fallingdown

Geez, I'm a mess today. The rose colored glasses I've been wearing for a month now are starting to come off, the honeymoon is ending, etc. etc. When I first sobered up I was so grateful for every little thing because I was just glad I was no longer feeling hungover and suicidal everyday, I thought I was getting my life back. But my emotions are all ****** up, I'm all over the place, angry, sad, scared,shamed, anything but happy like I was for so many weeks. I've just been on a gradual downhill slide for about a week now, emotionally. I keep having these weird memories pop into my head of things long forgotten. Not even drinking memories necessarily, just random memories mostly of my teenage years before I was even hitting the booze that hard. They make me feel weird.
When I was drinking all the time and someone treated me badly I didn't care so much because I still had my "best friend" booze. If I felt fat and ugly it didn't matter so much either because after a few drinks I could feel like Claudia f'n Schiffer, right? But I don't have my crutch anymore and don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's gone but I don't know how to deal with...all this... When I first moved to TX I was quick to label anyone who said "hello" to me as a friend, because I was homesick. Well there are two people who I thought were new friends who just, quite frankly, turned out to be bitches. I don't know why. I have turned over in my head what I could have done to make them stop caring or keeping in touch and there just isn't anything. When you have lots of friends to choose from it's easy to take for granted and forget about the ones on the fringes I guess...so it goes...it doesn't help that I work from home and rarely leave the house.

Ok so maybe it's apparent that I don't really have a good specific reason for feeling as crappy as I do, and my bad attitude is really getting on my nerves. Hundreds of thousands of people are dead and/or homeless in China and here I am whining about nothing really, I have a great job and a good husband, family and four lovely dogs. I don't know why I feel like crap today but I am hoping by purging myself emotionally here will serve as an alternative to picking up a drink. So in case you're wondering, that's pretty much my goal for right now, just to stay sober and try to deal with stuff as it comes. Sorry for being all over the place and not making a whole lot of sense.

fallingdown

So this craziness passes, right? I remember your post. I even thought about what you said when I was writing that. I just don't want to feel like this all the time, and I don't want to drink either. BLAH!! I've even shut the dogs out of my office which is really weird...lol...

fallingdown

Thank you for responding, what choice do we have but to keep on keeping on, it's called LIFE, something that alcoholics have a hard time dealing with it seems. I just have this urge to jump in my car and drive to the ocean and put my toes in the surf and not worry about a thing, that's what I would really like to do in lieu of drinking but I know I must stay here, deal with things, and learn how to be a grown up. Sigh. If only we knew then what we know now...

fallingdown

Here are some of the lyrics to a song, yet another one from Blue October, "Into the Ocean"...this is the one that got me thinking about the water, the only place I ever feel safe and happy. Funny how a lot of their lyrics provide stunning insight into the mind of a recovering addict:

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

Dean62

I don't know if it's a good thing or not but you make perfectly good sense to me.

fallingdown

Dean thank you my friend. I feel like my thoughts are going in all sorts of directions but I am trying to articulate them as well as I can. I am glad you understand. Thank you for letting me know.

Anna

Fallingdown, I understand how you feel. I felt the same way in early sobriety. What helped me was getting involved in volunteer work and getting outside of myself. I began the venture, thinking I could offer something, and soon found that I was receiving far more than I could ever give.

CarolD

When I feel over loaded
I get busy finding another person to help.

That's easy to do if you attend AA..

fallingdown

Thank you ladies, I agree 100%. It is time to get out of the house. I think Carol has a saying for that. lol. Anyway I feel much better today, thanks everyone for your support.

indigo

Yay way to go.

ROFL

After 4 1/2 months mostly sober, with one 5 day relapse and few small slips, I experience an emotional ROLLERCOASTER. One day in the abyss, sometimes a full week or more. Then a week or so of feeling strong, proud and happy - euphoric. The lows are very frustrating, especially because they put me at risk for starting up again.

FallingDown and SteamVessel, though I don't wish these emotional wrecks on anyone, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I hope we all work through them!

Daddio

Hey Fallindown. Shortly after I began my journey I too had the emotional flood. I believe its from from us unlocking our senses that were boozed into submission. I'm a full grown man and you should see me watch "Fried Green Tomatoes". Oh my!! LOL the emotional roller coaster is just part of the process and is a sure sign that you are well on your way to beating this thing. So just stay buckled in your seat, tray in its upright position and hands and feet out of the aisle.

Peace.