sketscher

Well I'm having a bit of an emotional day today.

I've been hanging out with my now sober XABF. We've hung out, played Wii together, gone to dinner. NOTHING PHYSICAL. Things would be great but the problem still remains that I can't be allowed into his life fully because our relationship began as an affair while he was married. So it's understandable that his ex-wife will be very upset if she learns he's spending time with me. And spending time with his children would be out of the question. I'm discovering that it's impossible to only view him as a friend though. Those old feelings are looming. The waiting, wondering, the feeling of fear while with him that we'll be discovered, the guilt. And this is only as we simply talk over coffee. He swears once she moves on with her life, she'll not care what he does. So this means he expects my life to somewhat be dictated by her. Same old problem. And so same old feelings.

I've been asked out on a date by a friend of a neighbor, who btw may be recovering since his friend pointed out that he's been sober for 12 years. I accepted though I was reluctant since I didn't feel any real sparks as he was asking. And I felt this overwhelming dread later on. I'm fearful or many things. I'm fearful this guy will really like me, if that makes sense, and I fear having to reject him. I'm certain I'm in no state to date anyone seriously. I feel cruel even dragging him into my messed up world. And of course I still love my XABF and feel wrong even going on one date with someone else. but i also fear that hanging on to those fears could ruin chances of me ever having a family of my own. Something I think I deserve and would be really happy with.

I was close to calling this guy and canceling. But now I think I will put it off til I have my first therapy session and see if I can gain some clarity and realize it's only a date for cripe sakes, I'm not getting married! why all the worry!!?

I'd like you guys to give me your thoughts. would backing out now be more cruel than just at least having one dinner night bowling? I don't quite know why this is so stressful for me except that my xabf knows about this guy wanting my number and i suppose part of me must think accepting a date is like saying goodbye to my ex.

kermit

Go out, have fun... what's the worst that can happen? You make a friend?

sketscher

i decided and called him with this honest decision. "I am going through some personal stuff and it's just not the right time to begin dating anyone"

My therapy begins on Tuesday! THANK the LORD! I really need it now I can see. so this awakened a lot in me, that i thought perhaps maybe didn't need so much addressing. Now I know IT DOES! I'm once again all emotional over someting others would have just blown off.

Kermit, my problem is, it's never just fun and innocent with me, it always progresses into being over my head and in too deep, too fast. This is the reason I decided to go to therapy in the first place. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion this guy may be a pothead! either that or he lost some brain cells when he was. Lord knows, I can find them and they find me!

I talked with my exabf today. Things are still, well there is still connection there so perhaps it's true, he's not really an "EX", may not be physical but it's more than enough to get in the way of any new relationship or journey of healing or sobriety.

all signs point to: I need to work on me and forget men for now!

Kindeyes

sketcher
It sounds like you are beginning to sort all of this out. I hope that the counseling goes well.

gentle hugs

lexusgirl

Same goes for me! I need a longggg break and to focus on myself!

Angelus

I was the other person to use the word REJECT today! But Anvilhead is right, we're allowed to and should say no to participating in something that is not right for us.


If your instincts say to work on yourself and not get involved right now, then that's the right answer! That's what my friends on SR have urged me to do, as I never really have, I've bounced from one A to another. And if you meet someone and you get that "bad feeling," listen to that. Several times I got that and ignored it, and that feeling was proven correct after much pain and madness.

bigredme

Sketcher...sounds like you're figuring it out! good going girl! And Kermit...lol. You could make a new friend or (as in my case the last time I said "What the heck...i could make a new friend!")...he could stalk you for about a year! I'm laughing...now. not so much then.

splendra

Hey girl-

Good to hear from you. I hope you will be good to yourself. I have taken breaks from men and throughly enjoyed it. If you decide to take a break I hope you enjoy it cause I promise it can be fun.

NYC_Chick

I would be a dating disaster right now. I have A LOT of work to do on myself.

I have seen my patterns up-close and personal now. I really want to have a family of my own BUT my hope is that if I pay attention to what I think God has been telling me, it will happen for me later, AFTER I figure me out.

Also, I really don't think it would be fair to the other person. My ex has admitted to me he wasn't ready for a relationship when he met me (whatever is underlying that doesn't matter) I felt, and still feel, that it was the worse feeling to know I had been used to whatever degree. If I dated now I would just be grasping for person to fill a void. I didn't like it when it happened to me, so I don't want to do it to another person.

SugarLily

I feel the same as a lot of posters in this thread.

In fact some time early last year when I broke up with the ex for a short period. I was asked out on a date by a really sweet and gorgeous lad. He was a friend of a group of friends so I knew he was a lovely guy.

It got closer - I panicked and cancelled. I said I was way too messed up for anything right now. He understood.

I think my heart was still chained to the ex so to speak, I didn't want to hurt him. Plus with this lad I thought I didn't want to hurt him either. Like a poster said above along the lines of "its just a date!" you know it doesn't mean marriage and the whole shabang but I fear I look into things far too deeply. I always worry about hurting anyone. Even the ex who brought me to tears and despair many times.

I know I'm still young. My dream is to be married and have kids one day. I actually get upset reading magazines and seeing girls younger than me who have achieved my dream already.

I have a lot of work to do on myself and I have to accept that my plans may just have to happen a lot later than I originally dreamed.

There's no way I could get involved in anyone right now. I need to remember how to make myself happy - not wait for someone else to do it.

sketscher

I could have written this, so close to my story.