Called out on Codie behavior -and it hurts
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Called out on Codie behavior -and it hurts
You know as a Codie when you think you are doing better and think you can move forward...only to find out that you are faking yourself out and still in love with the ASO (alki sig other) that you say you are OK just being friends with, or walking away from, while they TRY recovery again? And then you let them (key word is LET) emotionally walk all over you and treat you like crap because you are afraid that confronting them will scare them away and you want more than anything to be with them....addicted or not?
Well, I got called out on it today, but our mutual friend who is 7 years sober.
This mutual friend reminded me that this guy who is in rehab is sick....really sick and tho I have feelings for him..real feelings....I will get very hurt if I don't "move on" as it will take him years to be in a position to have a real relationship. She said it many times in our conversation. I feel like a dork that I KNOW I need to do that, but it just hurts and it's hard to "turn off your emotions".
It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab.
It hurts that he is talking crap about me.
It hurts that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it.
It hurts that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.
My head knows that if he is detoxing and saying crazy stuff that it really doesn't have much to do with me...it's HIS battle and if he says things about me I shouldn't take it personally.
BUT...its taking my heart a while to catch up with my head.
You too?
Well, I got called out on it today, but our mutual friend who is 7 years sober.
This mutual friend reminded me that this guy who is in rehab is sick....really sick and tho I have feelings for him..real feelings....I will get very hurt if I don't "move on" as it will take him years to be in a position to have a real relationship. She said it many times in our conversation. I feel like a dork that I KNOW I need to do that, but it just hurts and it's hard to "turn off your emotions".
It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab.
It hurts that he is talking crap about me.
It hurts that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it.
It hurts that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.
My head knows that if he is detoxing and saying crazy stuff that it really doesn't have much to do with me...it's HIS battle and if he says things about me I shouldn't take it personally.
BUT...its taking my heart a while to catch up with my head.
You too?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by rivka 
You know as a Codie when you think you are doing better and think you can move forward...only to find out that you are faking yourself out and still in love with the ASO (alki sig other) that you say you are OK just being friends with, or walking away from, while they TRY recovery again? And then you let them (key word is LET) emotionally walk all over you and treat you like crap because you are afraid that confronting them will scare them away and you want more than anything to be with them....addicted or not?
Well, I got called out on it today, but our mutual friend who is 7 years sober.
This mutual friend reminded me that this guy who is in rehab is sick....really sick and tho I have feelings for him..real feelings....I will get very hurt if I don't "move on" as it will take him years to be in a position to have a real relationship. She said it many times in our conversation. I feel like a dork that I KNOW I need to do that, but it just hurts and it's hard to "turn off your emotions".
It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab.
It hurts that he is talking crap about me.
It hurts that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it.
It hurts that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.
My head knows that if he is detoxing and saying crazy stuff that it really doesn't have much to do with me...it's HIS battle and if he says things about me I shouldn't take it personally.
BUT...its taking my heart a while to catch up with my head.
You too?
Well, I got called out on it today, but our mutual friend who is 7 years sober.
This mutual friend reminded me that this guy who is in rehab is sick....really sick and tho I have feelings for him..real feelings....I will get very hurt if I don't "move on" as it will take him years to be in a position to have a real relationship. She said it many times in our conversation. I feel like a dork that I KNOW I need to do that, but it just hurts and it's hard to "turn off your emotions".
It hurts that he specifically told this friend that he doesn't want to see me while in rehab.
It hurts that he is talking crap about me.
It hurts that I'm offering to give this guy my time and patience and he doesn't get it...or want it.
It hurts that I'm often paralyzed by the unreciprocated affection when he's in this disease.
My head knows that if he is detoxing and saying crazy stuff that it really doesn't have much to do with me...it's HIS battle and if he says things about me I shouldn't take it personally.
BUT...its taking my heart a while to catch up with my head.
You too?
I am not sure how bad your aso addiction is - but if he is in rehab to me that says he is trying and wants to get help. have you been in this relationship a long time? was he sober when you starting dating? Just becasue he is in rehab does not mean that he does not love you like your friend is saying - it does not mean that you can not have a relationship should he continue to chose sobriety? So I am not sure why your friend is telling you this?
I don't think they are allowed to see anyone while in rehab until after 30 days - but I am not sure on that?
I would love to hear back from you. Hang in there. There is always a light at the end of the tunnell.
your heart will heal what ever happens. we cant save the world but we can save ourselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Thanks, Jackie for the kind words....
He and I developed a close relationship over the last 6 months, a couple of weeks into him starting work at my office...Yes, we work together...in hindsight, that can often be toxic, but we got very close emotionally, first as friends....and shared many personal issues...he's cried with me, and I felt like a best friend.....He told me he "used to" drink/take drugs, but that was a long time ago, and I had no reason to doubt him...There were no signs early on... Then work got stressful a few months ago....and though we never got "drunk" together, I started seeing a change in behavior...as did this mutual friend, that he began "talking to" about his "past addiction"...and I knew this.
I take responsibility for my past behavior with him, some of which I see now was very Codie, but in between his binges, when he was dry, I had some of the best times I can remember.
I trust this girl-friend, who also works with us, to be honest with me as she does NOT have feelings for him...but has been "there" for him and connects with him only on recovery-related stuff. I know, because she and I talk alot. He doesn't have a personal relationship like I do with him.
She visited him in rehab over the weekend, (she is on his list for Sunday visits...and she saw him last sunday too) which is allowed, and this time she relayed a message from me about how I am concerned about him and wish him well. When I asked her about his response, and how it was his birthday when she visited him, she said "look, you are way too close....". I said I was OK being friends with him if that would be better than in a relationship and she said "you can't....you have real feelings for him".....she wouldn't look me in the eyes, but said "he doesn't want to see anyone and doesn't want anyone to know he's there....she said several times that he is "still pretty sick...I know you have deep feelings for him, but......you need to move on. You are going to get hurt. Really hurt. You need to move on from him". She's said this before, but now, I'm thinking that he said something specific about me which prompted her response.
I got very upset, of course, feeling like she didn't tell me ALL of what he said...trying to spare my feelings. (I know this girl pretty well and can tell she was hesitant to say more).
I'm embarrassed, hurt, angry and frustrated that:
- He is OK with having her there to support him (she's been thru rehab so it's a diff relationship)
-He obviously doesn't value or need me to be there for him (yes...that's the Codie in me speaking)
- He seemingly doesn't appreciate my situation...wanting to be with his sorry ass (and that's the addiction in him speaking, I assume).
Doesn't matter. Still hurts.
: (
thanks for listening.
He and I developed a close relationship over the last 6 months, a couple of weeks into him starting work at my office...Yes, we work together...in hindsight, that can often be toxic, but we got very close emotionally, first as friends....and shared many personal issues...he's cried with me, and I felt like a best friend.....He told me he "used to" drink/take drugs, but that was a long time ago, and I had no reason to doubt him...There were no signs early on... Then work got stressful a few months ago....and though we never got "drunk" together, I started seeing a change in behavior...as did this mutual friend, that he began "talking to" about his "past addiction"...and I knew this.
I take responsibility for my past behavior with him, some of which I see now was very Codie, but in between his binges, when he was dry, I had some of the best times I can remember.
I trust this girl-friend, who also works with us, to be honest with me as she does NOT have feelings for him...but has been "there" for him and connects with him only on recovery-related stuff. I know, because she and I talk alot. He doesn't have a personal relationship like I do with him.
She visited him in rehab over the weekend, (she is on his list for Sunday visits...and she saw him last sunday too) which is allowed, and this time she relayed a message from me about how I am concerned about him and wish him well. When I asked her about his response, and how it was his birthday when she visited him, she said "look, you are way too close....". I said I was OK being friends with him if that would be better than in a relationship and she said "you can't....you have real feelings for him".....she wouldn't look me in the eyes, but said "he doesn't want to see anyone and doesn't want anyone to know he's there....she said several times that he is "still pretty sick...I know you have deep feelings for him, but......you need to move on. You are going to get hurt. Really hurt. You need to move on from him". She's said this before, but now, I'm thinking that he said something specific about me which prompted her response.
I got very upset, of course, feeling like she didn't tell me ALL of what he said...trying to spare my feelings. (I know this girl pretty well and can tell she was hesitant to say more).
I'm embarrassed, hurt, angry and frustrated that:
- He is OK with having her there to support him (she's been thru rehab so it's a diff relationship)
-He obviously doesn't value or need me to be there for him (yes...that's the Codie in me speaking)
- He seemingly doesn't appreciate my situation...wanting to be with his sorry ass (and that's the addiction in him speaking, I assume).
Doesn't matter. Still hurts.
: (
thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
It does hurt!!! And I’m sorry you’re hurting. I've had the same pain, and it does get better.
But, I have learned that with addiction comes anger, guilt, and self-loathing (among other things). On both sides.
The best thing you can do for yourself (and him - to feed into your self-professed codie behavior- J) is to start on your own recovery. Learn about how addictions affect people and those around them.
Keep reading and posting.
juju
But, I have learned that with addiction comes anger, guilt, and self-loathing (among other things). On both sides.
The best thing you can do for yourself (and him - to feed into your self-professed codie behavior- J) is to start on your own recovery. Learn about how addictions affect people and those around them.
Keep reading and posting.
juju
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