kittycat1164

I posted just once or twice in April, but have been reading everyday. I do appreciate each and every one of you. You've given me the strength and courage to do what I've known for years I have to do. My ah is functioning, but regardless, he *is* an alcoholic. He's not physically abusive, but emotionally, he's devastating to our two teenage daughters. The little quips he says, the way he's detached from them, he's only is a body in the house...not an animated living being. In April i told my ah that he either needed to go to rehab or I wanted a divorce. He (of course) said he didn't need rehab. He hasn't missed work, no DUI's no problem... I'm over reacting (His words exactly were "you're amputating an arm for a splinter" blah blah blah. I told him that's what need to happen - rehab or divorce. He chose divorce. I don't think he thought I'd go through with it, I really don't. We agreed that it would be amicable, and that he wouldn't screw the girls - though I know that it's the nature of both the disease and divorce to get ugly. I called the bank and worked out a way to refinance the house and a second mortgage that we have so that payments for both would be affordable to me alone. My ah makes 70 percent of the household income so getting my funds in line is important. KY doesn't have alimony so all he'll be required to pay FOR SURE is child support. The courts may order "maintenance" but I can't count on that at all. But anyway, after I got everything in line for refinancing, he pulled out and said he wouldn't do it. It's a bad deal and it wasn't in his best interest. Well, in the long run, it probably wasn't the best. I wouldn't have been paying any on the principle but I'd be in the house and that's what I need until the girls are out of HS. It's a rotten time to sell now anyway, and in 5 years it will look better on the market. Well, regardless, when I called the bank to say it fell through, they were very supportive and told me that when the dust settled, to call them again and they'd work with me alone to make sure I could stay. I've got a bank account in my name, credit cards in my name, my credit score is perfect. I've hired a lawyer (After speaking with her, we decided we were married to the same man) My ah has a lawyer. I filed June 30 and he was served on July 1. We're both still living in the house, it's kinda weird, but we don't hate each other...I just don't like him any more for how he is. Court date is July 18. I'm waiting until my youngest gets back from being out of town. I don't want her trip to forever be associated with her returning to daddy being gone. Both girls know this is coming and we have explained that it's best that they live with me. I'll never take him out of their lives, nor will I slam him or bad mouth him to them. He is their father and I know in my heart that he loves them, and me for a matter of fact. I know that, but he's just not who he was. The bottle has changed his whole being and it breaks my heart. Somehow, we'll get by and when the court orders him to leave this house I fear he'll spiral, but I can't let that be on me. I've spoken with his family, and they understand but don't know how to help him either. His mom told me she loved me and prays for me and the girls every day. I told her to pray for her son---we'll be OK, but her son needs her prays and her help. She knows, just doesn't understand how to help him. I'm sorry this ended up to be so long. I thank you---this board helps me tremendously. Kittycat

peaceteach

Welcome, Kitty. You sound inspirational, even if you aren't feeling it. I like the way you are dealing with your situation with grace and calm. Keep coming back

Lilyflower

Welcome Kittycat,

What can I say but

You have dealt with all this so well! You are a strong person, as Peaceteach says even if you don't feel it now.

I hope things go well for you and this is all settled amicably, for you and your children,

Hugs and blessings to you,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dunerkat

kitty - you have such strength and courage! you have taken steps that will enable you and your children to start your lives in a positive, healthy way. Take care.

Barbara52

You are showing a great deal of inner strength here. My prayers are with all of you as you go thru this.

Mair

Hi Kitty

So glad to hear that you are looking out for you and your girls. You really are inspirational.

Your ah sounds very much like my sisters xah, they too ended their marriage amicably. they lived together for 6 months whilst waiting for the sale of their house and the divorce. I think my sister had detached years ago and although the situation was not ideal, both of them coped the best they could.

Today she has her own home, and is very happy, she has no regrets and no ill feeling towards her now xah.

I am sure that this will be your destiny.

Keep us posted, we could all learn a lot from you.

Mair xx

kittycat1164

Thank you everyone--- I don't feel particularly strong. I'm just doing what has to be done. I've never been a dweller, maybe that's what's getting me through this. When I decide to do something, I do it...I hope with all my heart it won't get ugly, but I've seen him when he gets the "drunk arrogance" and I can see how it may not work the way I hope. However it falls, I know I can come here and read and have support, though it's amazing to me how many friends I have and never really knew it. I'm really blessed very very blessed. Thank you!!

Kindeyes

kittycat
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. Your head seems to be in a good place. I agree with Mair.......I hope you keep posting. There are so many spouses of alcoholics/addicts who could learn a great deal from your experiences.
gentle hugs