question for a recovering alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
question for a recovering alcoholic
my husband and i are friends with a couple - the man is a recovering alcoholic. we have all been very close for a good amount of time. our friend is a fun loving guy, who has been sober for a good while, so is (apparently) comfortable in social settings where there is alcohol. i say apparently because we have been in many situations where alcohol was present and they keep it in the house for his wife and friends to have on occassion. his wife drinks socially and so do most of his friends.
over a month ago, there was an incident between my husband and this man, (we will call him bill for the sake of privacy) at a party. essentially they had a disagreement, and because my husband had been drinking during the party, bill feels that was the reason for the disagreement. it was obvious to everyone involved that alcohol played no role in the initial disagreement (it was more a misunderstanding), but bill chooses to see otherwise. bill angrily confronted me during the disagreement (to which i had no part), and i became upset, as i don't handle things like that well (started to cry). this upset my husband and he came to my defense by firing back at bill with a rude comment (which was a terrible way to handle it, he knows that).
to most of the folks that witnessed this drama, they both made mistakes that night. :prayingmy husband has chosen to take full responsiblity and aplogized mulitple times, attempting to see bill in person, to no avail, so this has all been by phone, email, text, with no response. last week he got an email from bill - and bill has said can forgive my husband, but he has chosen to sever all ties to our friendship as a couple. bill feels that he is not as respected as he should be in the friendship (his words).
i don't know much about alcoholism or alcoholics anonymous, which is the program bill went through, but i thought i would reach out to your community for advice, as my husband (and me, as well as bill's wife) are all upset that he has chosen to do this. this was the first time any of us had ever had a disagreement of any kind. i guess i would just feel better to hear from someone in his shoes as to why this has happened. to the average non-alcoholic, it seems like forgiveness would mean you forget about the incident and move on, but he doesn't seem to feel the same way the rest of us do. any thoughts or suggestions? i can assure you that we do love, respect and and treasure his friendship. maybe this has more to do with his personality, not the alcholism recovery? not sure but i figure that someone here can recognize that and that could help us to better understand and/or ammend the situation. it was a bad night, but i've never lost a friend and hate to lose this one. thanks for your help.
over a month ago, there was an incident between my husband and this man, (we will call him bill for the sake of privacy) at a party. essentially they had a disagreement, and because my husband had been drinking during the party, bill feels that was the reason for the disagreement. it was obvious to everyone involved that alcohol played no role in the initial disagreement (it was more a misunderstanding), but bill chooses to see otherwise. bill angrily confronted me during the disagreement (to which i had no part), and i became upset, as i don't handle things like that well (started to cry). this upset my husband and he came to my defense by firing back at bill with a rude comment (which was a terrible way to handle it, he knows that).
to most of the folks that witnessed this drama, they both made mistakes that night. :prayingmy husband has chosen to take full responsiblity and aplogized mulitple times, attempting to see bill in person, to no avail, so this has all been by phone, email, text, with no response. last week he got an email from bill - and bill has said can forgive my husband, but he has chosen to sever all ties to our friendship as a couple. bill feels that he is not as respected as he should be in the friendship (his words).
i don't know much about alcoholism or alcoholics anonymous, which is the program bill went through, but i thought i would reach out to your community for advice, as my husband (and me, as well as bill's wife) are all upset that he has chosen to do this. this was the first time any of us had ever had a disagreement of any kind. i guess i would just feel better to hear from someone in his shoes as to why this has happened. to the average non-alcoholic, it seems like forgiveness would mean you forget about the incident and move on, but he doesn't seem to feel the same way the rest of us do. any thoughts or suggestions? i can assure you that we do love, respect and and treasure his friendship. maybe this has more to do with his personality, not the alcholism recovery? not sure but i figure that someone here can recognize that and that could help us to better understand and/or ammend the situation. it was a bad night, but i've never lost a friend and hate to lose this one. thanks for your help.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well, let's see. First I have to put on my AA hat instead of my Alanon hat, lol.
As a recovering alkie with over 27 years......................................and not knowing the man personally, only from your report..............................it sounds like he is still growing and changing. He will probably have to do a 4th step on the incident to 'see' his part in the disagreement and that may take time.
For now, step back, stay away, talk with the wife, and he may come around in time and he may not. Alkies (myself included) seem to be extremely 'sensitive' and yes we can 'take things wrong.' It takes LOTS OF WORK, usually with a sponsor, to stop seeing things in "Black and White" and start seeing the "Grey Areas." He may not be at that point yet.
Let the wife know you are there for her if she wants to vent or just chat, and get on with the business of living life. Either he will come around eventually or he won't, and that you have no control over.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
As a recovering alkie with over 27 years......................................and not knowing the man personally, only from your report..............................it sounds like he is still growing and changing. He will probably have to do a 4th step on the incident to 'see' his part in the disagreement and that may take time.
For now, step back, stay away, talk with the wife, and he may come around in time and he may not. Alkies (myself included) seem to be extremely 'sensitive' and yes we can 'take things wrong.' It takes LOTS OF WORK, usually with a sponsor, to stop seeing things in "Black and White" and start seeing the "Grey Areas." He may not be at that point yet.
Let the wife know you are there for her if she wants to vent or just chat, and get on with the business of living life. Either he will come around eventually or he won't, and that you have no control over.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
sounds like bill's being a douche bag and not working a recovery program. i don't think anyone i know that actually works a program would've let that happen. maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
thanks for the help, friends. it just helps to have an outsider's input as i know being in the situation sometimes makes you see things differently. i will take the advice. you are right, we have done all we possibly can, so we will just let time try and heal the wounds.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Misunderstandings happen to alcoholics, non-alcholics, and recovering alcoholics...in other words......it may have nothing to do with his recovery or lack thereof. It can happen with anyone.
You (and your husband) have extended the olive branch. It is now up to him to accept it or not. And as was mentioned above, you don't have control of it either way. It is very difficult to accept something that you don't understand but acceptance (with or without understanding) is sometimes the more peaceful and serene way to go.
gentle hugs
You (and your husband) have extended the olive branch. It is now up to him to accept it or not. And as was mentioned above, you don't have control of it either way. It is very difficult to accept something that you don't understand but acceptance (with or without understanding) is sometimes the more peaceful and serene way to go.
gentle hugs
Last edited by Kindeyes; 06-23-2008 at 12:58 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 353
Hmm, seems to me (From what you typed) he might have wanted a confrontation. I remember sitting at a party once, sober and my friends were getting to the point where a few of the were slurring their words. At one point I actually thought i was better than them because I was sober, I was going to drive home safe, I was not arguing with my wife etc..
I am not very confrontational by nature (Libra).. However, I did feel jealous at first because i couldn't drink. Maybe there are feelings like this happening to your friend..
Heavy
I am not very confrontational by nature (Libra).. However, I did feel jealous at first because i couldn't drink. Maybe there are feelings like this happening to your friend..
Heavy
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