Originally Posted by
firebird 
I thought I had it all figured out. That I wanted to leave him. That I had had ennough. That nothing was going to change. Saw the pattern. Heard the empty words. But find myself second guessing everything. Maybe I'm being overcritical. His drinking and behaviour is not as bad as many on these boards. He's not here 100% in this relationship, but neither am I. I've lost alot of trust in him, but I that can be rebuilt--can't it? I'm probably just as much of the problem in this as he is. I'm so confused. I need to feel like my life is moving forward but am unable to fully commit to this relationship and cannot seem to leave. This eternal limbo and feeling like my life is standing still is paralyzing me.
Fear is paralyzing. Fear of change, of the unknown, of being back single once again, wondering if i can find someone special again... Just lots and lots of fear.
You are getting to the point where you are about to take the next step, take that leap into the future and the unknown, and it is making you fearful. Familiarality is safe, we know what happens where we are, we know the rules of the 'game' we are playing right now. Your mind is naturally hanging onto the familiar, and creating reasons and excuses why you should stay in the familiar.
I felt this way too, just before I made the break. I took that step forward and now feel fantastic for it.
Have you heard the saying 'play the tape all the way through'? I suggest you do this. Remember why you wanted things to change, why you felt that ending it was the way forward for you. Ask do you want to be in a relationship where you will always come second to a drug? Where each day is uncertain, will there be peace or chaos tonight, will he be drunk or sober, will he be in a good mood or bad?
When you are ready to take the step forward you will, we all need to reach our bottom, fear and self doubts are very strong, they pull us back to our drug of choice - the alcoholic and his/her madness.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx