From everything I have been reading here having him leave is the right thing. I haven't been there yet and just reading about it pulls everything from me but I know it is what we have to do for them and for us. He knew what he was doing all day, he knew you were worried and he still came in the middle of the night to find he card or checks. That is what you have to think of right now, that he wanted it his way.
Look out for you now so he will know you both mean business. ((hugs and prayers))))
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Old 07-11-2008, 12:14 PM
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Thanks for the quick comments. I can't believe lady that I have been a help to anyone with my messed up life, but I thank you for the kind comment. yes, I know I can do this. I have been talking to myself: "you are worth more than this. Helping him keeps him in his addiction. You are making things easy on him, when he needs to face the reality." I always read about the others on this site and never really understood the heartbreak of kicking your kid out. I do now. I keep wanting to say, "he's only 18, he's been doing better, blah, blah, blah." the truth is, I've been stepping in and helping him do better. If it were up to him, he would have already hit his bottom.
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Old 07-11-2008, 12:22 PM
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If he never had an addiction and was being inconsiderate, not following house rules, would you kick him out?
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Old 07-11-2008, 12:27 PM
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Short version of my story with two AS: they went to treatment at 14 and 15years old (I thought they weren't "that bad" - I was the queen of denial and doing all the wrong things in the name of mother love), one just celebrated 25years of recovery and is 40 years old. The other has been in and out of recovery, mostly out - and will have a year at the end of this month. He is 41.

The one back in recovery said that if I hadn't thrown him out at 18 (and he didn't graduate from high school) he would have died. And he thanked me for never giving up on him, but also for not allowing him to move back home and disrupting our lives, and for my years of recovery in Alanon. He said that me learning to say "no" made him respect me.

So that's the other side of the story. But recovery from codie stuff was really hard for me - today I know that my mother love just about killed him. In the beginning, I was told to just do the opposite of my instincts and it would probably be right. And that's just about the truth.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

P.S. After we evicted him from our home at 18, we lived for weeks with the drug dealer calling and threatening to torch our house for unpaid debts. His "friends" were very scary!
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Old 07-11-2008, 12:42 PM
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Enabling someone is hard to see , You think that what your doing is helping fact is its only allowing them to do more of what ever its is that they wish to do .And definatly a hard choice to make to toss them out , But its the only way to get the point across that they need to do something on there own , being supporting there own habits or get clean and live life as a sober clean adult .They may point the finger at you and say its all your fault . But its not! they make the choices to use , we addicts know its our own self will that makes us do what we do or did , and no ones other then ourselfs are to blame , I hope that he finds a program and gets help and mean while your doing what you need to do and take care of #1 ( you ).
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Old 07-11-2008, 03:43 PM
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Krhea, You are helping people by telling your story. My daughter will probably be coming home next month from the halfway house and if she does not live with our rules then she will be out. I may need your strength and guidance as I have never done this before. So you hang in there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but I do believe you are doing the right thing. He will never grow up if you don't give him the chance. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-11-2008, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
Krhea, You are helping people by telling your story.

I may need your strength and guidance as I have never done this before.

So you hang in there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but I do believe you are doing the right thing. He will never grow up if you don't give him the chance. Hugs, Marle
Count me as another one who admires your strength and what you are doing because it has to be done.
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:42 PM
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My AS just called, wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was upset with him. He couldn't figure out why. When I told him why I was upset, he said "That's what you're kicking me out for?" with disbelief. Please pray that I can be strong! He needs this slap in the face so badly.
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:44 PM
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Sending prayers for strength for you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:55 PM
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You know, krhea, I too always felt bad and guilty when I had to kick my son out...and then I realized that I had it backwards...he got HIMSELF kicked out by using, being disrespectful, or crossing our boundaries. I was simply the one that pointed him to the door. He knew the rules, he knew the difference between respect and behaving badly, he KNEW.

Each time I did, I gave him numbers for detox, numbers for rehabs and a list of local meetings. The choice was his which road to take.

It's up to you whether you follow through or not (it took me many tries), but please know that you are not a bad mother, you are not being mean...you are holding him accountable and responsible for his behaviour...that's a good thing to do.

Hugs
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:55 PM
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krhea,
Your not giving up on your son remember that, your helping him to help himself. I am sure he is trying to make you feel like an idiot and guilty and I think it may be working?
Stay strong and keep with your word. Do not let him talk you out of it. I know it seems easy for me to say but you will be telling me the same if my AD does the same to me when she gets home.
Were all behind you and here for you. ((((hugs)))))
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Old 07-11-2008, 06:08 PM
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(((Krhea)))

Kicking him out is the best thing you can do....this coming from a recovering addict.

I'm 46, live at home. I have rules I have to abide by....if I don't, I'm out. I stay clean, I pay rent and bills, which means I have to work. With this arrangement, not only do I have a home to live in, but I help dad financially and mentally, because I work my recovery and he is learning a lot from my codie recovery.

Sending you big hugs and prayers....you're doing the right thing by kicking him out.

Amy
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Old 07-11-2008, 08:51 PM
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((((Khrea)))) I'm praying for you...You are stronger than you realize and you are doing the right thing for both of you.

Ann's comment
he got HIMSELF kicked out by using, being disrespectful, or crossing our boundaries. I was simply the one that pointed him to the door
reminded me of something I heard last night at a meeting. A man whose daughter has been clean about 3 years now was talking about a family meeting when she first went to rehab and how his daughter was complaining that he "kicked her out" He responded, "I did not kick you out; I kicked the drugs out of my house...You just still happened to be attached to them." It was a turning point in their relationship...in a very positive way.
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Old 07-11-2008, 09:00 PM
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I think it is just the opposite... kicking him out is really hard on you and does nothing to you but bring tears, but it will bring him closer to recovery by not having you to lean on.... kicking him out takes care of him and THEN will take care you.

Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
....I need to care about me more than him.....
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:12 PM
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Thanks all for the encouragement. I really needed to hear all that. I've been away from the board for awhile and it feels so good to be back. i guess I just got tired of addiction and wanted a break. My AS came over tonight and got a few things. At first he was just coming in to change his clothes and he was planning on coming back later. I told him to take his clothes with him. He's not coming back. My boyfriend was here at the time so my AS didn't say much. I expect the guilt phone calls to start any time now. I'm doing okay right now. Not falling apart, just a little sad. And tired. Tired of the whole mess.

I liked the way you said it, he is getting himself kicked out. He knows what I expect and he just ignores it, denies it. Well, we'll see where this goes. I've made it through day 1.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:59 AM
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krhea75,
It's funny, how on one hand we truly believe we are "Helping" them get back on their feet when we let them come home. Actually the opposite is true, we are harming them by not letting them assume responsibility for their own lives.

While at the same time, we deserve to live OUR lives happy and guilt free.


You're doing a good job, being strong, and thinking things through, and setting a wonderful example for others.
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Old 07-12-2008, 09:21 AM
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Well last night about 1:30 my door bell began ringing. I laid in bed, trying to ignore it. He walked around my house and found the back door open. I must have forgotten to lock it after I watered my flowers. I told him to leave, he said he had no place else to go, he came into my bedroom and I saw him stumble a bit. Eventually he went to bed. I thought man, I am a failure. But this morning he got up to go to work and when I went outside to get my newspaper, there was a bottle of crown royal whiskey sitting by the front porch. Just another little reminder he left for me. I told him I was done. He is not staying here. So we'll see how tonight goes. I will have to remember to lock my doors! I know I'm doing the right thing. He said he would start going to AA again, I said that's fine. come back when he's been clean for awhile. Maybe this will motivate him,maybe it won't. I just have to do what is right for me.
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Old 07-12-2008, 11:13 AM
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((krhea))

I know how hard it is to watch my sober son struggle and lead his own life, I can only imagine how hard this is for you, be strong in your decisions, not just for him, but for yourself.

Sending lots of mom hugs from another mom.
B
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