juju

sorry, I'll do an intro later. But I've been lurking here for a couple months. And really couldn't think of anywhere else to turn right now.

AH is drunk again. Even tried hiding it. How do I enforce boundaries without affecting the kids? I really want to keep them off this rollercoaster.

He's been "trying", and has done "ok" for about 6 months. Really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt or the chance to "prove" himself as he calls it. Refuses AA, quitting completely, anything. He thinks he can control it (I know better, but like I said, I'm trying to save my family here). He seemed to for a while. Well, it's back. I've been waiting for it. Crap.

I've really been hesitant against Alanon. The thought of F2F meetings send me into a panic.

Sorry for the rude intro. But I'm just so fed up. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be so gone. Dr Jekell Mr Hyde, don't think I need to say anymore than that. Not abusive, but getting smart alecy. Not worried about it. Feeling strong in that dept. Crap.

suzieq1972

Welcome juju. You came to the right place.

Any boundaries you decide to enforce are to protect your children and yourself. As of right now, with no boundaries in place they ARE on the rollercoaster. They see and hear more than you think. In fact, they may have even known something was up before you did (depending on their age).

IMO, there is not one alcoholic who can "control" their drinking. It's all or nothing. You said that you know that, but obviously he doesn't. Instead of worrying about saving him you should put the focus on you and your children. You can't save him, he has to do that on his own.

It's not easy and it's definitely heartbreaking but you and your children need to be your first priority. He's a grown man, let him figure it out. But, put the boundaries in place to protect those precious children.

freya

Hi, juju! Welcome to SoberRecovery!

Maybe you could try turning this question around and asking yourself: How do you NOT enforce boundaries without affecting the kids????

Well, I'm guessing you know that alcoholism is a family disease, which means that the family members of the alcoholic can experience and exhibit behaviors and symptoms just like the alcoholic does. Some of the behaviors/symptoms that they can both experience are denial and isolating. What struck me about the above section of your post is that you seem to be very clear that AA would help him if he would go -- yet you yourself cannot bring yourself to go the meetings that might help you. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on one's perspective!) you cannot make him do the things that might help him....but you have 100% control over doing the things that might help you. In my own experience, I really accomplish the most when I focus most of my time and energy on the things that I have the most control over.

No need to apologize -- and I didn't see anything rude about your post -- but really, truly do think about the consequences of NOT setting and enforcing boundaries. We all have the power to teach the people around us how to treat us (or, if they refuse to treat us right and with respect, we teach them that we can and will choose not to be around them.) -- and, as mothers, we also have the power to teach our children how they should let others treat them. What do you really want to teach your children?

freya


[/I][/I]

LorraeOz

Hi Juju,

I don't think I'll be much help, but I do empathise with your situation. I too have kids (they are 5 & 8), and it's difficult to sheild them but at the same time enforce your boundaries.

I've heard suggestions of leaving the house, going for a walk when your AH is drunk, but that's difficult with 2 children who are already in their pyjamas and don't need to be driven around in the dark. We've tried moving to another room and engaging the kids in another activity but my AH just follows us there. When he's drunk he gets more playful, he wants to roll about the floor and wrestle with the kids (which they adore).

So, I understand where you are coming from, hopefully someone will come up with some suggestions.

As for refusing to go to AA, my AH was the same. I flipped out 2 weeks ago and started sleeping on the couch and told him I was making arrangements to separate. Well........he went to the next available AA meeting and has been twice in total now, claims to have been sober since my flip out. Time will tell.

Regards
Lorrae

Bernadette

heya juju--
sorry you're going through this.
When you say "how do I enforce boundaries without affecting the kids" what do you mean? Are you attempting to hide Dad's alcoholism from the kids? It won't work you know. And in fact it puts in motion one of the most devastating effects of this illness on children: shame and secrecy. Children learn what they live. If they are over the age of 5 then you should talk to them about what's really going on. Don't be in denial about what they know. You can let them know that what your family is dealing with is Alcoholism. That it's a disease of addiction and that they didn't cause it , can't control it, and can't cure it.

It would have saved me a world of grief if my mother had the courage to, even once, speak to me plainly about what was going on and why our family dynamic was so screwed up. We were a lovely family to everyone from the outside. It was a bunch of baloney and burns me up to this day.

Only you can know what is the right thing to do for your family, but I urge you to try AlAnon or private counseling and start some kind of dialog with your children. Alcoholism is a prgressive disease. It only gets worse - unless the A seeks sobriety and recovery. And then your kids will need to know that they have a recovering alcoholic father because recovery creates it's own unique family dynamic too. I know, my Dad found recovery when I was 15 and remained sober until his death 20 years later.

Sending prayers and good mojo for you and your children-- good luck and peace,
B.