losthope31

Geez, I'm so sick of people thinking they know what I should do and how I'm supposed to feel. They don't know a damn thing. They have no clue what this all feels like. I want to wean myself away from my best friend AH and this person thinks I should just write him off completely. And, take into consideration of my 5 yr old that is saying throughout the day that she misses her daddy. Is there anything wrong with me saying to give him a call then? I dont' think so. This is a process and I am thankful that he is functional and can work through this process with us. So, leave me and my feelings alone. If I want to remain friends with my AH then that's MY CHOICE!!!

IForgot70

Hi Lost…

This was just my experience, so take it for what it’s worth.

I was with my crack addicted BF for about 4 years (no kids involved). I had become just as frustrated with him as my friends and family had become with me eventually. They looked at his actions they actually were, where I didn’t since I was emotionally attached to him. There were a couple of people who asked me to not even mention his name at a certain point.

I agree you need to work through this however it is you need to work through it, but realize those closest to you love and care about you and want the best for you and your child, too. They may be seeing things that you might not see right now and are just trying to help, even if it may feel like sucky help.

You could also say to them that your AH is an off limits topic and you’ll handle it. But you then have to not speak to anyone about him either. When you open the door to the topic, then you’ll have to expect someone to give you their 2 cents.

Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

BBD

Hi losthope~ I hear what your saying and if some people are expressing thier concern for you a little too much~~tell them. I had no clue about all this drug stuff until we were put smack dab in the middle with my son. I guess I'm lucky cause all my friends do is listen and don't offer too much advice. They all know I'm in counciling and have been involved with alanon so thats where my advice comes from. You have a child and unless your hubby is being abusive towards your 5 year old I don't know if I would want to cut all ties to the child. That child could maybe someday resent you for doing that. I'm sorry your so upset....hugs, Bonnie

Jody Hepler

I always love to hear these sentences in the Alanon closing:

"Take what you like and leave the rest. You may not like all of us, but you will come to love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you."

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

lightseeker

I hear you losthope31.....a lot of people can have opinions that aren't emotionally involved in the situation. That emotional involvement changes everything. I've found that when I take care of myself and am doing "okay" that my friends and family don't feel as territorial and protective of me. That is really helpful because there "opinons", although well meaning, can add even more pain to my situation. For times when I am low and not doing well I am learning to turn to my recovery friends. They understand but they also apply the "principles" to all of their affairs. I can vent but they have the ability to help to shift my perspective and basically do a 4th step. That really helps me a lot.

I'm learning to say "I know that you are concerned about me and only have my best interests at heart but I need to talk about something else". None of us can walk in the other's shoes. I've learned a whole lot about what to say and not to say and I bet that you have too. My hope is that I am learning how to support without giving an un-asked-for opinion. It's funny, everytime someone tells me what to do (ie get RAH out of my life) it leaves me feeling really alone and I want to run right back to him....because at least he understands that I love and care for him even though I've gone through so much with him. I realize that most people that have opinions would do something different than what I've done but they are not me. I'm doing the best that I can - which is what we all are doing.

Plus - you've got a child that misses her daddy. I bet you have a good head on your shoulders and it really becomes about trusting ourselves to make the best decisions for us and our children - only you know what that is.

I'm with you though - all those un-asked-for opinions only make it harder for me - not easier. Glad that you vented this. I know, I know - people only care about me and want me to be happy and safe. Still....it's hard because their hearts are not tied up in the situation.