firebird

I thought I had it all figured out. That I wanted to leave him. That I had had ennough. That nothing was going to change. Saw the pattern. Heard the empty words. But find myself second guessing everything. Maybe I'm being overcritical. His drinking and behaviour is not as bad as many on these boards. He's not here 100% in this relationship, but neither am I. I've lost alot of trust in him, but I that can be rebuilt--can't it? I'm probably just as much of the problem in this as he is. I'm so confused. I need to feel like my life is moving forward but am unable to fully commit to this relationship and cannot seem to leave. This eternal limbo and feeling like my life is standing still is paralyzing me.

Lilyflower

Fear is paralyzing. Fear of change, of the unknown, of being back single once again, wondering if i can find someone special again... Just lots and lots of fear.

You are getting to the point where you are about to take the next step, take that leap into the future and the unknown, and it is making you fearful. Familiarality is safe, we know what happens where we are, we know the rules of the 'game' we are playing right now. Your mind is naturally hanging onto the familiar, and creating reasons and excuses why you should stay in the familiar.

I felt this way too, just before I made the break. I took that step forward and now feel fantastic for it.

Have you heard the saying 'play the tape all the way through'? I suggest you do this. Remember why you wanted things to change, why you felt that ending it was the way forward for you. Ask do you want to be in a relationship where you will always come second to a drug? Where each day is uncertain, will there be peace or chaos tonight, will he be drunk or sober, will he be in a good mood or bad?

When you are ready to take the step forward you will, we all need to reach our bottom, fear and self doubts are very strong, they pull us back to our drug of choice - the alcoholic and his/her madness.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

firebird

Thanks for your words Lily. At times I know I have the strength--but it never seems to last too long. And I feel like such an idiot when the bags are packed and I'm ready to go, and then cave in and don't do it. . .and its the same old thing again. I think to myself, how many times does this have to happen till I get it? I guess one thing that frightens me that when I go, I won't be able to move on with my life--and I'll still be caught up in wanting to be with him (or the man he could be).

Janitw

The time to change is:

When the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving.

Stay strong hun

Barbara52

Perhaps you are not ready yet. Perhaps you might want to considermore AlAnon meetings or individual therapy to help you learn more and understand more so that you can be more secure in yourself and therby more secure in any decisions.

Lilyflower

It took me many times before I made it stick, I ended it that many times with him that I think he didn't believe I was going through with it the last time until the very end.

You will get there when you get there, and that'll be right for you. In the meantime be easy on yourself, this is not easy.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rella927

Fear is paralyzing for sure! I stayed ...I left....I stayed ....I left! When we are ready we just know!

Be gentle with yourself and know that you deserve more in your life-IMHO building
trust back up was something I tried a couple of times when I was back with my A and it
just did not work!

I had to forgive him for all the physical and emotional abuse in order
to move on with my life....he however had so much going on in his brain-and would just
continue to throw any wrong thing that I did in the realtionship back in my face....he was stuck
in the past and I wanted no part of the past!

I forgive for myself in order for my life to continue on a smoother path-

My HP,Counseling, Al-Anon and SR has guided me to a much more healthier and happier
way of life for me!

Take it easy...breathe and know that when you are ready to what you need for YOU, you will!

isitme

Firebird - I don't have any knowing words of wisdom for you, but what I can say is I'm right there with you. I go through the leaving/staying cycle much to much. It looks as though you've gotten some heart felt responses here and at least you know your not alone. I think everybody is right.. for all of us.. we'll know when we've had enough. I hope the best for you in your hard decisions to come, whether they be to leave or stay. I know for me.. either decision is a hard one.

firebird

Thanks to everyone. This forum makes me feel less isolated. I guess what I can't get my head around is that all I think about is leaving. When I try to leave, cave in and stay. But I'm wary and uncomfortable. Because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop I don't give 100% to this relationship--I have to hold a part of me back to protect myself. If I can't give it everything how can I expect him to? Things are ok for a few days (I start to relax and begin to trust that the cycle will not begin again) but it does. . . I see clearly that he is not giving me what I need, that I deserve and want better and that I should go. Intellectually I get it but emotionally I'm still not there.

stillsearching

Firebird,

I am exactly where you are....it's hard and scary, but I know that this is no life either.....he has no respect for me or our relationship...there is nothing there, except the bills being paid.......

firebird

I guess it is a matter of respect. He doesn't respect our relationship or our future to stop drinking or get help--jeez he doesn't admit that he has a problem. And it is a problem. He's not abusive and pays the bills but the alcohol always comes first, before us. And I always seem to be in the waiting room--waiting for him. Maybe I need to try to build up my self respect to make a better life on my own.

sdw1469

I've been in this cycle for years. He's out now but sometimes he'll call and want to hang out, and sometimes I say yes. We have a daughter so there's always an excuse for both of us. I know I'm better off with out him but I still miss him sometimes. One boundary at a time. Even if I spend time with him, he is no longer allowed to stay at my house. One step at I time.

It's easy to minimize when others hurt us. If it causes you pain it is a big deal.

Good luck. I know its tough.

NeedHappiness

Firebird, I am yet another who truly knows where you are coming from. I have been going back and forth with my decision to ask my XABF to leave for over a year now. It always seemed like the "time was never right". I couldn't kick him out because his sister just died, couldn't do it because his mother had cancer, couldn't do it because he just started a new job and I thought things would change, couldn't do it because his mother died......the list seemd to go on and on. We'd have a week of good days, then BANG, he'd get on a drunk and ruin it all. I, too, based MY moods on if he drank or not. I was always picking up the pieces and trying to fix things and fix him. It gets old and will finally take its toll on you. I found that I was more unhappy than I was happy. I cannot tell you how many times I have told myself 'I'm going to do it tonight!', then when "tonight" came, I'd lay on the bed crying because I didn't have the guts to face him and tell him. This went on for over a year.

I have been to one AlAnon meeting and didn't feel it was for me, BUT, they say to give it at least 6 or so meetings. It has helped MANY MANY people though. My attitude was one that made me feel like "why should I be the one going to meetings? HE IS THE ONE with the problem". The thing is, it is our problem too if we spend endless hours worrying and thinking about it. Eventually you will lose touch with yourself. I may end up going back to meetings so that I am able to recover from this all.
When I came to SR I had hit MY bottom with it all. I didn't care if I lived or died and most of the time just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere until it all went away. After reading others' stories on this website and doing a lot of talking to my HP, I have come to realize that I AM WORTH IT and I need to take care of myself!! Honestly, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop too and eventually it will. It's a visious cycle.
My A has chosen his drinking over me, his family, his kids, himself, his nice home....you name it. NOTHING is more important to him than getting a drink. I didn't realize that until I had been hurt time after time. It was hard for me to seperate him as a person from the disease. I felt like it was HIM not wanting to quit for me but actually it is the disease! His body is addicted to alcohol and there is nothing that I can do to change it.

I FINALLY got the courage to ask him to leave last Friday morning, after a week or more of watching him gulp down a pint of vodka everynight until he was in a stupor. Over the past several months it has gotten worse and my mind was overloaded with thinking about him and what I should do. I knoew the time was right for me when I had to keep checking on him to make sure he was breathing because he eidn't leave the couch for almost 2 days. I got so disgusted that something just "clicked" in my head and said NO MORE of this madness!!
Now I am waiting for him to get his things out and go. He knows that I have made up my mind but that doesn't make it any easier on me. I am a mix of emotions over all of this but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. I love this man dearly but nothing I have tried has helped him. That's because until he wants help he will continue to drink. It's a hard pill to swallow.
Concentrate on educating yourself about the disease and what you can do to maintain you OWN well being. I have read Co-Dependant no More and am presently reading Under the Influence and also Drinking: A Love Story. the more you educate yourself the better you will feel about your decision to stay or leave. You will know when the time is right if you need to leave.
Hugs and prayers to you

cautious

Firebird, very few decisions are "forever" decisions. Can you afford a six month lease somewhere? Maybe that would give you time to give your swimming head a chance to breathe and see what life is like not living with it 24/7.

Best wishes.

firebird

Thank you so much everyone for your words of support. What complicates my situation is getting out for me involves going home --to another country. So when I go, it needs to be for good. We are back together after a long separation and having had a long distance relationship. During our separation, I could not move on from him. . . and emotionally, he wouldn't let me go. So in many ways I was still caught up in the drama, only from afar. I have until recently been in denial about his drinking and thinking back over what I put up with before I left the first time, I can't believe I was so blind to it and made so many excuses to myself for his behaviour. I wish I had found this forum before I came back to him. Things are better now then before but I'm not sure they are good enough, it's almost too little too late. But making that final break is hard. And still I can't help but be on my own merry go round of second guessing my reactions to his behaviour, over analyzing everything, and a little pissed off and frightened at having to start over again.