Callie

Just wanted to say that H hasn't heard back from his hair test. I'm fearing another glitch and who knows what the outcome will be. If you remember, if he doesn't pass hair test (which I can't think that he would unless they're not testing for those specific drugs) and can't provide medical documentation that he had a somewhat current rx then they still would not reinstate him. On top of that next week is shutdown so if he doesn't get an answer asap, we'll have to wait another week.

H has been to 2 NA meetings in the last 2 days (unheard of) and he actually told his story at the first one (not sure what went on today). He also had an appt for an assessment for drug rehab today (either in or outpatient). I'm finding myself in a bit of a mess. Although AH is still @ his moms - I find myself calling him 10x a day or him me and making sure he's up to call here or there, depending on him to make his appts, balance his checkbook, call work etc. Yesterday I realized that I NEED to take this time to detach and quit hovering.

I need to not call him @ his moms @ 9 to make sure he's up for an 11 appt. I need to not call and say hey, you need to take care of your bill ect. I need to quit hovering! Just today he missed an 11 appt. I called @ 9:30 and of course he wasn't up so he missed his appt. and had to reschedule at 2.

So, I'm going to stop and use this time to detach. I have to admit I AM doing better without him here. I don't miss seeing him daily, but it's like I cannot break free from this stupid control thing! It's not really meant to be control because I am protecting "my and my kids" best interest. But I just have so much trouble letting that go although I SOOO want to not have to worry about that crap.

I've told most of my family. They are of course supportive of me, but worried about H. He's been around for 21 years and they love him too. It's been a fine line between making them understand my side and need to get away, but telling them just enough to not hate him either. Same thing with his family. They are morally 100% behind me, but obviously blood is thicker than h20.

I have an appt with IC this week and am going to check out some Naranon meetings as well as a Coda meeting if possible. It's weird - my head has been in the RIGHT place when it comes to what H needs to do, but when it comes to myself I'm floundering with releasing him, though I KNOW that I need to do that. H would have to move mountains and perform miracles before I would ever give him another chance. I don't trust him farther than I can throw him.

Just venting I guess. Up until now the focus has been on him. It still is for the most part, but at some point I need to direct it towards me. How do you do that after 21 years of caring, watching out and hovering over someone else?? Thanks for reading.

BayAreaPhoenix

The meetings and IC will help you a lot Callie! I know the feeling well. I "knew" what my AH needed, where, what, how, when, etc. and when it came time to think about me? What kind of bread do I even actually like?

The more detached, and the more work I did, the clearer my head got, and continues to do so. I still find myself tuning into others needs and wants easier than mine, but I notice it and shake it off. They can take care of themselves, and if they need help or support with something they will ask, I do NOT need to anticipate what anyone else (especially AH) needs, it's time for me, and what I need. Same for you - it's time for YOU, and you will find you!

Hugs!

peaceteach

Callie,

What a tough time you've had, girl. And how well you have been maintaining your senses, I think, overall. So don't beat yourself up just yet. Just learn how this is affecting YOU, how much stress this is causing YOU.

One way I found to start working on me: Section out the things that cause you stress, you know, that awful, gut-wrenching fear or anxiety or worry, and you work on eliminating them in your life. Make a list. What are my worst fears/anxieties caused by? How can I stop that situation/action from having any presence in my life?

Take the steps at resolving it, for example, housing. Look into some possibilites that might be affordable, if say, you no longer had AH's income. Jobs, what could you do to increase your income (just yours) that might help if no support is coming in. I sense a big stress about money and keeping a good home for yourself and children. This is really holding you back from maintaining no contact. You obviously have enough fear here to keep calling him and seeing that he does everything to keep this job. It's keeping you in denial of what HE is experiencing, Callie. He is NOT THERE, not until he's working a program and totally committed to stopping. He may be close now, and if he is, the job might not even be the best thing for him in his recovery.

You can go slow, and draw it out so you truly feel you gave it your all (of course, we will all remind you lovingly that you never had it to give anyway, it wasn't yours to give, it was his to learn), or you can swiftly and methodically do it (which I call walking the walk, even if your heart isn't into it) and then sit back and let your body and mind re-adjust to what it feels like to, well, to LIKE life again, to love your days and nights.

It's a lot of stuff to face, I know, Callie. I had to do it, the house sell, finding the new place, taking all the kids and dog along with me, all that. I did have a job, so that was not a difficult area for me, just quickly learned to adjust the income, get the kids on my insurance, and pretty much do what I had been doing. I based every decision I made solely on MY income, so as not to be left in anxiety when he lost his job, which he did within months of our divorce. He still contributes, and is working on himself now without any help from me. As it should be if he is truly doing it to save HIS life.

Abundance

(((((((Callie)))))) .......

When I left my EXAH.... I was just as you are.... and I was fresh learning about codie ways too.. and what I did was this:

I got all my ducks in a row. Period. When I opened up my budget and no longer counted his income and matched up the expense with my income alone... and had no emotion in doing so..... it was like a snow ball going down the mountain and my strength was growing at the speed of light. It was like... I just zapped his income out and went into the mode of doing it all on my own financially. PT explains better than I am... but I can tell you from experience.... it worked!

And then the bonus.... was in future relationships I never got that deep again into their business! I made sure that my income was going to be enough for just me... never again did I want to rely on someone else! Don't get me wrong... with the 2 incomes... it's great... I mean there is so much more that can be done financially ..... it's like a bonus! But when it comes to a roof over our head and food in our bellies.... I can make it happen. Just don't get all the frills and extras.... but at least I know I'm safe. But I bet you can do it...... I actually have no doubt you will be able to do it... just from what I have read on here. So...... I am going to challenge you with something.....
Respect is important in a relationship..... right?

Are you going to respect him more if he gets up and TCOB on his own? (and makes mistakes here and there) or If you are being in charge?

Get what I'm saying? And the bonus is....... you are letting go and letting God..... make a silly deal with yourself....... Okay God...... IF AH helps himself ... keeps things in line and is successful in getting real with himself and being able to look after himself....... then what?

IF not....... then what?

Callie...... before you call.... before you try to fix...... come here..... and vent ... say what you would like for him to do! etc etc etc. And follow every post with something you enjoy about yourself or that you enjoy to do!

So..... that is my challenge to you!

During my guy and I's no contact phase... he came up with something really cool.... for every bad thought that came in mind...... to think a good one! Power of thinking........it is so powerful!!!!!

So.... lets start NOW!

I'll start with.... I enjoy coming to this SR board and what I like about myself is that I am a good mom!

((((HUGS))))

lightseeker

great insights and advice before me. One thing that has helped me is to make a "no input" rule for myself unless my input is specifically asked for. It's a wonder that I don't have a hole in my tongue. I've made a vow to myself that my side of the street has to be completely clean and my recovery has to meet the standards that I've wanted to set for RAH.....before I even think about getting into his stuff.

Everything that you speak of is classic for what we do on our side of the street. The real work is about focusing on ourselves and doing what is best for us - and that doesn't involve another person acting the "right" way or doing the right thing (or helping them to realize how misguided they are). The serenity prayer is such a good and simple prayer - the only thing that I can change is me. Nothing else is in my domain - nothing. The wisdom to know the difference? That means I have to continually ask myself which side of the prayer anything falls on. In the past, I used to feel that the only thing wrong with me was him. If he would act right (ie the way that I wanted him to and the way that really WOULD be best for him) then I wouldn't have any problems. Ooops. Although it made sense at the time I realize that it doesn't now. It's a battle that cannot be won. EVER. The only chance that I have is to take all of that time and energy that I have focused on others and put it towards me and what I need to do and want to do.

Face to face meetings, having a sponsor, and working the steps have helped me a lot. SR has helped me a ton. I love the expression "nothing changes if nothing changes". I realize that if I truly want change then it has to begin with me.

Coming here and venting first has really helped me a ton and is great advice from Abundance. Someone is always checking in and we are all in this together. Trust on me this.....if you are thinking it or doing it there is someone else here that has done the same....and I don't just mean one or two people.

Recognition is the biggest part of the journey and you're right there. The more you catch yourself the more you can do something about it. I've enjoyed getting to know you and see myself in so much of what you have written. You're doing great and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and cheering for you!

Chino

Everyone is giving you great advice about how to do this and it sounds like you know why you do this in a psychological sense. I'm coming from another angle and giving you some insight into what you're doing in a neurological sense, to kind of complete the picture. I got to pick a neurologist's brain during my daughter's active phase and it explained a lot, about her and me. If you already know this stuff maybe someone else will benefit from it.

Our brains waves develop patterns during our formative years. When children are young they are learning acceptable and unacceptable behaviors through reinforcement. Each external force reinforces one or the other. The frontal lobe reaches maturity in the early 20's, so whatever reactions, behaviors, emotional responses etc have had the greatest influence, kind of set the tone from then on.

Now is probably a good time to point out that codependency usually develops in childhood.

Substance abuse alters brain waves and literally rewires it. The abusers have such a hard time because the chemicals feeding and reinforcing the brain waves are in a continuous loop. That's why it takes something tremendous or a series of events to disrupt the pattern.

It's through abstinence they stop the cycle and repetition that they rewire their brain patterns. It's a two step process and a hard road because the brain is at war with itself.

We are no different. Our brain waves are in a loop. We have set behaviors that have been reinforced through repetition. It takes something tremendous or a series of events to disrupt negative patterns, and it takes abstinence and repetition to rewire our brains, too.

There were times I closed my eyes, pictured my cycling brain waves when I fought the urge to call my daughter. Sometimes I said STOP out loud and visualized it happening. The more I did it, I was stopping the cycle and through repetition reinforced a new pattern.

As long as we honestly keep trying it will eventually happen.

Callie

Wow - thanks guys! Chino - thanks for the neurological information. I think I will try the STOP outloud too. Even though AH doesn't have a definitive answer yet about work, people closest to me know, are very supportive. AH is settling in @ his moms and is not trying to be out here all of the time. He is trying to give me my space. It's like I'm sitting here thinking "ok, now what - I wanted the time I have it." He's out of my face daily, but yet I still try to hover from a distance. I look around at the flowerbeds that need tending too, the house, laundry, bills, appts, kids etc. I just feel overwhelmed. I've decided that I need a game plan, I need to make lists and just do what I can when I can. I've also decided to get the book CD no more and re-read it. I need to really focus on me. AH does seem to be on the road to recovery. I need to focus on mine. So I'm going to take baby steps with getting things done that need done, reading the book and I made an appt with my IC for this week. I will limit calls to AH and do everything that I can to take the focus off of him and put it on myself and my kids.

BTW - some of you asked about my employment. I do several things - I am self employed and make very good money. Obviously 2 incomes is better than one, but if I downsize bills as much as possible and cut out the extra's I will be fine. Our insurance is through AH's work, so it would make it so much easier to keep that and CS would be decent as well. You know I've figured things out on paper and it may work out to my advantage to just take cs and not have to deal with AH's excessive spending. I may be better off financially.

I am doing better today - I have an awesome, awesome family. My sis took the kids for the weekend to swim, see fireworks, cook out and what not. It's good for them to get away and have some fun and play with their cousins. I feel like I have GREAT support here on SR. I truely do not know what I would have done without you guys during the last few months. It will be a struggle every day for a while, but I'll find my way. Thanks guys!

Callie

That is the weird thing Chino - there is literally no drug abuse or alcohol in my family. Divorce is VERY rare in my immediate and extended family. I had a GREAT childhood with two great parents who are still married. Everything that I'd read in Melodie Beatty's book made sense except for the fact that most codie's come from some kind of abuse.

I am 100% sure that I just kept seeing the good in AH - he CAN be a great man, with a great heart. I just kept believing in him. I am very trusting of people in general but AH is SUCH a good liar that it's like putting a goldfish in a shark tank and expecting her to have a chance at survival.

AH has done all of this stuff, but I was never one to sit and whine and cry about it and say why me. Somewhere along the line I learned to put the walls up and prevent the "poor me" thing. I would get mad, I would yell, scream, threaten. It was like by doing those things I felt like I was standing up for myself and not tolerating it. But in reality I was because I stayed.

You could say that I am the dominant one of the household. My mom was the same way. Very strong willed, very hard working, will go above and beyond doing things. But for me, I didn't necessarily WANT to be dominant, I had to be to keep things together.

I also worry about my kids - that's the main thing I want to talk to the IC about is how to handle things with them. I want to do the very best that I can for them given the situation that they're in. They didn't choose to be put in this situation - I didn't either - but I will do WHATEVER I can to ease them into this transition of living apart either temporarily or permanently.

Impurrfect

(((Callie)))

I was also raised by parents who were not codie, in any way I could see...no addiction (except cigarettes). However, my first true love was an alcoholic and I stayed enmeshed with him for 20 years. I think I was always just one of those kids who hated conflict, tried to keep everyone happy, and it grew into codie. I remember my mom pointing out that it wasn't my job to keep everyone happy, but I still felt like it was.

You are sounding so much better and I can see you focusing more on you and the kids and less on him. Keep it up, sweetie!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

thanks Amy - when it rains it pours I guess. My grandpa was taken by BKP to the emergency room today. He's never been to the hospital a day in his life and he's 80! Very old school and very tough - he actually still works 40 hours a week. Not because he has to, but because he wants too and he can't sit still! It's severe kidney stones - they've got him on some heavy duty pain meds and are hoping that he can pass them on his own through the night. I have never seen him in that state and I felt so bad for him. My family and I have been there all day. Luckily AH was here doing things with his car (tools are still here) when the kids and I got home from the store so I just dropped groceries and ran. He put most of the groceries away and took the kids.

I hope and pray that tomorrow goes well. I hope that my grandpa feels better and I hope that AH finds out that he still has a job. If you recall we're waiting on the hair analysis (which he'll probably fail, but can back it up possibly by outdated rx's from his pharmicist and dr.) Any prayers anybody out there could spare would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much guys.

lightseeker

prayers are going up right now. I'm sorry to hear about your Grandpa - hopefully this will get better for him quickly. I'll be thinking about you.

Hugs

peaceteach

Prayers for Grandpa, Callie. Poor guy! I've heard (from men, of course) that passing a kidney stone is as close as a man can get to having a baby. It really is so painful. I'm glad your grandpa is in the hospital

BayAreaPhoenix

Prayers for your grandpa! He sounds like a wonderful and "tough old bird"! Sending him good wishes!

beegee

Callie, I wish your Grampa to be well. I have seem men suffering with stones and it is no picnic. He will feel like a new person when this is over. Prayers and hugs to you and him...

Impurrfect

(((Callie))))

Prayers going up! When I was a nurse, I could always tell who had a kidney stone because they were in so much pain and couldn't stay still. I've had women tell me they would RATHER go through childbirth again than have another kidney stone.

Keep us posted on grandpa and your husband's job. Just remember....whatever happens, it's all part of a bigger plan, even if we don't see it right now.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

Just an update...

Well, AH got his hair test back. Dr. said it shows either percocet or oxy use. He's now trying to substantiate this with rx's he's had. The last one he had for oxy was 3 years ago when his family dr. was trying to do a dr's asst. rehab with. If you recall he did get off the oxy, but then went to methadone. I'm assuming they're finding the oxycodone in his hair because they appear to not be able to distinguish WHICH drug it is (in reality it's both). So he may have trouble proving this one. He did have an rx for vicodin last year (after a root canal). From what I"m reading that does containe oxycodone too?? He's going to about every pharmacy he's ever went to to pull old records to help him keep his job. Am I right that they could just be seeing the oxycodone and they really can't distinguish WHAT drug it is??

On another note, AH is still waiting for an inpatient rehab to call him back. Meanwhile he's going back to a NA meeting tomorrow (supposedly). He's now trying to do a 12 step through them and even talks about getting a sponser. I am not quite sure whether he's doing this because he REALLY wants to get clean for good - or if it is because what he knows it's what he SHOULD do. My family (and his somewhat) are all kind of standing back waiting to see what he's going to do or how he's going to handle this situation. They will never support him if he chooses to not get help - so in reality he HAS to make a move - whether it's real and from the heart or not I don't know. But his hands are tied as to what his next step is. He HAS to do this - but I'm not sure whether it's for real or for "appearance." He has been more honest with me, but I still can sense his secrecy about things - which I HATE and make me continue to keep my guard HIGH. He's still @ his moms - we do talk alot during the day, but mainly because of the kids or his job. I'm hoping that when he figures out something about his job that I can detach a bit more. Up until now the focus has been solely on him. I'm only running on fumes doing what I KNOW has to be done. I've not had time to even deal with myself or my own issues because I'm still scrambling from this mess.

I'm also still confused about Suboxone. He had a urine test at his last IOP and passed - so if he's passed, WHY would he want or need Suboxone? I just don't understand that - sorry to be dense, but can someone enlighten me??

I'm doing ok - some days better than the other. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I'm pretty prepared for whatever comes. I'm doing everything in my power to keep my head above water and maintain this household. THe kids and I have a busy weekend planned for the 4th. It will be the first he's not went with us. I look like I was ran over by a truck, but I'm still doing what I need to do to keep things normal for the kids. I feel like I could sleep for days!

marle

He might have heard that suboxone helps with cravings. My daughter got on suboxone when she went to rehab and she has had no withdrawals and no cravings and she had used heroin or oxy or vicodins daily for the last 2+ years. You sound like you are beginning to accept the situation. I know how hard it is to give up the dreams. I will keep you in my prayers. Try to do something for yourself. Your kids need a healthy mom and I know how easy it is to put ourselves last on the list. Hugs, Marle

lightseeker

hey Callie - glad for the check in. I agree with Marle's advice. Taking care of yourself is so important...for you and your children.

You husband's situation sure does sound like a tangled web of issues. Sometimes, even when people get into recovery for other people it actually turns into a situation where they are there for themselves. You must have a sixth sense feeling that he's not done yet because I can hear the doubt in your posts. You've had a difficult road with him and it sounds like you are the one that has carried the brunt of the work. No matter what happens, it can't be as hard as this has been. The worry and the waiting have been grueling. Even if he loses his job there are part-time positions that you can get that have health insurance. Maybe that would be an option. It sounds like you work as some kind of consultant - are there any professional organizations that you could get insurance through?

Take care of yourself. I don't know the answers to your questions about the hair test. It sounds like even if he squeaks out of this one that he has been identified as someone that they will keep a close eye on. Do they know about his rehab plans?

Hugs

Impurrfect

((Callie))

I don't know about the hair test, either. I know they CAN find out exactly which drug it is and a basic time period of when he used, but it costs a lot more and they may not want to pay for it.

I'm with LS..even if the does keep his job, they will be looking very closely at him. Since some of them wanted to fire him, and the kangaroo court went against their wants, they may start looking for a reason to fire him. I know it sucks, but it happens all the time...doesn't have to be about drugs. Someone wants you gone? They find a way.

Keep reminding yourself that you will be okay, no matter what. You have grown SO much since you first started posting about this!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy