On a collision course
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 3
On a collision course
I am the husband of an AW. It does not come as a big surprise that our relationship has been degrading for the last few years. Arguments more frequent, much louder and longer in duration. We have been married going on 11 years and I can honestly say that until two years ago, they have been the happiest of my life.
I don't really want to get into the whole history thing right now, but I need some advise on what has been happening in the short term.
Within the past couple of weeks she has finally admitted that she is an A and needs help. She has looked up the local AA meetings and has been to a couple in the last week. The problem is that at about the same time she has stepped up her drinking. I am having a really difficult time with this. It seems like she is going to the meetings simply to appease me and does not buy into it.
Last night, after coming home from work drunk....again....(not a single sober day since starting to go to the meetings over a week ago) we had a doozy of an argument. I told her I was done....finished.....If she wanted to get sober, she would be all on her own, and I didn't give a damn either way.
She literally flipped out, screaming and grabbing suitcases, duffles, whatever and filled them with all of her clothes, threw them in her truck and said she was gone. She moved the truck to the end of the driveway and just sat there. After about a half hour I caved and walked out to see how she was doing. Crying, she told me that she didn't know where to go. She didn't have any friends in the area she could stay with and generally didn't know what she was going to do. I told her to come back inside and stay the night (separate bedroom) we would figure it out in the morning.
This morning, she was apologetic (as I am coming to find out most sober drunks are) and said she was going to make an effort. There was a meeting tonight that she would hit on the way home from work.
Jump ahead to 9:30 tonight and she literally staggered through the door. At this point I was completely disgusted. I couldn't believe that she would stop on the way home from the meeting to get drunk. Nothing was said by either of us until she literally fell all the way down the stairs. Laying at the bottom of the stairs crying, she confessed that she did not even go to the meeting, instead went to the bar and drank (for the 1 hour meeting time plus and extra hour and a half).
She is upstairs sleeping it off.......once again and I am essentially alone with my thoughts.
So that is the story.
I guess I have two questions for the group:
1) It is just a matter of time before she gets picked up for a DUI, or worse yet kills someone. I realize that I can't force her not to drive, but what the heck am I supposed to do? She is doing this in her company vehicle. If she has an accident, she will loose her license and most assuredly loose her job....which ultimately means that we will loose our house (we require hers and my income). She is putting peoples lives at risk as well as playing Russian roulette with our financial well being.
2) Where does the relationship go from here? I feel about ready to call it quits, I can't live my life like this, but I still love her.
Any advise would be appreciated.
I don't really want to get into the whole history thing right now, but I need some advise on what has been happening in the short term.
Within the past couple of weeks she has finally admitted that she is an A and needs help. She has looked up the local AA meetings and has been to a couple in the last week. The problem is that at about the same time she has stepped up her drinking. I am having a really difficult time with this. It seems like she is going to the meetings simply to appease me and does not buy into it.
Last night, after coming home from work drunk....again....(not a single sober day since starting to go to the meetings over a week ago) we had a doozy of an argument. I told her I was done....finished.....If she wanted to get sober, she would be all on her own, and I didn't give a damn either way.
She literally flipped out, screaming and grabbing suitcases, duffles, whatever and filled them with all of her clothes, threw them in her truck and said she was gone. She moved the truck to the end of the driveway and just sat there. After about a half hour I caved and walked out to see how she was doing. Crying, she told me that she didn't know where to go. She didn't have any friends in the area she could stay with and generally didn't know what she was going to do. I told her to come back inside and stay the night (separate bedroom) we would figure it out in the morning.
This morning, she was apologetic (as I am coming to find out most sober drunks are) and said she was going to make an effort. There was a meeting tonight that she would hit on the way home from work.
Jump ahead to 9:30 tonight and she literally staggered through the door. At this point I was completely disgusted. I couldn't believe that she would stop on the way home from the meeting to get drunk. Nothing was said by either of us until she literally fell all the way down the stairs. Laying at the bottom of the stairs crying, she confessed that she did not even go to the meeting, instead went to the bar and drank (for the 1 hour meeting time plus and extra hour and a half).
She is upstairs sleeping it off.......once again and I am essentially alone with my thoughts.
So that is the story.
I guess I have two questions for the group:
1) It is just a matter of time before she gets picked up for a DUI, or worse yet kills someone. I realize that I can't force her not to drive, but what the heck am I supposed to do? She is doing this in her company vehicle. If she has an accident, she will loose her license and most assuredly loose her job....which ultimately means that we will loose our house (we require hers and my income). She is putting peoples lives at risk as well as playing Russian roulette with our financial well being.
2) Where does the relationship go from here? I feel about ready to call it quits, I can't live my life like this, but I still love her.
Any advise would be appreciated.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
For years, I told my boyfriend that I was ready to call it quits, but I didn't take action. In the final year, I repeatedly asked him to leave and then immediately turned around and invited him back into my life, sometimes only minutes or hours later.
Just like my alcoholic boyfriend, I was all talk and no action and nothing changed. He kept right on drinking and I kept right on living a nightmare existence.
Just like you no longer believe your wife when she claims she'll quit drinking or get help, she no longer believes you when you threaten to end the relationship or kick her out.
Words mean nothing. Threats got me no where. Complaining never solved my problem. Action did.
Just like my alcoholic boyfriend, I was all talk and no action and nothing changed. He kept right on drinking and I kept right on living a nightmare existence.
Just like you no longer believe your wife when she claims she'll quit drinking or get help, she no longer believes you when you threaten to end the relationship or kick her out.
Words mean nothing. Threats got me no where. Complaining never solved my problem. Action did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and welcome to SR!
Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum. They will give you a better understanding of the disease. Also, I've read a lot of books. Under the influence and Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. Also, Al-anon helps!
Unfortunately, you can't stop her from doing any of this. If she wants to drink she will. If she also desides to drive, she will. I know this is not what you want to hear, but if we could make them stop there would be no need for this board.
Keep posting! You're not alone!
Start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum. They will give you a better understanding of the disease. Also, I've read a lot of books. Under the influence and Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. Also, Al-anon helps!
Unfortunately, you can't stop her from doing any of this. If she wants to drink she will. If she also desides to drive, she will. I know this is not what you want to hear, but if we could make them stop there would be no need for this board.
Keep posting! You're not alone!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
My heart goes out to you. I've been there.
It hurts like hell to watch someone self-destruct.
It just doesn't sound as though she's finished drinking yet.
She wants to stop, but she doesn't want it more than she wants to continue.
She's looking for recovery tools, she just doesn't want to use them yet.
This is standard alcoholic operating procedure.
The question is: What do you do while she tries to decide if she's ready to quit?
Give up your peace and serenity in the hopes that she might, someday, find her own?
Perhaps she will find true recovery very soon - it happens everyday
Perhaps she will get a DUI and lose her job - it happens everyday, too.
You cannot make the first option happen, or wish the second option away.
There is simply no way of knowing what the future holds.
Just a side note:
What I wish someone would have said to me when I was going through this:
"Quit thinking that the alcoholic's drinking has anything to do with you."
Don't take the alcohol personally. Her problem isn't about you.
Just know that she's sick, and it's contagious.
You can stay, but it would be wise to put on a gas mask. (Check out AlAnon)
I'm glad you're here!
-TC
It hurts like hell to watch someone self-destruct.
It just doesn't sound as though she's finished drinking yet.
She wants to stop, but she doesn't want it more than she wants to continue.
She's looking for recovery tools, she just doesn't want to use them yet.
This is standard alcoholic operating procedure.
The question is: What do you do while she tries to decide if she's ready to quit?
Give up your peace and serenity in the hopes that she might, someday, find her own?
Perhaps she will find true recovery very soon - it happens everyday
Perhaps she will get a DUI and lose her job - it happens everyday, too.
You cannot make the first option happen, or wish the second option away.
There is simply no way of knowing what the future holds.
Just a side note:
What I wish someone would have said to me when I was going through this:
"Quit thinking that the alcoholic's drinking has anything to do with you."
Don't take the alcohol personally. Her problem isn't about you.
Just know that she's sick, and it's contagious.
You can stay, but it would be wise to put on a gas mask. (Check out AlAnon)
I'm glad you're here!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I've been at the end of my rope like you....although the A in my life is my son.
I didn't understand how I contributed to the progression of the disease. I would yell, beg, cajole, cry, search his car, ask questions that I already knew the answer to, rescue him from every problem he encountered (most of which were brought on by drinking or drugging).
Once I was finally prepared to stop MY pain by walking away from him. Letting go of my only son. Accepting that it would be better to have him out of my life so I didn't have to continue to watch him self destruct and take me with him. That's when things started to get better.
We chose the road of intervention. My bottom line was simple. Either he chose to go to treatment or be prepared to be turned away. No contact. Luckily he chose to go. That was a year and a half ago. He has relapsed a couple of times. Gone back into intensive outpatient treatment. But he's working his program. I'm working my program. And our relationship is good.
The reason that we talk about our own experiences here on SR is that we really can't tell you what to do. Only you can decide that. But we can share our experiences and you can decide which avenue you want to take. Intervention isn't for everybody. It doesn't always work. Sometimes simply finding a good treatment center and talking about it will get an alcoholic to begin recovery.
Unfortunately an alcoholic isn't going to begin recovery until they want it bad enough. Sometimes it is the bad stuff that gets them there......financial problems, dui, accident, losing the people they love. Unfortunately, they will drag the people who love them down that dirty, dangerous path with them if we let them.
Keep coming here. SR is a great place to gain insight, vent, find strength and hopefully grow.
gentle hugs
I didn't understand how I contributed to the progression of the disease. I would yell, beg, cajole, cry, search his car, ask questions that I already knew the answer to, rescue him from every problem he encountered (most of which were brought on by drinking or drugging).
Once I was finally prepared to stop MY pain by walking away from him. Letting go of my only son. Accepting that it would be better to have him out of my life so I didn't have to continue to watch him self destruct and take me with him. That's when things started to get better.
We chose the road of intervention. My bottom line was simple. Either he chose to go to treatment or be prepared to be turned away. No contact. Luckily he chose to go. That was a year and a half ago. He has relapsed a couple of times. Gone back into intensive outpatient treatment. But he's working his program. I'm working my program. And our relationship is good.
The reason that we talk about our own experiences here on SR is that we really can't tell you what to do. Only you can decide that. But we can share our experiences and you can decide which avenue you want to take. Intervention isn't for everybody. It doesn't always work. Sometimes simply finding a good treatment center and talking about it will get an alcoholic to begin recovery.
Unfortunately an alcoholic isn't going to begin recovery until they want it bad enough. Sometimes it is the bad stuff that gets them there......financial problems, dui, accident, losing the people they love. Unfortunately, they will drag the people who love them down that dirty, dangerous path with them if we let them.
Keep coming here. SR is a great place to gain insight, vent, find strength and hopefully grow.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey straightarrow--
welcome
I say ditto to NYC's book recomends - esp Under the Influence...it'll give you a good physical picture of where she's at. She probably will need to detox, like with the supervision of her doctor. Sometimes that is a good place to start, with an honest visit to the doctor....but she'll have to want to go through it...she may still have some drinking left to do. FormerDmat is right on- its all about actions/behavior not words. All the storming out, falling down stairs, lying in a heap and crying, is heartbreaking but typical A behavior - it seems to be buying her one more night at a time of staying with you and still drinking.
And so, what are you going to do?
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. You can take precautions to lessen the damage her behavior could do to you like securing your own finances, etc. I have called the cops on my brother when I saw him plastered getting into his car. They did not catch him. But the next day when he was sober (well, more sober) I told him "I called the cops and gave them your license and if I ever see you drunk and unwilling to take a taxi or give up your keys and you go to drive your car I will call them again." He wasn't even mad - he just doesn't come around me much anymore. He got busted for DUI (2nd one) anyway, without my help. He is still an active alcoholic.
ToughChoices is right on about the gas mask! Yes, you can outfit yourself with some pretty fine tools to maintain your sanity, and even to find peace of mind and joy again. But, since she has been progressing for years you have probably picked up some bad habits like we all do from living with A's. AlAnon helps many - so does individual therapy...and keep reading and posting here! This is a great place where you will know you are not alone in this struggle....
Peace,
B.
welcome
I say ditto to NYC's book recomends - esp Under the Influence...it'll give you a good physical picture of where she's at. She probably will need to detox, like with the supervision of her doctor. Sometimes that is a good place to start, with an honest visit to the doctor....but she'll have to want to go through it...she may still have some drinking left to do. FormerDmat is right on- its all about actions/behavior not words. All the storming out, falling down stairs, lying in a heap and crying, is heartbreaking but typical A behavior - it seems to be buying her one more night at a time of staying with you and still drinking.
And so, what are you going to do?
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. You can take precautions to lessen the damage her behavior could do to you like securing your own finances, etc. I have called the cops on my brother when I saw him plastered getting into his car. They did not catch him. But the next day when he was sober (well, more sober) I told him "I called the cops and gave them your license and if I ever see you drunk and unwilling to take a taxi or give up your keys and you go to drive your car I will call them again." He wasn't even mad - he just doesn't come around me much anymore. He got busted for DUI (2nd one) anyway, without my help. He is still an active alcoholic.
ToughChoices is right on about the gas mask! Yes, you can outfit yourself with some pretty fine tools to maintain your sanity, and even to find peace of mind and joy again. But, since she has been progressing for years you have probably picked up some bad habits like we all do from living with A's. AlAnon helps many - so does individual therapy...and keep reading and posting here! This is a great place where you will know you are not alone in this struggle....
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 3
Thanks for all of your replies. I am planning on checking out an Al-Anon meeting tonight. I will go ahead and see if I can find a copy of Under the Influence and Getting Them Sober at my local bookstore today.
She had done the detox thing about 2 months ago. She went into the place and they discharged her two days later saying that she was not exhibiting any physical symptoms of detox (IMHO the worst thing they could have done). That seemed to ratify her thoughts that she was not an alcoholic and shouldn't be there. From there it was intensive outpatient counciling every night. That had to be the worst I have seen so far. Given that she now thought she was not an alcoholic ("....see the doctors told me so....") the nightly meetings only served to stoke the fires of her anger. She was sober but continually vented, yelled, and generally directed all of this anger directly toward me. It was literally the worst 2 1/2 weeks of my life. After the inital 2 1/2 weeks she managed to get herself thrown out of the program for missing too many meetings. She says that it was not her fault due to business travel, and that may be right to some extent, but I am quickly coming to realize that may have been her plan all along.
...
Yet another ride on the vicious merry-go-round this morning. She comes into the bedroom and wants to snuggle with me, saying she is sorry (I have heard that too many times already) and that I need to read up more on alcoholism because it is a "disease" and she has no control over it. It is this excuse or that one for not going to the meeting or for having another drink. I am the "bad guy" for saying that I don't feel that she is ready to stop drinking.
I don't want to do anything rash and I do want to give her a chance for the program (AA) to work, but I don't think that by still having me in the picture she has gotten to the point that the losses outweight the desire. I am afraid that our relationship may be the only chip I have with respect to getting her to quit. No more games, no more false threats on my part. I just can't get over the feeling that it is me who is giving up on our relationship. That it is me who would be the reason for the ending of what was a wonderful marriage. My head tells me that isn't the case, but my heart is still aching over the thought of this decision.
I have heard of and read on this board of marriages that have endured over decades of alcoholism and come out the other side, and here I am at the two year mark thinking about calling it quits. I feel like it is me who is giving up.
This sucks!
She had done the detox thing about 2 months ago. She went into the place and they discharged her two days later saying that she was not exhibiting any physical symptoms of detox (IMHO the worst thing they could have done). That seemed to ratify her thoughts that she was not an alcoholic and shouldn't be there. From there it was intensive outpatient counciling every night. That had to be the worst I have seen so far. Given that she now thought she was not an alcoholic ("....see the doctors told me so....") the nightly meetings only served to stoke the fires of her anger. She was sober but continually vented, yelled, and generally directed all of this anger directly toward me. It was literally the worst 2 1/2 weeks of my life. After the inital 2 1/2 weeks she managed to get herself thrown out of the program for missing too many meetings. She says that it was not her fault due to business travel, and that may be right to some extent, but I am quickly coming to realize that may have been her plan all along.
...
Yet another ride on the vicious merry-go-round this morning. She comes into the bedroom and wants to snuggle with me, saying she is sorry (I have heard that too many times already) and that I need to read up more on alcoholism because it is a "disease" and she has no control over it. It is this excuse or that one for not going to the meeting or for having another drink. I am the "bad guy" for saying that I don't feel that she is ready to stop drinking.
I don't want to do anything rash and I do want to give her a chance for the program (AA) to work, but I don't think that by still having me in the picture she has gotten to the point that the losses outweight the desire. I am afraid that our relationship may be the only chip I have with respect to getting her to quit. No more games, no more false threats on my part. I just can't get over the feeling that it is me who is giving up on our relationship. That it is me who would be the reason for the ending of what was a wonderful marriage. My head tells me that isn't the case, but my heart is still aching over the thought of this decision.
I have heard of and read on this board of marriages that have endured over decades of alcoholism and come out the other side, and here I am at the two year mark thinking about calling it quits. I feel like it is me who is giving up.
This sucks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by straightarrow 
I am afraid that our relationship may be the only chip I have with respect to getting her to quit.
You can chose to set boundaries for yourself as to what you are willing to tolerate in your life. But we don't set those boundaries thinking what we do for ourselves is going to make the A in our life "do" anything.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by straightarrow
...I have heard of and read on this board of marriages that have endured over decades of alcoholism and come out the other side, and here I am at the two year mark thinking about calling it quits. I feel like it is me who is giving up.
This sucks!
This sucks!
You are not giving up on your marriage. You are trying to find to a way to protect your sanity. You could also switch tables and say, she isn't exactly working hard to keep your marriage either!
My ex also went to AA meetings, but still drank. As time went on he came home telling me he wasn't as bad as others there and then that he didn't think it was for him. After he admitted to me he was an A, I stayed another year with him and tried to work on myself. I detached and took therapy and educated myself on how the disease had changed me and made me ill. I left him to try to find his own recovery.
After the year had gone by, he was still drinking, a little less but the mind games and verbal and emtional abuse were much worse. I decided to end it FOR MY OWN SAKE. I had to get out and find my sanity again. My world was a constant drama with him.
Al-anon and Melody Beattie books will help you learn about boundaries and what is considered to be verbal and emotional abuse. It was a real slap in the face to realise I was being abused.
As suggested read the stickies. There is a wonderful supply of information there.
Wishing you peace
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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